Special Way to Tell the Family We Are Having Another Baby

If I were you, I would have a very quiet, private conversation with my older daughter and tell her it was an oops so she doesn't think you planned to do what you had said you wouldn't do. Then I would have the same quiet, private conversation with my MIL and put it this way, "oh mom, I feel just awful, can you help me think of how to tell SIL?"
Any "special way" you use to tell them could backfire as too much!

Also, I hope you realize that odds are that an oops will be another girl.

All the best. I have 3 daughters and love it!
: )

Isn't grandparents day right around the corner? Give them a card and put a copy of the sonogram pic in the card.

I don't know if creative is the best idea here. It's sounds as if you are trying to rub it in. YOur safest bet is to just tell your daughter matter of-factly, privately, and the same with your inlaws. I have 4 and my sister is infertile. She has been trying for over 10 years to have a baby. I told my mom and asked her to tell my sister for our last. That way she had time to adjust to the news and didn't have to pretend to be happy for us right away. Once she adjusted, she was able to talk to me. Unfortunately, you sister in law may never be able to 100 % thrilled for you. You are going to have to accept that. We will never know the quiet desperation of wanting a child and not being able to have one. I never downplayed my pregnancies, yet I didn't expect my sister to show up at any showers either. Respect her feelings. It's easier to be happy for people when they aren't right there in your face with stuff. You may have to take the more mature high road, if you want to keep peace in your family. I know you are excited for this baby, but the fact is, this child exists,and is going to have plenty of time to delight, amaze, and impress your inlaws. You don't have to do it now. I strongly suggest the more quiet approach with all the factions going on. There are plenty of other people inyour life who will be so excited for you and be able to squeal and jump at every little baby thing. Don't force it on those who are of two minds.
Good luck,and congratulations! I love babies!

i think you'll want to tell your 15 year old daughter first and privatley. if she may not take the news well, give her time to process it before she has to smile in front of other people. and as someone who got pregnant before their SIL who was also having lots of trouble, it may make your SIL sad but thats understandable. i don't think you have to apologize for getting pregnant. i agree that saying it wasn't planned may help with the 15 year old. but saying you got preggy when you weren't even trying may be more hurtfull to the SIL. as for the MIL, she may be sad for her daughter but she should also be glad for you. if she isn't and if she makes more obnoxious comments then just tell her about it and leave it at that. i hope that your SIL is able to conceive but you and this child can't be punished if she isn't. be tackful and polite. don't put the SIL or your daughter under pressue to show too much excietment because this may be sad for them. but after a little time they will be happy for you as well.

I think if you're worried that they're going to be sad, I wouldn't make a huge deal out of it. Not to say that it's not exciting news, but to have a big special announcement is a little insensitive. Maybe call your sister-in-law first, say, I know how difficult this has been for you, and tell her. A lot of fanfare would only make it more uncomfortable. Share your joy, but be sensitive!

All great advise. Don't know if this helps but it is something I try to keep in mind when my life, or business is on the downturn of the rollar coaster of life. There is a saying "If the Lord is blessing your neighbor, than he's IN the neighborhood! When you do speak with your SIL, privately, perhaps you can recite that statement to encourage her. Congratulations to you and your family and all the best!

By the way- Where is "Sorrento", Florida. I've never heard of it and have lived in Florida 45 years.

Maybe you could name the baby after your sister-in-law or invite her to be the baby's godmother. That way she will be involved in a special way.

Congratulation!
Telling your 15yr old one on one is a must. That's how oldest stepchild was when I got pregnant with my first. She may not be thrilled with the idea, but she WILL come around once the baby arrives. Be sure to give her some her time and don't expect the built in sitter. I NEVER ask my stepchildren to do things for the little ones, but they usually help out on their own...As the oldest of 6 I know what that role is all about and I NEVER wished it on anyone.
While I agree that you should be somewhat sensitive to MIL & SIL, I don't think you should have to walk on egg shells during this pregnancy or after the baby is born.
With our first I put together a online photo album of our recent trip to Alaska and the last photo was a picture of me holding an ultrasound picture with the title our next adventure scheduled for April 2005. Those who made it to the end of the 50 photo album and actually read it and paid attention GOT the message...
With my 2nd I had my 2 yr old carry the pregnancy test to my husband and then at Christmas she got to open a present that had a shirt that read oops my parents did it again - I'm gonna be a big sister and a book titled big sister.
BTW - I may still have this onesie if you want to have it :-) I hope not to need it again...

Dear C. S,
I recently went through the same situation. My sister and her husband have been trying for their second child for over a year now. They already have a 5 year old boy who was conceived after a year of trying. They have been going through fertility treatments and were both taking medication to aid on fertility. I already have a two and a half year old daughter with an abusive ex-husband who I left when she was five months old. I managed to get my life back together and went back to work with the help of me family. I met a wonderful man who already has a seven year old child and we started dating. Eight months later we found out I was pregnant. Of course we were happy and excited but I still wished my sister who was more "prepared" to have a chid, conceive. I knew they were going to get pregnant with the help artificial insemination in the coming weeks so I kept my secret until then. During that time my partner was wanting to tell the family our good news but I insisted we wait. He thought of this child as a blessing and gift. He got upset that I had to "hide" the pregnancy thinking I was ashamed of being pregnant. I was not ashamed in the least I was just hoping that soon my sister would tell me the news she was pregnant as well. Eventually she said my brother in law may have a tumor that was preventing them from getting pregnant and it may be a while before they concieve. I didnt want to hurt anyones feelings any longer. My partner was excited and didnt want to hide it anymore and I knew my sister was not going to get pregnant in the near future. I was nervous what people were going to say. Even though I have a good education and a full time job I had no business having another child according to others. The medical director at my job mentioned an abortion. Coworkers said congradulations but would whisper behind my back " What she is pregnant!". "Oh no!".Earlier in our relationship both my mother and sister said they would stop believing in God if I got pregnant. So you can imagine why I was a bit secretive. After four months of hiding our pregnancy I decided to tell my sister. She had accepted the fact that it may take longer to get pregnant and decide to get her National Boards which is hard and time consuming. I knew they didn't mean what they had said about not beliving in God if I got pregnant. I went to her house and just sat down with her. I said I have to tell you something. She said " I think I already know, you are pregnant." I said yes I am sorry I didnt tell you earlier I was just praying and waiting for you to get pregnant as well. She was understanding but not overjoyed like most people are at the news of a baby. I expected that from just about everyone. She said she was glad I didnt tell her earlier because she would have been upset. I know they will get pregnant in the next few years and look forward to a new neice or nephew.If anyone deserves to have anotherchild it is them. I know it is hard to keep a beautiful baby a secret. This should be one of the happiest times in our lives not a quiet secret. Just like you I had nothing to be ashamed or worried about. God decided to bless us with another baby and we should be grateful and proud. I know you are worried about your sisiter-in-law, and MIL's feelings. Hopefully they will be understanding and happy. My sister has said she is excited about a new baby even if it is not her own. You can expect your sister in law and MIL to be a bit disappointed at first but if they have any heart what so ever they will be supportive and happy. I know it bothered my sister just a bit for a while but she has been kind and supportive since she found out. Hopefully you tell them sooner before later. You will feel a HUGE sense of relief that it was not as bad as you thought it would be. Good Luck and Congradulations.

Hi C.,

Congrats!!!! Please remember you have no control over how others feel or respond to your happy news. Whatever you do, please do not let anyone make you feel bad for such a wonderful event :) My youngest daughter was 17 when I got pregnant, and let me tell you she was not thrilled to be replaced as the baby, but after her newest sister arrived, she fell in love (and went on the pill to make sure she didn't get one of her own! LOL)

I suggest a day with just you and your 15 year old to break the news. Maybe a little shopping and lunch out to give you time to talk without any drama, then including her in some of the prep activities for the new baby. If she feels included instead of pushed aside she will be fine.

If it were my in laws, in your situation, I would tell my MIL first. Knowing that it would probably be leaked to your SIL and letting her sit with the news for a day or two before you break it to her, she will probably be able to be genuinely happy for you. Put yourself in her shoes, the news will probably be a little bit of a shock, maybe a little sting. Once she gets past that first reaction she will probably be very happy and supportive.

I wish you the best of luck.

Don't tell. It will naturally show and when they ask if your pregnant answer yes.

You cannot control what makes other people sad or happy, that is a personal choice. When they find out and say sad remarks, just remember them how many positives things they have that they should be grateful for. Count your blessings.

I went to the dollar store and got a baby themed frame, wrapped it up, and wrote "You're going to be a Grandma/Grandpa..." whatever fits inside where the picture part is. You could also put, "Baby #3 is on it's way..." or "Congrats on being a big sister, again!" for your 15 year old. These frames can be used again later after the baby is born.
I don't think it's fair that your MIL said anything about it not being fair how easy it is for you and not for your SIL. We all know life isn't fair... these comments just make you feel bad for your blessings. Your DH should address this and remind her that she can have these fleeting thoughts, but she should never voice them. It just does NOTHING to add to anyone's day ~ in fact, it undermines it! (I'm sure she will feel sad for your SIL... I'm sure you all do... but with this reminder, she should see what great news this is for you and her whole family!)
CONGRATULATIONS and I'll send hopes of "little blue wishes" to you.

I went through infertility issues too, while my SIL got pregnant at 17, not married. Got pregnant again to a different man without being married. it was hard to deal with. The best way is to be excited about your new addition but not to make a huge deal about it i.e. don't brag or talk about it every second you are over. Your in laws will be happy but they also will know how hard it will be for your SIL. I use to cry everytime someone got pregnant. I would always show a happy face then go home and cry to sleep. Nothing you say will ease her pain. Don't bother saying you will have one soon because it use to frustrate me..you don't know that so why bother saying it. The best thing to do is say nothing or just ask how things are going with them and if their is anything you can do. It took me 7 years to have our first child. Fertility treatments didn't work but now I have 3 children in 3 years. Now it is my SIL that was jealous and had to have a 3rd to get a boy because we were having one. Things change. Don't make some big elaborate annoucement just tell them and be excited because you should be. Children are a miracle and a blessing. YOur in laws will be happy too to welcome another grandchild they might not show it out of fear of hurting their daughter but they are happy. Congratulations!

Hi, C.. Well, I would tell different people in different ways.

First, your children. I think perhaps you could have a quiet, special dinner for just your immediate family. Let your daughters be the guests of honor. Maybe over dessert, gently let them know they will be big sisters now, and give them a chance to say how they feel about it. If the two girls you already have aren't close, maybe you could take them each out on a sort of "daughter date" and tell them individually, and let them tell you how they each feel about it.

As for the in-laws, since there is so much tension and conflicting emotions about your SIL's fertility issues, I would advise not putting yourself in a position to have them gang up on you. I might make a special announcement card for the occasion, mail it out, give them each a chance to deal with it, and then speak to them about it. Else, if you're really brave, and if you can trust them to not make a scene, maybe have a dinner party AFTER you have told your daughters about it (don't subject them to everyone else's conflicting emotions while they are first learning the news, especially the teenager!), and make the announcement.

There isn't going to be any way you can control how your SIL and your MIL react to the news. Eventually, your MIL will come to her senses and want to interact with her newest grandchild, but your SIL may have issues that you can't help her with. I don't say that you shouldn't have compassion on her, but she may feel jealous and upset no matter how you break the news to her. My only advice is to tell her in the most loving way possible without rubbing her nose in her issues.

Well, I hope this is helpful. Good luck on uniting the family around the new baby.

Peace,
Syl

I have had to conceive both of my children through fertility treatments (it took me 2 years and 2 IVF treatments with my first and 3 years and various treatments with #2) while watching friends and family members getting pregnant on their own without problem. Although my own situation of not being able to get pregnant was painful, it certainly did not lessen my joy for my friends or family who were pregnant. I happily attended showers, baptisms, birthdays, etc. to celebrate along with my friends and their kids. My sadness and frustration was with my own situation, not theirs.
It is unfair of your mother-in-law to make you feel bad about your pregnancy. Your husband should really say something to her about this, because she is criticizing him and his child (not to mention her future grandchild) when she says something like that. It is also unfair of her to project what your sister-in-law will feel. She may be able to separate her feelings of sadness and frustration about her own situation from her feelings of joy for you and your husband.
If you want to try to be sensitive to your sister-in-law, maybe keep the announcement low-key - tell her privately before you tell your mother-in-law. You may find you have an ally in your sister-in-law.
Keep the big celebration for you and your husband, since this is your special time anyways. Besides, you don;t want anyone else's reaction to dampen your joy.

Congratulations and good luck.

Have a dinner party and use a new baby motive. Why should you feel responsible for someone who can't have kids? Talk to God.Your baby as you said was an oops. And it is not your 15 yro place to get a vote, .

My sister has had three miscarriages since having her daughter. She's had a hard time getting pregnant since. So when I got pregnant with my third child while on the pill, it was hard for her. All I could do was tell her to hang in there. It makes it awkward when there is a family member having trouble and you have none. I now have 4 children and my sister still only has her daughter. I'm afraid there isn't much you can do to avoid the possibility that they will react badly. I called my sister first and talked to her each time I found out I was pregnant, and did my best to focus on her. How things would eventually work out for her, rather than focus on me. As for other family members, just call them when you are ready for it. I was almost 4 months pregnant before I called my own mother about my 4th child. She loves the kids, but she always thought we should have stopped at 2. When she expressed her thoughts of disappointment, I told her that she was entitled to feel that way but to keep it to herself. She didn't talk to me for a couple weeks, then she apologized. Your MIL needs to understand that your SIL's problems are hard, but they are not your fault and you shouldn't be treated badly for having another child. This is a child that you are happy about and you need to let yourself be.
With your oldest child, I'm not sure. My oldest is only 8. But we always focus with him on how great it is to be the big brother. Each time I was pregnant, we told him how great it was and reassured him that he would always still get what he needed. We want him to play with his younger siblings and help out some times, but we also make sure that he has plenty of time to himself. And they all take turns getting alone time with my husband and I, even if it's just a trip to the store. I agree with other suggestions here that maybe you should spend a day with her and maybe break the news over a girls lunch.

C.,

The way we did it was to write a "Thank you" card to my parents, thanking them for being Grandparents to our children and then we wrote a poem that, in the end, said that they would be adding their next grandbaby in the months to come, or "#9". My mom was reading the card outloud, by request, and they just kind of squealed and said, "Are you serious?" They were glowing all day and showed the card to everyone.
Since Grandparents day is coming up on September 7th, that would be a great time.
Another thing I did, when I told my husband, was to place infant diapers as a trail from the doorway to our bed room and then it led to the bed, where I placed our positive pg test. He was ecstatic!
There are so many ways you can express it.
You can deliver flowers to them with a card that expresses what you want to say. You can have the kids involved.
As for the 15 year old, it is kind of embarrassing to that age to tell their friends that their parents are having a baby and they are all about peers at that time.
Try to include her in decision making and make sure she is the first one that you tell. But sit down with her and have a heart to heart talk. Let her know that you might need her to help you make some of the decisions, because you value her opinion so much. Let her feel like she is a very important part of it. She needs to feel connected to the new baby in some way.
As for the SIL, I would visit with her and gently tell her. Then ask her if she can help you to be sensitive to her needs and understand how to make her feel comfortable when talking about the pregnancy.

Take Care,
T. (mom of 4; 20y,9y,4y,1y)

Dear C.:

Babies are a blessing from the Lord! Be very joyful when you break the news, this way, your daughter and IL will be happy for you and will hold their comments. Buy a cake and Ice cream, and say, "Sweets for a Sweet News, we must celebrate!".

It is sad what is happening with your SIL, but that is out of your hands, you need to be happy for this baby and don't worry, everyone will fall in love with the baby once he or she arrives, even your older child. Rejoice!

ps I have a 24 yr old step daughter and a year old baby, she loves the baby now, but when my husband broke the news, she was not too happy. Remember, teens are selfish after all.

Hi C. -- congratulations!
I don't have any advice regarding sharing the news with your older daughter or SIL... I agree that they probably both should be handled privately so they each can react without an audience. They may surprise you, but I think it shows them a lot of respect if you give them the opportunity to respond without having to fake enthusiasm initially.

For your younger daughter and then the rest of the family, who will hopefully be thrilled... may I suggest what we did this summer? I have an embroidery machine and do custom embroidery. I made a shirt for my daughter that said had a picture of a girl pushing a baby in a carriage and said, "I'm going to be a Big Sister!" She wore that to announce the news. Everyone is super excited for the little girl, it shows your enthusiasm too and may take the pressure off the oops-factor. Do you have a friend that does custom embroidery? See if she can help. (or contact me for other suggestions.)
You can see it here:
http://janaysquilts.blogspot.com/2008/05/annalieses-new-s...
Hope that helps, or spurs on other ideas!
~J.~

I really don't have any ideas for the special way to tell your family, but I do have some advice for you and your SIL.As an infertility pt myself with no children, I can almost be positive she will not be real excited about your news, although she probably will not tell you or act on her true feelings. To maybe find some suggestions on how to ease the pain for her a little, you could check out these 2 websites, INCIID & RESOLVE. THese are both infertility non profit organizations that help educate families and support patients with the emotional & financial stress that infertility causes.I personally go to both sites frequently. There is sections on how to deal with your dilemma there. Also if she doesn't know about these sites, they are great for info and even have online support groups & chat rooms, chats with professionals, and blogs from other inferility patients. Some people even have "Cycle buddies" that they only know thru these websites and chat rooms. Another personal suggestion would be, to allow her to be as much a part of the whole pregnancy, birth, etc, that she can (if ya'll are that close) or maybe ask them to be "God parents" or something of that nature-you could call it whatever you wanted!

Hi C.!!

Congrats on #3! Fortunately, God has plans for us and he doesn't always let us in on them! You have several items to deal with!

Your 15 year old is completely embarrassed that her parents do "it". She could deny it - but the baby is proof! Once the baby is here she'll be fine.

Your mother-in-law is hurting for her daughter - her initial response may not be positive. I agree with the responder who said to take your sister-in-law aside and tell her privately, You and your hubby - she and hers. You're family.

Telling them on Grandparents Day is great! You could also wrap little gifts from each of the children - when they see there is an extra gift....

Good luck!
M.

This is great news! Yay! The 15 year old is going to need the most careful attention. I think she is the most important one to be concerned about. She was the only one for so long. Take her to lunch, just the two of you & tell her about the baby. Make one day a week HER DAY, no matter whether she likes it or not.Reassure her she won't be asked to sacrifice.This is the age where parents can fool themselves about how much the teenager needs them cause they give you such a hard time it's easier just to leave them alone.
As far as the in laws go, let them know it was a surprise, you're happy about it and keep it low key. Your husband should be the one to tell his side of the family.

First, Congradulations!!! Having a baby is always a nervous and exciting time and although you feel that finacially, you are going to struggle, there are so many ways to adjust your families income and spending to meet the needs of this new baby. Breast feeding, cloth diapering ( really cool now a days, not like your mother's cloth diapers) and buying resale cloths at garage sales and consignment stores or craigslist will save you TONS of money. My kids never drank formula, and dress in top name brands for WAY cheaper than Wal-mart clothes. God will provide if you have faith and trust Him.

AS for telling the family, this is so hard when you desire for their excitement and yet, don't want to hurt the feelings of a mother in need. I personally would ake the SIL to lunch and tell her privately and ask her for her assistance. Tell her that your heart has been broken for her and that you wish that you could miraculously enable her to become pregnant. Tell her that although you and your husband did not plan on becomeing pregnant again, you are expecting and that you would like to share as much or as little of this pregnancy with her as she can handle. Let her know that you understand if it's too difficult to spend much time with you while you are pregnant, but if she wants to be around a lot, that you welcome her support. Maybe she could come to your dr appointments and you could go with her to hers. Pray for her. Letting her know first will let her know that you care for her and her feelings and desired to give her time to adjust. Who knows, maybe you will both be pregnant together. Good luck with the pregnancy and although we wish for everyone to have fertility as we do, we can't feel guilty either, but we can offer prayers and compassion for others. Give her some more Auntie time, while allowing you some time to your self, too.

Hi I am a stay at home mom. I have a 20yr old, a 17yr old and a three yr old. My oldest, who lives with me, has a 1yr old. Children are always a blessing and you won't be able to hide it forever. Remind your sis-n-law what a great aunt and uncle they have been to your kids and how they can gain much experience before they have their own and that you will pray for their situation. Try to have the 15yr old invovled as much as possible before and after, so she can see the work, pain and the need for a husband. Remind her of the things that made you light up when she was little so she won't be left behind because the little ones require so much of your attention. I didn't do this near enough and think it might of had to do with the situation my daughter has now.(still not an excuse for her dicision) This is a good thing expect others to see it that way too. Hope this helps a little.

Hi C.,

First of all, congratulations! Being in your sister-in-law's shoes myself, it won't be easy hearing the news. So I would mentally prepare myself for that. But try not to take it personally and just be happy for yourself.

My husband and I did in-vitro twice and it finally worked. I also did acupuncture, which I believe helped. I have an inspiring story on my website at www.peadabdesigns.com (About Us section). We had other complications with the pregnancy and baby, but after a lot of worrying and then surgery at 3 months old, everything with our son turned out fine. He's now almost 4 years old and the reason I started my business doing birth announcements and invitations.

Anyway, as far as a creative way to tell your family... a lot of people are doing pregnancy announcements now. I'm not sure if your family is local or not or whether you want to tell them in person. But you could do an announcement from the baby that would be very cute. That would sort of take the spotlight off you and put it on the baby. And who can be mad at a baby? I would be happy to create a pregnancy announcement for you if you'd like. Just send me an email through my website.

Good luck and congrats on your little surprise.
L.
Peadab Designs

I agree with some of the other posters that either you, or your MIL need to tell your SIL in private so she is not expected to react positively. It is possible that both she and your MIL will be happy for you and your husband, yet sad for her. My cousin and I got pregnant at the same time but I miscarried. Although I was happy for her, it made me feel sad for myself to see her pregnant. Another cousin got pregnant while I was recovering from gyno surgery. I was grateful that my mother told me rather than finding out through my cousin. This allowed me to collect myself before I congratulated my cousin.

When I read that your teen daughter keeps to herself I wondered if it is possible that she is depressed. She may just be introverted, but be aware of the signs of teen depression and be sensitive to her needs as she struggles with having to compete with two cute young sibling. Make sure she gets some one-on-one time with you. I also suggest you sit down with her and tell her about the new baby privately. Teens aren't so great at managing their emotional impulses and if she doesn't want another sibling she may react negatively.

Congratulations!

Your daughter is probably afraid that another baby will only make her a permanent baby sitter. She's a teenager and will start asking for more independence. As for your in-laws and SIL, they'll just have to accept it. The important thing is that this child be loved and welcome by his parents and siblings. Good luck and God bless.

Try handing your in-laws some recent family/kids photos to look at with a couple of dated sonogram pics mixed in.

Dear C., Just have a blessing party. Children are a blessing sent from above. So ask everyone to come with a gift wrapped blessing that they are appreciative of. Then have a show and tell time when everyone unwraps his blessing to share with everyone else. You can wrap a babydoll and tell them that you have received a blessing and are so thankful for it.

I've had 6. After the third child, no one got excited anymore...but I did. I am so thankful for every one of them. They have all been a blessing. Hope this helps!

Double Blessings on you and your house,
D.

C., babies are gifts from God and should be celebrated no matter how easy or difficult it was to conceive them. How selfish of your MIL to even think that it's unfair that you are pregnant again. God's plans don't always match with our wants and desires. You have been given a gift and it should be celebrated and cherished for the miracle that it is.

As for ideas, I'm afraid mine may not be the most creative but here it goes. With my first child, I visited my parents with a little photo album that had the first ultrasound pictures in it. I told my parents that I has some special pictures to show them...and that is how I told them about baby #1. With baby #2, it just happened that we were invited to my parents house for dinner and I had to decline a glass of wine...that is how we shared the news for that one. And I cannot remember how I shared the news with #3. My mom shared the news of her pregnancy with my sister to my dad by wrapping a pacifier in a little box with baby paper and that is how she told my dad she was pregnant. Whatever you decide, embrace this wonderful gift for the miracle it is.