Spanking

First ask yourself, "is this working"? As with any discipline, if it isn't then you must find something that does. If a few swats (not beatings) change his behavior (and I mean overall--as in he stops refusing to pee in the morning), then I think that is fine. If it isn't effective, then you must think of something else.

Also, in my opinion, whoever coined the phrase "terrible twos" just hadn't had a 3 year old yet! All 3 of my children became much more defiant and prone to tantrums in their 3's! I believe this is a normal part of their development, as they strive to become more independant. That also means that this is the time to teach them what they can and can't get away with. Hang in there! It will ease up!

First I want to say that this is a forum for advice, not judgment, so ignore people's comments that are judgmental. I was spanked as a kid, and I have a great relationship with my parents. I respect them, and while I prefer to use other methods of punishment whenever possible, there are times I've resorted to spanking as well. I, too, have an incredibly smart, independent toddler. She started her terrible two's around 18 mos, and, at 27 mos, we're still in the midst of it. I imagine when baby sister is born next week, that will start a whole new level of it! :) She, too, knows how to push my buttons, and how to manipulate me (I'm embarrassed to say how many times I've been duped!). The problem for me now is that sometimes spanking doesn't even work. (Which I know is what all the anti-spankers will say.) She has learned that I can't really make her do anything, and she's strong-willed enough that no amount of praise, removing of privileges, providing choices or physical punishment is enough to get her to change her mind. Most of the time I try to let her experience the natural consequences (if you won't put your jacket on, you don't get to go outside to play). But the problem is when it's not an option - like getting in her car seat when we're leaving in the morning for me to get to work on time. To my chagrin, I have physically held her down and buckled her in, kicking and screaming. This does nothing except teach her that as long as I'm bigger, I can make her do what I want. But she's getting so strong, and I'm 9 months pregnant, so that's not going to last. But what else to do in those times?

The book "Parenting With Love And Logic" by Foster Cline and Jim Fay has some great advice in it, but I find that some of the information is hard to translate into effective results for toddlers. Lots of it does work though, and I think there's a toddler version of the book, too. I'm re-reading it right now. I would recommend it for you. There's also a book called "The Strong-Willed Child" by Dr. James Dobson that I've heard is an excellent resource. I've been intending to get it, but haven't gotten around to it yet. I'm actually planning to get it this week if I can.

All that to say that I don't have any good answers for you, but I think you are doing the best you can. Hang in there and good luck! This, too, shall pass!

I was a little shocked when I read your post, it was as if I had written it myself! We are going through exactly the same behaviors, and just recently had to go beyond counting to three, and/or timeout. A simple swat on the butt really gets his attention, I think he is actually shocked when it happens, and really turns his behavior around instantly, for now. I look forward to reading the other responses you get, and say if it works, stick with what you are doing until it doesn't. I also agree with the other poster that said the 3's are much worse than the so called terrible two's!

Dear Carrie,
Wow, I am surprised to be the first to respond knowing the excitment of this topic to most! But I am on your side sister! Don't get me wrong- there is a very thin line of what is proper and what is not but I think most just need to understand the difference. You explained yourself beautifully and justfully and I think you are simply doing for YOUR child what you know is right! All children are different and some truly are so laid back that they don't even care to push buttons but like us on the other hand, we have very energetic children who after running 15 miles would still be a wild child at times! My nephew is the opposite of my child and sometimes I feel Gma & Gpa would rather be visiting him because they won't get so worn out! LOL But on the other hand my child is healthy and I love seeing him be able to express every bit of himself and his energy though it can get wearing on me.
So, I guess I don't really have any advice for you because honestly I think you know what you are doing and it is not wrong in my eyes! Like you said, you don't do it out of anger!!! I can tell you are just as much a caring strong loving concerned mom as any of us are.

Take care! <3

I am not going to condem you for spanking because I feel that sometimes it is absolutely necessary. I have a 12 yr old son and a 6 year old son who are completely different in personalities and behaviors but I have to say that spanking on those occasions when they just wouldn't listen worked on both of them. I used time out and that did work but when they pushed me past the boundaries it was time for the next step.

My 6 yr old is bright and the one who tested the boundaries the most. His speed of processing sometimes surpasses mine so I knew that he fully understood what he was doing and wanted to see what I would do about his behavior. First we went into his room, sat down on his bed and looked eye to eye (even if I had to carry him there and hold him on it and hold his face close to mine). I told him that because of his behavior and blatant disobedience that he was going to get a spanking and that he had to pull his pants down and bend over to receive it. I only spanked him once but it was memorable! I told him to pull his pants up and sit and think about why he was spanked and a different way he could have acted.

I only had to use this process a few times. It was a very hard thing to do because I would do anything to keep my children from hurting but knew that this is better than them being hurt from other people.

After the spanking and his crying stopped I returned to the room, gave him a hug and told him I loved him no matter what but that bad behavior was not an option in our house and that mom and dad will be respected period. I asked if he understood; once his response was yes and we discussed different behavior choices the issue was done and we went on with the day as normal (after we cleaned up what he had done or fixed the problem he caused if needed). In fact, he became quite happy and we usually had a great day from then on. He just needed to know who was in control and that he was loved.

I wish you the best because this is a very hard time but I loved that age and can't believe how quickly time has flown by.

God Bless,
S.

PS: Just to let you know there is hope and this process worked: we get rave reviews from teachers, coaches and other parents about their behavior and how polite and respectful they are. Their spirits are not broken and are both outgoing, happy and successful children.

First of all I can't see counting to 3 as you're training them to not obey until 3, why not just count to 1 if you like to count, and for time out, we had many of our kids who wouldn't sit on a chair. Or in a time out place even. So we spanked. I would say whatever you do do it consistently and like you are doing, not in anger. I can't say I disciplined my kids right EVERY time as it's hard to not be angry at times. Make that you goal though and do it. I babysat a grandson for four years and that age 3 was the worst. He did just what your son is doing and everything was a negative. I remember driving in the car one day saying what a lovely sunny day it was and he said no it wasn't he hated sun and then I said well I'm glad God made cloudy days too and he said they were ugly and it was everything that I said. I would sometimes say something like " I'm glad you feel that way but I like" this or that, to which he'd say, " No you dont'". Thankfully, like most 3 year olds he is now past that stage but still tends to be more stubborn. With my own kids years ago, I would not have handled some things as I did with him and regret I didn't know what to do way back when mine were little but when he said he would NEVER go in the potty I didn't press it but he did go and by letting it go until the day I said this is it and he knew I meant it there was no fight over it. Stubborness is not good though so I hope you will be able to break his strong will but not his spirit so he still is free to chose but not to disobey. Spanking is fine if done correctly and consistently. I know what a job it is though to discipline. We feel bad and yet we have to be in charge.

We read a book called "Loving your kids on purpose" by Danny Silk, and it changed our home in 3 days. Leet me know if you'd like more info!

Would you really respect someone who was spanking you?! I don't think spaking will earn you respect. I will not imply that you are a horrible mother, because I'm sure you aren't, but I would try some more creative discipline before resorting to spanking. Look into Love and Logic.

Another quick tip:

Three year olds like to be in control of their world, even though they are not able to understand or handle it. Give him choices that revolve around your instruction. For example, instead of asking him to go to the bathroom in the morning, ask him if he's going to take his jammies off before or after he goes to the bathroom. That makes the bathroom a non-issue, but gives him the choice, which is what he looks for. Red plate or blue plate for dinner? Dinner is not the issue, the color of the plate is in his control. Giving 3 year olds choices are important, they are old enough to choose, and they are struggling for control of themselves at this age.

Good Luck!