Sooo Confused!!! Plz Help!!!!

If he wants the title, then he needs to do the work of the position! Can't help you with the rest....

I am sorry, but it sounds like you have some growing up to do. I don't mean that in a cruel way, just honestly you sound a bit immature. You don't get together with someone, have a child, and then live happily ever after and float off on a cloud into the sunset. I think you need to take an honest look at yourself and your relationship with this man and decide why you are really together. You also need to realize that life always looks greener on the other side. Doing things to get him to cheat or leave you is very irresponsible and immature and what kind of example is that to set for your daughter? You are an adult and need to act like it. If the relationship isn't working than own it and either get some help together or make a break. You can still make your daughter both your priorities, even if you do separate. If he is out working to support you then this is also just the way real life is sometimes. I'm sorry but it seems like you were expecting some kind of fairy tale and are disappointed that isn't the way it is going for you. Being in a relationship, married or not, isn't going to always be wonderful and exciting---everyone has their ups and downs, but you need to decide if you are committed to making this relationship work. If you are then start doing something about it. If you are bored, then get out of the house and meet some moms or get a part-time job or volunteer or plan a sitter and go out with the girls. You control what happens to you. I really don't think the problem is him in this situation---you don't sound like an active participant in your life. Get involved in your situation and make some changes if need be. As far as saying you are married, I don't see any reason to say that if you aren't married imo.

If you act like you are married and he wants to say you're married, then just get married already. I personally have no problem with people not getting married, but don't really understand it. I guess if it works for them, fine. But there are a lot of practical benefits to getting married- health benefits, legal rights, etc. And I don't understand why NOT to get married. Unless you don't want to be together forever. In that case, why be together now? What exactly is it that bugs you about the situation? Do you want to be married since you say you are? Do you not like saying you are married because you don't want to be? You need to figure that part out. If you are fine never marrying but acting married, that's fine. But you can't get irritated at the title then.

I don't care when you get "married", whether its at 17 or at 37, there are going to be times when you don't really like your spouse. Or don't like being around them all the time, or aren't getting along. I don't know anyone who is madly in love with their best friend forever and ever, with no rough patches or doubts. If anyone has that, they are the luckiest person alive. I got married at 19, and we have been married for 13 years now. And I love him and want to be with him forever, but sometimes I need to step back and remind myself why. It is hard work to be with the same person forever. It is harder to stay together when you get into a relationship so young, but it is not impossible. You just have to work at it. But everyone has to work at marriage.

Usually when I am unhappy in my marriage, it has more to do with circumstances in the rest of my life and being discontented with other things. You can't have a happy marriage if you aren't happy as a person. It sounds like you need to get out more and get a life of your own. When I am lacking that, my marriage suffers. When I have that, I am content with my husband, almost always. You can't go back and do things differently. Whether you stay with this man or not, you will still be a mom and have different priorities than other people your age. You can't change that. There is no going back to experience what you "missed out on" unless you sacrifice the well-being of your daughter. You probably did have to grow up too fast, but now you are grown up, whether you stay with him or not.

You have to make yourself have a more full and fullfilling life, and chances are you will feel better about your relationship. Figure out some way to have girls night's out. Join a moms club. Have playdates and get some adult conversation in that isn't with your significant other. Your daughter and boyfriend can't be your entire world, or you will start to resent them and get sick of looking at the four walls around you. My husband is gone most of the time, and if I didn't get a chance to go out for playgroups or at night occasionally, I would go stark raving mad in this house. I'm guessing your boyfriend works 2 jobs and you stay home to not have to pay daycare? Does he get any days off? I know you should want to spend time with him on the rare chance you get to be together, but if you are going stir-crazy it won't be quality time. It would be better to go out with friends some of those times. Another thing you can do is have people over to your house. A long time ago I had a friend who had a 2 yr old son and her fiance was deployed, so we hung out at her house all the time. She didn't have nighttime child care, so we went over and played games and watched movies and had a great time.

As for the guy you flirt with, you know that is not right. Everyone likes to feel like they are still attractive and all, but if you are getting something from him that you are not getting from your boyfriend, and giving him attention that you should only give to your boyfriend, it is wrong. Best thing to do is avoid him and work on your relationship. I really think if you work on yourself and your personal happiness, then you will know whether or not you are unhappy in your relationship. And you will feel stronger in yourself if you decide you want to move on.

Okay. I may be on the opposite opinions of other moms that may respond.

I DON"T think that you are too young to settle down. I met my (now) husband when I was 18. Got married when I was 20. Our first year was definitely the hardest. We had to deal with a miscarriage at 12 1/2 weeks and I struggled with that BIG TIME. (He did too.) Not to mention with the 3 additional miscarriages we've suffered since then. Now we have 2 great kids and are 14 1/2 weeks pregnant. BUT, MY POINT IS: LIFE IS HARD!

You chose this man. You both act like you are married. You need to sit down and have a heart to heart talk with him. Get on the same page. GET MARRIED (for real). STOP flirting with this other guy, EVEN if it's only for 5 seconds every time....... The ONLY thing that can cause is TROUBLE!

I agree with the 1st post. Unless he is only working 2 or 3 days a week, there is NO way he can be working that long! NOBODY can survive on that little sleep, rest, ect. And I think it's probably even illegal? for an employer to have someone working like that.

I think you need to find a local church and start attending. I HIGHLY recomend a non-denominational church! You will find a GREAT support group there and probably make some mommy friends!

Perhaps you and your boyfriend should start going on a date once a month or so. Or go on a FAMILY outing together once a week. Schedule quality time together.

PS> You are not NOR did you MISS out on anything! I don't go out with my friends either...... NEVER did! I also never did the partying, drinking, etc. I have been babysitting since I was 10 and then waitressed at 15 and did a work at home job for a printing company, and worked at a retail store at 16. I do co-run a Moms' Group that our church has but that is only once a month. Find a local group that you and your daughter can attend. Or set up play dates with other stay-at-home moms.

I wouldn't change my life for anything! God has blessed our marriage more than I could have ever dreamed. But WE HAVE TO WORK AT IT TOO!

First of all. He is NOT your husband so you should NEVER refer to him as such. He is your boyfriend. If he wants to be introduced as your husband, then tell him to marry you.

You've answered your own questions.... "yes, I do beleive I settled down to quickly". That's way your having these thoughts and feelings.

You now want what most of your friends and girls your age want. You want to go out and experience life, that includes school, work, meeting new people, girl's night out, shopping, dating, movies and dinner with your boyfriend, etc. However, you chose a different path and now you want to make a u-turn. But unfortunately, that's not possible. Remember your first priority in life is your daughter.

I don't beleive that you don't love him anymore or that you want out of this relationship. You just want the relationship to change. Remember your first priority in life is your daughter. So concentrate on making your relationship with your boyfriend better. Do things to bring you closer not tear you apart.

Good luck.

First of all--about putting your fun & needs second, let me say "welcome to motherhood"! I think most moms feel that way to some degree or another, regardless of their age. Yep--you basically blew your youth so far. YOU chose to move in with a man without being married and YOU chose to have a child. The situation you're in is the result of YOUR decisions. You have a daughter. She should be your #1 priority. Get YOUR life in order--get a job--get a skill--be able to support yourself so you're not at the mercy of a man for the rest of your life. Work around his hours if you need to to eliminate childcare costs.
Yes--you are young at 21 and have a child. take control of your life and set some goals and make some plans. If you wouldn't marry this man tomorrow, you shouldn't be living with him!
And it would be a cold day in hell before I would "call" someone my husband who was NOT my husband in every sense of the word!

The problem isn't with your boyfriend or your child. The problem is that you basically gave up your own life. You're only 21 years old. That's still so young. You have every opportunity still in front of you. Whatever it takes, go back to school.
Your baby can handle daycare and will still be a happy healthy child. If you can't afford school, get a part-time job and start saving money now for a community college.
Your life can't stop when you're 21. Find out what you want to do with your life and start putting your plan into action. YOU NEED YOUR OWN IDENTITY.

.

I married when I was 17 and had my oldest less the 2 days later... I'm still married to my high school sweetheart 15 yrs later. I'm now 33 & he is 35 and we are expecting our 5th kid. No we didn't do all the parting - well I didn't he has a few more years of fun then I did, but I wouldn't go back and change anything except dropping out of high school to work my life away. But I have gotten my GED & when back to college... so I'm hoping life will get easier once the economy turns for the better.

I will never say marriage has been easy - it can be hard work!!! There are times when I want to run out the door screaming & yes we fight from time to time, but I can't see myself without him near me. I don't know if I will get my "till death do us part", but I still love being with him - so for now it still stands.

The only person that can help you right now is yourself! You have to choose what you want out of life & sometimes that can be hard to figure out. But I don't feel he should be asking you to lie about being married... if he wants the title "hubby" not boyfriend - then he needs to step up to the plate & make it happen!!! But if you don't know if you love him anymore, I don't think it is a good idea to get married till you figure that one out.

The long sifts might not be helping your situation - when I worked long hours we had more issues. You both feel alone in life & grow apart... if you want to try to make this relationship work - you are going to have to make your time together special & maybe see if he can cut out a few hours a week for more time with you & your daughter.

As for time w/ the girls - why don't you go out when your daughter isn't home? Even for a few hours?? I try to go to brunch once a month w/ my mom, sister & grandma - I'm only gone for about 2 hours max, but it is my time. The rest of my life is spent taking care of my kids & family. The last time I got my hair done was about a year ago, I can say I have never had my nails done & I just bought 2 pairs of new pants about two week ago - the time before that was about 2 yrs ago, but the old ones didn't fit my growing baby belly & the one I could still wear had a big hole in the butt... so they had to go. And me spending $40 on myself was hard... when I spend money on myself I think off all the things I could have got with the "wasted" money. Like the bassinet I need for the baby due in July or summer shoes for my kids or summer clothes for the kids, a tool hubby needs, or whatever anyone else need/wants in the house. But all in all - I love my life, but it is the life I choose. Don't get me wrong - it would be nice to do more of the other stuff - eating out, going to the movies, spending time with friends, or go out & buy stuff just because with out thinking about it or budgeting for it but I would never give up my kids or hubby to get thouse things.

But like I said - it's the life I choose & I'm happy with my life - not that anyone else would be if they were in my shoes. You need to figure out what you want out of life & work for it. If that is with this man then it is, if it is without him then it is... but you need to find where you want to be. Age isn't a factor... but so you know as a mom you do give up a lot! A good mom will always put their child first! Even if at times they feel lost & unappriciated, but remember that childs smile is the best payment you will ever recieve. And at the end of the day - for me that is all that matters... that I put smiles on my kids faces & my hubby is there to put his arms around me. Everything else doesn't matter & I can make it through everything if I have those 2 things in my day.

I hope you find your peace & happiness in this world and find the path you want to walk & figure out who you want to walk with... right now I think you are lost. Good luck!

Hi Brie,

I'm sorry you're so confused right now.
I see you feel quite overwhelmed and you have a lot on your plate. Just try to keep each issue separate and find a solution for each separately:
- Do you want or not to stay in a relationship with him?
--If yes, them do what it takes to make it work (not flirting with others...)
--If no, then leave him. Don't wait for him to cheat on you. That's just ufair to him.

- Are you uncomfortable saying you're married because it's a lie, or because you would like to really be or because you would like to be separated? Depending on the answer, either don't lie and say you're girlfriend/boyfriend, or ask him to really marry you, or leave him

- Whether you continue with him or not, keep in mind that you daughter will still take your attention full time. Being separated will not give you more time for yourself at all. Try to find was to have time for yourself (co-op daycare, mom's groups...)

I have seen several other posts on this site from other very young mothers who felt overwhelmed with the responsibilities and who had hard time adjusting to being a full time mom while their friends where going out to parties several times a week. Try to reach out to them. You can share experience, support each other, and if you live close enough, even exchange baby sitting services for some girls' nite out.

Good luck

If he he really wanted to be your husband, then he would be a REAL man and get off his butt and marry you! Sounds like he just wants to play house.

Don't ever lie for anyone.

If he wants you to look like his wife, then he should make you his wife.

Asking you to lie is a big, bright red flag that this guy is not someone you want to spend the rest of your life with.

Not only is he now asking you to lie, but he won't even get up the guts to marry you, even though he's already had a child with you.

Don't let your daughter grow up thinking that that is what a man is. And I've gotta tell you, you ought not to be thinking that way either.

At 20 years old you have the world at your feet, EVEN as a mom. There are grown men out there that would love to be married, provide for a family and treat a woman the way she deserves to be treated. A lot of them are a little older... but it sounds like you're comfortable with that.

Personally I settled down young as well and my husband is much older than I am too. But he has never asked me to do anything dishonorable or wrong. He has always treated me with respect and class.

Set your standards high. No joke. Be a snob. Get yourself and your little girl into a better situation before life gets harder.

As for the guy you're with now - he will always be someone you cared for. And he will always be the father of your child. But that doesn't mean you have to serve a life sentence for it unless you WANT to be with him and grow old together and make it work. But listen - if that IS what you want.... you better get that man in line really quick. He needs to marry you, and the two of you need to go into couples counseling to work out these issues together so you can have a healthy relationship.

Best of luck, no matter which decision you make!

You need to get out. You were 17 he was 26? You're going to be 21, and you have a child with him. If he is supporting her, that's going to be a sticking point and he'll want visitation. You really need to talk to someone. You are being terrorized by him, he is holding you, basically, hostage. Depending on where you live, you may be able to call the village or town to see if they have any crisis counselors. There is no reason if you don't love him to stay and be miserable (belive me, I'm in that life now and have been for 20 years!) You need to be happy, your daughter deserves to have a happy mom and life too. ###-###-#### (Googled - Tinley Park - Social Services - Crisis Center of South Suburbia. They may be able to help or refer you to someone. Do you have a church, pastor?
Get some help for yourself, good luck.

In my opinion, you have grown up a little too fast. You were in an adult situation with a grown man while still a child. You still have some growing up to do. Now there's a baby here and there is nothing you can do about that but you need to make some changes in your life. Maybe put the baby in daycare and go back to school. You will be 21 but your life is not over. You have a child now so you must face up to that responsibility. You are starting to resent him for the conditions in your life. Make some changes, positive changes and see after that if you still want to be with him.

I'm only responding to the part about not doing anything for yourself and sitting at home all day:

Find a mom's group, if nothing else! It will help immensely! Try Meetup.com and search for a group in your area. You need to get out! Will it help with the rest of the issues - maybe, maybe not, but at least you will feel somewhat better.

You don't sound confused to me. Sounds like you want to be honest. If he wants to be hubby, then do the deal. You are young and need a life. Being married is negotiation and that calls for both of you to have some away time, still moderately enjoy your respective friends and work on the relationship. If this is your need and he isn't willing you have a decision to make. Healthy relationships are found in honesty, integrity, communication and compromise. That's the truth no matter what age you are. God bless and good luck!

You have grown apart from this man and you need to leave this person. What you think you want when you are 17 changes greatly from what you want when you are 21. If you are looking for excuses to leave him, than there should be no question as to what you need to do. It is also not possible that this man is working from 7am to midnight. He is either cheating or just hanging out with his buddies so that he doesn't have to be involved with his own child. Leave this man and don't look for another one for awhile. You need to get your life and your priorities in order.

Couple of things I'm seeing. First if he doesn't want to marry you (on paper, with a ring, and commitment) he doesn't get the perk of being called Husband. It's more like you are common-law husband/wife and that sounds cheesy, doesn't it?

The other thing is that I feel like you are staying with him only because he is the father of your child and I definitely see resentment throughout your post. Sounds like you need to get out of this relationship (I can't offer advice on that) as it isn't doing you any good and could be damaging your child as they see and are affected by more than you might believe. good luck to you.

It sounds like you kinda resent him....for you not having any fun during your young adult years. Start to think more about you and what you want with your life. You seem to have started your adult life, before you finish your teenage life.

No "easy" answers to this one ... except, trust your instincts! You're lucky you never actually married this man, at least no divorce and custody issues to deal with! As a 41 yr old whose parents divorced when I was 17, I can tell you with total confidence that kids would rather live with only 1 parent who loves them than with 2 who are always fighting! Find family or friends who can support you and help you until you can support yourself and your children. My gut feeling is "run"!! You'll never find another man if you're still dependent on your "hubby" for everything!!

I'm sorry but I don't have a lot of advice for you. If your state is like Texas though, and you introduce yourself as being married then you are considered common law married. Be careful with the terms you use if you don't want to be married to him. Maybe you need to find some "you" time. Do you have anyone that could watch your daughter for a little while so you can spend some time to yourself? You also need time for ya'll to spend together for adult time---like a date night or something. Has he always worked from 7am to midnight? That's 17 hours a day!!! Are you sure he is at work that whole time? That just sounds strange to me unless he only works 2 or 2 1/2 days per week. Does he work 40 hours a week or more?

he will never marry you - he isn't the right match for you - get out now, no reason to waste more of your or his time

Being married is SO MUCH more then saying it, that ceremony, that piece of paper brings more to the table - I lived with my husband for 4 yrs before we got married and marriage was different then just living together.

Legally he is required to support his child till she is 18. There is no way he is working that long, none whatsoever. He is lying to you and you know it.

Look into childcare assistance, go to school and start your life - you are young enough to make it work if you do it now. In ten years it will be harder. In 3 yrs it will be harder but now it won't be as bad. LEAVE HIM