Soon to Be 5 Yr Old Boy with Massive Meltdowns Plz Helps Us

I agree with the other posters that this poor child is very angry, hurt and scared and that's why he's acting out.

When my GD first came to live with me, she acted out also. Not to this extent however. But every night when I tucked her in, I would tell her that no matter how bad she was, she was mine forever and I was always going to be here and always going to love her. It took probably over a year, but she finally calmed down. I think she just needed to know that we loved her unconditionally - and she was testing that.

Perhaps it's the same with your little guy. Try telling him that when you tuck him in. Let him know that you love him no matter what, you will always be there for him and then show him that.

Also, when my daughter (GD's mother) was going in and out of her life, my GD was a wreck. It really reaks (sp?) havoc on their self-esteem. My GD's teacher would know immediately on Monday morning whether mom had shown up that weekend or had disappointed GD yet again. She had a degree in child psychology so my GD was just where she needed to be for that year.

Please find him a therapist to talk to. And I agree that you need to stop tracking his bad behavior. He's only 4 - he really doesn't understand nor care about your charts!

Wow - bipolar and ADHD are two very didfferent things!!! While he may have ADHD or not - that has nothing to do with what's going on with this boy. First treat him with compassion - he is obviously dealing with something over which he has no control. He wishes he did but he's 5. I hope that you and your BF are able to controll yoruselves so he can feel that someone has control over the situation since clearly his bio-mom is flaking out on him.

coming from the mom of someone who has a child with a mental health disorder I can tell you that it's more likely that he's struggling with a mental health problem - since his reactions & responses are not within the norm. My child was diagnosed as a teen with borderline personality disorder - but in retrospect I know she dealth with it forever. She would have 90 minute tantrums. When told to calm down in her room she could easily go on in torment for hours. She was always more sensitive to stimuli than other kids and was very easily offended. She really struggled when she got to middle school and it got worse in high school. She tried to take her life, she cut, she forced herself to throw up , etc.
I'm telling you all this becuase now she is 1,000% better becuase we got her the right kind of mental health care. She hasn't cut, taken pills, or thrown up in almost a year. She's doing well in school, she has a much nicer circle of friends.
There are many levels and types of mental health issues from minor (ADHD) to severe that results in debilitating illness and lifelong problems. IF you can get this child into the right counseling & prehaps medication early in life he will have so much better a chance for a fulfilling, successful life.
We went through a few counselors and psychiatrist (those who provide medication). When there's a suicide attempt parents lose rights for 72 hours and the child is put under inpatient observation. We found that they generally treat all children the same and we didn't get the appropriate or accurate medicaion, or diagnosis. After lots of attempts and finally an excellent referral we found a doctor who was able to diagnose my child, treat her and get her healthy. for my daughter talk therapy was not nearly as helpful as the proper medication (again, trial & error and eventually success!). But for many other talk therapy is more successful.
Bottom line - get this child evaluated promptly. With his mother being a mess and perhaps some mental health issues inherited from her he needs someone to commit to always being there for him, someone who promises to outlast him, and will never turn away.
REalize that the first therapist or psychiatrist may not be the best match or if you don't see results - find someone new. It takes a lot of effort, and it may take financial resources you're not prepared to spend - but this child needs evaluation and the sooner he gets it the better his life (and yours) will be. Be prepared that at first things can get more difficult - but the long term pay off is sooooooooooooo very worth it. If you even need someone to "talk" to or bounce idea off of private message me - not a problem at all.

You may have come into this child's life for this purpose - who knows - how much better to have a stable person in your life! God bless you mama.

Turn your focus to the good-and only the good-he has a lot of pent up hostility, anger, hurt and frustration-a professional needs to sort this out-good luck, it takes time and love, and patience.

Have you taken him to counseling? Why is naughty behavior automatically assumed to be ADHD, ADD, Autism, or bi-polar disorder? P.S., bipolar & ADHD are nothing like each other!! Stop looking up his symptoms on the internet, seriously!

He sounds like a very tortured, sad, angry little guy. Wouldn't you feel that way, after you'd gone through what he has? He has a mom that doesn't want him and is in a new home, with a new mom & sibling, where everyone is just expecting him to be automatically happy & perfectly adjusted. He's only 4, and he may have a hard time communicating his negative feelings in an effective way, so he acts out. I would take him to a child play therapist to see what they say.

Oh, and please, stop tracking his bad behavior. I guarantee that it's doing more damage than good. He is 4 & is not going understand what you're trying accomplish with the chart.

I think the reason is obvious - it's not his diet or abnormal brain chemistry. It sounds like he is angry. And for any child who has an unloving mother and is living with strangers (in his eyes of course), then it is normal to be angry.

I suggest transitioning your conversations from his behavior to the root behind the behavior. A family therapist may be helpful.

I feel sorry for the little guy. He has a lot going on in his life and probably feels very, very disorganized. He needs help and someone to advocate for him with your boyfriend, you, his mom and the school. Talk to his pediatrician for appropriate referrals. He may need play therapy. He may need evaluations. He may have sensory issues (and a sensory meltdown is not exactly the same as a temper tantrum). He may just have just entirely too much going on in his home life for him to be able to process and accept. What you are doing is not working, and it's not fair to keep doing something that isn't working. A square peg will never go into a round hole. This little boy needs some help to make his world easier to navigate.

UPDATE:
What you tell the doctor is that you are having behavioral issues, that there have been multiple changes in the household, identify what has happened with the household changes, identify the particular behaviors and ask the doctor for suggestions on what will help. If the doctor does not immediately offer up a referral to at least a play therapist, then ask about one.

We are dealing with similar behavior, althoug I can't tell if there are any good moments in your description. Our son is generally a great kid, smart, eager to learn, very active. He just wants things HIS way, when HE wants them, and he goes into full meltdown when you redirect him from unacceptable behavior. This pattern comes & goes and is unpredictable but seems to be really the worst when there's a significant change in routine or structure. And once we're in a mode of negative behavior and negative discipline, it's hard to get back on track toward anything positive. It sounds like your son has a LOT to deal with - new family, new siblings, probably new place to live, maybe even kindergarten soon? Wow. And no Mom stability makes it even harder.
We're trying a few different things, but the most successful so far have been:
- have your behavior chart track smaller time periods - a DAY is too long for a 5 year old to remember what 8-9AM was like vs. 2-3pm good vs. bad. Talk after each hour about what it felt like to make good choices, and what it felt like to make bad choices and have consequences. Try to "reset" the new period of time with a deep breath and a smile, and that you know he is trying hard and that he can make good choices. Tell him what good behaviors you expect. Be specific. Provide some opportunities for him to earn his toys back. Overly praise him when he meets those rewards.
- Try to keep your every day routine the same as much as possible. This includes wake up times, the routine to get ready, mealtimes, times of high energy activity, quiet times, how you manage transitions, when you have 1:1 time, and what you do to wrap up your day for bedtime. Create a consistent list of family rules that everyone has to stick to. Create a set of consequences that are meaningful that everyone has to stick to. Have a family meeting where everyone in the family understands the rules - what TO DO, and what NOT TO DO, rewards and consequences, and scheduled routine. Write it down, Hang it on your wall, make everyone sign it (sounds crazy, but it helps to have an agreement that you can refer to); Be consistent about enforcing the rules.
- Read the book :Parenting the Strong Willed Child by Forehand and Long. The first skill they teach has had the biggest impact for us. It's called "Attending" where you provide a running commentary of what your child is doing, particularly focusing on the positive aspects of what they're doing. Attending provides your child attention to good behaviors, AND it provides a "reset" for your relationship, especially if lately you've started to only notice negative behavior. Not every moment is negative and attending helps you at least get back to neutral, and maybe positive. I've found that I can stop a meltdown in progress just by changing the mood by neutrally describing what he's doing.
- Also, read: How to talk so your kids will listen and listen so your kids will talk. The book goes through multiple skills that help create empathy with your child, give positive attention to reinforce good behavior, provide expectations for them to meet (in a good way).
These books are relatively easy to read a chapter per night and put some of the tips into practice the next day. I think even the first chapters in each book are the most helpful.
As an aside: I think it's weird that your kids have special food that is theirs and theirs alone. Is it like one person's oreos stashed somewhere, and another person stealing someone else's treats? Sounds like just another source of conflict, and something that adults can manage when they are unrelated roommates - not in a family with kids. Do you want your common household to really function like a family? I believe that a family should be a bit like a commune of shared responsibilities and shared resources. A family should have common food that is provided at specific mealtimes and snack times by the parents. And common healthy snacks for everyone (fruit, string cheese, veggies). Your house rules should include respect and care for everyone's things and feelings, but the system you describe seems really hard for kids to understand and follow.

ETA: the food thing makes a little more sense now, but again, I think a 5 year old has little self control for that kind of thing. Pretty hard for him to understand that at the movie he got some, and now it's gone.
Does your school have a counselor, and does your son have the same behavior at school? Our school counselor and his teacher have been really helpful at partnering with us for consistency on messaging, and techniques that are working or not successful. They provide us daily feedback on how things are going, and are helping us to identify triggers.
I would pursue getting the school to work with you, and your school should help you identify what you need to ask your doctor or refer you to a psychologist. They are trained to look for learning disabilities or challenges getting in the way of learning. And they see hundreds of kids every day. I would call your doctor and describe exactly what you've asked us. Try to document some trends and patterns, and try what has been suggested. If it hasn't been successful, then the doctor/psych will already know what you've tried for behavioral changes.

Could he have reactive hypoglycemia? Just a thought.

When my son was 3y and started doing this I realized that calling a time out and giving him some juice would help nip in the butt. Their bodies change at different rates and for mine his low blood sugar would bring on the rage.

Another thing we do from time to time is to role play. They always fuss and carry on when we ask them to start the bath time routine. So when they ask us to go get them a drink, we start to whine and fuss just like them. Its amazing how quick they turn into 'us' trying to talk us out of the whinning.

Is he getting enough one-on-one time with his dad? Maybe they can work on some projects together. My husband gives our son a small project to work on next to him while he works on a bigger project.

Our son is adopted (he came to us at 2 1/2 yrs) and his birth mom tries to be involved but it really confuses him. We have really limited her interaction with him. We tell him all of the time that he is a special gift from God, this mommy and daddy are never going to leave him and that we love him no matter how he acts and will never stop loving him.

Our son does have behavioral issues but we try to be very consistent and quick to respond. Have you looked into Love and Logic? Also, we work with a children's counselor. Our son doesn't go to her, I do. She works with me to help me know how to work with him and help understand his anger and confusion.

I work very closely with our son's teachers to help this understand his situation. This little boy's teacher needs to understand that he is confused, worried about whether his mom loves him, and is probably worried about whether you will be around for the long run.

Most boys aren't able to express appropriately what they are feeling. Sometimes, I give our son the words he needs. Like the following: Are you feeling sad? I feel sad when you seem sad or angry. Do you miss your mom? I know it feels bad when you can't see your mom. Your dad and I love you and we know you love your mommy. We want you to feel happy but we can't allow you to do _______ because it's our job to help you make good decisions.

Anyway, I think it's too early to be worried about mental issues. This little boy just needs to feel secure and he needs someone to help him work through missing his mom. It's not easy believe me I know. Our son has been with us almost 4 years and there is still so much to work on.

Sounds like a trip to the pediatrician is in order to be evaluated for the behavior. I am at a loss here for you. Sounds like he does need help. Start with your doctor. Many times they are affiliated with a child psychologist.