Sons Friend

Maybe he could spend the night after a pool playdate, if there is a pool available for them. Then they could come home clean in swim trunks with clothes in a bag, she could give him some of her son's clothes to put on while she washes all his clothes and pjs before they go to bed, and send him home clean for a change. It might have to wait for warmer weather, but it's all I can think of that doesnt involve telling the boy or his mother that he is too dirty.

I have a son who is almost 13. At this age they really do know their house situation is not the same as others. He should be lucky to have your nephew as a friend because my guess is he gets teased at school (and probably has for years). I would have this kid over as much as possible and give him a place to be clean! Start with a sleepover and do the shower at night, toothbrush, comb, etc. (I keep extra's because we've had impromptu sleepovers and needed them.) When they are ready for bed casually mention you are doing a load of laundry and offer to include his. Once your sister really gets to know this kid she can offer to have him bring his school clothes over when he spends the night and give them a real good cleaning. If she knows for sure the house is that filthy she needs to let someone know. It's not healthy for the kids or parents.

You could possibly turn him into being a cleaner person with the right amount of tact and care. The shower before bed rule is a great idea. Get some toothbrushes from the dollar store so it looks like you keep extra anyway and after asking him if he brought his toothbrush, offer him one. You can teach him some personal hygene if you are sensative to him. I would look for ways to be a positive influence for him. He didn't pick his parents.

#1, head lice only like clean people. They can't stick their eggs to dirty hair, the oil keeps the glue from working. Now body lice on the other hand only like dirty bodies and usually stay in the...um...nether regions...but he would be clawing away and it would be obvious if he had something like that.

#2, the swim party idea has much merit.

http://headlice.org/ is a good website for anyone concerned about lice.

The shower before bed and the pool ideas are great. Another idea would be when the weather is a littler warmer, squirt gun wars in the back yard . . . now the buys and their clothes are soaked, so you have a reason to make them shower and wash their clothes. Another thought would be a back yard, or back porch camping sleep over. This way and bugs stay outside where they belong. Or take them hiking for the day - they are together but not in your home. Either way, most 13 year olds are aware of the world enough to notice that their home or themselves are not as clean as their peers. Maybe after a few visits when you have a repore with this kid and he knows you care, you could talk to him about the issue. If he is that dirty, I'm sure he is self consious about it as school and might appreciate a little help as long as he does not feel attacked or put down.

Good Luck!!!

My son has a friend that comes from a house where the things are not as bad as you sad but kind of close. When he comes here for a play date or sleep over he just know that in our house the rules are different and he has to follow them in order to come here. He does and it works fine for me. I actually have a special bottom and shirt for him to wear (borrow) when he is here. After we come back in the house we do change cloths, so he must do too. And his mom actually did thanks me for the things she did notice "after he comes back from my house". Hope this is helpful.

could she not implement the "showers before bed" rule? make sure both boys are showered and teeth brushed, just like we do with our little ones. she doesn't have to being her son in on it, just announce after dinner, ok guys, time for showers before bed. wierd? just a thought, i don't have a 13 year old.

If your description is accurate, this home is a health hazard. I suggest that your sister talk with the school nurse. At least in Portland Public Schools, the school nurse deals with this sort of issue. Each school has a nurse assigned to be at that school one day/week.

Another suggestion is to call Child Protective Services who can send a worker to visit the home and offer help in getting it cleaned up. In most cases the children are left in the home as long as the family is working to clean up the house to meet basic health standards.

I agree, that at 13, this boy knows he's dirty and wonder why he isn't able to clean himself up. Which then brings up some questions your sister can ask him. Do they have running water connected to a tub or shower? Do they have a washer? Is anyone in the home ill? Even what does he think about the way he looks?

Start out with a general statement of being concerned about him and how he feels about himself. Your nephew will know if the boy is accepted and how he's treated at school. This could be the starting point for the conversation.

She can ask compassionate questions about him and his family. Perhaps his mother is ill and cannot do housework. Perhaps there is no mom. Perhaps they are poor and do not have a hot water heater or washing machine.

If these things are true there are still ways for this family to be clean. Hopefully the family would appreciate some help. If these things are true and there is a mom, I suggest that she is very depressed and not able to find alternative ways to keep things clean.

I grew up during a time when it was fairly common for people to not have a hot water, heater, a tub or shower, or sometimes even water piped into the house. Families were still clean. This situation can be changed with the parent's co-operation.

In my experience most, but I do have to admit not all, CPS caseworkers were compassionate and approached this sort of situation tactfully. I saw several families in filthy homes be able to clean up with help from CSD.

If the boy is embarrassed by his condition, he may respond well, to your sister's help in finding ways for him to improve his personal hygiene. He may not know how to take care of himself if he's not had a good role model and help to do so at home.

I know that your question was specifically about how to deal with this boy staying overnight. I encourage your sister to take it further and help this boy improve his health, his self-confidence, and his acceptance by peers. Kudos to your nephew and your sister for befriending this apparently quite needy boy.

If it makes you feel any better, lice do not like dirty heads :)

I would think that if your nephew has been over there and didnt bring lice and stuff home then his friend proly doesnt have it. Maybe your sister could have them take a shower or something before bed, his friend doesnt have to know its special. She could just say you boys were playing all day and gotta get clean. If his pjs are dirty she could offer a pair of her sons or try tp wash them. This is kinda a sticky situation and can be embarrasing for the friend who proly doesnt even relize hes dirty if its all he has ever known. If she does discover bugs then I wouldnt let him come over again. Once when I was a child I stayed at my moms best friends house to play with her kids and came home with a rash from bed bugs! My mom had to tell her best friend why I wasnt allowed back at her house! I hope I could help a little and good luck!

Something to keep in mind, is that lice for one, are more attracted to a clean head of hair than dirty due to the fact that the oil produced on the head makes it very hard for them to bond to the hair shaft.
I don't mean to be rude, but your sister kind of seems to have things backwards... letting her son stay at his house puts him in more danger of fleas, dirty conditions, lice, etc. than letting the friend stay at her house.
I suggest letting the friend stay and making it a rule that showers are to be taken before bed. I don't see anything wrong with letting him believe that it's a standard rule in the house and everyone is expected to follow it, including guests.