Sons First Trip Away from Mom - 5 Days Out of State...

Don't you have custody?
What does the custody and visitation papers say?

To take a child out of State, say on an airplane... there needs to be the permission, ON paper, of BOTH parents. Signed and notarized and he must carry this paper on him. It is a Consent to Travel of a Minor Aged Child With Only One Parent, type of form.
Do your Custody papers, say your Ex can take him out of State? If not then you can tell the authorities.

HOW come, this trip was planned without your consent? and without your knowledge?
A 4 year old is too young to make these decisions.
Your son does not know his Dad very well. Dad is not in the picture on a regular basis.

WHAT do the LAWS say, in your State?

Does your son, have some kind of I.D.?
Before he goes, take a RECENT photo of him, perhaps on the day he leaves.... and print it. That will be a way for you to keep track of your son.
TELL your son/the Dad, that they need to call you during the day and before bed.
Do Skype with them. It is free.
www.skype.com

Also, you really need to see what the legalities of your custody are or not, and of his too.

And, I would hope that, your Ex has insurance etc., in case your son gets sick or something.
Then what?

I personally, would not want my kid going... with a guy that my child does not know well, nor their family.
Mostly you do not trust your Ex or his family.
Too.

I say no go on the trip, mainly bc of the fact dad is not an active role in his sons life. Itd be best for them to plan something after he gets back. He will be busy with the ill family member and from your post probably won't be attentive to his son

Your son is going on a trip with his Father....he will be fine. This is good for all of you..

Treat your son with high expectations and he will accomplish living up to them..

Use this time to do some fun things for yourself..

That is a difficult decision.
I let my kids visit their dad, knowing I didn't trust him but knowing I DID trust his parents to care for them and look out for them.
Think about: Is there anyone, dad's girlfriend, dad's sister, that you trust?
Does dad ever drink and drive with kid in the car?
Do you trust he will not TAKE your child and refuse to return?

In other circumstances, I'd say this would be a good thing. For kids with specific anxieties, the best place to get over them is often away from home, away from a comforting person like mom. Without a loving fallback, they often rise to the occasion really well.

BUT, this sounds like it could be a chaotic, distracted situation, and your ex (do I have that right -- he's your ex?) doesn't sound like the most connected, engaged dad in the world. I also think it's important for parents to deal very lovingly and carefully around issues of illness and (possible) death. I'd consider putting the kibosh on this trip not necessarily b/c of the length or the sleep issues but b/c your ex may not be able to give your son enough attention, w/ everything else that's going on.

Ours is a different situation entirely, but it might have some relevance. Our boy is just two, and already, I've done business trips out of state without him. He's been left in his father's/ my husband's care, in our home for as many as four nights. Daddy's do things differently, daddy's may or not be as attentive to frights and boo boos, but somehow they managed.

With an ill mother, I imagine that your son's father's attention will necessarily be divided, as will that of the other family members present. So long as he recieved adequate supervision and care, he will do fine, and might come back bigger, stronger and wiser.

Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

He would be with his father, that seems pretty reasonable to me. I think your current arrangement of your son only seeing his dad one night every other weekend is not enough. I understand you moved far away (severely minimizing opportunies for them to be together) and he is not paying child support. I think both of these situations need to change for the best interest of your child.

I separated when my daughter was four and we made the commitment to live in the same city, less than a mile apart (and still do, my daughter is 19 now). I absolutely encouraged their time together, even if that put me in the position of being home by myself.

5 days is a bit much and will be a trying time for all I think. How good is this girlfriend? Can you atleast have a civil conversation with her. When my daughter was around 6 her dad took her up to NY to be with family for 5 days. Did not work out to well. I had seen first hand that some of his family wanted nothing really to do with my daughter at that point (she of course wanted their attention). Well ended up middle of the night her calling me on the phone crying upset got scared because of a spider or something nightmare and i had to stay on the phone with her until she fell asleep. Since then I've been leary about anything but an over night in the same state. Well last year she was 10 and more mature so I aggreed to let her father take her on a trip for 5 days out of state with his family again. She was more mature and more able to look after herself. She met a girl around her age and they had a blast. She said it was her best vacation ever. I have found that father and daughter as she got older was able to have a better relationship with her father and they are really close now. I'd see if the girlfriend can keep some sort of eye on him. If you don't allow it it can become an issue also. Looking back I'd probaby still let her go because for the next few years when she wantedd to go I'd remind her remember i can't hop on a plane and be there if you need me. So it was not until she was a bit older and in a better relationship with her father did it work out well and actually bond them more.

I see your son is 4.5. I'm still married to my daughters' father and he's a really good dad etc but I know they would have been very upset to be away from me for 5 days at that age. I think it'd still be very hard for them and they're 6.5 and 8 now. So I don't think you're overreacting personally... I wouldn't have let my husband take our 4.5 year old for 5 days and again, he's a great dad, they live with him 7 days a week too but at that age, mommy seems more critical to their overall comfort. My kids were the same way at night too in terms of always wanting me to stay with them and I"m not sure my husband would have had the patience. Any chance you can go too? Will your ex be furious if you say no or just annoyed? I'd see if there's some compromise. Same time - does he spend nights with his dad now? If so, he can do it and kids don't have the same sense of time we do so 2 nights vs 5 might not be all that much harder for your son. And this is his father... Tough one. Sorry.

Maybe I am too overprotective but I wouldn't do it. Maybe a couple days but five is a long time especially for a child who is already having night time issues. It would be a different situation if his father was more attentive. There are a lot of things in your post that would concern me if it was my child and I just wouldn't feel comfortable. Best to you!

When I was 9, my dad, brother, and I drove from Iowa to California to attend the funeral of a grampa I barely knew. My mom was nervous and I was a little nervous to be away from her, but we both trusted my dad enough. It was a great adventure. Yes, my dad did things differently than my mom would have. There were only 2 seats in the van-- driver and passenger-- and the rest of us sat on a mattress or the cooler in the back. There were times when I ate meals of soda and chips. We also picked up a hitchhiker. But all in all, I was safe and had a great time. Now when I compare that to your son's travel opportunity, your situation raises more red flags to me. Some things to think about: Is your ex likely to consume alcohol on this trip? Is your son excited or nervous about the trip? Is your son afraid of his father? How often and in what ways will you be able to communicate while he is gone? What is your ex's plan B, C, D for things like your son wetting his pants, being hungry at odd times, being bored while traveling, etc? Knowing his plans may help you feel better about the trip. I would go back and look at that court order to be certain of what rights you each have legally. And finally, who cares if your ex gets angry? That is the beauty of your divorce. You don't have to be responsible for, fix, or even care about his reactions anymore. You just have to be respectful and do your part to communicate clearly with him on issues that involve your son. Good luck and God bless.

I just read your SWH. The trip has probably happened by now, but I just wanted to tell you what I perceive in your words-- for future use. It sounds like you feel that you should assist your ex in instilling a feeling a trust in your son for his father. Yet it sounds like his father is not actually trustworthy. I know you want your son to trust his father, but that is not actually your job. A trustworthy person gains the trust of a child on their own. It's OK for you to step out of this role and let their relationship be what it is. Even a father who only sees his child a few times a year is capable of gaining the child's trust and admiration as well as that of the child's mother. It happens by the father choosing to act in a certain way and choosing to communicate in a certain way. If he does not do this on his own, it is OK for you to let it be. It is OK for your son to learn that his father is not dependable. Then when he meets people who are dependable, he will know the difference and know who to emulate. I think it sounds like you are doing a great job looking out for your son's protection. I just think, like me, you might still need to adjust your thinking-- out of the way you used to think while living with your ex, and into something better.

I didn't read the other responses, but I'm going to respond from a mom whose son had similar a nighttime/attachment personality. People used to get SO frustrated when he was little (he just turned 6) because he only wanted me. Frankly, it frustrated me sometimes as well because I literally couldn't even take a shower!

Knowing my son's personality (and the fine boy he's grown into), I don't think I would allow this trip to happen. It would be a lot different if Dad had overnights regularly and seemed more concerned with the attachment needs of your son. It would also be different if this was a trip that was discussed with you, or if your son knew the grandma. However, I don't know too many kids who'd want to go see a family member they've never met, especially when said person is ill.

Why does Dad want his son to go so badly? It seems this was NOT a well-thought out decision, and he isn't considering his son's needs at all. If he were, he'd recognize that a 5 day trip when he doesn't usually have his son overnight to go see an ill family member is not a trip for a 10 year old, let alone a boy who's not even 5 and already has nighttime needs that his dad isn't willing to be compassionate about.

I'm glad that your mind has been eased by the stepson going, but not allowing your son to go on this trip is NOT sheltering him. It's seeing to his needs and recognizing that 5 days away when he's not used to being away even one night is not necessarily going to promote bonding between father and son. In fact, it could go the opposite way and damage what relationship they may have currently.

Just read Leigh's response, and that's exactly how I feel!

I know you've already added your 'what happened' & told us your decision which I think is a good thing. Son & father need to develop a relationship & your son needs to see him as someone he can trust. My only other thing to add: You mention your son will tell you EVERYTHING when he gets back. Take it w/a grain of salt as it is coming from the viewpoint of a 4.5 yr old. Don't ask him for a blow-by-blow of the trip, rather let him tell you at his own pace so that he doesnt' feel like he has to 'inform' on his father. Stress that you think it was great for him to see his dad, brother & extended family. Keep it at 'did you have fun?' You don't want to make him feel like he's in the middle of you two.

Do you have a court order or just a verbal agreement? It sounds like all the mommy warning bells and whistles are going off. and you shouldn't let him go. Why does your child have security issues? Are they worse around his father? And why would you let him go if his father is a Dad only at his own convenience. He is 4 and a half, he does not need to see a dying old lady. If I had to I would follow him. If he is a great Dad and he is there all the time for his son and has a civil relationship with you that would be different...