Son Will Not Quit Wining

Books that may be helpful: "Love & Logic" and "How to Talk so Your Kids Will Listen and Listen So Your Kids Will Talk" By Faber & Maslitch--this book is a great book which I still use as a reference book that I look at periodically. Very practical solutions and responses for your situation. Also Faber & Maslitch have "Sibling Rivalry" which is great.

Make sure your son is getting enough sleep, and have his vision checked. I'm sure it's not very common but my nephew's attitude did a complete turn-around when they discovered he needed glasses.

A.,
I have a son who is 12 now, but when he was about the same age we went through about the same thing. It was just a passing phase, Thank-God, but one thing we did is when his behavior was like that we would send him to his room...sometimes he would destroy his room, then would be even more angry when he was unable to come out until it was clean again. After missing dinner with the family & not getting family time after, I think he learned. I hope this helps a little.
Good Luck!

One thing that we used to help with our boys was Magic !-2-3. You can get it from your local library on tape or as a book. It stresses that children are not little adults to be reasoned with and yet they usually can figure out what they are doing wrong and what they can do, by themselves, to make it right. It really helped me to not get so angry at their misbehavior as well as eliminate the screaming match. I still use the system with my 13 year old and it works pretty well, as long as I remain consistent and follow through. It is important that both parents read or at least understand the system so you are consistent in how you are teaching your children to respond. He might just be getting mixed messages and doesn't really know what he is supposed to do. Good luck!

It sounds like you are very overwhelmed on a number of different issues. Hang in there.

First, with your son spacing off in school: Has he been screened for a learning disability or ADHD? On the flip side, perhaps he is bored at school and not feeling challenged. How does he do on standardized tests--is he way above his grade level? Have you had his IQ checked?

As far as his whining goes, how do the adults in his life act? If they are complaining and whining themselves, that is what he is learning to do. When he whines, tell him that you will listen to him when he can talk in a normal, grown-up voice. If he continues to whine, walk away from him.

The same goes for his temper--you can't expect him to keep his cool if you are losing it, too. (I saw a Nanny 911 episode where the family instituted a "time out rug" that you had to stand on if you lost your temper or were otherwise misbehaving--this went for the parents as well. The mom had anger issues and she put herself in time out a couple of times.) It's not OK for your kids to be abusive to each other or to you. When you can see the storm clouds rolling in, so to speak, have your kids go to their own rooms or in time out to "cool down". You will be teaching them a valuable lesson that they can use the rest of their lives.

You are sick of yelling, so stop yelling and start acting. Tell them that if they don't do "X", "Y" is going to happen. Tell them that once and then act on it. ("Pick up the toys in 10 minutes, or I'm bagging them up and they'll be put away for a week." Then follow through.)

As far as you working out of the home or continuing daycare, that is for you and your husband to decide. It is fine to take the kids' activities and thoughts into consideration, but that is ultimately YOUR decision.

One thing I did with my daughter- was actually a recommendation from another friend- and it worked perfectly....I told her "We have a new rule in the house, I understand everyone needs to whine every once in a while, the problem is, no one ever needs to listen to whining. So the new rule is, you can whine as much as you want, for as long as you want and even as loud as you want, but you can't do it in the house. Whenever you feel the need to whine, you go right out on the patio for as long as you need to." She whined one more time, I put her on the patio (was super nice about it) and told her to come in when she felt like it, that was the last time she whined.

Yelling won't help the situation. Try a firm, calm voice instead. Try using phrases as "I am not asking you to pick up your toys, I am telling you" which takes the choice out of it. You could give choices, "would you like to clean your room now or during dinner" was one of my favorite choices to my kids. They were very smart and always picked now instead of during dinner. Although my daughter always complained that really wasn't a choice. Whining is a way of getting attention. I worry more about the problem in school. Usually when a child "zones" out something is weighing heavily on his mind. Find out what that is. He is the middle child and that is a displacement as it is, not the older one so he hears "you aren't big enough for that like..." Not the younger one so he hears "you are to big for that" I am an middle child and it was really hard and I felt sandwiched in there. I wasn't the big kid although my sister was only a year and half older, I wasn't the baby. Maybe he needs some one on one attention regularly with you.

No matter what you do though, keep your cool, especially with other peoples children there. I would be horrified if my children went to a day care where the provider was yelling at the children, hers or others.

Hi A., my son dosent whine but he does get angry when he cant do what he wants when he wants. I sent him to his room for five minutes yesterday and he seemed to do really well with that. If he cant come out in a different mood then he gets to stay in his room. This is after many timeouts over the last few weeks. I do believe it is because he is jealous of his little brother and he wants everything his brother has.
Know it isnt the same thing you are dealing with but thought something might help.