Son's Behavior

I just read my morning devotions and the introduction into Psalms (when kids are starting rebel says Psalms 3 is for you. Good luck.

Hi B.
Divorce affects children as much as adults and there's this wonderful program called DivorceCare for Kids. It has been known to be a great help to children going though this challenging time. Here's the website:www.dc4k.org

Hope this helps!!

Definitely talk to the school counselor. But the thing that jumps out at me from your request is your ex saying "What happens here is none of your business." It IS your business if it affects your son! Is there any chance your ex is physically violent with his new girlfriend? Make sure your son knows what is acceptable and what isn't, even if he's exposed to different values at Dad's house. Good luck.

it sounds like your son might be board. if he is so far ahead in both math and reading, he may just need a more challenging setting. have you looked into other school options, or even just other programs for gifted children that may be offered in the school that he goes to already. he may also have a hard time relating to the other kids in his class due to his intelligence. it may be beneficial to have his IQ tested, and find a program that can meet his needs.

First of all it is every bit of your business what goes on with your ex and his girlfriend at their house, because their behavior is affecting your child. You must be on the same page when it comes to parenting whether you all live together as a family or live in seperate dwellings. You must meet with your ex and girlfriend and try to talk to them and get them to see that they are actually confusing or even scaring your son's well being. If this is successful and you agree on certain rules you could also have a "family" meeting and talk with your son present so he can see that you are communicating in a healthy way and that this is being done for him.
If your son is seeing this behavior from his father - he is just simply acting it out, because if he see's his father doing this (the adult) then he will think it is ok for him to do it. Explain this to your ex when you meet with him. If the meetings do not work out with your ex (it sounds like he is having problems with his girlfriend) then maybe suggest that your son spends time with his father only and so this will give your ex time to sort out any problems he is having away from your sons eyes. As for you, you need to set aside just 2 hours a week by yourself. Ask a family member or friend or neighbor you trust if they will watch your 2 yr old
whilst your son is at school. Then go to the mall - you don't have to spend anything - just window shop! Or go for a walk in the park or go and get your hair done. It is possible to make
time for yourself if you really try! Or even when your 2 yr old takes a nap - sit down in front of the tv and do absoluately nothing and watch a program or DVD or give yourself a facial, do your nails, call a friend on the phone, read a book - just make it something for yourself! Good Luck

Since your son is in the first grade and reading at the fourth grade level and doing math at the third grade level, he may be gifted. He is finishing his work before the others, so he needs to be in a more challenging environmnent. He is most likely bored. A child that is bored can be mistaken for being disruptive. The teacher can also give him more difficult assignments or perhps use him as You can also try putting him in a pee wee sports league to help him with all of his extra energy. A martial arts class will teach him discipline. Perhaps you can talk to his teacher to find ways to keep him busy. As far as the cussing is concerned, yes, he is probably picking that up from his father's house. Try talking to him so he will understand that using that type of language is inapproriate. His father needs to understand that whatever is going on with him and his mate should not be done in front of the children. Explain to the father that you are not trying to get into his business, but if he wants things to be "kept in his home" then he should control his behavior in front of his children. Children are like sponges, they see, hear and pick up everything you do and say.

What happens in his home is your business because it is affecting your son, and he needs to know this!! Make it a point that he needs to understand that what he and his girlfriend are doing and saying is affecting your son and his behavior, and if things do not get better, then you need to rethink the custody issue. Start recording his behavior in a journal, every time he is sent home and what he does and says to get him in trouble. Ask his teachers to start logging his behavior as well. Then see about getting your ex into anger management. You may have to go to drastic measures to get your son out of your exes home. This is a serious situation and this behavior can and will escalate into serious problems as he gets older. You need to intervene NOW!! Your ex needs to realize that his behavior is having a serious impact on his son and he needs to shield his son from his actions and behaviors. This is not going to get better on it's own and something has to be done before it's too late.

First off, Dad has to get with the program wether he likes it or not. Explain to him that yes "what happens here is none of my business, but when jr. is brining your business home, it becomes my business and WE need to solve this problem." When my 7 year old was having behaviour issues at the beginning of the year, we had a conference with the teacher to try and work on a 2 front approach, so we knew what she was doing in class, and she knew what we were doing at home. By that point in time, I was so sick of him pulling cards every day for behavior issues, I was having him write sentence every day. He was informed of this punishment before it started, so he knew it was coming. The 1st time he pulled a card, he had to write 5 sentences in relation to the card he pulled (say he pulled a card for running in the halls, he had to write "I will not run in the halls." 5 times in his BEST handwriting.) The next time he pulled any cards, he had to write 10 sentences per card....then 15....then 20.... and so on. He got up to 40 sentence per card before he broke down crying and told me that he didnt' like writing them. I took that opportunity help him understand that HE had the control over wether or not he had to write, and if he didn't like writing the sentences, all he had to do was follow the school rules.

Now, I HATED doing that to him. I felt like an evil mom the whole time, but it worked. He went several weeks without pulling a card, and it is no longer a problem with us. As long as he shows his dad and I that he is trying, I won't make him write sentences. He's still sitting at 40 sentences, but that's because the threat of having to do so is good enough. If he pulls one or 2 cards a week, I don't make a big deal out of it, but I do remind him of what will happen if it becomes a problem again.

B. my heart goes out to you because we have the same situation in my home, except I am the stepmom to our 7 year old son and its the mother and stepfather with all of the fighting. My husband has tried talking with his ex and got the responses of "nothing is going on here" and "don't try to run my house". My son is very smart but is often distracted, emotional, and lately has become aggressive and has started lying. We have had him in counseling for 2 years which has helped a lot. But it is still a major issue when he goes to his mom's house (joint custody). My husband had him evaluated and there are no academic problems, but ADHD and an anxiety disorder. On top of everything, his mom will not put him on medicine or participate in the counseling. And he has only gotten worse. So,since both set of parents go to church me and his dad have decided that we have to teach him what the Bible says so he is not so confused about what we all agree to be "right living". We have decided to let him read it for himself,be an example and continue to pray. My advice to you is to get him into counseling and teach him to make good choices based on something that never changes, the Bible. And if your ex doesn't believe his son's new behavior then you might have to use a tape recorder so he can hear himself in his son! I just hope and pray your situation gets better.

His behaviors could be stimming from his fathers,or school playmates also. I had the same problem when my oldest son was little. I refused to let him go to his dads due to bad influences. I don't know if you have the option. If you do then you will have a rebleious son,I did,but he does not act like his dad now in the "bad" ways.

Kids will act out in times of stress. Especially if they cannot verbalize what is bothering them. Encourage him to talk about his feelings and maybe that help him stay out of trouble. If it continues, perhaps a little family therapy with a qualified therapist (LCSW) would be helpful. Maybe Dad will participate as well. Another thing that can cause disruptive behavior is not getting enough sleep. Does he have a consistent bedtime at both houses? Is he getting phsycial exercise daily? Kids his age need alot of sleep and consistent rules. Hope this helps. By the way, I'm glad he's doing so well academically.

Would your ex come into a parent teacher conference? Then he would hear it from the teacher and not you.

ask your son if he likes going to his dads if not go to judge and let your son tell him. also tell your ex that it is your business when it effects your child. and if he wants to see his son then the girlfriend should not be there when your son is. if they are going to fight all the time.

You do have your hands full. You need to get with the father if you have not all ready and tell him what is gone on with you and his boy. The young man is thinking that is alright to be that way because he looks up to his Dad. I feel he loves you both. But he need to know right from wrong. I hope you the best.

You have already received a lot of great advice and ideas for approaching these issues. I think Shanna's was great; kids need to learn at an early age that there are consequences for all behavior's - good and bad. Maybe his father has not yet lerned this. Maybe because his time with his father is limited his father does not realize the impact and influence he has on his son. It seems most boys want to act and be just like their fathers; most not realizing because they are too immature, that it is not always or necessarily a good thing. I also wonder if maybe for a while you have the school call his father instead of just you each time; that his father will get tired of it and realize that if he is not a part of the resolution than he is a part of the problem. Best of luck to you.

You should get the fathers visitation revoked and see if that changes the fathers attitude as well as your childs. It is your business what happens around your child and you do not have to put up with it.

You are right to be concerned. Children react to stress and fear in many ways. Follow your intuition....

Have you considered scheduling an appointment with child psychologist? Ask your school nurse or counselor for names if you don't know one.

Differing opinions between divorced parents is a complicated situation. It is not unusual for one parent to get defensive when the other asks questions. Although,it is not the job of a psychologist to mediate, they can be very helpful in these types of situations.

If dad refuses to work with you, you also establish a paper trail of records that show you have been trying to help your son...Kids don't need to be exposed to the fighting and cursing.They DO model mimic the adults around them!!! Keep good written records of what your "smart" child is telling you...all these records are a big help to your lawyer.....

I am a teacher and unfortunately we see many children who act out immediately following their weekend with dad. I agree with trying to schedule a meeting with teacher and counselor with dad involved. Unfortunately, he may not be ready to admit his relationship with his girlfriend could have a negative effect on his son. But at least the information will be coming from his teacher, counselor and principle which may make him more receptive than it coming from you.
We try to work with our parents and have consequences that correspond. With one student who loves trucks, the mother brought in a great sticker book full of cool trucks and construction machinery. Each day he stayed out of trouble we would give him his choice of sticker at the end of the day. I teach younger children, but you could use something of interest with him.

Hope this helps!

first of all your husband does need to be concernned because that is obviously where the behavior is coming from. If he won't step up to fix it, there are ways to make him. You should call a meeting with the school councelor/teacher/principal etc..and your husband. if he still wont cooperate document it. Document your son's behaviors, teacher comments etc...threaten to take him to court for full custody because he is harming your son's development.. if that house is effecting your sons behavior then he shouldn't go there anymore. fighting is harmful to children's development. He is going to learn that fighting is the only way to resolve problems with other kids, and that is scary. IDK if he is acting out to draw attention to the situation at his dad's house? he sounds smart, so this could be the case. maybe he just doesn't know how to process all of what he sees there. Like you said he is advanced in school, the challanging work they give him is good. Too much free time from his regular level work would give him room to act out instead of focusing his energy. But don't feel bad about taking measures to "take him form his dad" nobody will blame you in the long run for protecting your son from a harmful environment. good luck.

I am sorry to hear that, I know it must be hard to tell him something and not listen. I would maybe try some counseling to let him talk with someone other than you or his father. There maybe something that is bothering him and he is taking it out through anger. Talking helps alot. Let me know what happens. Pediatric nurse J.

Children act out their behavior because they do not have the communication skills at this age to say exactly what or why they are feeling a certain way. I would talk to your son for many reasons. See if you can get him to tell you about what he sees, ask if anybody has hurt him specifically in any way (verbal, physical, and sexual). You will feel better too just knowing. If your ex cannot abide by the rules, and the outcome is negative with your son, limit their time together. You are with him more, you have to suffer the reprocussions and that atmosphere certainly is not healthy for any child. Good luck!!

I would set up a positive rewards system for good behavior in school instead of punishment. If he has a good day-- then he gets a "reward" of some kind-- my kids are younger, so we have a treat jar of candy. Not sure what your son is into-- I would also get the teacher and school counselor involved-- if this behavior just started- he may need some help working out his feelings......

Lots of great ideas for you here already! Just curious - do you see a pattern as to when his behavior occurs? If problems increase in the days just after he comes from his father's house to yours, wondering if he's struggling with making the transition? Sometimes, it can take awhile. With a couple of my children, I learned to give the teacher a "heads up" on "back-from-dad's" days.

It's so difficult when our ex's are uncooperative and when there are things going on "over there" that we're worried about. But it's great that your son can talk to you, and that he knows he can count on you. I found as my children got older, they somehow learned to deal with the vast differences between households.

As someone else mentioned, all children in public schools (not sure if that includes your son) are entitled to special services or Individualized Education Plans - even if the "special" part is that he's so bright. I'm guessing there's a lot of good advice on this board about gifted children.
I hope the schools are providing him with "extras" so that he doesn't become bored.

Best of luck to you!