Son Thinks "I Hate You"

Every kid, at one time or another, has thought they hated their parents. Me included. It's a kid thing. He doesn't hate you at all.

That was only one day. Not every day.

Unless he says he is thinking this all day, every day, I don't think you need to worry. If he's saying he thinks this all the time, then maybe it's something to worry about.

Meanwhile, stop the cycle of arguing and getting mad. Find something meaningful to him -- video game time or whatever -- and don't let him have it until he has done what he needs to do. That way you have control, and there is no argument. It's amazing what they will do when they want something, that all the nagging and getting mad in the world will not accomplish otherwise.

Your son doesn't hate you.
I wouldn't be all torn up about this.
That would be like me getting in trouble at work for confessing that in my head I think *&^%#% &**)&$ )*(*^&#&*!!! a lot of the times.

He doesn't hate you.
Don't be sad and angry and withdrawn.
The wonderful thing about truly loving someone is that it's okay not to like them all the time.
Hate is a word. I doubt he truly means it by the definition you are thinking of.

Just my opinion.

Trust me, he doesn't hate you- I think what happened is the words popped in his head because he was mad- It bothered him that he thought that and then it became an OCD thought. He was probably worried about it, and it kept the OCD thought going, if that makes sense. Anxiety about a thought makes the obsession with it worse.

Anyway, just reassure him that sometimes people get thoughts stuck in their heads that they don't really mean- not to worry about it- just try to move on and think about something else.

Blessings....

Consider the thought "less is more"? Your only child sounds like he's been spoiled with many material things and does not yet appreciate the "best" things in life.

The next time he says "I hate you" or expresses this thought, just say, that's very sad and it hurts me, but dad and I love you and we always will. However, the bad behavior will not be tolerated and he should be "grounded and punished". Start taking away "things and priviledges". Take away just about everything except food and love and see how he reacts a few weeks from now. Nip it in the bud before he's anywhere near 16....You have lots of time mom...you can do it.

Blessings....

You can never really appreciate how sweet honey is until you've sucked a lemon. It sounds like all your son has ever had was the honey side of life. Let him suck a lemon every now and then and he will appreciate all you do for him.

Be prepared for the bad things he might say. At 16, one of my sons yelled and screamed at me, "I hate you ! ! !". I was ready for him. In a very calm and quiet voice I said, " Son, I'm sorry you feel that way. I'm your dad and I will always love you and be there for you." He stormed off mad, but he heard me and knew I was sincere. He still didn't get to do what he wanted.

I hope he has siblings. That will make it easier on you to correct this situation.

Good luck to you and yours.

Different perspective . . . if he has OCD he may have PANDAS (research it). PANDAS can make kids mean and angry due to the part of the brain it affects sometimes.

I think it is actually a good sign that he felt secure enough to tell you how he felt. That means he DOES he feel all your love for him!

Don't take it personally - you are his angel and deep inside he knows it. Keep loving him and searching for answers. Of course he should develop impulse control and how to keep his tongue in check - it will probably come with time and healing.

Good luck. God bless you both.

PS: I'm not a health care professional of any type - this is just my "mom"opinion.

Honestly, I don't think he really "hates you ". He doesn't understand the word hate. He is trying to label his feelings and that is the most extreme word he can find that would suffice. I would encourage you to try and work on "feelings" with him. Start using "I" statements and see if he will too. It will improve your relationship so much! Ex. I feel so sad when you don't want to give me a hug. Or I feel angry when I ask you to help me with the dishes and you won't. What I would like is ___________. What can we do to work together to make ____________happen?

Don't let him get to you! GL!

M

when my kids said "I HATE YOU" ... I would say one of two things to them in response (depending on what kind of day we'd had up to that point) I'd say either "Good, that means I'm doing my job as a parent" or "Yeah well I'm not a big fan of yours at the moment either". Always said very calmly, and left at that. I'd move on to whatever else and let them get over their mad.

Clearly he doesn't actually hate you ... he hated that he didn't get his own way. They never said they hated me when they were having ice cream or their favorite meal for dinner or when they were allowed to stay up past bedtime. Only when they didn't get their way and/or had to do something they didn't want and/or had gotten something taken away LOL

Kids are going to say stuff like that ... it doesn't mean they actually MEAN it.

Are you guys in doing any kind of treatment (therapy and/or meds) for the OCD? If not it might be something to look into for some strategies.

In my opinion, all kids whether ODD or not say I hate you at least once and think it more often then we'd like to admit. Trying not to take these words personally is so hard, those words hurt. How many times have we been angry and said something in the heat of an argument to someone we love that we later feel embarrassed about and know we didn't even mean at all? I'm sure you're son was in a moment of not getting what he wanted or for whatever reason angry and was thinking this not because he meant or believed it. Take care of yourself and take some time looking into Love and Logic. You can borrow cd's from the library and they are entertaining to listen to. It will make you smile, and you'll learn how to deal with situations so these moments don't happen as much or hopefully not at all..
Good Luck!

That is a hard pill to swallow. As many have said, obviously he does not hate you, he told you how he was feeling and that means that he does not hate you. Be happy that he shared his negative feelings, even though they were about you at the time. Tell him that you are happy he talked to you about it and let you know how he felt. Reassure him that you are sorry he feels that way, and that you love him no matter how he feels. Most important, don't treat him any different because of how he feels. If you do, this will make him not want to share his feelings with you anymore. Coming to this board is the right place to express your feelings without it affecting your relationship with your son, where you will get unbiased (for the most part) responses.

When you ask him to do things, how do you ask? Is it while he is in the middle of something and you demand he do it now? A lot of parents get into that way of kind of "ordering" their kids around and wanting them to react on demand. In reality, that is not how people work. Think about how you would react if you were in the middle of doing your favorite thing and someone asked you to go do something you didn't really want to do. You probably wouldn't jump up and do it right away. With my daughter (who is almost 9), I give her a time limit, I tell her "In 5 (or 10 or however long) minutes it is time to stop doing that and do this." So when it is time to do what I want her to do, it isn't such a big fight to get her to stop doing what she wanted to do. This has helped amazingly, not only at home, but also at school and daycare. If, after I have given her a time limit, and she still does not want to do what I asked her to do, I give her a choice. Does she want to not be allowed to do that favorite thing she was doing for the rest of the day or week, or does she want to do what I asked and then get to do her favorite thing again later. She usually makes the right decision and chooses to do what I asked so she can do what she wanted to do again later.It doesn't always work, but most of the time it does and we don't have to argue about getting something done.

Brains are interesting organs, they are a hard to control. If I say to you "Whatever you do, don't think of an elephant", then the first thing that probably happened is an elephant popped into your head. Your son probably had an evil thought about you when you were arguing and he knew it wasn't a good thought so he tried to surpress it. That just made it come back more. I would tell him what Mr. Rogers said many times: "Scary bad feeling don't make things come true." Once you tell your son that his thoughts are just that, thoughts, then he can let them go and stop feeling guilty about thinking them.

People are always suggesting the book "How to talk so your kid will listen and how to listen so your kid will talk" on this forum. I was at B&N yesterday and read part of the book. In the short time I did I picked up several great ideas on dealing with my kids and realized some places where I was doing it wrong. I would highly suggest getting this book for some insight and help.

My older son has never said the word hate in his life-he is just not built like that. My younger son 'hates' me a couple times a week. I wouldn't put too much stock in it. I think kids don't realize what hate really means as much as we do.

Just reassure him that you love him no matter what and that you understand he's upset. I sometimes used to feel like that towards my parents as a kid and I had the most wonderful parents. Maybe it was hormones, having it too easy or just part of growing up but I got over it. But he doesn't hate you. As kids, we sometimes don't know how to appreciate what we have or express what we feel. It helps when our parents put those feelings and thoughts into perspective or help us find the right words without belittling us.
You're son is lucky to have a mom who cares enough to look for ways to understand and help him. ((()))

Yes, this is normal...we have been struggling with our 10 year old. In addition to having some social issues at school, it makes everything else at home a struggle. We are reading the book, Parenting with Love and Logic and totally changing our way of "asking him to do things". Things are so much better. It does not address OCD though.

Consider the thought "less is more"? Your only child sounds like he's been spoiled with many material things and does not yet appreciate the "best" things in life.

The next time he says "I hate you" or expresses this thought, just say, that's very sad and it hurts me, but dad and I love you and we always will. However, the bad behavior will not be tolerated and he should be "grounded and punished". Start taking away "things and priviledges". Take away just about everything except food and love and see how he reacts a few weeks from now. Nip it in the bud before he's anywhere near 16....You have lots of time mom...you can do it.

Blessings....