Son Pulling Away

"I always love you. I don't always love some of your choices" is something I had to tell my son a lot for awhile. You don't go out of your way to hurt his feelings, so I'm not seeing why he's doing it to you. What he's doing is cruel no matter how old he is, and it's not a 'boys will be boys' thing. Ask him why he thinks it's ok to treat you like this. Tell him it's not the way we do things in your family and you will take away privileges (tv, games, etc) when he plays games like this. Tell him to be a kind descent human being, you don't act this way, and then do not stand for it.

I hope you don't mind an additional response. I just felt for your situation - I think I can relate. My therapist friend let me know that often when kids are growing up/pulling away, they become afraid themselves of becoming more separate from their parent(s)and can become more clingy or more argumentative in order to assure themselves of your attention. Hope that makes sense. His behavior is actually indicating that he needs you more not less - that he is a little nervous about growing up and becoming more independent. Anyway, sounds like you are a very caring person and mom, it will all work out. Best wishes to you.

H. I hear you loud and clear. What you are experiencing is sad yet it happens to many moms.

Sure there can be mixed feelings about the new family, sure he can be having some stress or anxiety around it, but most of all, he needs to be loved. A couple of things you can try:

1. When he says "I had my fingers crossed" look at him and say something like "that's okay, I had all my fingers AND toes crossed so I undid your cross" Turn it into a game of how much you love him an no matter what he does your love is strong enough to overcome his actions.

2. Hide special notes in his room, under his pillow, in his socks, places that only he will find them when he is alone. Let him know that no matter what you are here for him, loving him always.

3. Plan a special time for just you and him. It can be as simple as "your own special snack" and when you make it he knows he will be getting 15 mins or so of just your time.

H., there are many things you can do (but not just for him, all kids need special attention). You are right when you said you are the mom and you need to model and stick with it.

He is 8, the good news (and bad news) is he will grow up. And it will all be perfect.

My FAV book on the subject, Love You Forever by Robert Munsch. Maybe that could be your first "surprise gift" under his pillow.

B.
Family Success Coach

Just know that even when he becomes a grown man of 50, when he gets hurt, when things go wrong in his life, he is still going to want his Mommy from deep in his soul. He does love you, even if he is trying to play a childish game with your heart. You have to be the best person you can possibly be in this situation, and that means not retaliating in any way toward your son. Your love for him has to be too good to take offense or react to his immaturity.

Hi H.,

It sounds like he knows he's jerking your chain...what a power trip for him. Treat it as such. He would miss you terribly if you were not there...but so many kids in our culture do not want to admit vulnerability/need to ANYONE...certainly not peers, but not even family or to themselves. It is a sad commentary about our cultural obsession with toughness and independence...and the alienation that we often experience.
PS: I very much like a book called Hold Onto Your Kids: Why Parents Should Matter More Than Peers...by Gordon Nuefeld. Yes, kids need to gain confidence and independence..but they do not actually have to pull away in the sense we have been taught to expect as "normal".

Wow H.! You have a lot on your plate.

I'm wondering if your son's behavior is a response to the reality that he has to share you with so many other people.

I'm suggesting (if you don't do it already), that you MAKE SURE you spend alone time with you and your son. Just the two of you only. He needs to know that he is still a priority and important to you. That although you love your partner, your partner's child, the two foster kids and the adopted child + the special ed kids (whew!) that YOUR SON still has HIS PLACE in YOUR HEART.

This may seem like an obvious thing, but sometimes kids feel like they have been pushed aside and are not loved the same.

I'm a single mother to a 14 year old daugther. I have already told her that she is my #1. It doesn't matter if I marry and have a step-child or if I marry and have a bio child with my husband. My daughter will always be my special baby and no one will take her place. My hypothetical step-child and new bio child will be loved unconditionally and be a priority, but my daughter should never feel as if, nor will I make her feel as if she has been moved aside.

I haven't read the other responses yet, so forgive me if I'm repeating something you've already read/heard.

All four of my brothers were the same way with our mother (who was also a single mother), so I wouldn't stress about it too much. As they got older, and especially after having children of their own, they did become more open once again to showing their love and affection for her, to her, but while they were still living with her and growing up, they seemed to have the need to exert their independence and manhood, if you will.

Hi H., he's only eight, don't take to much stock in what he's says right now. As moms we are so touched by everything they say and do, but we have to make sure were not taking things to personally, and make are kids know were always there. Conversations with anyone rarely go well when were tired. Sounds to me you are doing the right things, he's just eight, and it could be that something happened at school or with a friend and he's just not sure how to talk about it, and it could be nothing big, 8 year olds see things bigger than what they are sometimes. Just be there and things should be OK. J.

do u hug it out? my son is only 4 but we hug things out when we argue...sometimes when he's mad he tells me he doesn't love me anymore and i say "lets hug" and then he apologizes..and says he's happy now. Little boys can be mean when they love something or someone..why don't u just say..."hey lets be friends lets love each other i don't like to argue with you" just call him out..ask why he wants to talk to you like that and talk to him about it...and hug him and say "whatever it is you're going through i'm here for you" maybe he feels like he's not your only one anymore..could be a little jealous of you being in a relationship..you should tell him he's always your #1...he might be feeling insignificant or just a little less important to you than before...so he could be rebelling..i would just reassure him and hug him a lot...the hugs work..if my son is having a spaz or anything i can end it with hugs. good luck!

H.,

It sounds to me that your son is hurt and is trying to hurt you back in an effort to deal with his pain. It was just the two of you and he had your undivided attention. Now, you not only have a partner, but 4 other kids. That's a total game changer for him.

Your son may not admit that he's hurt or even understand, so he may not be able to talk about it. Maybe you can plan some dates with just him.

You're a good mom and you obviously care a lot. Good luck.

M.

He is just want to be center of attention relax if your respondes is to negative your responce has to always be positive show him how much no matter what he dose he will con around i raised 4 children and noe have7 grandchildren ad no hills

I seriously doubt he is pulling away if he is pushing your buttons, it is probably just the opposite. He used to have you all to himself and now he has to share you with 5 other people! That is a BIG shift. A therapist might be best able to help you and him navigate through this time. Sometimes you can get them free through school. Other than that, more time alone together is probably a good course of action.

Try going to www.amazon.com and do a search on "raising boys."
There are many good books and you can read the reviews there too.

He seems to be testing you, and testing boundaries, and perhaps seeing where he all fits in to everything else and amongst the other children and everything going on around him. Maybe he feels lost in the shuffle. And yes, he's only 8 years old. They are still feeling their way around everything in the world. You are his Mom... the closest thing to him. Always remember that.... not alienating each other.

But there is right and wrong. Which we as parents, have to teach our kids. It can take time... and repetition, and consistency.. throughout their childhood. WE are guiding them.

One thing that can help, is having a weekly "meeting" with JUST ONLY him... and just talk story, 'allow' him to express himself, see what his life is, his concerns, his problems, his interests, his wishes & hopes... his thoughts about you. But don't take it personally. AND it can be a time to really "connect" with him.
I do that with my girl... and she REALLY likes it. She really bonds with me that way and feels "closer" to me. Then as a "family"... we all try to make a regular habit of "meeting" ALL together, just to talk about what is going on, and what is important or pressing, what is expected or needed, how THEY can help, or just to talk about things- openly, without lecturing or judgment. Kids really benefit by that, and by seeing that, and "how" their Parent(s) evaluate things by talking it out. It teaches kids right/wrong, how to problem solve, how to express themselves and how to be a PART of the family and that they count.
Making it a regular part of family life.

Do you tell him that it 'hurts' when he plays that game of "i love you but was crossing my fingers?" You need to tell him... and make sure he KNOWS that YOU are his Mom and you need to watch each other's back... that he is growing up, and he's your son... and there are certain things that are just mean and hurtful. As he grows up... he has to learn the proper ways of "loving" but that it is okay to talk to you about it all.
Allow him to talk openly... because as he grows up, you do NOT want him to not tell you things... and for him to know that YOU are the one he can come to for ANYTHING under the sun... that you are BOTH a TEAM.

Just some quick ideas...
all the best,
Susan

H.,

Check out this blog: http://RivieraPlaySchool.blogspot.com
The newest post is about emotional intelligence, and I think you will love it.

XO
Linda
www.RivieraPlaySchool.com