Son Hitting and Pulling Hair

A 21month baby time out. He is not on that level that's a joke to him he know and will learn by example. Love see how that feel when you do that to mommy. Train up a child in the way he should go he doesn't come here knowing. start teaching respect now. Or later forget it. Now is the time.

It may take a while, but keep being persistent and consistent. Continue giving him the time-outs. When he hits or pulls hair get a hold of his hands, hold them in your hands and say "Ouch that hurts! We do not hit" Then put him in the time-out. With my son, we had to make the time-outs longer, we've done 20 or 30 minute time-outs when necessary. These were more effective because it would then be a few weeks before he would hit again. We had to outlaw the kids wrestling at our house because that is often when an offense would occur.

My son was very physical and hit/pulled hair/thew things when he was little. I know he wasn't trying to hurt anybody, he just didn't realize what he was doing was wrong and caused pain. I stopped him from hitting by taking his hand and gently moving it on my face while saying "Be gentle" and it worked. I know this is going to sound a little crazy but after months of him pulling me and my daughter's hair, I started pulling on his back! Right after he did it, I let him know I was very serious and I said "it hurts" and I pulled his hair. I didn't pull hard, just enough for him to know it doesn't feel good. Then I told him "stop pulling hair." It didn't take long before he stopped completely. I realize it sounds so mean but sometimes words aren't enough to make small children understand things.

He's wanting your attention and he'll get it any way he can even if it is bad attention. Every time he does it have the person he does it to firmly say NO, put him down and walk away from him. He'll quickly figure out it doesn't work. Be sure to give him lots of attention when he does something right.

When he hits or pulls your hair, take hold of both of his hands, look him straight in the eyes and VERY firmly say "No". I assume he is doing this while you hold him so also put him down. Eventually he will learn that if he wants mommy or others to hold him he cannot pull hair or hit. Have the others he does this to do the same thing.

When my daughter started doing the same thing, usually to me, I tried all the things you've done. What I found that finally worked was a very elaborate show of how unhappy it made me. When she hit me or pulled my hair I would act like I was crying, just like she cries when she is hurt. I would wail and sob and say "oww," "that hurt mama," and "mama is sad!" When she became distressed, sometimes crying herself, I would help her to see how to make me feel better. I would have her give me hugs and kisses like I do when she is hurt. After a couple of weeks, the problem disappeared completely. I have to warn you though, that my husband had to leave the room and once I think even left the house, because it is very comical and you have to really commit to the act and do it whole heartedly.

Even if this isn't something that works for you, you should know that you are not alone. In time, he'll figure out that it's not okay and stop doing it.

Hi A., my son did the same thing at that age. I tried everything. But the only thing that worked is this (i belieive I read it in the book "Children the Challenge" by a psychologist): When your son starts to hit you (and I suppose you could do it with the hair pulling as well), say to him with a smile on your face and a happy voice, "Oh! You want to play the hitting game!!" And then kind of slap him hard enough to where it hurts and not on his face of course, but maybe on the arm. At first he'll kind of look at you either mad or surprised. If he continues to hit you, say it again and slap his arm a little harder. Eventually he'll decide he does NOT want to play the "hitting game," that it's not that much fun. I did this maybe 2-3 different times to my son when he started hitting me and then he stopped completely. The difference between this and hitting your son back in anger to "teach him a lesson" is that you have a smile on your face and say that it's a game. Again, he WILL decide he does not like the game. Try it with pulling his hair too. I know it sounds strange, but it worked for me and for my sister and her child as well. But be sure to say it in a cheerful voice. Otherwise, he'll just get mad and continue to hit. Let me know if it works!

Since my kids would have to be in very close proximity to me to hit and pull my hair, I found that putting them down away from me and holding their arms to their sides firmly usually got the message across. I would also tell them that "we don't ..." When all three of my children went through the hair pulling and hitting phase I found this to be very effective.

My daughter does this as well, I think it is largely directed at moms because we tend to be at home as the disciplinarian and are generally the one saying no or who are otherwise frustrating them. Some of the hair pulling I know was accidental, and it has helped to talk with her and show her nice, gentle touches. We will practice when we are having some quiet time sitting on the couch together, and it seems to help to remind her to be gentle when she does it out of anger.

Also, it hasn't totally resolved the problem but has vastly improved it...if she persists after I've told her no, I will put her down, whatever we're doing, tell her that's a no, it hurts mommy and it's not nice and that we only use nice touches, and WALK AWAY. Not quite the same as a time out, but truly they do want our attention, and I think it makes an impact to say with your actions that I'm not going to be here with you if you're going to (hit/bite/scratch, etc.) because that hurts.

Also, you might consider whether you can identify particular issues/that trigger that behavior. Although it could just be that he's tired, often times it has to do with being frustrated because they can't communicate a want/need. If you can identify the trigger, you may be able to teach him a few signs that will assist him in communicating. Consistency is also important, make sure other people who are around aren't giving in to him when he uses that behavior (i.e. if he does it because you tell him it's time to put away toys and take a nap, his behavior shouldn't be encouraged by you or others by permitting him to continue to play longer after hitting and scratching).

I'm also interested to hear what other mom's have found to be helpful!

To Aimiee,
From: A. Roberts, Tarkio, MO
A. Robertts, a special instructor/special education with three grown children and 5 grandchildren. WOW! You do have your hands full. Long long has your son been pulling hair and has he been pulling on other things possibly to get your attention somehow. Ignoring is not a good idea, probbaly the inapporpriate behavior won't go away any time soon. You could try sitting down with himand telling him that that it is bad to pull hair, and it hurts the person. A minute or two talk time would help, then give him a positive activity, play or story time that both can be involved with at the same time. Also, watch him closely for a week or so to see wihat might bring on this kind of behavior. What is going on with the child and the other person? Think about any new events in his or the family's life lately? Are these avents good or bad? I'll also pray for you.
A. Roberts

Well, my 3 year old was going through this just about 2 weeks ago. It got so bad and my husband and I were at our wits end. Then it dawned on me. My son was trying to get our attention. So everytime he hit one of us, we scooped him up and put him in time out. He would sit there for 3 minutes. It was terrible. For 3 days he spent most of his time in time out. But I am happy to say that we have now gone without him hitting, throwing toys, or having tantrums for about a week now. Hope this helps. Put your son in time out for 1 minute for every year that he is. Good luck to you. Stay strong and it will take a few days, but should get better after that.

Ah...the terrible two's. I strongly advise you to purchase the book "1, 2, 3 Magic". You and your husband need to read and firmly implement the program. BUT the KEY is being CONSISTANT. When he does it for the first time, say "You're on 1...please don't hit grandpa" in a loving but stern voice. When he does it again, say, "You're on 2...we don't hit". Don't let very much time go by...only a few seconds if he won't stop doing it (and he won't in the beginning). When he does it again, say "That's 3, I said we don't hit". Take his hand and walk him to his room. Don't talk to him, or try to reason. Put him in his room for at least 2 or 3 mintues. If he's still screaming, give him more time. But don't (or try not to) scream and yell that he needs to calm down, etc. If he's still crying, tell him that he can come out when he's done crying. If he starts to hit the walls and throw things...just let him, unless it's something that's really dangerous to him. When his time is up, don't discuss the situation further, just say it's time to clean up his mess. He's so young yet, he won't be able to do it by himself. But you can "help" him. This will be beneficial in the long run because he will eventually be able to pick up after himself. In fact, he probably won't throw things when he figures out that he has to pick up the mess. It's hard in the beginning to have him follow through, especially since he's so young. It will take a few months...but consitency is KEY. But he is NOT to young to start discipline. If he's old enough to start doing naughty things...he's old enough for discipline. He will eventualy just need to say "One" and maybe get to "Two". He will learn...be the parent in charge. Don't let him be in charge of you! Kids need boundaries! Good luck!! By the way...I have 3 children and it works. The time out's are a great way for you to calm down, as well.

I would swat my child's hand, and firmly say "no hitting (or pulling or whatever they were doing) when they did this to me. They stopped after two or three times of having their hands swatted. IF you don't nip this in the bud now, they will get bigger & stronger, and eventually you won't be able to stop them, and it WILL really hurt. Sorry to sound harsh, but children usually do this to test their boundaries. I also believe that each person whom your child is doing this to should be the disciplinarian. They need to learn that there are consequences for their actions, and Mom shouldn't have to be the one to teach them this each & every time. It's not fair to make YOU the bad guy all the time. Children thrive when they know what their boundaries are, and each child is different. Some are very strong-willed and a time out isn't enough, but there are others who just saying "no" to will make them cry and do the right thing. See what works best for your child. If changes aren't happening in two to three days, try another strategy, whatever you do, though, you just can not reason with a toddler, they don't have reasoning skills yet. That will come later, like around school age.
good luck!
S.

You may want to try "extinction", a behavior modification technique you have probably already heard of. Usually used with older children, your son may be advanced enough to respond to it. When he exhibits the behavior you don't like, say "NO, I don't like that!" sharply and turn your back to him for one minute. (No cheating...tears are not a good reason to turn around and confuse him with hugs and soft words.) He may be enjoying the attention he gets from pulling hair and hitting. In little ones, they don't always differentiate between good attention and bad attention--it's ALL attention to them. Reward appropriate behavior with hugs and kisses and "I like that!" He will most likely learn quickly to turn to the behavior that gives the positive response.