Something NO One Talks about......married to the Wrong One....

Trust me, when you are 60 you will be glad you stayed with the same man. Growing old with someone that you have been with for a long time is a very comfortable place to be. Can you imagine trying to start over again? I can't.

What makes you think he is wrong for you? Is he committed to the marriage? Does he work hard? Does he help with the children? Marriage is hard work and most of us find someone compatible to us to make it easier to commit to the union (helping with children, listening, communicating, etc) Being in love and loving that person just happens to be the icing on the cake! Do you not have any of that?

It might depend on why someone thinks their spouse is "the wrong O.." Is there someone else stuck in your mind? Is marriage getting boring? Is he mean, nasty, violent?

Does the grass seem greener because in most cases, it's not. For example:
I was fortunate enough to be able to re-date a man that I thought for years was the O. I "let get away." He was the measuring stick against all others that I dated. We dated again (briefly) and guess what? Not....so....great. Case closed. I was now free to move on and stop judging everyone by those ridiculous (false) high standards.

I think everyone has days that they look at their husband think "What the hell was I thinking?" LOL But look at what you DO have and appreciate it.
It's my belief that too many people "cut and run" at the first sign of a bumpy road, the first time the kiss happens without the butterflies.

Even on this site, it's SO obvious that people do not give their marriages and spouses a chance! you read "Our baby is 3 mos old and we've been married for 15 months and I'm ready to leave!" What? That's crazy! I'm not saying that's your case at all, I'm just saying lots of people want hearts and flowers forever when sometimes you get meatloaf and strep throat.

If you think it might help, please try some counseling. For you alone or for marriage counseling. A lot of time depression can cause these types of thoughts.

Wishing you the best!

I used to think about this all the time. Think about what exactly makes you feel like that. Do you feel trapped? Are you just frustrated with things he does? Do you just not love him anymore?

When I started to feel like that I made myself try to understand WHY i felt that way. I honestly wanted to cheat, I felt like I couldn't get out of my marriage. I thought I didn't love my husband anymore. Everything he did made me so mad. After a while I realized it was more me. Maybe not the case with you. I was always stressed, I felt overwhelmed with the kids, felt underappreciated, like I did everything, and to top it off there was no communication! We went to couples therapy & really talked out our feelings. I realized that because of how I felt, I had been neglecting him which made him neglect me.

If nothing else, he eventually needs to hear how you feel. Talk about it with him he might want to work on it. If nothing helps go on a vacation away from him and see how you feel alone. Sometimes things just dont work out the "perfect" way. Just remember theres nothing wrong with feeling this way & if your marriage doesnt work out you didn't fail.

J.B.
I am taking a leap to publish this publically, but everyone's situation is different. I don't know if there is a right one or a wrong one. I married my husband because it was my father's dying wish to walk his daughter down the aisle. Wrapped in the moment of my father's happiness, I got together with my first love, whom I felt passionately about, to see if we could make it work between us. Well, he told me that he had recently found someone and would be getting married. So, the man that was in my life at that time said that he would be thrilled to marry me. I really like my husband as a person, but it was never the feeling of "being in love". Needless to say, we were married. I often have doubts about whether I did the right thing, but we do get along very well and I love our son like no tomorrow. In the end, I came to this point in my life through my own decisions and I choose to stay here by my own decision. I think that you need to empower yourself to "make it right in your mind." Look at your decisions that brought you there and those that keep you there. You have control of your life. I think sometimes we lull ourselves into this sense that we are powerless victims. I live with thoughts of what if, but I also know that if I really wanted to, I could change my life. Maybe some day I will, I can't live in the past or for the future, just in the now. I take each day as it comes and every morning when I wake up and just before I go to bed, I name three things that make me gratful for my life. There is no magic fix, you just need to find your own piece of happiness, whatever that might be.
C.

i think once marriage becomes 'the norm' nothing exciting, the day to day living, we tend to look back and idealize something from the past, which most likely would have turned into 'nothing exciting' if given the time and years passed.
i would not suggest divorce. you didn't say marriage is bad, you want out, you just said you think you married the wrong guy. ask yourself, why? why is he wrong for you? make a list. then ask what makes him right for you? write the list. compare the answers, and then decide what's most important to you.
if you want to stick to the marriage, you need to change things., based on the list, see who needs to make changes. talk to your husband about your feelings. talk about what's missing in your life. communication is the key.
i don't think i married the wrong guy. i married someone who i would have never thought would be the right guy for me. he turned out to be. nothing over the top, he's not romantic, he's just down to earth, and when we started being faced with a lot of difficulties in our life, he is the only one i can think of who would have given me the emotional support i didn't even know i needed.
his 'bad list' is just as long: crazy mother, selfishness, all about me attitude etc, but they are overshadowed by the 'good' he brings into our marriage and life. i think i have had to decide what's important.

Wow, I am so glad you asked this question! I have no advice, but can completely sympathize and will be watching for what others say, as I feel the same way & really don't know what to do/think either. What do you do if you truly feel in your heart that you made the wrong decision for whatever reason, and now it's many years later, esp. with a child(ren) involved. Are you just "stuck" because you made that choice? I'm especially interested in the religious aspect also, as someone can try and pray as hard as they might, but sometimes it seems impossible to control your thoughts. Looking back things can seem so clear...in my situation, I feel like there were clear signs this was the wrong person, but I ignored them. Now, with feeling divorce is a last option, can you "make" things work, and have a happy marriage, if you're pretty much convinced this was not the person you were supposed to marry? so confusing!!

I am right there with ya, my dear. I have talked to counselors and I know for my kids it would be best to stay together until they are old enough to be on their own. I have more control over my situation that way. But your situation might not be like mine. My parents stayed together for us and $$$ and I was more upset my Mom was so unhappy then by the split. I firmly that it is best for kids to see the most functional relationship possible so they learn what normal is, and being unhappy and stuck is not a good role model.

I AM NOT TELLING YOU TO SPLIT!! I am telling you to seek someone to talk to and only you know what is best in your situation. I am just saying a happy Mommy makes for a happy house. That is all.

Good luck and you are not alone!!

Pray. As in ask God questions, not just ask for things to go a certain way.

Wow this thread came at such a strange time. My "one that got away" just recently contacted me and though I love my husband more every day I sometimes find myself wondering what if. (Usually when he did something to tick me off haha) We build up situations in our minds when we are unhappy, you know the grass is always greener kind of thing. I wonder if my life would be different if I had stayed with him and then I remember why we broke up and realize that I would definitely NOT be better off. (He refused to grow up and still lives at home) I can't help you with the religious aspect as I am not but I can tell you from being the child that was stuck in a family that stayed together for the kids it sucks. We knew our parents were unhappy, we knew dad was cheating, and we knew our mom was stuck because she was a SAHM with no other options. She was angry about it and took it out on us, he was unhappy and took it out on us and we always just wondered why they stayed together. If you really think the marriage isn't right and divorce isn't an option I would suggest finding a counselor to talk to so you can make sure you aren't taking it out on your kids. You may just find that you are bored and building up Mr. Right into something he never was. Good luck.

It sounds like it is time for some therapy. First alone so you can explore these feelings, and than as a couple so you can learn to connect better with the man in your life. Dedicate yourself to the process for a period of time, and than reevaluate how you feel. I had one foot out the door when I agreed to give it 6 months of therapy before I left. I could no longer picture a future with him in it, and I though the therapy would be a waste of time, but here I am 2 years later, happy and back in love with my man.

I don't know the answer. I got divorced more than 30 years ago because I thought he wasn't the guy and will always wonder if it was the right thing to do or not. At the time, I told myself all the stuff about kids need to witness a healthy relationship, not an unhealthy one and kids need us to take care of ourselves, they will know if we are unhappy. But it was very difficult to raise my daughter by myself, it was hard on her, there was no guy on a white horse that rode in to love me and treat her like his own. It was lonely and I always regret not having "normal" family vacations, holidays etc to look back on. Now I think the truth is that I wasn't ready to be married and I wasn't ready to have kids but had I waited till I matured a little more maybe I would have been more accepting of his idiosyncrasies that just seemed to overwhelm me at the time and would have stayed married. You have 3 kids so you're probably older than I was when I got divorced, but I would tell you give it every chance you can, go to counseling, communicate with him, make sure you don't end up with regrets. Ultimately, I remarried. Husband #2 has his idiosyncrasies, too, but I think I'm just more tolerant now. We've been together for 20 years and I do deeply appreciate the longevity and history of the relationship. There's something to be said for being with one person for a long time. Even though it's not butterflys and excitement, it's very peaceful and comforting.

By the wrong one, does that mean that you are pining for someone else, or just that you aren't happy where you are? I would suggest getting a counselor that you can talk this out with and they may be able to give you some suggestions if you want to try to work out your feelings and stay in the marriage. Having children is no reason to stay in a loveless, unhappy marriage. You are your children's model, and that is not something that you want to teach them. You either need to work on it so that they can see a happy relationship, or you need to end it so that they can see two happy single parents.

My parents stayed together because my dad wouldn't be alone, and my mom was Catholic. Once my dad found someone else, he did then leave. It was the best thing he did for her. I think that religion stood in my mom's way and if she was true to herself, she would have divorced him when I was 6, not 20.

In my opinion, you don't.
I think that when you realize he is not the one, or not anymore, the best thing to do is walk away. When you have kids is important to realize that they need both a mother and a father in a healthy environment, not necessarily together. Living with someone you don't want to be with can only bring frustration and resentment towards each other, and it may not be necessary. Of course you won't just leave a relationship of many years without trying to work it out, but if you have realized that there's nothing to work out... Well, then...
If this is something that has been bothering you or someone you know for quite a while, I would advice you seek counseling, for you, work this feeling out and then seek counseling for your partner too.
I'm sorry you're in such a difficult situation.
Good Luck!!

Men and women go through mid life crisis. It sounds like you are in yours.

You can decide to stay or go, but you were in love. You can decide to be in love again. "Good men are hard to find, but not hard to keep." Of the people that I know that felt your way and left the marriage, 8 of the nine wished they had stayed with their spouse.

I'd advise you to stay and be happy. As time goes on you will be glad you did.

Good luck to you and yours.

Don't have time to read all the posts, but from the stand point of someone whose parents didn't stay together, I did not have a good upbringing. We had to go between two homes and like most men, my dad remarried. His wife did not want us around and we had to sit ;politely and not speak when we were in "her" home. My mom did not handle being a single parent very well at all. She was always tired, had to work two jobs or work and go to school. We always got the worst of her when we were with her. So she had no patience and it was very difficult. My dad tried to "buy" our love out of guilt and that made my mom even more furious. He was the "fun" parent and she had to be the one to discipline us. Finances were difficult as my dad had a hard time keeping a job after the divorce.

(If you have found "someone else" that you find yourself thinking about, replace those feelings with thoughts of what positive things your husband has brought to the marriage and/or family. The grass is only greener on the other side because they water more. Just start "watering" your marriage.)

If your husband is not abusive or a psychopath, read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. It is amazing how much power you have as the wife to change your marriage completely. Your husband will respond to someone who respects him and wants to take care of him. You can become the woman that would make your husband's friends envious. It will make it so much more fun for you. And in time, you will likely develop the feelings you once had for your husband, especially as you see the best brought out of him. Actions over time will drive the feelings. And then it will become easier. It is completely worth it to your kids. Then your kids will get to see what a healthy, happy marriage looks like. That security will help them psychologically as they grow up.

It's difficult for me to answer, because although my hubby is not perfect, and we've had our share of ups and downs, I know in my heart and soul he's the right one.

I do, however, have a friend who married the wrong one for her. He's a good guy and a great father, but he's not the one for her. They bicker and fight all the time, do not have the same goals, do not like doing the same activities, have completely different ideas on what to do and where to for family vacations, and frequently differ on how to raise their kids. But she does stay with him and tries to focus on all the positive things in her life and spends most of the time focusing on her career and the kids.

Even though you know in your soul this is the wrong person, it sounds like you've made the decision to stick with it. Focus on all the positive things in your relationship, think about your children, count your blessings. You may want to consider some counceling to help you deal with these feelings.

I would recommend reading the book The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian.

http://www.stormieomartian.com/

I agree, counseling first to fix the hole in your happy. Then work on the relationship. There was something once in that man that made you think he was the one...together you could both find him again. With anything in a marriage, it takes two. Both of you need to work this out...have you told him how you feel? Maybe he feels the same and that is a starting point. There was a spark once, after three kids it tends to smoke and sputter. You have to fix your own happy first. Good luck.