Some Advice - Grand Prairie,TX

Hi E.,

I didn't read all the responses you received before posting, but Cathleen B and Veronica W gave incredible advice! I would have posted something along the lines of what they said already... so no need to post it again. =) Best wishes.

Hi E., I suggest giving him every opportunity he needs to earn money. I do this for my own 2 kids, I don't give them money for games, movies, outings, etc. They are given extra chores anytime to earn extra cash. They each do 3 chores daily with no choice, all others are optional. In doing this my 9 and 14 yr olds are extremely good with money. They know how to save for big things or special outings and they also know they can spend some on little fun stuff and earn more. My daughter also babysits now that she's older. She paid for her own basketball camp ($300) this summer and also paid for her cell phone bill when she went over her texts this month. Sorry to ramble, I just wanted to show an example that earning money still allows them to buy whatever they need but they know it's not a never ending supply for free, it will require physical labor just like any other job.

Been there.

Stop giving him cash.

Ask your family to stop giving him cash.

If you want to pay for his lunches, buy a lunch card at school or gift cards from the places he likes to eat lunch. If you want to pay for his gas, fill up his tank when he visits (unless he is driving Mom's tanker). If you want to buy him clothing, make sure it fits and he likes it and then take the tags off, wash the item and keep the receipts so Mom can't return the items for cash. If you buy him gift cards at American Eagle or some place that Mom would not have any reason to purchase other items, be aware that those items can still be returned for cash. My husband's ex would take the gift cards, purchase something for that value, then return it for cash and my step daughter never even saw the item, much less received it.

If his grandparents want to give him a monetary gift, establish a savings account for college (not in his name at this point, Mom can get to that).

As for the comment about driving around in the SUV. Don't even think about it. What she does with the child support money is her business and what she tells her son is her business. He will grow up and form his own opinion someday, take the high road.

If you think he feels guilty about leaving his mother, point out (very nicely) that she is an adult and should be able to care for herself. In addition, her parents are taking care of her. (The decisions they made while raising her are haunting them now, no doubt.) Don't ever say anything unkind about his parent though, even if it is true.

If you are serious about taking the step son in, (and that is a very serious decision), make the offer and let him make his own decision. He must be 16+ so it won't be long before the decision will be entirely his to make. Good luck to all of you.

You didn't say how old your step-son is, but this might be a great time to teach him about boundries (there's a series of excellent books on this - Boundries for Kids, Boundries for Mothers etc - can't recall the author). Basically, it's between the adults that she pays no child support, so expect nothing from her. For him, he needs to learn that he's not responsible for her. I'd do what I could to convince him to move back in with you, and he'll have to settle with visiting the little brother (he shouldn't be the adult in the household taking care of the little brother either). If he insists on staying with her, give him a normal allowance amount for his age and, if he spends it on her, so be it. He doesn't get more. He needs to learn this now or it'll effect his adult relationships as well (who he chooses in a wife). Good luck.

I have worked a lot with adolescents and children from abusive homes. If his version of the story is correct, he actually falls into that category as he is being manipulated to act based on the life that he is being forced into. However, I would make a few suggestions on how to handle this.

1. If you are a believer - PRAY! Prayer changes things

2. Have a sit down conversation with the mother. This is often not a comfortable act, but there needs to be some communication between both parents. She really needs to know (whether she wants to admit it or not) what is going on with her son. If she is ready to listen, then this could be the game changer you need. However, if it isn't positive, then I would definitely consider an impartial mediator and try again.

3. Set some levels of expectation with your step-son. I am not referring to telling him how to spend his money 9although a budget would be helpful for him for his future). Just talk with him about boundaries in families, the differences between child and adult responsibilities, and financial responsibility that he needs to adhere to. He should know how much allowance he is going to receive and be firm on that. Getting a part-time job would be his decision, but that doesn't seem to be the issue here as he should no be responsible for taking care of his family. Doing so may only further his idea that his Mom and younger brother NEEDS him to take care of them financially (which only worse the problem).

4. Also, speak to your husband's parents about the situation. You can not control what they give him, but they do need to be aware of what is going on.

5. If this does not have a positive impact on the situation, have your step-son move in with you. Ultimately, your goal is have him living in a safe, stable, secure, and non-threatening environment. This may also help his mother financially as she only has to be concerned with the welfare of one child instead of the two.

But remember, although money is involved, this is NOT about the money to your step-son this is about the welfare of a family that he is a part of, even if you and your husband are not. For him money is only the means to and end. Love, respect, and communication go a long way in these situations.

I wish you well in this situation and I will definitely pray for you all as well.

PS: As a woman that has had to take care of children on my own, state mandated child support is not always enough to make ends meet. It is OK to do more than what is required for a child that you help bring into the world. Buying clothes, food, etc. is essential to all of our well-beings and what your step-son gets should not just be relegated to what the state attorney general says you HAVE to give. Remember the child is who suffers in this, when people get vindictive about money.

Hi E.,

Looking at this situation it sounds like the mother is manipulating her son to the point that the young man feels like he is the parent or father figure in the house. That is not fair nor is it healthy!

If I was in your situation I would prayerfully consider not to give any more money into this mess.

She does not want a helping hand but is using her son to get handouts from everyone. She seems to be just selfish and buys want she wants instead of want she needs. As long as everyone is feeding into this dilemma it makes them guilty of keeping this behaviour going!

Concerning the welfare of your stepson: Keep encouraging him by letting him know that he is NOT responsible for his mother's finances, bills and other responsibilities. AND he is NOT the husband-man in the house- nor the father of his brother.
That he himself is still a child and he needs to put his concentration on the future of his life.
This is tough since it seems like it has been going on for a long while....but manipulation is like witchcraft and this mother is guilty of it...and as long as everyone goes along with it...they become as guilty of it. Put a stop to this woman's nonsence by refusing to throw any more money into her lap! sometimes we do a lot to keep the peace in the family however there is a time for conflict and this seems to be a good time. The family needs to all know NOT to give her any more money.

God Bless you.

M. D.

I agree with Mia D. But to add to it, don't give any money. If he needs clothes, take him shopping. If he needs a lunch ticket for school, go buy it for him. But, really its his mom's responsibility not yours. You pay child support, thats what it is for. Encourage family to stop giving money as well.

At the end of the day, your stepson is still a child in the bigger picture and he needs to be taken out of the equation. He shouldn't be the path of communication about money issues between his mother and father. I think the parents need to sit down and discuss, as uncomfortable and hard as it may be?

Good luck, that's a tough situation.

How old is this step son? Old enough to work obviously. Cut off money and have him work. Once he reaches 18 years of age, his mama will not have child support for this particular child. If the child moves back legally with you/husband, she will not get the child support for this particular child as well. I say she's manipulating this child. So sad. Obviously she was never taught to be responsible for her actions/self. And her mother continues to enable her daughter. Good luck.

My advice would be to get your stepson gift cards for gas. You can get these from shell or exxon or probably any station... put a determined amount of money on the card that way when he needs more for gas he can bring you the card and you pretty much know it's going for gas and possibly a coke or chips every now and then. So instead of giving him cash, you have a better idea of where and how the money is spent.

Your husband may need to get firm with her and let her know that he expects at least a partion of the child support to be given to his son to help with things like gas and such. Especially if she no longer has to pay rent or utilities. Your stepson needs to know that it's not his responsibility to pay for things for his mom. It's ok to help his brother.

I don't just give my kids their child support from their dad- because I have mortgage and utilities and I pay for car insurance and give my sons money when they need things... so that is a difference.

My sister and her husband have been through the same circumstances with his oldest daughter and her mom.

D.

If he is old enough to drive, he is old enough to get a part time job. This could help with the bills he is having to pay, but his mom needs to step up and be a mom. I am sorry that you are having to deal with this, I will be praying for you and the situation.

I think you guys need to sit down and talk to your step-son about this whole situation with his mom. Poor kid can't even enjoy being a kid, because he's too worried about taking care of his mom and little brother. (We have the same situation going on but the kids are younger) And as bad as you may not want to, you probably need to talk to the mother about this. She's going to go on the defensive about it I'm sure, but she needs to hear from you guys that she can't keep doing this to her son. I guess for your step-son give him a set amount every week and when he's out, he's out. When he sees that he can't get anymore and his mom is sucking him dry, then maybe (as sad as this sounds) he'll stand up to her and tell her no. Explain to him about enabling, because that's what he's doing for his mother. It completely sucks that a child has to deal with this with their own mother; however we don't get to pick our family, but we can pick how we deal with them.
Good Luck!

Wow.

I vote yes to sitting down with the stepson - and perhaps the bio mom and maternal grandparents - and a neutral counselor (paid professional) to help work things through. To me it seems like it would be better to pay for help now getting this boy in line and figuring out the truth of the matter, then to have a lifetime of manipulation on his part. The path he's going down seems like it will be a lot more expensive and heartbreaking for the rest of the family if he continues.

I might be sticking my nose in where it doesn't belong, but I really want the best for you! I hope you get it figured out!

A.

PS You might want to consider setting up a budget for him. Right now it sounds like you're being taken advantage of. Check out Dave Ramsey's financial ideas - He has a class you can take called Financial Peace University (it costs money). Maybe it will help - at least with the money aspect.
But the manipulation needs to be dealt with too. I don't know how possible it is to develop a working relationship with the bio Mom, but it would really be helpful if you could establish a direct line of communication with her. Again, a counselor might help with that.

This is what happens when parents split up. Kids take advantage of the situation. You should be talking and working with his mother.Not giving a child money. Does not help. If his mother was that crazy? then why would you let a crazy and irresponsible person raise your son? (this is a question for the father anyway. Create a relationship with his mother and work with her to raise a decent young man.

there is a fine line between helping someone and being an enabler. And being an enabler doesn't help anyone. I feel helping the son with something for him, in other words buying him something he needs , but not giving him money would be a start, but if he could realize he isn't helping his mom (grow up) by giving her money when his child support went to that expensive of a car. It would probably be a battle you don't want to deal with in the courts to have him come live with you, since he seems happy there? You didn't say how old he was, so of course that makes a difference also. This is a very hard thing to know exactly what to do. I'll pray that God can give you wisdom in this situation.

I think it is sweet that he is concerned about his mom and little brother (is the little brother your stepson also?) First step, in my opinion, is to ask him what he wants. I think it's clear he wants to be out of that situation. Help him to come to a non-aggressive way to solve this problem. Teach him that you and your husband are the parents and you will take good care of him, and it is not HIS job to take care of his mom. I think if you give him the power to make some choices, and you help guide those choices to be appropriate ones, he will feel stronger and more mature. Hope that helps.

I presume your stepson is still in school. I'd keep money on his lunch account and give him a set budget weekly if I felt inclined to for gas. This amount would not be more than my own weekly gas budget.

He would always be welcome to bring his little brother to my house for snacks and dinner if he wished.

That's it. There would be no extra money, aside from birthdays and Christmas.

S.

I may not have enough information to really give good advice, but here is my shot. Like any child just give him an allowance. You and your husband decide what is right. If it isn't enough for him he will get a job or go without. Don't worry about what the ex wife does. Give what you can and what you think is fair. If the grandparents want to give more then that is their thing and you have to let it go. You just stick with what you think is right and you can afford. I can tell you from experience that in the end kids appreciate what you don't give them........because then they go out and figure out how to take care of themselves and feel very empowered. But that is not to suggest that they have the resources to do it alone. Give him a reasonable allowance. We give our kids an allowance and then they work to make the difference. We don't figure in video games, etc... Life is all about choices, so let him chose what is his priority, but DO NOT put him in the middle or make him feel bad about his mom and how she chooses to live.

I've been a stepmom twice, so I know what you are going through. My philosophy is that the child should not have to deal with any situation that would not come up if his parents were together. Basically, this would not be an issue if the parents had not split up. That being said, if the child needs money from Dad because Mom is twittering away her own money, then if you can afford it, don't make a big deal out of it. If you trust your stepson is a solid kid, then just be there for him without judging his mom. He does that enough, I'm sure. Your child support goes to part of the electric bill, phone bill, gas bill, water bill, and all the little things that come up every day - yearbook, school pictures, lab supplies, etc. Don't stress him or yourselves out by getting involved in her business, and having an opinion. There are always two sides anyway. We found out that my stepdaughter learned early on, how to say what Mommy and Daddy wanted to hear about each other, which evokes unattractive responses from Mom and Dad. Make it as easy as possible for everyone, especially him. He didn't ask for all the headaches that come with parents splitting up. Good luck, I know how hard it can be, especially when you see your own kids affected by the situation. J.