Socially Unacceptable?

Let it go. Use this as a teaching moment about disappointment and friend/birthday party dynamics.

This is likely the first in a string of birthday invitation disappointments. More will come. Its best to talk about it and move on without casting judgement on the birthday girl or her family.

Kids that age change their minds about friends constantly. Don't get involved. The birthday girl probably told her mom who she wanted to invite and who not to invite. Take it as a life lesson. Be cordial when you run into eachother. Life goes on.

Was it a small party with only a few kids? I have had birtday parties for my girls, and it is hard sometimes to invite everyone that has invited them to parties.

And as the other post stated, maybe the invite was lost in the mail. I have had that happen before.

I would not confront the mom.

I would let it go. I think that Elayne's response is very sneaky and rude. Don't teach your daughter that! Talk to her and use it as a lesson. You also don't know the circumstances...maybe money was an issue and they had to keep the guest list down.

We went throught he same thing when my daughter. For years she would invite these two sisters she was friends with for her birthday. We would take them swimming, boating,and the biggest on her 13th, to a tea room. These girl's birthdays would come along and my daughter wouldn't get invited. We knew the family could only afford cake and ice cream, but that wasn't the point. She didn't care about what they did. She cared about being a good enough friend that she was included in their celebration. After the big 13 year old bash, and getting ignored again on their birthdays, she decided not to invite them anymore. The friendship fell all apart after that. Turns out she was the one making all the effort to keep the friendship going and when she backed off, nothing happened. She decided she would rather have no friends than bad friends and has proceeded to go out and find better ones.

Since your daughter is so young, I don't think I would make a big deal out of it right now. They may have had good reason that they had to limit the guest list. Give it time, and see what happens. You have a lot of birthdays left to go. Good luck. This is hard, to see your child be left out.

When my daughter was 8 or 9 (can't remember exactly) she wanted to go to a baseball game for her birthday. Her dad and another dad took her and three friends to the game. We didn't invite everybody that year because it just wouldn't have been economically possible. And that's what she really wanted to do for her birthday. Maybe this is the case with your daughter's friend. I know things like this hurt. I was little once and didn't get invited to a party that everybody else seemed to be going to. I still remember how I felt. But it's just part of life -- disappointments are just something we all have to learn how to deal with. I would hope, though, that the girls who do go don't talk about it in front of those who didn't get invited. I think that is when I would probably say something. Unless that happens, I think I'd just let it go.

Do you know the type of party they had? Were friends invited or only family? It's possible they had budget limitations or simply wanted to keep things small. Whatever their reasoning, it's their party and up to them to determine who should be invited.

On another note, it's also entirely possible your invite was lost in the mail. When I got married, we had two invites we sent that were received about 2 days before our wedding and one was delivered after our event. We sent them 8 weeks before our wedding.

So you never know the case. Let it go and if you enjoy their company, then spend time with them. I don't think it's appropriate to confront them when you don't know anything about the situation.

I too am one that likes to know what's going on but I have to echo that just forgetting it is the best option here. Someone suggested getting her a little gift and hinting around about how you're looking forward to the event. Everyone's entitled to their opinion but personally, I think that's conniving and would not teach your daughter a good lesson. Someone else said that this is just one of several situations of letdown that she will have in her life. I could not agree more. The better she learns to deal with situations like this now, the better she will handle herself in bigger situations later in life. I know this party seems like a lot of her, everything is a big deal at 6 and I feel badly for her but there is a valuable lesson to be learned. Lead the way R. and show her the way a strong girl moves forward and stands tall.

I have a friend, that I thought was a close friend and she did not come to my last two parties, if valid excuses or not, matter of fact the response was very cold and I do not know why. Her sons birthday is this months and I know my sons are not being invited this year although they love to play with that boy. She is making that choice and she has her reasons, so I let her be.
You might need to put your feelings aside a bit. People have reasons why they do not invite someone and it is not necessarily that she does not want you or your daughter there, but she can't. There can be many many many reasons, tight budget, they go somewhere a bit far from home, her husband can't stand you and before she gets divorced she rather not have you come.... so forth. Yes, the invitation could also have gotten lost in the mail or sits in your spam folder and you are stressing about nothing. I like the idea of being the bigger person and get the girl a little gift, call the Mom, say you knew she had a party that your daughter was not invited to, regardless, your daughter would like to acknowledge her birthday and have her over for play time or whatever and that you have a little something for her.

You are taking this too personal before you even know what her reason might be. There are bigger things to tackle in life...

Ouch! That is always hard to hear. Recently I saw a blog post where one friend had invited a large group to a children's museum and we were not on the list. We hadn't had them to birthday parties for a few years (kids ages don't line up), but we are friends and I was surprised at some of the people they had invited before us. I left it alone. The big difference here is that the mom and I are better friends than our kids are.

On the other hand, I know I've done the same to others. My daughters' birthdays are 3 1/2 weeks apart and the oldest gets the second mom-is-tired-of-parties, party. Two years ago we took three friends with us to the pool. Last year (I was pregnant with twins, but I threw a better one for her sister) we took one friend to an arcade and pizza. She's going into third grade and we are finally having a larger group party this year. BUT, after a lot of discussion, we decided no church friends. So even with 8 kids invited, we can easily hurt some feelings.

We've lived in our town for 9 years. We have library friends, church friends, preschool friends, neighborhood friends, school friends, soccer friends, girl scout friends...

When my oldest was 5 I tried to invite everyone. It was crazy and I didn't enjoy it-part of the reason I've been doing smaller parties for the last few years.

I don't know how you know each other, if your kids go to school together... so it's hard to give advice. But this probably won't be the first time it happens, so take the time to set a precedent, what you will do in the future. Good luck.

R.,
I would just let it be. Thier might be a valid reason your daughter was not invited, like tight funds, so only a few could be invited and at age 6 kids change thier feelings about friends as fast as they change thier underwear.
My neighbor went thru the same thing she could only afford her daughter to have 4 friends for a birthday party and let her daughter choose who to invite. Needless to say of course one friend felt left out and her mother called and becasue we love our kids she would not listen to the reason her child was not one of the chosen 4 and the conversation got very ugly.. Now the kids no longer have any friendship at all and the adults lost thier friendship also. It has been 3 years..Very sad

Don't take it personally and leave the kids to have thier friendship take it where it will go naturally.

Do nothing until you feel extremely comfortable with your decision. Maybe the party in question was only a family party but the little girl talked about it.Maybe the little girl could only invite three people 2 of which could have been her cousins or something. Maybe they thought they gave you an invitation. And perhaps they didn't. If you know for certain that twenty seven other little people were invited and you don't care what the reaction is, then you might simply say I understand you had a party for little poopsy at the Mother Hen Factory and wondered if we were supposed to come. If so we didn't get an invitation. Either way the mother can be all embarrassed and stutter about why she didn't invite your daughter or she can explain that all twenty seven had to have green hair. The point is if you approach her there will be a response of some sort.I was actually told I wasn't invited to something once because they thought we couldn't afford a present or something. That is rude, too. Let us decided that.Anyway, if you don't say something you might keep wondering or eventually something could leak out. And let's face it six year olds are changing all the time. Your daughter is perhaps a steadfast good little person (much like I remember myself being) but I remember a girl who wouldn't invite me to her party and I thought I was her friend. To this day I don't know why. Fast forward to my sons and these kinds of things happened a couple of times. One time the mother actually wrote the wrong time on her invitation and I showed up with my son at a lazer place and it was over two hours before. I did speak to the mom, showed her the invitation and my son had a special overnight visit with the young man just by himself. So these things happen and there are not always involving evil. Just do- So wait it out til you figure out what you want to say (which could mean a half hour) and do not assume the worst. It is quite possible that the mom simply didn't put your invitation onto the pile or the little girl dropped it or something. However if it was on purpose never speak to her ever again and smear her name whenever possible in public and tell everyone what happened.. Oh just kidding. Like my mom always said, then just ignore them.

They are 6....Life goes on....surely you have much more important business, family and life fun to have than to bother with this...maybe there was a limit on the number of guests or perhaps it was an oversight or mailing glitch...
Just ignore it for your daughter's sake...You are teaching her how to deal with life's issues...A confident person with a full life would not let this bother them....Time will tell...In the meantime be as friendly as ever...aand let your daughter decide next year, whether she wants to invite this girlfriend to her party...By then they may be best friends or have moved into different circles of friendships...Relax....and just love your daughter...
A seasoned mom of 3

Ya catch more flies with honey, right?
How good of friends are you?
If you are really good friends, I would buy your daughter's friend a little gift and say to the mother," Are you doing anything for 'Janey's' Birthday? We hadn't heard and we picked out a little something for her and would like to give it to her".
Probably she would respond with an explanation and what ever she says I would just say,"Well you guys mean a lot to us and we just wanted Janey to know" and leave it at that.
Now a days parties get so policial and are so expensive. Why not by pass all that and let your friend know that you are bigger then that and that you are more interested in a real friendship then a popularity contest. And if the invite is lost, this should cover it.

My sister has a daughter and when she has the kids parties she doesn't invite my sons (they are 2 and 4 years apart). At first I was hurt. Yes, sometimes the parties were girly but.....Then I put my ego aside and listened to my sis as she explained how expensive it was, how my niece stressed about picking the right people (cliques already, poor thing) and dealing with the other parents. I am now glad that she doesn't invite us. She does have a small group of us over for cake.
If she is a good friend (as you say she is) she will appreicate you being a good friend this way. After it passes and you guys are still close I would just let you know that you were confused about not being invited, but dont' want it to come between you. She will also reciprocate with your daughter. If she is not a good friend she will show it and at least you will walk away being the "bigger" person and knowing you did the right thing!
Let us know what happens!

Having your feelings hurt over things like this is so easy! But as you and your daughter get older you will understand that there may be a million rational explanations why she did not get invited. Perhaps it is a family only party, or maybe they are on a tight budget. They may be doing activities that they know your daughter dosn't like. (one my daughter's friend hates is games where balloons pop) I didn't invite my daughters best friend to her party because it was friends from school and a very girly party with dolls and I knew she would be unhappy and try to monopolize my daughter. They got togeater on a different day just for the two of them. Try not to take insult, tell the birthday girl's mom, your friend " I noticed ________ had a birthday. My daughter would love it if they could celebrate. Maybe we could take them to a movie or out to lunch soon. See how your friend response. If she is truely not your friend then it should be obvious by then.

This same exact thing happened with my son and one of his friends. He is 6 as well. I was upset at first but did not say anything about it which was really hard because I saw the parents everyday after school. Eventually the parent said something to me about it and I let them know that my son had a hard time with not being invited and that we were upset about it. I can't blame the parents if the child truly did not want my child at the party. I figure my son will learn (unfortunately through being disappointed) that this friend is not really one.

I don't know if I would "confront" the mother because if you go into the situation thinking of it that way, it could cause tension between you and between the girls. At 6, there could be lots of reasons that the birthday girl decided not to include your daughter.
Could you call the mother and just ask if something happened between the girls that made them not want to invite your daughter? Something may have happened that you and your daughter just aren't aware of. If you go into the conversation saying something like "I just want to make sure everything is okay between the girls" vs "why didn't she get invited" the other mother may be more honest with you.

I would not confront the mom about this. There were 25 kids in my son's kindergarten class and as much as we would have liked to invite them all to a party, we just could not do it. You have no idea what this family's situation is. Maybe they could not afford to ask everyone.If that is the case (and remember, no matter how well a family 'appears' to be doing right now, it may not reflect their actual financial situation) think how bad you would make the other mom feel by being hostile about it.
Also, although it is VERY hard to think that your little girl might have been left out, sometimes that is just going to happen. Not everyone gets invited to or can DO all things. It is a part of life and if she feels bad, I would just tell her that in a very kind way- it doesn't mean she and the other girl are not pals, and it isn't because of anything your daughter did. Sometimes it just works out that way!

Getting into it with the other mom can only cause hurt feelings and frustration and may affect the little girls' friendship as well. Let's face it- in the end, this other little girl has the right to choose who she wants MOST at her party. If she has 10 little friends and her parents say "We can only manage to have 6, you have to narrow it down" some girls won't get invited. It doesn't mean that the other mom OR the birthday girl are making a personal judgment about you or your daughter.

If ANYTHING, I would not mention the party specifically, but say casually "Shelly and Susie haven't played together for a while and Shelly would really like to set up a playdate." If the other mom blows this off or seems uncomfortable, then maybe there is a bigger issue you don't know about. But then- there are LOTS of other little girls. If it just seems like the friendship has cooled then have your daughter play with other kids for a while.

These things happen ALL THE TIME and at age 6, you are just starting it. I would not make too big a thing out of it- just reassure your daughter that it isn't anything she did and move on.

Just be honest with the mom-ask her if there is a reason your daughter didn't receive and invite. Don't be confrontational and talk to her mom to mom, and do your best not to get bent out of shape. It is possible that they are having a smaller party, the invite got lost, the girls have been at odds, or the other mom just made a mistake. Whatever the reason is, pretending it isn't an issue doesn't change that fact that it is an issue. And while I agree that it seems nicest to "let it go" or make up an excuse to try to invite yourselves, the best thing you can teach your daughter is to be brave and honest with her friends, Then if you find out the worst (she was intentionally left out) you can help her heal from a real wound instead of imagined hurt, and she will be stronger for it.

I'd let ot go, even if your and your little ones feelings are hurt. Different people have different perceptions of relationships/connections. By excluding your family, to her, maybe she didn't feel the bond between you is as strong as you do. It's happened to most people, no worries, try not to let it bother you. So folks are just self centered and don;t forge relationships, only acceot them. My daughter has a friend who they call each other 'bestest friends' and her mom makes a big deal over thier relationship whenever they are together, is a super nice to me, blah, blah, blah, goes out of her way to come to my daughters party (which I invited the siblings as well), blah, blah, blah and has a party for her little one a few weeks later, no invite, go figure. My feelings were hurt, especially for my daughter, but I have let it go...I know where I stand and let the girls continue their relationship at their level. I like the mom, nice lady, just not a bff. I'm not keeping score. Suround your self with good and be good and you will live happily ever after.

Maybe they're just trying to keep the guest list down and costs down due to economic hardship???

I wouldn't confront her if I were you.

Just leave it alone---there are going to be times that you and your daughter will not be invited to parties and gatherings. Learn from it, and get over it. You shouldn't be upset over it. Maybe this other mom doesn't consider you as close as a friend as you may consider her and that's ok. I"m sure you and your little one have plenty of other friends.

My daughter now 10 has experienced this with the same girl for 2 years now. ( my fault)
Please take my advice and teach your daughter about manners and make a learning lesson from this now..
I didn't and wished I had.

Hi R.,
My son is 4, so we haven't had this experience yet. However, if I were you I might call the mom and just talk to her about your feelings. I once got upset that a friend didn't invite me to her party, but then got an invite in the mail a week later that had gotten lost. So you never know. I would give the mom and the daughter the benefit of the doubt and have a little chat. That's what I would do anyway. :)
blessings,
J.

Hi R. Ask her about the party and if she says "she forgot" don't get angry you'll just know where you stand with her. Because if you were such a good friend, there's no way she could of forgotten you. When it's time for your daughter's next birthday party don't invite her. This may sound childish but you'll never get anywhere in this world being the nice guy. And if she asks why her daughter wasn't invited just simply say you forgot.

I agree that it would do more harm than good. Sometimes the party scene is just not fair, and it's better to teach this to your daughter early, so that she doesn't focus too much on this slight. She should always invite people to her party according to who she really wants there, without the expectation that the invite will be reciprocated. Remain an all around happy/lucky person, and help your daughter to be one too!

Confront is such a loaded work. Carrying negative connotations. Not being invited to a party doesn't mean the girls aren't friends etc. Maybe they had to keep the party small and had to limit the guest list. Or, maybe the girls have grown apart - they're six, it happens. Either way, the mother of the other child certainly doesn't owe you or anybody an explanation about who she did or didn't invite to a party. Not everybody can get invited to every party. Let it go.

Hello Rhonda C: I am a married mother of four, 2 boys and 2 girls. I understand your concerns. You thought you were friends but your daughter did not get invited to the birthday party after she invited the other little girl to your daughter's, needless to say, this was a shocker to you. You want to confront her to tell her how you feel about the ordeal and you want to know where you stand. On the contrary, I think the mother has identified exactly where you stand and I would not confront her at all. She doesn't deserve the energy that you want to give to this situation. Kids are resilient and they forgive a lot faster than parents because as parents we want to protect our children from everything. There is a lesson in this for you but you will need to work through it differently than from your daughter because after all she's 6 and shouldn't spend too much time being upset when she will make lots of new friends.

On the flip side: if this was an oversight, you could say something like, so when is "?" party my daughter is so excited...

Other than that I would leave it alone. There will be an opportunity later down the line when you'll be able to casually bring it up... Hope this helps

M.

It is none of your business who other people invite to their parties. Friends come and go throughout our childhood and adulthood.

Teach your daughter to continue to be a kind person and not to worry about people who are not generous in return. Don't dwell on the party, there will be plenty others.

This too shall pass !!!!

Just remember it for future - but don't bring it up- apparently that Mom thought nothing of it + your daughter's friendship is what matters with this girl. If they part as friends, fine, but let her make the choice and figure it out even though they are only 6 she'll get the hint, if there is one. Sometime we have to let things happen on their own, even though it hurts us when our children are disappointed or hurt.

Children do "get it"- it just takes a little longer.

Hi R.,

Well, I wouldn't confront her (persay); I'd just ask her how was the party and see if she offers an explanation as to why your daughter wasn't invited. If she says that she's sorry she didn't invite your daughter, let her know your daughter is a bit hurt by it and frankly so are you.

Hope this helps.

I would mention the party around the other girls mother especially if your good friends with the girls mother. Maybe the invitation got lost or something.Either way you will find out what happened. If she really didnt invite you guys well then you know.

We all take it very personally when our child is the one left out. I have learned that the kids relationships in preschool through grade school years go back and forth so many times that next year they may be really close and only want to play with each other or are on to other things and friends. I wouldn't confront anyone on this, just let it go. I always come up with a budget for a birthday party, give them choices of what they want to do, then figure out how many friends I can afford to have along. She then makes the list all by herself and when I look at it and ask if she maybe wants, this person or that person instead. Usually it's "no Mom, I asked who I wanted or these are my really bestest friends right now". So let it go, so that no more feelings are hurt with words.