Socializing Our Children

A great book on this subject is Emotional Intelligence: Why it can matter more than IQ, by Daniel Goleman. This should be required reading for every parent and every educator.

Thanks for being that voice that says "But there's more to education & child development than academic skills!" To me, that is so very important.

Wish I could answer your question. Wish it were easier to answer.

I hear what you are saying.
And yet - there's nothing wrong with being a loner.
Many people are not social butterflies and they don't go on killing sprees.
One might argue that gang members might be considered very social and at the same time they can be extremely violent.
Teaching people how to channel anger so it doesn't become explosive or dangerous is important.
People ARE angry - but people don't think clearly when they are angry.
People will do things as part of a mob that no sane individual would consider doing.
They burn and loot and vent their anger on things that accomplish nothing to solve the source of their anger.
My son's Master in taekwondo tells his students - when sparring, don't fight angry - because if you go in flailing and not planning your attack, watching your opponent, gauging and anticipating his moves to block them - you are going to lose the match.
This is a lesson that applies to many areas of life.

That is a thoughtful post. I do think, though, that preschools would be wise to have a holding area. Meaning, after someone gets let through the (hopefully locked) front doors by being buzzed in, they cannot simply access classrooms but need to sign in, state their business, etc.

And, really I'm at a loss of what to do. Mass shootings are VERY VERY VERY rare. They don't seem like it because they take a lot of lives at once and get tons of media publicity. And we know that stopping a person from going mad is all but impossible.

How many parents realize just how many kids are killed in car accidents? That is SUCH a killer (in our neighborhood just like others). If parents really thought about it and saw enough crash tests or real life fatalities, nobody would ever forward-face a child until at LEAST the third birthday. Preschoolers would never use a booster but only a 5 pt. harness, and children would remain in high-back boosters until the adult belt fits in a manner that it won't internally decapitate them in a crash. This is NOT 8 but usually between 10 and 11. I see the obituaries in the local paper all the time and it's sad. Car accidents are stealing our children and it's not covered in the media much.

I pretty much consider myself a "loner".....& have always been one.

I had/have friends. I enjoy them. I love attending social events.

But most days, I prefer being at home. I'm quite content to be alone.

I do not consider this harmful, nor detrimental.

& I am very certain that I have met quite a few completely psychotic socially-inclined people in my lifetime. People I've met .....out & about..... whom I would never, ever trust with my life.

I'll take a retrospective introvert any day.....over a socially-adept psycho.

For me, this question is offensive. You are judging by the cover, not by the content.

Oh, & as a head's up, I too own a daycare. Not a single family questioned my safety procedures. They expressed grief over the event. They also expressed grief over what we have experienced in our community this weekend: the loss of a law enforcement officer (in the line of duty) + the loss of 2 of our H.S. seniors due to a car accident. It's a big, bad world out there....& to judge by social skills makes it smaller.

One big start would be to provide adequate HEALTH CARE which includes the BRAIN... last time I checked, I wasn't carrying it in my pocket.

This speaks volumes:
http://changementalhealthlawsinky.blogspot.com/2012/12/my...

One of the hardest things in the world is admitting your child is not perfect, or that there is something "not right" with them. I have had to address this on the "mild" side, as my son was diagnosed on the high end of the Autism spectrum, with some sensory issues. Part of me had an inkling, but he was not symptomatic at home so it wasn't really in my face. It took me longer than I like to act on some statements from daycare re. his quirkiness, and I feel a bit bad about that. But it's hard to admit, to process, to accept. But once I did, I jumped in and am working hard to learn how his brain works so I can help him navigate the world he is in with the tools that he has, quirks and all.

There was a mom who posted a few months back who had a son that she said was "a bit rough" with animals. But he was more than that, and she didn't want to see it. It's super hard, but not wanting to see something doesn't change the fact that it's there, and that we have to do something. Especially when it's our own child, because we love them enough to fight for them.

As a society, we have to find ways to help the people that have issues. As a parent, we have to find ways to allow our eyes to be open and find the courage to deal when someone notices that something is not right with our child.

We can't prevent everything, we can't live in bubbles - just the opposite. We have to break the bubbles so we can help each other be our best selves. We need to talk more, listen more and RESPECT more.

ADD: Per Jenny O's point - there was a statistic mentioned on NPR that approximatly 150 people per year were killed in "mass" killings (4 or more by 1 person), but INDIVIDUAL killings was 15 THOUSAND. But the tragically huge number of 15k is not noticed because it's 1 at a time vs. the in your face tragedy of many at one time.

I guess the question is how do we care for our society on a regular basis to help this number go down without miring ourseves in a feeling of hopelessness? How do we get outside ourselves and keep the love and care we feel in the aftermath of this tragedy alive in the long term without the tragedy as a motivator? It reminds me of the very old series, Kung Fu (with David Carridine -rip), who simply and quietly steps in to help those who need it wherever he goes, and stands up for those who need standing up for. Simple, but takes a LOT of courage, it seems.

Be vigilant. Be prepared. Have a plan.

Socialization is important. However, it must be balanced with education as well. It's a fine line - socialization and education.

How to detect? You really can't look in someone's mind. If someone comes to your center for a tour but is a mad man (or W.) hell bent on destruction - the best you can do is be prepared. You will look at the person - you might get a "gut instinct" or you might get a tingle - not sure how your "red flag" warnings go off - but when I was Assistant Director at Kindercare, I can tell you that no one got into the center without reason.The door to the office was CLOSED. The door to the center - cypher locked and closed....

Be proactive. Be prepared. DO NOT PANIC. Be prepared to jump on the person and disarm them.

We were presented with a handwritten note (copied) from the director in our children's bins this morning. We all know there are no guarantees but I also trust that they will do all they can to protect my child. That is all I can ask. The director admitted that they do lock doors, but if someone is truly deranged, that's not a firm deterrent. But, honestly, I knew what kind of people they were before I enrolled my kid and the letter was just reassurance of the same.

I live in an area where people were shot at from inside the trunk of a car (HOW THE HELL do you predict that?!) and a plane fell out of the sky. Life is uncertain and you do the best you can with the information you have at the time.

If a child in my DD's school was having serious issues, I would hope that the director would sit down with the parent and work a plan of action, but be willing to say "we cannot educate your child here" if that child needed something more intensive than the could offer. And, frankly, many parents try very very hard to get their kids diagnosed, treated, educated and they are given the run around. I know someone who every year has to re-inform the teachers and the school why their cookie cutter policies doesn't work for HER son. She has to pay out of pocket for things he needs because the district/school refuses to acknowledge what her son needs. Some parents are told that their child is a lost cause. They are told their child cannot be given x or y until they are a danger to themselves or others. Sometimes parents DO see it and nobody else wants to.

It is not a cut and dry issue and not just that some kid was/wasn't socialized or was/wasn't diagnosed or was/wasn't able to get a gun. You cannot fully predict crazy. You just can't. You do your best along the way and you mourn the losses and you work for change where change needs to be made.

I agree. Socialization is much more important in pre-school than academics.

As for school shooting, I would be interested to know how many parents of school shooters were helicopter parents. Imagine the feelings of helplessness and frustration a child who has been helicoptered must feel when they reach adulthood to find they were not prepared for real life. Just a thought. Did people become helicopter parents in response to incidents like this, or did incidents like this start because of the helicopter parents?

Why do you say that you sill spend time reassuring parents that their children are safe and then follow that up with "there is no stopping" any "madman" who wants to get in? As a parent, I don't want to be placated; maybe most do. I would prefer that you tell me that this is something that you haven't necessarily prepared for and then get to work on your security measures.

Otherwise, I'm kinda like Sue H. on the social stuff.

What's wrong with these "mad men" is WAY more than can be fixed by learning sharing, taking turns and being nice in preschool!

I do, however, agree that social skills and PLAY are the correct focus for preschool--not academics.

What can you do?
The best you can with what you have.
And work to change what you feel is wrong.

Updated

What's wrong with these "mad men" is WAY more than can be fixed by learning sharing, taking turns and being nice in preschool!

I do, however, agree that social skills and PLAY are the correct focus for preschool--not academics.

What can you do?
The best you can with what you have.
And work to change what you feel is wrong.

Before we jump to all these abstract ideals which may or may not be applicable, I'd like to see us stop drugging the heck out of an entire generation of children (and pregnant mothers).

Maybe then we'd see less brain damage and concurrent social deviance.

Do some people require drugs to function? Yes. But I do not believe it is to the degree that we see today.

Did Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold (Columbine) not go to school most of their lives? Should I blame their crimes on the fact that they went to school? Of course not!

I resent any implication or hint that traditional pre-school and schools are the answer to this problem. When my kids pulled out of school (at different times actually) to homeschool, they did more socially homeschooling than they ever did in school. Both my kids went to pre-school for years, and it did nothing to help them like school more or do better in school. In fact, with one of my sons, I think pre-school played a big role in his long-term dis-like of school. And this kid is a good student and athlete, and well liked by his peers.

I do agree with you that pre-schoolers do not need intensive academics as the first priority in their lives.

JMO.