So to give background, my DH is an extreme introvert...painfully so. His mother has to be the life of the party. She has a habit of inviting neighbors over damn near EVERY time we go up to their house whether it's a holiday or not. Although her friends are nice people, we just don't have much in common with them and therefore it is pretty uncomfortable for me and close to unbearable for my DH. I have tried to explain to MIL how uncomfortable we are with this and how much more relaxed it is when it is just family over for the day. We actually did do just family for the day after Christmas last year and it WAS so much nicer. She even remarked at how much better it was.
We will be going up there on Sunday because his brother is going to be in town and we all decided to do Christmas at the same time...see previous post on this. My DH's birthday is late next week. She sent me a text message asking what type of cake that he likes because she wanted to have one on Sunday for his birthday. When I replied back that he liked cheesecake, she argued back about it not being for a birthday but they would get it. This morning I got another text saying not to tell my DH but she was planning on throwing him a birthday party late afternoon on Sunday. I said that was cool, but who would be there because DH does get very uncomfortable around a bunch of people that he doesn't know. She proceeds to list off neighbors that my DH has never even met as well as ones that he has met in passing once or twice. Obviously, this will make my DH highly uncomfortable.
SO now she is using the guise of throwing a birthday party for my DH as a way of getting her way. She absolutely KNOWS that he will not be comfortable in this situation. These folks are not his friends and he flat out doesn't even know the people that she has invited. The bell has rung on this one since she seems to have already made the plans. This will not even start until 3:30 p.m. and she also KNOWS that we have a 2 hour drive back home. We have work the next day and the kids have school. I do NOT want to get home at 10 p.m. The only reason that we are getting together this particular day is because his brother will be in town. Otherwise, we would have planned on going on a day in which we did not have work/school the next day.
She is stressed becauses she is trying to throw a party which will not even really be for my DH as she is claiming and really will probably make him miserable. I am fed up with her BS. She knows exactly how we both feel and she does whatever she wants anyway. I really don't even want to go and deal with her, but I had already agreed to go. And this whole party isn't even necessary. A cake with family would have been a nice gesture and plenty without adding soical pressures. She is totally bringing stress upon herself unnecesarily.
I don't even know what to say to this woman....she sounds completely clueless. Any advice?
His Mom already invited all of these folks...she intentionally didn't let me know until after the fact. The reality is that everyone has been putting up with BS like this from her for so many years that DH thinks that this is normal. It is highly unlikely that he will say anything to her.
Nothing like a birthday party that's not even For you. That's why she is stressed.
The others are right, cut the cake at the begining and eat and leave.
Her guests, her party, her problem.
If I knew my husband would not be happy about the party I would definetely tell him then let him deal with his mother. Sounds like this party is not really for him anyway.
Oooohhhhh..... I think I am getting the picture now.
She ALREADY had this party planned with her neighbors, when you guys talked before about coming on the 16th to do Christmas early. THAT is why she is a mess. For whatever reason it appears that she didn't come right out and tell you that Sunday wouldn't work for the family get together because she already had a party planned for that day.
So NOW, she had finagled it into a "birthday" party "for" your husband. So she doesn't have to cancel with her friends, and she still has y'all coming to do Christmas with the brother.
I think I would go early, let her serve the cake, and then split. "Sorry, we have work tomorrow and the kids have school, and we need to get home."
Maybe she thought that if she told you about the party she was planning on the only day that worked for you to drive up, that you might not come at all. And now she is freaking out trying to cover all the bases. Ugh.
What a manipulator. I can't stand people like that.
Go celebrate with the brother.
then ...
(1) cut the cheesecake at 3:30 then leave by 4:30 citing the long drive home, and work/school morning. Do not feel bad about it. Do not apologize. Your MIL knows exactly what she is doing - blatantly disregarding her son's feelings in order to throw herself a party.
(2) cut her off at the pass and tell her clearly and firmly that you all are leaving at 3:00pm to accommodate the drive home, etc. Then she can have her late afternoon party guilt and stress free for all.
Just don't buy into it. But do warn your husband in advance of what she is planning so she can not lay the guilt card on him either.
Sometimes, you have to just put your figurative foot down with people who so clearly disregard your feelings.
Good Luck.
Hugs
I'd tell your husband about it and let him decide what he wants to do.
OMG, you both have a 2 hour drive back home, AND work the next day, AND the kids have school the next day too.
There is no way, I would be happy with that, either. As you said.
And this whole thing, is a total uncomfortable thing, for your DH.
But MIL is doing it anyway. So it is not real "thoughtful" of her, and it is being forced. Upon, you all.
Meanwhile, she is stressing herself out... AND it will be not welcomed by your DH, and you/your kids. And you will all probably get home, very very late, and the kids will be so totally worn out and tired, and not in a good rested condition for school the next day.
Maybe just cancel?
Have hubby take care of this himself. And this is how.
When the people are all there and the cake has been served he needs to stand up and say "Well, everyone thanks for the good wishes but it's time for us to head home. We were planning on leaving at 3 but mom was so nice to do this we stayed a bit over. It was nice meeting everyone, come on honey, get your hiney in the car...". Mom will be flabbergasted, hubby was have made it clear that he isn't going to bend to her will, he had good enough manners to be a good sport for a little while, and she may never do it again. Especially if eacn and every time you guys go there and the neighbors start showing up you get up and say "Looks like you are starting to have some company mom, we'll get out of here so you can visit with your friends. Honey, load up, mom's got company, time to goooooo".
She'll not do it next time because she'll want to visit with you guys.
BUT on the other hand, you guys are her "show off the family" opportunities. If she is really proud of your hubby and is one of those moms who want to show him off then she's going to continue to do this type of stuff.
If I were her son, I'd tell her that he doesn't ever want another birthday party as long as he lives. What she is doing to him is just awful, T..
What I would do if I were him is show up for the party and leave an hour later. He could go to the library and just read for a while, and then pick you and the kids up. When people ask where he went, tell them he had to go run an errand. Quite frankly, since no one knows him, they probably won't even notice.
I'd make sure that you two make it clear to her that there are no more parties in his future at her house. If she invites people for a party for him, he won't be there. This is her last hurrah on parties for him.
So very sorry.
Dawn
I think that the bell has not rung. What time will his brother be there? I think that you can visit with family for a while and then leave once the other guests start arriving. You need to get home, anyway, right? Stop trying to change her. Just tell her your plans and stick to them. For example, tell her that on Sunday you will enjoy sitting around with the family and celebrating DH's birthday but then you'll leave when the guests start arriving for her party. HER party, not your DH's because he does not know these people. Therefore, they won't miss him. Arrive several hours before her guests are due, so you can feel like you've had a worthwhile visit. If she makes a fuss, just act dumb, but stick to your guns. How are you supposed to know that this was HIS party when only HER friends are there and you guys have told her before that you would rather not be forced to socialize with these strangers during family time? Every time you go over, make the most of your time together. Anytime it gets to be too much, just be prepared to leave.
Sure.
Let her throw her party her way and let her know before you get there exactly what time you will be pulling out to return home. Then stick to your plan, even if the cake hasn't been served. Take yours "to go."
How odd...this is her SON, right? She knows he doesn't like being around people, right? Weird.
This annoys me, and it's not even my MIL. I agree with the others, let your husband know and plan to leave before the party starts if he's okay with that. Or maybe he'll tell her he doesn't want a party like that (but being introverted he may not feel comfortable with the confrontation). Will his brother only be in town on that day? If he's staying longer, I might even skip the whole day. Get "sick" or something. It won't necessarily make her realize that she's the problem, but I don't know if she would understand that anyway, as she clearly doesn't get why this is the wrong thing to do.
Wow... That really takes the cake!
Wait, waaaah?
I'm sorry, your husband is an adult man now, a MARRIED adult man and his mommy is no longer in charge of his birthday.
This is a very manipulative tactic, subconscious or not.
You to MIL:
MIL, I know you just want (husband) to feel special on his birthday (of course WE know what she REALLY wants is to still be in charge of him), but he really doesn't enjoy this kind of thing. He likes to....(insert what YOU know he wants to do) instead. Thank you for thinking of him, but we've made other plans for that day.
Repeat every time she pulls something like this.
Give her a chance to SEE what she's doing, maybe it hasn't occurred to her, ok?
Think of it this way, she's had 18+ years to mother him, he's allowed to make his own choices now, being his wife, you're allowed to rectify the dysfunction, even if he can't..
:)
(My oldest is 20 and a full time college student. He has a long term serious girlfriend. He hasn't been home (here) on his birthday for a few years. I want to make him feel special, too. So I make sure to send him a package, card, money, a FB message, and a text. But he's (more or less) an adult now, with an adult gf, his birthdays belong to him and his SO)
Make an appearance, stay for 2 hours, then leave.
I suppose if you wanted to show up at noon and leave by 2 you'll miss the party but I doubt the neighbors will care or barely notice.
You could say there was a mix up with the time but you MUST leave on your schedule.
Your MIL is in it for the entertaining and putting on a show - showing everyone what a good hostess she is.
Any excuse for a party will do - even it if makes the birthday boy uncomfortable.
Since she is not concerned about your comfort, then don't be concerned about her event - leave when YOU are ready - not when MIL gives you her official by-her-leave.
I would call her and tell her that you've given this quite abit of thought and it just will not work. Tell her your husband is expecting to spend time with them and his brother and will not be comfortable with the neighbors. Remind her that your husband doesn't see his brother often enough and wants to spend the time with him. Tell her you'll be leaving for home at x time because of work the next day. Tell her you're sorry that you didn't say this earlier and know that this will cause her difficulty but that this is the way it is. Ask her to cancel the party.
If she doesn't I suppose you'll have to tough it out but I'd still leave at a reasonable time. The party is really for her and so leaving shouldn't be a problem but if it is, oh, well.
And next time be upfront and tell her no at the beginning. It sounds like you go along with her and you need to stop doing that. Be assertive, say what you need and stick with it.
Tell him about the party. Since it starts at 3 PM and you have a 2 hours drive home, plan to leave MIL's home at around 5-6 PM. Just say sorry but we need to be going now we have an early day tomorrow. Thanks everyone and go. If she blows up okay, let her. She is being insensitive, immature and uncaring.
If she trys to stop you from leaving say rather loudly, hubby is uncomfortable and hates parties with so many people he doesn't know. he would be much more comfortable meeting her neighbors in very small groups or one on one. -------- In other words say something to let her friends know she way overstepped boundries.
Are you sure you are writing about your MIL b/c I could SWEAR you are writing about mine! :-) Another mom a while back posted about her DH ex wife being a narcissitic birth mother. So I looked up the definition of "Narcissistic Personality Disorder" and immediately called my DH to inform him I'd figured out what was the issue with his mom. Sounds like your MIL might fit the definition as well. Perhaps Google it and see what you think. As for what to do, I'd personally not go, actually my DH would refuse to go as soon as I told him what she was up to. My MIL is NOTORIOUS for inviting inappropriate people to our family gatherings. She likes to show off her wonderful family to all her project people. We all cannot stand it and my DH has put his foot down about it. If you haven't told your DH yet I think you should tell him and ask him what he wants to do. I see nothing wrong with coming up with a reason you suddenly cannot go. I hope it all works out for the best.
Mamazita and others are right: This is HIS battle. You need to let him fight it. If he does not fight it -- you and he both are going to be miserable for more years to come.
Is your husband so very introverted that he cannot even manage to sit down with his own mother and tell her: "I am 100 percent truly unhappy in groups of people I do not know well. I know you love parties and inviting people I do not know well. You do not seem to understand that you are making me very uptight when you do this, which is why I'm tellng you very clearly: I do not like groups of strangers, and your neighbors and friends are strangers to me. I like to visit YOU and be with YOU. We will visit you but if you ask over people we don't know, we have the right to leave."
Mom does not BELIEVE he doesn't like these events because she loves them and does not have any concept of anyone thinking differently on the subject. Be aware! This is not going to change. She is going to be all offended and huffy and wounded. Deal with it. But can your husband deal with it? If he has said nothing all this time, I would wager he is scared of upsetting mommy.
Regarding this weekend: I think it would be juvenile to call and claim you're all sick when you are not, or to turn up and then leave when his "surprise" begins. He, not you, needs to call mom and say, I know you are having folks over but we must leave at 4:00 no matter what else is going on. Yes, he will have to tell her that you blew the whistle on her "surprise." Are you willing to live with the inevitable passive-aggressive things she will then do to get back at you? I think you probably are since you don't care for her at all.
But this is his battle to fight once and for all and he needs to do it. If he is so introverted he cannot, and if he expects you to do this for him - even if he is not saying so out loud -- he needs counseling big-time and needs to get a backbone.
You say he thinks this is normal because this is how his family has always been. Gee. Another big reason for some counseling for him. He needs to hear from someone besides you that this is not normal, for a parent to make a child this uncomfortable -- and for an adult child to be so unwilling to stand up for himself.
