Ok so a while back I put a post up asking for advice on locating a person. My husbands biological father. My husband said he always thinks about him and wonders what he is like.
Tryin to get a professional to locate him would have been around $700 or more!!
Omg ladies.. I FOUND HIM!!!!!
I sent out an email to an address that was linked to a site that hasn't been used in 3 years.
I sent it about 2-3 weeks ago. This morning I actually got a response!! Oh wow I am so nervous, so excited and scared all at once. I'm now waiting to find out if he even wants anything to do with his biological son. I've been checking my email & phone all day. I feel paranoid lol
Oh my husband has always wanted to find his father, but never thought he could. I didn't tell my husband I found him. Didn't want to tell him just in case his bio father wants nothing to do with him.
I was just curious...for anyone that has been adopted or has been reunited with a biological family member after adoption etc any tips or advice on the best way to continue if his father wants to?? I want to make sure I do this the right way.
Oh i should have added. My DH found his bio mother when he was younger. When he was bout 15 his bio mother told him she didn't want to have anything to do with him. I'm not doing this thinking it will all be rainbows and sunshine. I am very aware of the possibility of rejection or lies. Thanks and keep it coming!
We know where my husband's bio-dad is, but we haven't made contact because honestly he walked out when my husband was 10 and never made contact again...EVER.
We are concerned we might open a can of worms we don't want...
Please let us know how is goes!!
We found my husbands bio-mom in May of 2004 (about 2 months before we were due with our first child). Everything was fine and dandy for a while. She lived about an hour away and we would alternate visiting each other. She seemed really happy to have been reunited and to be able to be involved with her first grandchild. She slowly stopped coming over, using excuses like "I can't afford gas for my car". We'd still make our visits a couple times a month and DH would call her at least once a week. After her visits started to become fewer so did her phone calls. It ended up a very one sided relationship with my DH being the only one to make contact. He eventually stopped. Fast forward about a year or so, DH and I were visiting some family not far from where his bio-mom lived and DH had to be rushed to the hospital (which was about 4 miles from bio-mom's house) due to acute Pancreatitis. After he was admitted I decided to call his bio-mom to let her know. For the four days he was in the hospital she didn't even call him or come see him.
I tell you this because not all reunions end with happily ever after. My DH will tell you he isn't bothered by this, but that isn't true. It hurt. He was hurt as a child when she walked away and he was hurt as an adult when she did it again. If I have anything to do with it, she won't have the chance to do it a third time. I don't think DH regrets finding her, it answered a lot of questions. His dad bullied his bio-mom into walking away and giving up custody. But now he is left to wonder why she would throw this chance away a second time. He never asked her for anything, never asked for money or anything else. He only asked to know each other. The only good thing that came out of this is that now he knows and no longer has to wonder.
This girl I went to high school with just recently reunited with her birth mother. She was adopted as soon as she was born (her mom was YOUNG)... well, as an adult, she wanted to try to find her mom. She contacted her, like you, via email, and her mom didn't want anything to do with her. She was disappointed, but wrote back 'Well I respect that, here's my info if you ever change your mind'... well that must have struck a heart string, because 4 days later her mother showed up ON HER DOORSTEP. And now they're friends :)
My point is, you (and your husband) have to support his dad's decision no matter what... but I'm really, REALLY hoping for a positive outcome :) Keep us posted! I'm excited for you!! :)
My first tip, make sure he is the father. People love to make scams out of people's emotions. You can't just assume, it happens ALL the time. Second, you might encourage a counseling session with your husband. The reason being, they might never bond. This is common. They are people who are related, but have no ties. They might not even like each other. This can be devastating, and he really needs to be as emotionally prepared as one can be. He needs to be prepared for pain, because no matter what happens there will be pain involved. He will likely find out why he is adopted. The father could have a family, and it could make your husband feel all kinds of emotions. The father might have lived a hard life. There are all kinds of scenarios that would be hard to deal with. Often bio parents can't handle this new relationship, and decide to discontinue contact.
I'm sorry to sound so mean, but this is the reality. Meeting bio parents very rarely goes how one imagines. Seriously though, make sure the man is the father. Ask for personal info only the father would know, any documents he might have, anything that is proof.
I have never wanted to meet my biological parents, I just wanted all the information about them. Ya know, genetics and all that.
If I found out Troy found my parents and they didn't want to meet me it wouldn't bother me in the least. It has always been a possibility and a rational one, that they wouldn't want to bring up the past.
I think people mistakenly attribute feelings like we were abandoned by our parents, or that we feel they didn't want to give us up so of course they would want to find us. That somehow we would be crushed if they didn't want to meet us. I am sure there are some adopted kids that feel that way but only enough to fill a couple Maury shows or something.
I would find it quite funny if I came home one night and Troy said hey hun, found your parents. I would probably tell him but I dropped them off there on purpose, speaking of my parents. :p Then there would be awkward silence.....so.....now what?
So yeah you may want to have some plan worked out with his dad.
I hope my son never tries to find his bio-dad. He is a jerk, abusive, alcoholic, and a drug user. He signed over his rights years ago. I think that if a parent has signed over their rights to their child then they are saying they want nothing to do with the child....ever. I hope this isn't your case, but it certainly could be. This guy may want something to do with your husband, but he may be a really awful man....I hope not.
L.
At the risk of sounding like Debbie Downer........
I would be a little careful honestly. Just because your husband says he wants this........ he has not decided to take these steps. This could be an emotional roller coaster you weren't counting on. I would just advise you to be careful and talk to your husband before you give the "dad" much info. I would not keep any of it a secret from my husband. That could cause resentment. This is your husbands "thing" after all.
I know a couple of people who sought "natural" parents. Proceed with caution. Could be just great....... or may not feel "connected" at all.
Wow, I remember your original post! That is so cool? What was the site?
Let us know what happens!
I know several people who were adopted...some of them I know well. It seems to me that the questions adopted people have are harder than rejection. So, I would tell your husband. If biodad rejects him, at least your husband can take time to get over his hurt/anger and then put the issue to rest once and for all and stop wondering.
