So I Told My Fiance...

I am confused, what does one step back mean? Are you trying to move back home with the baby? If so, I can see why he is upset with you not only wanting to leave but take the newborn too. Why do you want to go home, and how far away is home? What happened between you two that you are not happy with?

Because YOU are the one that said it was not working out. If it had been the other way, you may have felt betrayed..

This is pretty normal response. when you tell someone you are not happy being with them. It does not make it any easier.

His pride is hurt. He is the father of a child you love, but do not love him.. he is hurt and insulted.

You have to follow your heart and brain. If there is a chance and you really want to try to work on this, here is your opportunity. If you are certain that there is no way you are willing to give this 100% of your energy, move on.

TRY to keep it civil. Tell him you respect him. that you want to work on being good parents to your child and you are willing to work with him on keeping a healthy relationship for your child's sake and then do it..

I am sending you peace.

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Hi my friend, I am am mother of an almost 8 year old, I have been with my husband for almost 9 years and we have been married for 7. Do the math and you will see I was once in the same kind of situation as yourself. Talk about moving fast, lol. So you not only are getting to know each other, your also learning to live with each other, not to mention learning to be parents. Each one of these are huge commitments and overwhelming, let alone trying to do all 3 at once which is what we have in common. I too tried to take a step back, while I was pregnant, because everything was going so fast and I was trying my hardest to adapt but was overwhelmed with merging my life with a new person and all of a sudden playing house with someone who also was trying to wrap his head around all these new found responsibilities. I think considering the life changes everyone is going through you may want to cut him some slack. He is learning to be a couple and be a father just the same as you are learning to be a "wife", a mother and adjust to your new living situation. Take a minute to way his pros verse cons, he did not bolt when you found out you were pregnant, he loves you enough to freak out on the thought of you leaving, and he is on the same learning curve as you. I waited to get married until my son was a year old. We had to figure our selves out as a couple still and I did not want to rush it. I did stay together and do the hard work that is required to join 2 lives together. Please just give yourself the piece of mind that you have done all you can before leaving a relationship that includes a child. Would I still be with my old man if we didn't start off with a kid, I don't know. But I do know that if I could have picked someone to be the father to my son, I would pick him every time. I hope everything works out for you guys. Sorry for the novel :)
P.S. Regarding the inlaws, This is a very common problem. Stand your ground now and realize that she is also adjusting to becoming 2nd place. Just stand up for yourself and try to be friends. The majority of us have had to go through the same thing with our MIL.

Of course you feel stuck...unfortunately in this particular circumstance the cart was put before the horse. If you stay with him or if you decide to go on with life without baby's daddy, you really need to work on you.

If I planted a seed in the ground, waited two days and then dug it up to see if it were growing. It could never grown like that.This is pretty much what you have done here. It is wonderful that you now want to take the time to get to know him but you have already given up so much to this man and why? (Rhetorical question.)

The true question here is if this is a salvagable situation or even better question, what would be in the best interest of your son. Children learn by what is taught and what is caught. How much respect does this man have for you? How much respect and love do you have for you. Real love requires respect. Respect isn't a thing that can be demanded of anyother but commanded of another. If I want someone to respect me I don't let them treat me disrespectfully.

Why did you think it was a good idea for you to give up your job, car, lifestyle to move into a stranger's world? (Once again rhetorical question.) I don't need answers to these questions I'm asking you but I think that as you begin to answer these questions for yourself, it may lead you to make better decisions about what direction you want your future to go in.

He doesn't understand what is going on because he is perfectly fine with falling into be with someone in a short period of time and everything else that has transpired between the two of you. The thing with the car is just a conrolling and power move. Many mother's don't have cars but they make it work. It isn't easy but you do what you must as a mom. I really hope this post didn't hurt you but helps you. I'm wishing the best for you and your baby and his father understanding that the two of you together at this time might not be the best and it may take time to get there.

It sounds like he is trying to control you. I would be very nervous about a man who would treat me like that. I would go ahead and step back. It will show his character to you even clearer. I hope he steps up and is perfectly kind and decent to you. But, if not, be thankful that you are away from him. You do not owe him anything as far as the car is concerned. His name is on the loan. It will reflect on his credit history if he defaults on the loan. However, you should be prepared that it might be repossessed at some point. You might consider selling it and using the money to get yourself another car if things go south quickly with him. If you sell it, then he has nothing he can do to force payment out of you. Unfortunately, this is one of those consequences for doing things in the order that you did them in. From the math, it sounds like you got pregnant within a month of knowing him. I am not saying that your child is not a blessing. I know that he is. But, as you are seeing, perhaps you rushed too quickly into that type of a relationship with a man you barely knew. I hope it works out well for you!

Good for you for talking with him about stepping back. His reaction to this situation may be indicative of his reaction to many situations when things don't go his way.

Did you tell him you thought the car was a gift? I believe I would. It's rather unreasonable to me to think he would expect you now to pay for it as you never asked for it. Beyond that, is a more important thing to consider - is this how he will handle things in the marriage? Will there be joint decision making? - I'm not so sure it's just being petty, it may be that as well as wanting control.

You raise some good questions that I give back to you. Why can't he say I love you, that I support you knowing you've given up your job and moved to help make our new family work and that this must be difficult?

How is he with your son? Does he pitch in? Willing to do his part?

I'm sure you do feel stuck. Keep gathering info as you step back. Trust it will all unfold and you will gain clarity of the situation. - btw - good for you for not rushing things right now. You won't regret it!

I think probably his reaction was because he was shocked. While women react to things with tears and outward emotions, guys tend to shut down. If something doesn't go their way, or it feels like a conflict it's easier to just walk away. That's not to say he doesn't love you and your son, but he can't just say "I understand.." because he doesn't. Don't just write it off, hang on.

Have another conversation, if you think you're going to get emotional or he's going to get angry write him a letter. Sometimes it's easier to say what needs saying on paper. He may have focused on the financial stuff because numbers are easier than feelings. That's how guys are hardwired different.

Just make sure you want this to work. If you are feeling like you need couselling or help, what are your reasons? Sometimes, when we look really hard at our reasons for wanting to fix things, we realize we want to turn them into a dream that isn't there, or that they aren't fixable. Sometimes, all they need is a tweek and they're ok. I don't know what your situation is, but just take a good look at your heart and know that either way, whatever you decide you'll be ok!

Good luck and let us know how it goes!

I agreed to stay with the father of my child, but would not marry him until I was ready. It took two years for that to happen. I suggest a long engagement. Don't set a date for the wedding, but I do suggest you stay, and take the marriage off the table for the time being. I also suggest going to couples therapy, if only to have an objective perspective. Use this time to become friends, with the goal being the two of you raising the child together, even if you ultimately separate. He's confused too, try to work through this together.

You are both in a tough spot. He is probably reacting this way because he is hurt and feels he has no control of the situation...which I think is how you may feel with staying there. Although you wouldn't keep his child from him, by moving back it wouldn't be as easy as it is when living in the same home.

Not judging or saying what you should do because you have to do what is best for you, your child, and your family as a whole (your fiance is forever part of your family since you have a child together)...just giving you another perspective.

It sounds like you have a lot of issues. Was this always a long-distance relationship? And now you're discovering you didn't really know him? I did that -- that's why long-distance relationships are usually not a good thing.

Anyway, you do have a child together - so it would be best for your child to try to work it out.

And the reason he can't say "I understand how this feels to you... etc. etc. is because men usually can't and don't say things like that, and the sooner you stop expecting that the better off you will be. That's womanspeak, not manspeak.

And if your daughter grows up without her father there is a very good chance you will face the consequences of that when she is a teen, no matter how great a mother you are.