K.R.
"My husband tells me that it's up to me to learn what we need to know and to implement it... just fill him in later. My mom also lives with us and her patience level is nill. She expects my kids... all of them... to respond with obedience the first time every time. I keep telling her she's living in a dream world."
IMHO, the other "parents" in your family need to step up to the reality/responsibility plate.
If you want to be, or due to circumstances need to be, the point person on this, fine, but your husband shouldn't just dump it on you (it's clearly too much and hello, isn't he one of their parents too?).
And ask your mom when has she ever, in her WHOLE LIFE, changed how she behaves because one person (who was not even her actual mom or dad!) told her to stop or start or change?!? (This was an enlightening question in a parenting class I took once ;) ). Certainly it sounds like her ability to listen to you *and your families ***NEEDS*** * isn't affecting instant useful change. If *grownups* (you, me, her) can't (and we *can't*) change from one directive, kids certainly can't. ("Reality is that which does not change, no matter how much you want it to.")
We figured out on of my brothers was high-functioning after we were all adults. 'Sure did explain a lot of things that happened growing up ;)!! (SIGH.) Several of us in the family liked Temple Grandin's first(?) book, maybe called "a cow's-eye view" (I forget if that was the final title or the working title). Temple Grandin is high-functioning (and female--useful to your situation!) ... and while I happen to suspect that a lot of what she presents as "universal" experience for autistics is not universal, her views are very informative and she has been deeply involved with autism organizations and presents a good swath of the experiences she has heard from others as well.