Snotty Little Girl

The homeless man WAS stinky.

It sounds like your son's drawings WERE scribbles.

It sounds like the mom is trying to teach her daughter not to run around 'shouting the truth' / hurting other people's feelings / trying to teach empathy. AKA she's reprimanding her.

To me that sounds like a GOOD thing.

ADDED:

Do know, a LOT of kids, although definitely the minority struggle with drawing and writing. My son's one of them, although your son sounds like he probably isn't. Some kids just don't like drawing (which would be easier than seeing someone criticize something your son DOES like, but isn't very good at yet), and some kids -like my son- just can't. He can do a lot of really amazing things, but drawing isn't one of them, and writing isn't on the list of things he can do well, either. He has no problems with fine motor skills, he has a LOT of problems with 2d representation. Can't do 2d puzzles, or tangrams, either. (Although he has amazing 3d skills, and can do 3d puzzels so fast he looks like he's randomly grabbing pieces, and *bam* done). He's gotten a lot of flack over those 2d puzzles/drawings/handwriting by both sneering and well intentioned people (kids and adults) over the years. 2 things we've worked on are

1) Anyone starting out, or learning, isn't going to know as much as someone who's been doing it for months or years &

2) People are good at different things.

Why am I bringing this up? Because you can't make your friend use a different 'catch phrase' when she's disciplining her daughter/ can't control other people... but you CAN keep the spark going in your son if his confidence wavers. It may or may not. If he DOES star getting upset that the other kids are better than he is...

... you point out #1. "SuzyQ's been drawing for THREE YEARS. Wow. Can you imagine where you'll be at in THREE MORE YEARS??? You'll be a big 7yo! Wow. You'll x, y, z, a, b, c. by then!"

... and then invoke #2 "You know JohhnyB? He doesn't even LIKE to draw! But he likes (insert something your kid hates). But you hate (insert the same thing) and love drawing! We all like different things. And we're all learning."

Katie did not put down your son. She gave her opinion. You felt put down. So why would you want to say something to someone else to put them down?

Well, your son was scribbling. Did you want the mother to tell the daughter to lie? Bite your tongue is slang for that's not a nice thing to say. I suggest it's important to teach honesty. I would not reprimand a child for being honest. It was ugly in her opinion. So what?

How about you teach your son that not everyone is going to like what he does? That just because someone else doesn't like it doesn't mean it's not pretty. Teach him to appreciate his own work and not be concerned with the judgement of others.

Same with the homeless man. He is smelly. Many homeless people would probably agree. But it's not polite to say that. So "bite your tongue." Mother is teaching daughter to not say those things while allowing her to be honest.

After your SWH, I suggest that you are very sensitive to what you perceive as criticism. I feel sad for you. Life, just doesn't have to be this tough.

I said your son was scribbling because you said he was scribbling. No one was being judgmental about scribbling. No one said that scribbling is a negative way to color.

You believe in acceptance and encouragement. Can you try to accept this little girl and her mother as they are? Can you get involved and, without anger or frustration, tell the little girl that when she says that you feel bad and ask her to keep negative comments to herself? When you act in an accepting way, you can be a positive influence on this little girl.

I suggest that your son would not be upset if you were able to keep from being so upset. I go back to teach him that his scribbles are beautiful. It doesn't matter what anyone else says.

To me..."bite your tongue" is just like saying "shut up, be quiet, shush" or any other way of saying, "don't say that". Sounds fine to me. Reprimand means to tell your kid not to say something and that's what she is doing in her own way. You can and I would have butt in and say, "Oh, that's not very nice" when she said that.
L.

Right now you sound more insulting than this mom. Get over it. Life is too short. Bite your tongue is just a way of saying not to say everything a person thinks. You can't tell people what to think!

i wouldn't read anything into what Katie's mom said, I honestly think she WAS reprimanding her, in her way, which since it's not YOUR way, you didn't like. We are all moms (and dads) and we all raise our children differently, there isn't just one right way. Were you to say something to the mom next time she said "Bite your tongue," I believe you would be out of line.

Your job is to bolster your son's self-confidence by praising his coloring, even if it truly does look like scribbles, to encourage him to keep coloring, and if someone says something hurtful, (which will inevitably happen, such is life) tell him it doesn't matter what others say, it really doesn't.

We are all faced with challenges of some sort, maybe Katie's is her words and how she uses them, and her mother's job is to deal with her. If Katie is truly snotty and mean keep your son away from her, tell him she's not an appropriate playmate. Stop being so negatively defensive unless you want it to rub off on him, and remember, Katie is "4ish," cut her some slack, give her time to grow up as you would like others to do with your son.

Ummm, we all think those things, we just have that filter that tells us that it's not nice to say those things out loud. She is being honest with her child and helping her develop that filter. I can go to a food bank and help all kinds of people and be thinking MY GOD THIS PERSON STINKS SO BAD I AM ABOUT TO PUKE!!!! and not say anything because I know they may be living in circumstances that prohibit cleanliness. I know better than saying those words out loud but I still think them, loudly sometimes....

Kids are terribly honest, they haven't learned to lie well yet. She will eventually get the idea and not say it out loud.

I agree she could tell her daughter all kinds of things but why would this one bother you so much? What would you prefer she say or do?

You need to be more concerned about teaching your son not to get upset with what others say. I know this little girl and her mom upset you, and that makes your mama bear come out. I can be the same way. But you can't protect your son his entire life. Its better to teach him how to be self confident no matter what others say to him. You can't reprimand every child who ever says something unkind to him. Maybe this other mom is not a good fit as a friend. It sounds like you have different parenting styles and that can make a friendship hard. Maybe its time to distance yourself a little. But teach your child that he is wonderful no matter what anyone says! Good luck.

Nothing...."bite YOUR tongue", you don't know what that mama is saying to Katie when they are alone. Since you say you LIKE Katie's mother, is there a reason that you feel YOUR parenting skills are better then HER's?

If your little one has learned about compassion, perhaps he will be Katie's best teacher.

Blessings.....

I can relate completely with your wish to protect and nurture your son's pleasure in drawing. As an artist myself, I can tell you that the most important thing is to enjoy the process. The final outcome may not be something I'll want to hang on a wall, but if I loved DOING it, it was worthwhile.

I also wonder whether the other mom didn't wasn't just being honest and recognizing that her daughter shouldn't say everything that she thinks. That doesn't mean she can stop thinking it, but simply that she should keep it to herself. For all you know, the mom may have discussions with her daughter about judging other people. It's more respectful to a child to have those talks one-on-one, and if we treat our child with respect, they will be more likely to treat others with respect. But kids are sometimes so honest they are rude. It takes awhile to learn how not to blurt. I know a few adults who will most likely be blurters all their lives (my mom being one).

The phrase "Bite your tongue" is very possibly something this woman is repeating from her own childhood. To her, it may mean "Shut up, that's not appropriate." Or, "Stop doing that – I'll tell you why later."

How would it work if somebody told you to stop judging that little girl "snotty?" Could you do it? Probably not in the moment. And you're a grownup!

Ugh.
Nothing hurts worse than to hear someone say or do something mean to our kid(s).
Mean, nasty people are everywhere.
She has already revealed her true colors to you.
Ignore it and her. It's not worth your time. Neither is she.
How did your son react? Possibly this bothered you more than him?

I'm afraid you might have to take the mother's advice and "bite your tongue". Of course you have every right to be upset. We all love our children and never want anything negative to be said or done to them. I know it is natural to want to protect your son but I think the best example you can set for him is not to stoop to that level. As far as the mom telling her child to bite her tongue, I don't think she meant it in agreement with her. I think she truly meant that her daughter need not express her opinions when they are hurtful. That doesn't mean she shares the same opinion.

If you like the mom, let it go. How does your son feel about this little girl? If he isn't really bothered by her, then continue hanging out. If your son doesn't like this little girl and is getting hurt by her, I would limit time spent with them.

If you really can't let it go, talk to the mom calmly and tell her how you feel. Remember though, she will naturally want to defend her little one as well.

I wish you the best. :)

At first I thought you were overdoing it about the scribbling because she really didn't mean to agree, she was just blurting a general reprimand... but if that's her general attitude about things, like, whatever her child is saying is "right" she just needs to bite her tongue, then voila. You see why the child isn't so nice. And neither is the mom.

Every time my kids have made a mis-statement about someone's appearance, we always have a talk afterwords-or right then if the situation permits- about why certain things are the way they are, and why it's important not to talk about appearances or hurt feelings and stuff. Everyone has feelings, etc. At 5 and 3, my oldest two TOTALLY get it, and we have a lot of those talks to prepare them how to perceive others. It's important they learn how to PERCEIVE and respect others, not just "hold their tongues". I took them to an art opening last night where lots of the work was creepy and ghoulish and scary (not in a Halloween, way, but the elderly artist is a brooding soul). Well my kids know NEVER to insult creative expression and have been to many art shows. My 5 year old approached the artist and said, "I love your very stormy work, but some of the pictures make me sad" all on her own. He is in poor health and it brought tears to his eyes and pointed her out and bragged about her comment all night...OK sorry for bragging :)

ANYWAY, you might like this lady, but she's not teaching her daughter how to be nice and think before she talks. Some people think they are great and everyone else needs picking apart in private even though they need to "hold their tongues" in public. She doesn't sound serious about her child being nice. I would let the coloring comment go-your son's coloring is fine and has nothing to do with them, but you're right....not nice! It would be hard to say something to her since she'll say she technically DID reprimand Katie....then you'll have to tell her why what SHE said hurt YOUR feelings. That could be tricky, but if you're brave, tell her you felt like she was agreeing with Katie and insulting your son's coloring by just telling her to keep quiet rather than telling her to be understanding (but that's definitely a parenting dig so beware). But a lady like this will just think you're at fault. She'll be sorry when your son is the next Salvador Dali!

Have you asked the mom what she means when she tells her daughter this? Perhaps this is what she was taught as a girl, instead of "be quiet". She may have no idea that someone else takes her remark to mean that she is agreeing with her daughter.

Make yourself feel better. Ask! You can say it without being upset, right? Then tell her how you feel and use the example of your son. Tell her it hurt your feelings. (That's better than telling her it made you mad.)

You might make her think twice about saying it to her daughter if she realizes that others take it the way you have. Or, she's a jerk and will disregard your feelings and throw it in your face. That's when you will know what kind of person she is (snotty little girl in a woman's body).

At least Katie's mom said SOMETHING to her. I know moms that completely turn a blind eye when their kids are being mean to others. They sit there and say NOTHING. So, while what she said could be said better in another way, at least she's trying to reprimand her. If it bothers you that much, you could say "Katie, a good rule of thumb is that if you can't say anything nice, it's better to not say anything at all".

I always thought "bite your tongue" meant not to say out loud what your thinking when it isn't nice or appropriate..

I seriously doubt, given your description, the mother meant she agreed. I think she was telling her kid to shut up. Maybe you should ask her.

Yeah, I'm sure the girls drawing was an undiscovered Picasso.
Can't people just draw/doodle/color and have fun without an art critic making comments?
Next time she pipes up, before her Mom can chip in, tell her if she can't say anything nice she should say nothing at all.
It's sort of what her Mom is saying, but her Mom isn't coming across with her message very well (and she sounds a bit snotty herself).

My first thought on this is "bite your tongue" could mean many, many things in their family. I understand the mama bear part about the girl putting down your son's writing when he has had struggles, teach him some witty comebacks. If it is an appropriate time you could say something to guide this child by a good example. For example, when she spoke of the homeless man, you could have said that it is unfortunate that he doesn't have a home and how lucky we are to have one with bedrooms and a nice shower.

I cringe when sometimes, my daughter is frank with adults and children alike. My 6 other children were not so much. She told a playmate that he had yellow teeth. I'm thinking maybe because she heard it from me when I told my 12 yr. old that he needed to brush. Anyway, these are teaching moments! Art is in the eye of the beholder, really! If you could see some of the things out there that are called ART, you would not feel so bad. To someone or more, the sink trap at the Phil. Museum of Art that is named "God" is real art to them. Anyway, my boys never really liked coloring much. It took my 12 year old a long time to write. He would be in tears and his sentences for school work were as short as possible. LOL It sounds pretty normal to me. As for your sensitivity, you are doing a wonderful job parenting, don't worry. The fact that you were bothered at all tells me that you care about your son ~ and the little girl.

I think I will bite my tongue and not say what I think about that inept mother and snotty daughter. Don't let that woman know it bothers you. If this little girl does it again.. just say to your son in front of these two.. remember how we discussed billies and the fact that they don't like themselves so they put other people down so that they feel better than them? This is what I was talking about. Bite your tongue means exactly what your motherly insticts were screaming at you.

A....I didn't read other moms posts, but wanted to put in my 2 cents! I have worked w/ kids for over 9 yrs and have taken all the childcare classes and in them, I learned that kids coloring how they want is perfect! The minute we start to tell them to "color inside the lines" or to do things a certain way (when it isn't necessary...like coloring a picture) we limit their creativity! What looks like scribbles to an adult, might be a pirate ship or a map or a train to the child coloring the picture. It makes sense to them...and our encouragement should be "I like the way you used different colors." or "You did a good job using the whole sheet of paper."

The quickest way to shut a child down is to tell them they did it wrong! And as far as what the other mom said "bite your tongue." I am thinking she doesn't realize that it sounds a little offensive and should be worded differently. If you are close enough to her, you might want to say something directly to her and if not, the next time she says it to her daughter in your presence, I wouldn't hesitate to say something about how it's not nice to say things like that, it hurts peoples feelings. Good luck and don't let anyone w/ a negative comment to you or your son get to you...they don't know you! (and btw, it is my experience, that boys seem to pick up writing and coloring skills a little later than girls anyway! Not that they can't do it just as well, if not better, just a little later!)