My grandbabies have been sleeping over at my home, sometimes mom stays with them, sometimes just them. We only live 3 miles from their home. They are 3 and 4 years old. The last couple times my 4 year old grandbaby has wanted to go home at bedtime, which to me was not a problem, nor has it been a problem for her mother. My husband on the other hand thinks this is terrible and we should make her stay. He says this is going to turn into a bad habit that will continue. Her mother and I say this is her being 4 and when this happened she has been concerned, her mom has been ill and her family dog has also been sick and recently died.
My thoughts on this behavior is that this is very normal from time to time with any child and they will be fine when life calms down or they are ready. This has been a huge issue in our home and has caused a lot of conflict. I do hope someone has some advice that will help make sense of this. To me this is a non issue made into an issue. I have never had any problem with any child when my kids were growing up with sleep overs, or with the grand babies. If they want to go home, then I say let them go home, this is not worth causing a child stress. Especially when parents are home and are in favor of them returning. Please advise. Thank you.
Thanks so very much for all the advice! Nothing has resolved because unfortunately there are other issues. My grandbaby has spent the night here since she was born her brother has as well. I believe this is a phase that if the adults elevate the importance the children will suffer. Along with me. I do not like not being able to watch the babies when they are not in pre school. My husband and I have very different views on raising children. He raised a daughter and I raised a son and daughter. I respect the parents and use many of the same rules by trying to support and reinforce what the parents establish in their home as my guide. Which is mainly common sense, safety and respect ie no hitting, etc. So
I believe the issues my husband and I have over the grandbabies goes far beyond a sleep over. I plan on letting my grandchildren stay at my home as often as I can - even if it means I drive them home at midnight.
I agree with you, if the child wants to go home then let them go home, when they feel ready they will stay. Grandpa needs to let this one go.
I agree. My son (10) just started sleep overs about 2 yrs ago at friends homes. And my daughter (7) often sleeps at her grandmothers. Yes, I know the friends parents & they live a very short distance from us. But just last night my son slept at a friends house & told me today that his friend was always being yelled at by his dad. (I know kids can exaggerate).. I asked my son if he felt scared & he said no. But I have always told my children no matter where they are (friends, grandmas) wherever, if they feel uncomfortable, or just want to come home, I dont care what time it is I will come get them. No Problem. Home Is Where the Heart Is !! :) Blessings to All
I am 100 percent with you and the mom. Your right...there really is no point in making the kid stressed and she most certainly sounds like a typical 4 year old. Now my answer would be different if it was let's say a two hour drive but it's a mere 3 minutes. Yes your husband has turned this non issue into an issue.
I think you are right-- this is not a big deal.
Your four year old granddaughter isn't setting up a 'bad habit' of going home... but really, why would anyone WANT to keep a kid when they are 'done'?
If you don't let her go home, what will happen is that she may stop wanting to come for sleepovers at all. She may lose trust that she cannot ask for what she needs and have her needs met, so she might just decide not to do it, period. It may be that your granddaughter has anxiety right now (from the events you describe) and needs to physically see mom to know she's okay... and this may be reassurance enough. I mean, the dog was sick and died-- how can she NOT put something together in her head where she might associate mom's being sick with the potential for dying? That is how four year olds think and make connections in their heads!
What exactly does your husband object to? The change in plans? Is he feeling like the adults are letting the kids call the shots? Does he not remember that, likely, your own kids went through phases which were annoying but did pass? (The 'weird noise phase', which passes, only to be followed up by the 'throat clearing' phase or 'nosepicking phase'...? :) )
Hopefully, usually, none of these phases are permanent--often based in anxiety or stress--, but does he remember, the more we FIGHT our kids in these instances, fight to control them in their phases, those actions/stresses only WORSEN for the child?
Sounds like a control issue to me- your husband wants to be in charge of the situation and appears to be unwilling to see it any other way.
I think you should continue to follow your grandchilden's lead and let them go home when they are ready. If you husband continues to push them too hard, eventually they may not want to come over at all.
You sound like an amazing grandma- please keep doing what you know is best for your grandkids!
It's normal and if she wanted to go home from a sleepover then it's because she NEEDED to go home. If the sleepover was for fun and it could be accommodated then of course she should go home. If the sleepover was for necessity and/or couldn't be logistically accommodated for some reason then she'd have to cope with it.
I think your husband needs to have a little more compassion and empathy for the sweet little granddaughter. It's her Mommy's and Grandma's job to soothe her anxiety, not make it worse.
Grandpa is grandpa. He is not the parent.
The child should go home, not be held 'captive.'
Grandpa is having issues.
Parents should not have to battle or 'convince' Grandpa, to send their kids, home. Or let them be picked up.
Your Husband, is wrong.
They are little children.
They are young.
They have a right to go home.
And be with their own, parents.
i'm totally with you. sleepovers with grandma can be, should be and will be relaxed, fun, sweet opportunities. your situation is so perfect- if she's stressed, she can go home to mom, and as she gets older and less dependent, overnighters at your place will be the ideal Fun Night.
your husband clearly doesn't understand 4 year olds. he needs to step aside and let you and the parents handle it.
khairete
S.
I guess it kinda depends on who the kid is. I waited until mine asked to stay overnight at my mother's. Then, I knew that he was ready and felt safe. I don't know that it's possible to force a feeling of safety and security. In cases where he has no choice, I talk him through the experience. The key for us is that he knows that we will listen and hear him if he feels that he is in distress. Sometimes it's "nothing" but wanting to know that if he calls we'll answer.
I completely agree with you. I think your husband is just plain wrong to be turning this into an issue. Why does it even matter to him?
Of course let the child go home. There is no reason to stay, children are almost always more comfortable & happy in their own bed anyway, what is your husband thinking? Let him go sleep at someone else's house if he thinks it's so great :-(
I'd say to keep the peace in your own household it's time to have a little talk with the granddaughter. Little sibling can still come. You need to respect hubby but also help kiddo get over this behavior.
Tell her that she can come over any time she wants but spending the night, for now, is off limits. That she's not "ready" to do overnights yet and that it's okay. Some kids aren't ready even when they're a teenager. They just want to be home and in their own bed.
I bet after little sib coming over and spending the night she'll be ready to try again. Be sure and let her know that once she gets there she is staying until morning. Then don't back down.
You are right. Why force a little one to stay. That is a sure fire way to make sure they never stay over again. All little ones go thru this.
It can honestly go either way.
Either, as you & mom feel, or as grand dad feels.
It totally depends on the kid / adults involved.
Kid one, you're creating security
Kid two, you're validating unreasonable fears & creating insecurity.
Your husband, I suspect is seeing what you're doing as akin to the parent freaking out at preschool or kindergarten off.. Turning it into a traumatic event by justifying the kid's natural fears... Instead of underlining that this is a safe place to be. By sending your grandchild home, you're saying your house isn't safe, you and grand dad aren't safe, his parents aren't safe, etc. The pattern builds Because they aren't getting over their fears via adults assuring them they're fine, then things being fine, and having a great morning / learning assurance... Just like first day at K is hard, but after a few days, they're racing to the door excited to be there.
I have no idea which way things will go with your grandchild.
Either learned insecurity, or learned security is equally probable.
Depends in them & you.
BUT your husband has a totally reasonable position & point.
_____
Just read though other responses... There's a theme of kids always being most comfortable in their own bed.
That's not really true.
Or, rather, only true for kids who haven't been taught that its safe/fine to sleep elsewhere! That's what we were taught as kids (home, friends, family, trains, whatever. We travelled extensively with our parents. Anywhere they were OR that they left us (fam/ friends/ etc) was just as good as our own house.
I've done the same with my son. He can sleep anywhere (safe).
He has a lot of friends (at 11) who can't sleep anywhere but their own bed.
I had a lot of friend in the military, and then in college, who were MISERABLE not being able to sleep well anywhere but "home".
PERSONALLY I think it's important to teach that kind of trust.
But I'm not saying it has to be taught right now this second.
Just generally a good skill to have.
i think if you make your grandchild stay it will most likely back fire and they wont stay at all.
although my kids dont have that issue..
when i was a child two of my cousins had great diffuculty sleeping at family members houses. my mom had to drive my cousin home at midnignt. they lived 1 hr away. she didnt try to sleep at our house again for about 5 yrs.some kids just might have a problem..act like its not a big deal. i would let them return and eventually this will pass soon. good luck.
Yeah, it's a problem. You have two four year olds. Your H and your grandchild.
The great thing about being a grandma is this is the second generation you have seen raised. You have perspective to know what really matters and what is not a problem. It makes you sensitive to future outcomes.
I bet this is the first generation your H has seen a four yr old raised.
He doesn't have the experience to be calling the shots on this one.
Pipe down, Pa Pa. Logic takes a backseat to creating a grounded child.
There are times when spoiling a four yr old throwing a fit to go home, is a bad decision. In that case, they should go home at a convinient time for the adults. If its causing this big of a racket, separate the two four yr olds before the problem begins. Maybe 5 will be a better age to stay that long at grandmas.
