Sleep Advice - Raleigh, NC

There is a baby book that is a lot of help they sell it at Walmart and Target. It would help you with a lot of things.

Your children are definitely capable of sleeping through the night and would be much happier and healthier doing so. but they dont know how to do it on their own. The only way to handle this is to stop laying down with your children and stop the night feedings. period. spend no more than a minute talking with your children and tucking them in and then leave them. if they cry, its ok. that is normal. i promise you, after a night or two they will adapt and they will feel better and so will you. Lay them back down as many times as it takes for them to go to sleep. it gets easier every night. When its time for bed, my two year old brushes her teeth and gets herself into bed with her bear and tells me goodnight happily. Yours will too.
Ps. watch Nanny 911.

Cave in. Your husband is right. Your 13 month old probably needs to eat more calories during the day in order to sleep through the night. If she wakes up hungry, feed her, but make sure she eats better the next day. Also, check her teeth. Night feeding can lead to tooth decay or she might be teething. For your son, your husband is right. He needs to be trained to sooth himself without the paci. Stroking his hair, playing soft music, give him a lovely bear or blankie, a night light, anything to help him sooth. You can't expect him to learn this by himself. Once he learns, he'll sleep just fine without your help.

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Hi~
I guess my stance (as a 51 yr old grandma) is that mom's shouldn't 'cave in' (in your words) to their little kids. I was the youngest of 4 and I've raised 4, and the best advice my mom ever gave me about parenting was, "Don't say ANYTHING to a child unless you MEAN it" (and then, of course, follow through). It sounds as if you start out staunchly trying to make rules for yourself and then you give up. Either keep a 'whatever it takes' attitude ALL the time, or stick to your guns once you tell them something. Kids should NOT 'win'.

Maybe get a new lovie (stuffed animal, blanket, etc) of his choosing for your son, and work with that. And get "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" by Marc Weissbluth for yourself...well for all of you. Sweet Dreams :)

My daughter and son-in-law recently had the same problem with their 3-yr-old. He had slept with them since he was born so he wasn't used to sleeping alone. He had been off his paci since he was two, however, he took his sippy cup to bed with him at first. He would keep wanting more milk until they told him that his first cup was it, no more. He cried for about an hour every night for about two weeks, with my daughter or her husband going in there to check on him, to reassure him, every so often. He would also wake up during the night several times wanting mommy. They would go in, reassure him, then go back to bed. They never laid down with him or allowed him to get in bed with them. After about two months now, he goes straight to sleep, wakes about 5 in the morning and my daughter goes in and talks to him for a second, then he's up at 7. It was hard for me to hear him cry at first, but their strategy worked.

E., I hate to say this, but it's time for tough love...both the kids and daddy. I'm guilty of doing what your husband does...it's easier for him and he doesn't have to hear his children "suffer." However, for both your sanity and the best for the kids, I'll tell you what my husband made me do...I started on a friday night, where I had an entire weekend off, and let my son cry. He would come to my bed, I would walk him back to his, put him in bed, tuck him in and tell him goodnight. It happened for several nights until he finally got it. Now he is 4 and when he does come to my bed, I can offer to let him join daddy and me, and he says, no I want my bed. I love it even though now I could enjoy snuggling in the mornings as I'm not working.

For your daughter. I understand him wanting her to be comfortable, and giving the bottle is a comfort, however...you do realize that milk can cause enamel breakdown and cavities? If she absolutely can't handle not having something, try water. I personally threw all our bottles away when my kids turned 12 months, except my son who has a pacemaker sitting on his tummy. He can only eat small amounts several times a day, but only had water at night. The bottle went away during the day. I find it torturous to keep the bottles in the house where they may see them and be tempted...kinda like me with cookies. I know a few days missing sleep is hard, but you'll end up with major sleep issues for both of you due to lack of REM sleep from constant waking of the kiddos. They have to learn you mean business and now is the time. Kids are never too young to learn. I know your husband is going to have a very difficult time taking our advice. Mine had to physically restrain me from going to our daughter when she was crying at night. She was fine, and eventually fell asleep. I promise it will not hurt them...my son had vomiting with his tears but we still held strong and you know the results. My very best to you both and if you are not on the same page now, it could mean bigger trouble when they are say...13, like my oldest! I love having dad around for support! Take care!

Hey E.,
If the baby is still taking a paci, it is more difficult on the 3 year old. I never did the paci, as that was just an added habit to break, and the kids did fine. Before bedtime, give them both a cup of milk. Milk does help you to sleep and is nutritious, so it wont hurt them. Some of the 3 year old issue, could be, new baby taking attention too. Reasoning sometimes works.. like "this is your bed, and you are a big boy that doesnt need the paci", "this is Mommy's bed. You sleep in the big boy bed". Sometimes it doesnt work at all!! Sorry! Taking a bottle to bed up to 20 months is not bad. If it helps them to sleep, why not do yourself the favor!?!?

I agree with the others....it's time to get tough. That milk in the middle of the night will rot that baby's teeth and lead to ear infections. Try milk right before bed, brush teeth, rock for about 10 minutes, then off to bed. Let her cry it out. Three is a little late to get rid of the paci....Try rocking your son for about 10 min. before bed and some stories-maybe he just really needs some love and attention. Also try a teddy bear on his bed-to "stand guard" in case he gets nervous by himself and/or a night light. If he wakes up-send him right back to bed. You can do it...Good luck.

Hello E.,
I have done it both ways. My 4 year old was our baby. We didn't like the thought of her being alone in her bedroom crying and uncomfortable, so we would get up when she did and often bring her to our bed...which then turned into her sleeping with us always! With our 2 year-old, we just went straight for the crib. She is barely two and goes to bed at 8:00 every night and sleeps through the night--unless she gets cold or thirsty, the usual.
The bottom line is, your daughter lost an important soother when you took away the pacifier and that will have to be replaced by something else. You and your husband will have to determine whether you want your daughter to be able to soothe herself, or another object, like you, will have to do it for her. The sooner you can teach your children to self-soothe, the fewer objects your child will grow unhealthy attachments to. Just remeber how smart your daughter is...she is crying becuase she wants something--whether or not it is a need. I go with your husband; and the crying won't last forever.

Best of Luck,
I.

E.,
I have a 3yrs old son that never really liked sleeping in his crib. I converted the crib to the toddler bed when he was 1 then I went to a twin bed at 2yrs old. He has only slept throught the night a handful of times since he has been born. I also took his paci at 15 months. I do not have answers for you on how to get a sleep routine, I've read books, gotten advice from others... We read stories, brush teeth, and have lights out. I have also given my son blankets and stuff toys to bridge the gap and help with sleep. I currently still lay down with him every night. If I slip out of the bed before he is asleep he has always cried and now will ask "where are you going" and grab my arm to keep me in bed. We have attempted to let him "Cry it Out" for over two hours-just to return to him. Once he is asleep we can slip off to bed oursleves- but he will wake up and come to our room every night. I think it is a trail and error attempt to find what works. Good Luck and I hope good sleep. If you can find out any other techinques please pass on to me.

Both of my children used the paci until they were 18 months that was my cut off time. It was harder for my son than my daughter. I went a week of not getting full nights sleep to now getting sleep with only my son getting up maybe once or twice in a months time. You have to keep up the putting them back to bed and not giving in after a period of time. My husband tried the laying down thing with my son and it only made it worse. It is not easy to hear them crying it out because you know that just letting them get what they want is the easiest solution. However once they know that you are serious and you do not give into them then they will learn to sleep on their own. The longer you leave a child on the bottle or the paci the more attached they get to it and the worse it is to take it away. Both of my children love sleeping with their special blankets and that has helped a whole lot. Because they still have their security and a blanket is something you never have to take away. My daughter is 8 and she still sleeps with her blanket. Good luck it is not an easy road.

Our 8 month old never slept more than 3 hours at a time until I bought the sleep sense program from Dana Obleman-sp?. I ran across a site where she has you type in your babies age, weight, feeding and sleeping habits and then she gives you free advice.
If that is not enough...(it wasn't).. you can purchase her sleep training program online. I thought it might be a scam and put it off for 6 weeks. Finally I gave in and bought it. Best $35.00 I ever spent. Now baby "J" is sleeping 11 hours and taking 2 naps at schedules times every day. I can sing enough praises about this program!! She has advice for all ages from newborn to older children like yours. It only took 3-4 nights till ours was sleeping 100% better. Now after 2 1/2 weeks we feel like a huge burden has been lifted! Everyone is sleeping and relieved! I am the grand mother and my daughter lives with us. We shared the night shift, every other night, waking and rocking and feeding but I was worried that my daughter would not be able to start back to school this semester if baby J was not sleeping so I bought "sleep sense" just before Christmas. Basically you have to stick to a strict schedule day and night for a couple of weeks which includes a specific night time routine of your choosing. Dana recommends bath, bedtime story, massage, prayer, etc. you choose, but it has to last 30-40 minutes and can't be any longer than 45 minutes. This eventually cues your child brain that bedtime is coming. Then she offer 3 or 4 suggestions of what to do when you put your child in bed. We choose to stay in the room in a chair beside the bed for the first 3 nights. She has you use the same phrase to repeat over and over like "it's sleepy time and "night night time"
to say to your child. She feels it's vital that your child learn to go to sleep on their own without using you or any other prop like breast, bottle, paci, etc. For example imagine you fall asleep in someone's arms all the time. When you wake if that person is gone you would feel startled and would want them to comfort again. It's the same with children. They wake and want whatever they had before to fall back asleep. They need to learn the skills to go to sleep on their own. You also choose one special toy to keep in the bed and your child can not play with it unless it except at 'sleepy time'. We choose a bunny attached to a little blanket. "Sleepy bunny" goes through the bedtime routine with us at night. Once in bed, she offers, several choices, the one we do to comfort her is to pat her gently..(you can touch them) repeat the 2 bedtime phrases, but no rocking, feeding or using any other " sleep props". Gosh I can't tell you everything that's in her package because it's nearly 200 pages that we downloaded and printed off.... but I hope this helps! I do remember she has a special video and section for toddlers as they can be difficult and pose unique challenges like hopping out of bed on their own! Please feel free to ask me any questions if you need more info. Good luck!

About your 3 year old. He will get over it but if you cave and give him a paci you may be sending him to first grade with that thing. He will be ok just put him back in his room. I still nursed my 13 month old baby and I am not going to lie I let her have a bottle until she was 18 months before bed. I would clean her teeth after. But at two I took it away completely. I just found other ways to comfort her. Good luck.

My three year old sucks his thumb to calm down and to go to sleep. I am not going to try to stop it until he is past his occasional outbursts (screaming fits) which are instantly ceased once the thumb goes in his mouth. To me, if it calms and soothes him, by all means. But I don't really want him sucking it in kindergarten either, but that's a ways down the road.

At night, you might tell your son before he goes to bed that he is a big boy now and gets to sleep in his own bed, and that you and Daddy are going to lock your door so that you can sleep. Then when he comes around he will find your door locked, just as you said. Of course he might pound on it and scream, so that might defeat the purpose. I might have just left him with the paci in order for myself/hubby to be able to sleep at night. If he's not a climber (my three-year-old can climb 6' bookcases, refrigerators, etc) you might put a baby gate in his door to keep him in there (that worked on my older son when he was 1yo).

He definitely needs to learn to sleep at night on his own and have that self confidence for doing so, and that sense of independence. If you haven't already, you might put a night light in his room, and give him a stuffed animal to keep him company. My 3yo crawls in bed with his 6yo brother most nights, as they share a room. My hubby has said he wished he had shared a room with his brother growing up, as he would have been more comfortable (not scared) at night.

Otherwise, maybe find a good book on amazon.com on the subject. There are reviews by people who have read the books. Good luck!

I use a soothing lullaby CD for my younger two children 4 yrs and 18 mo. I put it on continuous play all night. They fall asleep to the music and if they start to stir at night the lullaby music puts them back to sleep. With your daughter, I would definitly get rid of the bottle now or you will go through this again with her. Give her less and less milk in a sippy cup. or even give her water to prevent dental caries. Your son also still needs a nap during the day. If all else fails, tell him he needs one hour of quiet time, then he can play again. Tell your husband to suck it up for now, because if you guys continue to cave at this age wait till they are bigger! The weaning thing should take about a week if not less, but you both have to be on the same page and not cave. I would do both kids at the same time and get it over with. Good luck!

Dear E.,
Give the paci back. I have a daughter that 34 years ago I thought I would have to send it to kindergarten with her. I didn't. Her smile is so perfect that I never had to get her braces. I sucked my thumb a very long time, and I too had nice straight teeth. Don't worry about him or allow pressure from others (or books) and their theory on this make you feel as though you aren't doing right by your son. Sometimes that comfort comes with a paci or thumb and the more a parent tries to remove it ..... the more stress they feel the more they have the need for it. Just give it to the little guy. He's only 3 and apparently needs the soothing comfort of it. Aw, life is hard, only 3 years on this earth, what's a paci matter? You hang in there...your concern and compassion makes me think he is so lucky to have a mom like you. He'll give it up...and believe me he won't go on a date with it! You are going to wake up one day and wonder where the time went, they grow up so fast. He's just little guy now. He'll give it up E., at his time. As far as your 13 month old wanting that middle of the night bottle maybe she gets thirsty like we all do, or again, it could be the comfort of you getting up and giving her one that has become a habit. I don't know. I always gave my children some warm oatmeal along with their bottle before bedtime and they slept well, as does my (5) grandchildren. They range from 3 to 23 years old and none are obese or have dental problems. Good luck and get some sleep.

Hi E.,
We did the cry it out approach with our son when he was about 6 or so mos old. I know some people would say that is too young, but he was very colicky, so crying around our house was just the norm from his birth. It seems like an eternity at the time, but once he learned to soothe himself back to sleep, then there is no more nightwaking (except for teething, sickness, etc). He is still a solid sleeper now sleeping about 11 hours a night.
The other thing you might want to try is an earlier bedtime until you get the nightwaking under control. When a child is overtired, you actually get more nightwaking. So putting them down 30 min to an hour earlier might help break the cycle, esp if there are skipped naps.
Finally, the longer you let them have their paci, the harder it is to take away. The also use it a crutch to sleep which makes it harder to soothe themselves back to sleep without it. I think my son was about 20 mos old when we finally took it away for good, and in my opinion, I think that was way too late. I am a little paranoid about pacifiers since I had one until I was 6 years old- no one ever took it away. I also wore braces twice, starting when I was 12, to fix a host of orthodontal problems.
Good luck!

as a mom of 6 I can say that it was too early. It was his security. You have your husband there and I am sure that if your husband left for a while you would have some trouble sleeping right? Maybe? All my children slept and sleep well through the night and they range from 24 to 1 yr old. As for the bottle thing, my children that took a bottle I broke at 18 months and it did take a bit of patients and determination, but they soon did without. Your husband is right when he says you need to teach your child how to fall asleep on his own also. I hope I helped and didn't hinder. Good luck and I hope you can find the patients to deal with it all. :)

Well, E., your husband is correct about teaching your son sleep habits. But it sounds as though he's supporting both sides of the debate, in a manner of speaking. He wants your son to learn that it is okay to wake up at night. You can take him to the toilet and he can then go back to bed ... his own bed ... and go back to sleep.

On the other hand, he wants you to give your daughter a bottle when she wakes up to appease her and put her back to sleep.

I think your husband's just looking for whatever will make it easier for him to get a good night's sleep. And who can blame him?

You, on the other hand, are operating from a mother's heart and are focusing on what you perceive as your children's pain and your natural instinct is to aleviate their suffering.

So there are two issues here. 1) Although it is easy to see your husband's desire to do whatever is necessary to get a good night's sleep, even if that means curling up in bed with your son all night, you need to look at whatever is best for your children and that isn't always allowing them to sleep with you or sleeping in their bed with them. We go back to the question of your son being comfortable enough, and confident enough to go to the potty and back to bed on his own. For your son's benefit, when he does wake at night, get in the habit of taking him to the potty, giving him a drink if necessary, then tucking him back in bed. If he cries and wants to sleep with you, just explain to him that he is 'a big boy' now and must stay in his own bed. It may take several ... MORE than several tries maybe for him to learn that you really mean it. Kids will test your resolve, as you have already learned, by ignoring your dictums and doing what they want. It takes a strong hand and a strong heart to be able to repeatedly tell them 'no' - especially if they start crying.

Your daughter presents an entirely different issue. At 13 months, she may well be too young to go all night without a bottle. When she was 3 or 4 months old, her tiny tummy was so small you had to feed her every two or three hours. Now she does not need to eat quite as often but 8 or ten hours may still be too long for her to go without nourishment. So you probably don't need to worry about giving her a bottle sometime in the night.

You do want to sit down and talk to your husband about each of your differing approaches to child rearing as well as possible motives for them. If you can BOTH learn to open up about such things, it will make for a much healthier environment for all of you. And it's way cheaper than a marriage counselor. If you have not already, you also need to discuss your opinions about other aspects of child rearing, such as correcting the little ones for their mistakes. Do you both favor spanking? Is your husband in favor while you are opposed? Are you both accolytes of the time out corner? Is Dad the type to say, "Let your mother handle it"? Or are you the one to say, "Wait 'til your father gets home?" Matters such as these can cause a great deal of discord and it is always better to know where you stand at the outset and try to find common ground. And, particularly where child rearing issues are concerned, you need to find the common ground and both of you stand solidly united. Your children will be quick to pick up on the weak link and exploit it.

Good luck.