When my kids were toddlers, i would never leave them in a room unsupervised, They needed to be in my line of vision at all times. When they hit 3-4 yo, I started stepping out of the room for a minute etc. When they started to give up the naps we institued 'quiet time" in their individual rooms alone for 30 mins to an hour. Some days were better than others, THEN we moved to a bigger house, 2 stories plus a basement ( not sure how you define a finished basement, it has a cement floor and the cinderwalls are painted white, it's basically our laundry area and storage area, but well lit and open) My six yo is making me crazy about not going upstairs to her room by herself, even just to get a pair of shoes. Or if I am upstairs putting laundry away in the bed rooms, she will refuse to go down to the first floor to play or to fetch something unless her borhter goes with her ( he is 18 months older than her). I feel like she is too old for this behavior and we have lived here for almost three years. forcing her to go causes all sorts of drama and screaming and crying, grabbing my legs etc AND nights after i force her, she has trouble falling asleep and/or wakes up at night. There is NOTHING scarry in our house! how do I handle this!!!!!
I really hadn't realized how prevalant this is. It must be a stage then. It seems like so many parents on this site talk about their kids playing in their bedrooms and i just assumed they were 2 story houses too. maybe not.
my undies aren't in a bunch, in regards to the more abrasive responses, I asked so i can take it, I do want to say that i have tried asking her to show me what is scary, shadows, noises etc and she can't, I was very gentle with her at first for months and months, talked her through it, went with her and showed her how she was safe, talked about how we are safe in our home, that mommy and daddy and the dog are all here and we aren't scared or worried. I actually haven't tried the flashligts because what i am talking about occurs during day light hours and we have plenty of lights and I put her window shades up for her and even at night we have always had tons of night lights and leave the hall light on etc. I've always had an open policy that the kids can come sleep on the floor in my room if they need to be close to us, i have no problem with that, Its just frrustrating that she has to follow me from floor to floor during the day. But at least i know i'm not alone. thanks for the responses.
All I will say is this is perfectly normal behavior for this age and it will pass. No reason to think this isn't normal behavior
My 6 year old is doing the same exact thing. He either has to have his little sister go with him (like that tiny little 35lb thing could do any damage if needed) or the dog. I tell him there is nothing up there but he is still scared. they both only play in their rooms while i am up there doing laundry or cleaning which drives me nuts because they complain they are bored downstairs and im like you have a ton of toys in your room go play. they wont. I will just let it run its course. On occasion I still get the heebie jeebies when i turn off the lights and want to do the flying leap across the room onto my bed so im assuming they feel the same way?
How about giving her a special new flashlight to keep with her? One that she could wear on a lanyard? Make it a fun one, either with her favorite tv character or color. She could even clip other things to the lanyard, like a little stuffed toy or fun little items that she could hold onto while going upstairs alone. Don't worry about her using the flashlight in the daylight, just buy the batteries and replace them quietly as needed. It's a small price to pay. Maybe also something could be clipped on that makes fun sounds, a squeak or a recording or something? They make little voice recorders that are intended for reminding yourself of things, and you could record your voice singing a little funny song or saying something to distract your daughter.
Obviously forcing her ins't working and its actually making her not trust you. My son went thru this but he didn't want to go anywhere that was dark, even to the front room. So for the first couple times I walked with him and showed him how to turn on the kitchen light, then the dining room light and then the front room light and vice versa when he comes out. That way he could go get whatever on his own without dragging one of us with him all the time. Maybe that will work for her, she is scared because its dark and she can't see. Good luck.
If she won't go upstairs to get her shoes, for example, you could just say "Well, I guess you can't go with us. You have to get your shoes in order to go to the park (wherever)."
Or... you could give her a necklace or bracelet or something to make her feel safe. When I was little, I was afraid to go upstairs by myself at night time. My parents had a huge house and it can be scary for little kids in the dark. I had a cross necklace that my mom gave me and I always took it with me upstairs. Sounds super corny, but it made me feel better for some reason!
I cannot stand the abrasive responses - you are asking for help, but yet it seems so many people respond by punishing you or putting you down. Happens on this site way more than it did years ago.
Anyways, my 5 yr old twin girls are the same way. We just moved their room upstairs to make way for a little brother, so this could be part of the reason; however they get teh entire upstairs that now includes the playroom as well. They will go up with each other (if we can get the other to go with her sis) or will drag the dog with them for comfort. However, it happens downstairs as well. The bathroom is in sight of every room downstairs, and sometimes they won't go in without someone.
Within the last couple days, we've been able to sit or stand at the bottom of the stairs and they comfortably go up without us going all the way up. Sounds to me like this might be a stepping stone to this stage. Maybe that is a way to start - sit at the bottom step so she knows you are there and will see you when she gets to the top.
My son is the same way at night time (he's 8.). Sometimes I make him go and sometimes I go with him. I've prayed with him, talked to him and nothing works. It's just something that he'll outgrow eventually.
My daughter does this, too! She turned 6 a month ago, and we have lived in this house for almost a year, and still she won't be on a level of the house by herself, no matter what time of day. It is utterly bizarre. I have asked her numerous times why she is afraid, or what she thinks may happen if she goes upstairs to brush her teeth by herself, or if she goes downstairs to get an apple from the fruit bowl. She really doesn't have an answer. I am beginning to wonder if it's just a stage. I try to acknowledge her feelings ("I understand that you don't want to go upstairs to brush your teeth. We need to leave for school in 3 minutes, though, so you need to brush your teeth somehow!") But, this doesn't help. I should add that we have a balcony in the house so even when she's upstairs, she is about 3 steps away from being able to see us downstairs, and she can hear us, too. I don't know. It's a little frustrating. Nothing I've tried has worked, so I'm curious to see what responses you get!
i didnt see any "abrasive" comments so I am assuming someone had them deleted. i think that you are babying you children way too much. is there a reason you never let them out of your sight? how in the world did you ever go to the bathroom, or take a shower? were they in there with you? did you stay in their room and watch them sleep all night long??? ease up a bit, they are not newborns, give them some breathing room for goodness sake. she is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay to old to be acting like that, stop enabling this behavior!
It is a big house. She is at a different level than you are. You have the top parts of the rooms well lit so you can see, but that makes a lot of shadows down low sometimes even during the day.
She feels small and vulnerable. Forcing her makes her tense, yelling makes her feel shame, saying she is old enough to be able to handle this makes her feel your disappointment in her.
I did not read any of your solutions to this problem. I would ask her to show you EXACTLY what is is that scares her.. Do not have little brother be a part of it or even hear her concerns.. It could bring on his own worries.. Also this is between you and your daughter. Each item she tells you, so if the 2 of you can come to a solution. Make a list so she will know you are taking this seriously.
Suggestion, sensor night lights for stairways and hallways.
Her own flashlight that she can carry at any time any where in the house..
It may be that she does not like closed room doors.
Maybe she does not like the unused doors opened.
Maybe at the bottom of the doorways she can see under the doors and see shadows or movements..
Sounds.. I know when we were growing up the floor furnace used to scare the poo out me, when it would flare up.. Maybe the air conditioners or fans make a little noise.. Maybe a radio is on somewhere..
And then, maybe your home is too quiet. Well made carpeted or rugged filled homes can be very quiet only a room away.. She may need a walkie talkie. She can talk with you while she goes upstairs, or downstairs.. Eventually, she will get tired of it and be fine.
Good luck solving this mystery.
finally i found someone else that has this problem,,,my 6 old daughter,will not play on own. will not be on own....has to be with me or her older brother...she will not sleep in her room,well will go to bed for about hour,,then up crying and shaking...she did have panic crys...i think i manage to stop the panic crys,,,i got a dream cathcer pink one put it on wall above her head..explained to her what it does...and sound that worked lovely for 3 months,,,even did herroom out the way she wanted she picked colours and wallpaper etc...but she wll not go and play in her room, unless i in my room doing painting hovering etc..i got to be around..i dont spoil my kids,,,they get what they need in life...my older one which is my son,i have never once had a peep out of him at nite..he will go do his own thing. i was hoping she would follow suit..but no...she wont play on own,,wont go upstairs on own,, hates going out at nite if dark is setting in.even on holiday she the same..so i no its not the house or the room...i even quizzed school ..wether she got trapped in toilet for a while,,that she wasn strong enough to pull these doors..or being bullied..i not got the response that i hope to solve this problem,,i even talked to her too..i get no response... i even quit work for a year to be a father..that may of been a mistake as i cant go out at nite with out her crying the place down..its fees to me a little inscecure..but wot has caused this...we have had rough time over last couple of years..is this her way of griefing...making sure im there..i do handy work house work,,she will help..she wants to but my son wont ask...i feel she getting all attention,,i feel i shutting him out,,,i do get fsther son time...when she goes to her grans for 1 nite...but then im on edge,,,its not nice to see your kids suffer..it is a kind of suffering,, and heart achefor us parents...i just wish someone out there canhelp solve all our issues,,ive tried everything, but seems to work for 3 to 4 days then back to square one...
i even went to docs, and explainto him ..all i get from everyone, its second child syndrome,,,sorry but i dont beleive that one bit...she has a insecure problem and i cant get to bottom of it...its not a phase as they dont go on this long surely,,,is there help for this,,,
My son was the same way for a long time.
He just didn't want to be alone, so he'd follow me where ever I went around the house.
He was ok if I was in hearing distance, but he didn't like being alone on an upper or lower floor by himself.
He out grew it somewhere between 8 and 9 years old.
Lots of good advice here. One more possibility:
When she goes with her brother, does she need to hold his hand? Does she have difficulty with stairs under any other circumstances? Do you ever see her navigate stairs comfortably independently? If she has some problems with depth perception or spatial awareness the stairs themselves could be terrifying.
Just because nothing is scary to you - who gets to sleep next to her husband feeling all safe and comforted in the dark - - doesn't mean your CHILD is able to feel the same.
This should be something she will eventually grow out of - I don't know how long it will take because everyone is different. I still get hysterically panicked if lights go out at night or it's pitch black out without ANY light. Sometimes I'll wake up from a noise and still have a moment of dread - what IS that noise!? And I'm 31 y/o!! Am I afraid to check things out? NO, Am I afraid of walking thru the house alone? No...
Don't punish her and stop trying to make her feel that her feelings don't mean anything to you.
My 7 year old son is the same way.
