Sister

Hi W.,
Ain't families grand? NOT! :-)
From your post, I don't get a sense of how far (travel time) your sister and mom) live from you.
Is it possible that your sis is resentful for being the main caregiver for your mother? Maybe she feels overwhelmed and unappreciated? She may think it's easier for you to go there, rather than for her to either bring your mom or come without her, as it may not be good for her to be away from your mom if she needs constant care. Just a thought. Also, maybe she is looking for help from you (watching your mom) so the she gets a break and can do some things of her own--errands/shopping/banking/etc.
That said, if we're not talking about a "hours long" trip here, I think you should continue to go and visit your mom. Whether she/your BIL make you fell welcome or not. After all, your family has a right to see your mom as well. She just happens to live at their house. I would let them know in advance when you will be coming/decide on mutually agreeable times & dates & go so your mom can see your son! You may regret it if you don't. If your mom can manage with a wheelchair, etc., maybe you can still manage getting her over to your house sometimes? Again--not sure whether we're talking "across town" or a 12 hr. drive here....
Now, if the situation is that you don't care to see ANY of them, then that's a choice YOU have to make for yourselves. But I seem to be getting from your post that you feel mainly that your sister is coming between you & your mom. If that's the case, I would try not to let that happen. Kill her with kindness if that's what it takes to work out visits.
Good luck and God bless!

W., there a few issues going on here. One since your mom is no longer able to walk, it would be very difficult for your sister to bring her to you. Two, your sister sounds like she needs a break from your mom's care. Three, you feel slighted.It also sounds like your sister is wanting a better relationship with you (she hangs on your every word)and maybe your brother in law is bitter because your mom is taking a toll on his relationship with your sister. You could offer to give them a break. Don't know how far you live, but what about your BIL and sis go on vacation while you stay at their house to provide care for your mom. Maybe a thank you card and dinner tickets (provide a companion so they can go out if you are unable to do it yourself)to show your appreciation for all they do for your mom and a little note saying it is not easy being a caregiver.
If I am reading the situation incorrectly, then what about you taking your mom in and being caregiver? Suggesting assisted living or nursing home if both of you are unable to care for mom.If I was your sis, I would be upset if you expected me to care for mom and make sacrifices in my life and then you resent that she hasn't visited and seen your son. Try to put yourself in her shoes and ask her to do the same for you.

Sounds like maybe your sister is a little resentful about your mom maybe? I can tell you from experience that it's hard dealing with having an elderly parent livign with you, and with your mom being disabled even more so. However, your sister is an adult and should be able to talk to you about any issues or if she needs help from you. Shutting you out and being nasty is not a good way to be, especially since she seems to dictate when your ailing mother can see her grandchild! That's just wrong.
I would try talking to her calmly about how she is feeling, and also voice your feelings about her and your mother seeing your son on a more regualr basis. Maybe your mom could come stay with you for a weekend or more, and your sis would get to have a break away as well as see your son for a little while?
If that doesn't work, you may just have to suck it up and deal with your sister, because it sounds like it's pretty important to you (as it is to most people!) that your mom at least gets to see him. Good luck and I hope things go better next time!

I, too, am wondering if your sister is burned out being primary caretaker for your mom. That is a difficult position to be in. In my own family, I am a primary caretaker to my son who has serious medical issues. It can be physically, mentally and emotionally exhausting. I also see it with my parents. My grandmother lives with my parents and they all get on each other's nerves quite a bit and need a break from each other from time to time. What about calling your sister to say you would like to give her a break and that you will come over stay with your mom, freeing up your sister to whatever she pleases. Or maybe even bring your mom to your house for a few days. That will give you time to spend with your mom without your sister hovering. If you sister is overwhelmed, your help may change her attitude toward you. Regardless of what you choose to do, if you want to see you mom I think you are going to have to take the lead to go visit her and not rely on anyone to bring her to your house.

Have you ever asked your sister what you've done to make her mad? That might give you some insight. She may have valid issues or she may be dramatic. Either way try not to get defensive. Hear her out and see what she has to say. Then you can see if there is something you can do to change the situation. Best wishes to you.

UPDATE after reading the info you added: Have you talked to your sister about how hurt you are that she doesn't visit you and how you feel about how you are treated at her house? If you want to try to change your relationship with her it seems to me a discussion would be your first step. Unfortunately, it may be that you two are never going to be close. You may have to come to accept that. If that is the case, maybe you can agree upon ways to be civil with each other so that you and your mother can have enjoyable visits.

has it been since mom lived with her?

any other siblings?

family meeting is in order and with your mom.

work out a schedule shouldn't be all on 1

Hate to say it because prob not what u want to hear but since your mom is disabled and cant get out on her own think u have to go there..just to see her!ignore your brother in law to make your mom happy!!

Hi,
this is probably gonna sound really rude but I'd say screw her. If your sister wants to see her she can come make the drive. You have a two year old to take care of and it's not just your responsibility to make the relationship work. There's gotta be give and take.
On the other hand, if you want to see your mom then pack up your son, go pick her up and bring her to your house if you don't want to deal with the brother in law. Ask you sister to bring your mom over if you wanna see both of them.
I understand that it's a bit more difficult than before for your mom to get around but she and everyone else in her life are going to have to get used to her limited mobility and make adjustments. While yes, your sister is probably making the biggest adjustment at the moment and might be resentful about it, looking at the fact that it's been ten years and she's only visited twice, she really has no excuse to make you visit her all the time.
Sorry if that sounds mean, but it's my opinion.

Hi W.,

I would suggest a Family Group Decision Making conference
(FGDM).

1-###-###-####

Hope this helps. D.