Single Parent Response Only Please

He is not forgetting... it's called selective memory. Take away his cell phone for a certain peroid of time.... lock up his computer.

Sorry you only wanted responses from single moms. My husband and I were houseparents at a girls ranch, have much training in this field. But since you only want single parents responses, I will keep my advice to myself.

(Maybe you should reconcider since kids are kids)

although I am married now, I was a single parent to a teenage boy for ten years! perhaps he is tired of being compared to the perfect son! Teenagers have a hard time fitting in and finding out who they are. although it is wonderful that your oldest son is such a great boy, your right hand as you called him, maybe your younger boy feels like he will never measure up, or be your new right hand man or even your "left" hand man! perhaps he is discouraged and even thinks that you love the other son more! When I was young my mom had two girls and although I was the younger one, my sister always thought that I was the favorite. that caused a lot of problems between her and my mom and also between her and me! she hated me because she thought that I was favored and that she could never measure up to the perfect little daughter that I was. She acted out and was a very bad teen (drugs , sex and yes rock and roll) I was a little angel! seriously, if you want your son to respond to you better, try making him feel like you think that he is awesome! you just don't always like it when he is irresponsible. It's ok if he is not an "A" student, you love different things about him than you do your older son, you see? good luck and best wishes, Oh and prayer helps too!

I am a single parent to three kids. My oldest is 11 and is starting to want to go out without telling me where he is. He even missed dinner this week because I couldn't find him and he didn't check in with me.

One thing that you have to make clear to your son is that it is your house he is living in and as long as he is, he needs to follow your rules. Write the rules down so he can't say he forgot or didn't know what they were.

What I do when my little guy breaks the rules, is that he cannot go out the next day. He also has to help me around the house while inside. It seems to work for my son because he is usually better the next time - for awhile. But, he has been coming up with some creative solutions. He brought me his walkie-talkies to use and let me know where he was going just yesterday (he has no cell phone) so I was able to call him when I needed to know he was okay. Can you start using text messages with your son so he won't be embarrassed to get a call from you?

It's hard and I am not looking forward to mine turning 15, but I am trying to get the rules and respect down before that time.

Church is also a big part of our life and my kids have great, moral friends at church. Other men at church are wonderful role models for teenagers with fathers!

Good luck!
J.
www.livetotalwellness.com/janislanz

Hi, D.!
You sound like a great mom. I am not single, but I was raised by a single mom and so was my brother. He turned out to be a great person, good dad, etc. My mom had him in basketball where he had male mentors and role models in the coaches. It takes a village to raise a child. I agree with the suggestion that someone gave to get a school teacher or counselor to be a person of support to your son. My husband has three therapy groups with another male therapist for middle school and high school boys. Lots of these guys have moms and dads, but it is very challenging to grow up these days for lots of boys. My daughter is 21 and my son is 12. It might be easier if your son could text message you rather than call you. That seems to be a lot less of an intrusion for some teens than an actual phone call.
The automated message about him being tardy bugs me-what an impersonal world that a human being can't contact you-or better-speak to your son directly about the tardiness-leaving you out as the bad guy. Lots of luck to you-you sound like a loving mom-keep the communication going with him. Maybe write him a letter and leave it on his bed-not too many words-just clear , direct, and supportive. I sometimes do that with my kids. The face to face confrontations became awkward at times when they were trying to establish their autonomy and independence from me-the mom and attachment figure. Hope all goes well.
D.

I am a single Mom, but my son is now 32 years old. When my husband left he was 18 years old. He tried alot of things like staying out until all hours of the night & not letting me know where he was. I finally just sat down with him & tried to make him understand how much that worried me. My son was an all "A" student & very smart, but when my husband left he tried to "test me." When I finally sat him down & explained that I was not trying to control him or what he did, but only trying to make sure he was safe, that seemed to help. This day & age with cell phones he has no excuse for not calling you & letting you know where he is. That is only being considerate and that is what I tried to let my son know. All I wanted to know was that he was safe & OK. Maybe if you tell your son that & still give him some of his own independence, he will understand that & will call you to let you know he is OK.
I hope this helps. Good luck.....

You need to decide whether you are willing to actually do what it takes to get his attention. Take the PS2 out of his room and tell him he and his friends can only play it in a community room, a.k.a. family room. If he still disappears, then take the game away for a specified amount of time. Each time it stays gone a week longer until he realizes that he has to follow your rules or he has no priveliges. You pay the bills, you are the adult, take charge. He is still a child, you are the parent. My ex didn't take a tough enough stand with his son, and his son made it miserable around the house. After I left and he had to deal with him hisself, he realized how disrespectful and immature he was and told him shape up or ship out. The son left and learned what it was like out in the real world. He couldn't keep a job, and lived from place to place with his friends. He finally realized he had to do something and joined the military. He still has a lot of immaturity but he has to answer to a higher source now.

My husband passed away 10 years ago, leaving me to raise 4 sons, 3 to 13 years old.

One thing that worked with each of my sons, if they were late to class or were not preforming to their potential I would sit them down and very kindly, compassionately tell them "I want to help you be the best you can be and am willing to do all I can to do that. If you are having a hard time finding your class or doing the work I will gladly take time out of my own schedule to come to school with you and help. I only offer this because I love you and am willing to sacrifise to help you." I never had to attend, they got the message and got themselves to class on time and grades improved.

Having a cell phone is an adult privelage, if he acts irresponsibly, leaving the house without letting you know, he looses that adult privelage because he is not behaving as an adult.

I know you didn't mention it but slamming doors, most teenagers like to do that. In my house you get to do that once and I warn you. If you do that a second time I calmly, take your bedroom door off the hindges. No door, no door slamming. Most doors have pins, a hammer and screw driver work well.

Just some thoughts, I have found if I don't nag, just set the consequences high enough they settle down.

I recently earned my BBA, attending class while the boys were in school.

I have a 16 year old and he did not get it either at the age of 13/14, so I took my house key from him and made him wait on the front porch until I got home to let him in, and everyday he was not on that front porch waiting on me after school was punishment. No friends over no phone calls, no extracurricular activities (movies, mall, etc.) and every day I added a week to his punishment in addition to taking all his pleasures away. I gave him 50 cent for the pay phone and told him that if he wanted to his privileges restored he had to call me on the cell or home phone and leave me a message where he was or going to be or get my permission to even stay after school for a game or what ever and I had to speak to an adult. This seemed to have worked because he got the message that he would one day have a boss or supervisor that he would have to report to and if he walked off the job site or walked away from his work station without someone knowing where he was he would be fired and I further explained to him that, if while he was gone, on the front or to the store , and something happened to him I would be responsible for that and not only that but if I know where he's going or telling me he's supposed to be then if someone try to frame him for something or try and include him in some illegal activity I can at least say that he wasn't there or not supposed to be there he told me he was going here or going to be there. I can be his backup.

I hope this helps and you can use some of it to get through to your son because the world is not what it was, and people don't care about others as much as they used to, and have more mind problems than ever known. So it's not bad for you to be protective of him just don't be like my mother's generation and not know when to cut the apron strings. Meaning: you make excuses for his behavior and yet enable him and give him no tough love...Sometimes that's what our boys need from us single parents, tough love!!!! Lock him out, punish him, discipline him but remember this what you don't do today for him the world and the system will do to him tomorrow and he will try and blame you!!!!

"Be what you think other's aren't and they'll see what they are supposed to be through you!!!!"

It sounds like your child is in rebellion without a father figure. He could be still harboring deep resent in his father not being there. If he is weak willed they tend to take things harder in a family breakup. I am afraid that he is not forgetting to call you he is purposely not calling you. Is there a deep seated jealously he has toward his brother being smarter then he is or that you favor him more, children are very keen to sensing these things. What he needs is a child psycologist that he can talk to.

Hi D.,
Well first of all I have to say that 15 is a tough age for a kid. That is the time in their life when they not only discover they have an opinion that does not necessarily line up with yours, they are also going through that struggle of independence verses dependence. We all went through it, we just didn't all handle it the same way. You say you cut ties with two of his friends, but you must realize that doesn't mean he cut the ties. Nobody likes the feeling of being controlled, and a lot of times this causes rebellion. Instead of always being the dictator, ask him what he thinks and how he feels about this and that. You don't have to do it his way, but it will give you some indication of where he is mentally, and emotionally. Very important, always let him know you love him, and you are there for him whenever he wants to talk. When he talks you must listen and not be ready to bash him or critisize what he says no matter how you feel, that is what will keep the doors of communication open.

Why will you only listen to single moms? that is very prejudice. I mean, I listen to parenting advice of mom of singletons, even though I have four children under five. Do they know how it is to parents four children under five? Not likely, but they may know how to parent and their advice may be just what I need.

When I was a teenager my parents restricted tv, video games ect (as well as spanked me- yep at 21 years old I was still spanked!) I don't recommend spanking a 15 year old, especially when you are there by yourself as he may become violent. But when he gets home from school and sees that the tv and PS2 have been taken away for (a week? a month? Find a friend to hold on for them or put them in your closet or something) then he might remember to tell you before he goes somewhere.

Blessings,
S.

I just got married but still have the single mind in me so hear me out. While you are doing a good job in raising your boys you may try with your youngest not allowing him to go any where with out letting you know first and if he forgets to call you, you should call him to tell him to go home right now. Letting him know he should have called before he left. Then check on him to make sure he went home by calling the house phone. If he desides to test you by not going home when he was suppose to ground him for a week. with in a couple of time he should get the message about the phone call. For not going to school I have no answer for you since I havent had that problem yet with my step sons, ages 17 and 15. I also have the experiance with my own kids even though my kids are still young. Plus I still remember when I was 15 and was rebeling against my parents.

I have a 15 yr old son also. I find that often the best approach is a multi leveled approach.
1.when you notice that he has left, call him and tell him that he needs to come home because he neglected to tell you he was leaving. (if he does not comply, remove some privileged he has and then drop it for the time being)
2. later, when you are done being mad and he has had a chance to cool off after being embarrassed at having to come home, sit down with him and talk. explain to him that you recognize that he is becoming a young adult and that you want to respect that. at the same time you are still his mom and still worry about him. he needs to let you know when he leaves and where he is headed out of respect for your feelings.
2. then tell him that you realize that he will do whatever he chooses and you do not have the ultimate control over him. he is responsible for the choices he makes. if he chooses to leave again with out telling you the consequence will be xyz (whatever it is you decide...just remember it is easier to take away the things you do control [whether he has a cell phone, giving him rides places, etc] vs making him do the things he does not want to do). the biggest trick to having this work is that you have to leave your emotions out of this. it is not about controlling him it is about him learning that his decisions have consequences.

good luck.

A.
www.supportingmom.com

Hi am single mom (dad not involved) with 15 year old girl and 19 year old son. personalities are very different. My oldest is the one who is quiet and my daughter steals the show. I found that i needed to make sure I was praising my son and help him see the qualities God put in him. Alone time where we watch a guy movie was good too. He is doing well at college now and I believe bolstering his self esteem was very good. Also I read a book about boys which was called Shaping the Man inside Teenage Boys by Bill Beausay. I highly recommended it.
Goodluck.

My husband works twelve-hour days and is gone six months out of the year, so I am very often a single Mother of three. I think it is time that your 15 year-old go vistit brother at college. You didn't say if the 19 year-old was still living at home, but it sounds like he is away at school. That may be the best motivation. Talk to your older son about the behavior problems and have him talk to your 15 y/0. It may have different meaning coming from the older boy that "Mom gets really worried about you when you take off," and "why are you giving Mom such a hard time?" Maybe if he gets a dose of how good the "college life" is, he will have a goal to work towards for himself. 15 is a real between time...I liken it to 2 years old...let him make some of his own rules so he feels like he is in control. Let him set his curfew (within reason), let him set his schedule (get up earlier to get to school on time) and let him set his punishments (as long as they are not to easy). Make him stick to those things and be accountable. It sounds like it is easy to praise the older one, but make sure your other son is "feelin the love" too. Good Luck and God Bless your family.

there is a seminar that was recomended to me... i think you can find it if you google "houston seminar", it is a series... anyway, the one i am talking about has to do with ideas of "perfect parenting". i would not recomend it except a friend of mine is a part of this seminar series, she has read the book, and said it was phenomenal, very eye-opening. sorry for lack of details, but if you want more, pm me and i can get you the info. take care.

I'am old school as well, not old timer but old school. One suggest what my mother use to do was take or remove things from my room, like the play station or maybe something he has a high interest in. I'am a sigle mother started late, my child is 5.