Single Parent& Dating with Kids

Honestly, I would ask for a ring and a wedding date before moving my children into the house with my "boyfriend". If you are in a equal, caring, mutually respectful relationship who pays for what, etc should not be an issue. Is he going to pitch in for extra groceries when his girls are over? Pay for extra water, electricity etc the weekends they come? I think his request is actually pretty riduculous.

I think that you should split the bills 50/50. No matter who's kids live there more. I dated a guy like that and he used the same reasoning..but he didnt have any kids of his own. He used to say he shouldnt pay as much because he didnt have his own room, not to sleep in, but to keep his STUFF. And my two girls shared a room. But we are no longer together.

When a couple moves in together and they both work it should always be 50/50. good luck.

First of all, you should not be moving in together without at least being engaged or married. I did this and it didn't work out. For the sake of the kids, and for the sake of stability, what's the rush? It will be more cost effective for both of you to share a house, sure, but it will make things easier in the long run if you wait. I don't think you should be footing anymore of the bill than he does and he shouldn't want you to.

Why are you even considering moving in with someone only after 7 months?? I would think this would be confusing for your and his kids. Keep things seperate for the sake of the kids. Also it's crazy to buy a house with someone you are not married too. If you break up trying to divide things up is a nightmare. Getting married is the best time to share things.

I believe if you have reached a point in your relationship that you feel comfortable moving in together, "splitting" rent shouldn't be a factor. Certainly, I don't agree with him asking you to pay a larger percentage because your children will be in the home full time. Slow down a bit and wait this one out. 7 month's might not be long enough to know whether or not this man is worth such a commitment. Good Luck!
M. M.

I would like more information on being single and dating with kids myself. I have one daughter who is 2 yrs old, and right now I am not dating. I would like to but right now I have kind of put dating on the back burner and I focus my priorities on the relationship I have with my child. How do I balance dating and single parenting?

Not judging but the bigger question is do you even know this man well enough to be thinking of moving your children in with him? Regardless, I don't think you should be paying more of the mortgage if both your names will be on the house. Who cares whose children are there more. And if he is thinking in those terms then pay attention to how he treats your children in comparison to his children, especially when they are all around.

I agree with the other ladies. If you're ready to move in with someone then there shouldn't be yours and mine and bill splitting. If you're living together, you might as well be married (that is the commitment implied) and marriage is about what is ours, thus your kids become his responsibility too. I'd think really hard about this one if he's already talking about you paying more of the bills. What he is talking about is being roommates...that's where you split things equally based on the space and things you use.

In my opinion, what it's worth, both of you should split it 50/50. If you break it down, it would most likely be that all the kids are there the same amount of time one way or another. Your kids are in school during the day, right? You could technical about everything little things, but that's not right. If he wants a serious relationship, then things should be equal. Just my 2 cents worth!! I wish you all the luck in the world!

I wonder if he's concerned about how to afford all of this, while he pays child support, too. Either way, if two people are living in the same home, as a family(even without marriage), they should pool their finances. I would think you should have a joint checking account, if you do this. And all of the bills should be paid from that. My husband and I have been a couple since I was 17 and he was 18. When we graduated high school, long before we were married, we always have had a joint bank account. And this is before I even had a job, mind you. We even had joint ownership of cars before we even graduated, or lived together. I realize that not everyone falls into this comfort zone so fast. But, if people are planning to live as a family, it should be all the way.

J.-
I was a single parent for almost 2 yrs. I had one failed serious relationship, and then meet Matt (who is now my DH). I had my son Brenton who at the time was almost 2 and Matt had no kids. Matt works making pretty decent money about $25/hr, and I was only making $8.50. When we decided to move out together, we opened a bank account, and put all of our money in there to pay all of our bills. I know some people might not agree, but if your in a serious relationship, I feel that all things should be shared and 50/50. I don't think you should have to pay more of the house payment just b/c your children are there all the time. Is he going to prorate the time that his kids are there to make sure that he is paying the right amount? He knew that you had children when you guys started talking about moving in together!! what if something happened, and you didn't work anymore? would he let you loose your house b/c you couldn't make your portion of the payment? I'm sorry if I'm coming off a bit strong, but I just think all things ina relationship should be equal!!! Hope everything works out for you!!! -D.

My advice is to do some soul searching before you jump into this. I was a single mother for 13 years with several failed relationships and it is very hard on the children involved. If you are considering moving in with this man then you should take a step back and consider if this man is who you are planning on staying with and being committed to. Granted, just because you feel that way doesn't always mean that he does too or that things will neccessarily stay that way. However, if this is how you feel, then you should sit down with him and figure out what the two of you can afford together and each of you on your own. If you are moving in together as a couple then he should treat you as a couple. I don't agree with you neccessarily having to pay more of the bills than he does because you have children. He is signing up for a package deal if he chooses to be with you. Instead, you should have a joint account which both of you deposit your share of the monthly expenses into. I would also keep your own bank account open to keep your own nest egg in. Once you are married to him and know he is committed you could rethink that. For your sake and your children think this through thoroughly before making a life changing decision. Hope this helps.

J.,
While I am not currently a single parent, I was for 3 years. It is tough enough managing kids and a personal life without added stress. If you feel that this man is the one who you will commit to long term and he feels the same, what difference does it make who pays what? Usually, the partner who makes more money pays more of the bills. If you're feeling uncomfortable with this I would recommend that you give things more time before you move in with him. It will be a more positive thing for you and your kids. I am probably a little more conservative than most, but it sounds like he wants a roommate to split costs with, not a partner to share his life. This is a tough one. Good luck.
L.

J.,

I guess it would depend on whether you are becoming your boyfriend's partner or roomate.

I was with my boyfriend for 2 years before we decided, together, to bring our kids under the same roof and become a family. We absolutely needed a bigger house than the one I currently was in so we began looking, all of us. When we finally decided on one we got the mortgage together and all of the bills are OURS.

I have 1 child and he has 2 with 2 others spending weekends and holidays. There has never been a question of who uses more space, electricity, water etc.

We are a family. I guess that's the subject i would bring up with him. If you are creating a family then your are partners. If he still has the same issues then maybe he sees you as not a partner but a roomate.

Best of luck. Talk it over and make sure your expectations of the arrangements are the same as his before you commit to a move.

Take care

I'm with Nicole W on this one. There is so much emotional and mental adjustment for all parties, but especially kids, during divorce and remarriage, that I encourage you to be married before merging everyone together as family. That would also answer the "who is paying what" scenario, because as a family (not just people living together), one would assume that financial decisions are made jointly with finances spent toward united needs, of course with exceptions, instead of the reverse. Too square for modern day standards? Perhaps. But it works if all are genuinely interested in a long term lifetime partnership, and preventing the separation/divorce outcome.

NO!! If this is going to turn into a marriage everything shoudl be 50/50, those kids will be his too! If he is acting like this now, you may want to reconsider this relationship, you don't want it to end up His stuff and your stuff, worse Your kids, his kids scenerio. I knwo to many people that are in marriages like this and it's very ugly!

I went through something similair 7 yrs ago. I was divorced and have 2 boys of my own at the time they were 5-7. I met this wonderful man who had no children. I decided to start my life over and move to another city in Michigan with him. At no time did he ask me to pay more or even imply thatdue to having to get a 2 bedroom due to my kids.

Actually I was not well at the time and besides my child support and all he footed most of the bill for awhile. Now 7 yrs later and we have been married 5 1/2 yrs my boys are 13 and 15. I run a daycare business out of my home of which does very well. We have a custom built home and due to we worked together as a team we have come so far. Plus we have a rental home. There was never anything said about spliting money. Except for I have a checking account just for groceries and odds and ends and a savings for our taxes. He runs the account that pays the major bills and it is all our money.

Some people might think the way he does. But if you are going to live together it should be just that. Unless you are just roomates, then I could see asking more. If he loves you and wants to be with you then why would he ask you to pay more?

You could be getting yourself into a sticky situation. Even when my husband and I lived together any big purchases we discussed it and decided together. I personally would not have moved in with someone who right off the bat was splitting things.Just my opinion though.

My rule in dating is: if he cannot afford all HIS rent/mortgage then he needs to get a guy roommate. Spend precious years 'single' before you decide to blend. Your children will only benefit from it. You can get a roommate too, save that rent money in a separate account and get to know him. If he is concerned already..he maybe can't afford a girlfriend....

I would not continue to date someone who cannot support his girlfriend/wife without complaining. Before you know it, you will be treated like the renter you will be.

My best friend was married 17yrs without children and paid the major bills for fear they wouldn't get paid (they made $250,000 together) He left her, bought a yacht on their credit and lived there to entertain his girlfriends. It took her 2yrs to finally divorce him and move on. She is now engaged, and recently married to a man who takes half her pay every week to support his habits when he makes 3x the money she does. He threatened to break it off if she moved out (because he can't support his ex, his children and his lifestyle)..she married him instead to be able to collect his pension should he die first.....with all her stress...she will go first.
Think about what marriage means before you do it again.

it shouldnt matter who has more of their kids there when it comes to living expenses. tell him regardless that you will be splitting the bills 50/50. i mean can you really determine who used x amount of water and electricity and such. if he wont agree to it then you are better off living seperatly, as much as you may love him. then maybe if he really loves you and want st his to work he will coem to his senses about this.

NO WAY! It just seems pretty unfair that he would want to move in with you, but not want to play an "equal" parent roll in this. Seems a little shady. but that is just one person's opinion- you know? If he wants to play like that, maybe you should get the lease ONLY in your name. Might not be a bad idea if you do that in general.

Good Luck!

Chrissie

I am shocked that your boyfriend would suggest such a thing. I am not single and have not been for awhile and am wondering if this is how things work now a days. I don't think it matters whether your kids are there full time or not. I think you should split the house payment if half(equally).