Single Mom's

Hang in there. It's TOUGH. My daughter's father has never seen her. Same with his family, tghough I've offered numerous times for them to get to know her. My folks are gone. I am blessed with a pretty understanding, flexible boss, and a sister-in-law that has helped out on occassion. But it's still SO hard. I don't think there are any easy answers. I just try to "keep my eyes on the prize" (my daughter) and keep muddlin' through. And I wouldn't listen to anyone's whose has never raised a child alone. They might talk a good game, but have NO CLUE.

wow, execpt for the last entry, I feel like alot of these sounded kind of harsh. I don't agree with half of them. Like the last mom, I feel like I can actually give you an opinion from the same kind of place. I am now married, and have been for a year, however I rasied my daughter on my own without a father in her life for 5 years. It is difficult to balance. The hardest is trying to find a medium between having a social life, and being a mother. Work just has to fit in, it's one of those things you know you have no choice about. You absolutely do not want to eliminate your social life, you just have to try and handle it responsibly. Your child needs to grow up watching a fully functional adult and see what life is really ssupposed to be like, and how to handle themselves in all kinds of situations. Not just the mothering kind. That being said, this is where the difficult part comes in, your child ALWAYS has to come first. That means if your child is going to grandmas and you have plans, if they come down with a fever, it's a fun-filled night at home. However you should not feel guilty about otherwise taking that one night a week for you. You are going to have to make the most out of that night. That can be your date night, if one comes along, or your night for your friends, or a night just by yourself. Whatever you want. Try having lunch with friends, to make up some of that time you miss with them. Also try having movie night at your house, so long as everyone is aware that their behavior needs to be tailored around a young child.

Now that I am married, my life is considerably different. But we still have an active social life together. We are definitely hands on parents, but just like it is important to keep an identity as a single person, it is important to keep your identity as a married person. You have to take time for your marriage too, because that is an important aspect to work on. We have BBQ's on a regular basis that are very kid friendly until nine (after the girls are actually asleep) and then we allow drinking, and more adult humor here. My point with this second paragraph, is that you will always have a balancing dilema. You just have to remember it is all worth it, and sometimes you have to be creative.

I can relate to you, because though I have a husband, he is a truck driver and is often gone for many nights at a time. But I wanted to encourage you. I think it is great that you get one night out a week by yourself. My husband and I have only had one lunch and one dinner by ourselves since my girl was born 10 1/2 months ago. We stay in. Since he is gone a lot, I am in my house by six every evening to feed, bathe and bathtime. I have not been out past eight this year. So, if it is a need to be out...maybe just find activities that you can bring your son with you. Parks, water parks, bowling, walks, bike riding, skating...Other singles can go with you on those things. All of my friends had kids before me, and I hung out with them all of the time. It's just a different way to do things with kids. A life change. Remember it only lasts for so many years, then they are gone. Enjoy the years you have!

I agree with Melissa you are lucky to have a mom who can help you. What I have done is spend every non-working moment with my girls. Any freetime I spend is with friends usually weekday lunches.

Hi S.,

I think that you should be thankful that your mother is willing to take your son on a saturday night every week. I think that one night you get every weekend is more than the rest of us get single or not.

I have my mother but because of me not wanting to hear her bash my dad when they decided to get divorced we rarely talk. She seen my kids just this past Monday night and before thar it was the Saturday before easter Sunday.
My kids were very close to their grandma on my husbands side but she just pasted away on Thursday the 14th. My 6yr old would go spend the night over there and he loved her so much.

Count your blessings while you have them. W.

i have a teenager who is 14 decided she did not like me and step dads rules and all and decided to go live with her dad now we have no relationship we have lost it since my mom kept her from seeing her dad she was not a good person so she sai i was not and went to live with and got her lawyer and did while i was in the hospital last summer i have lost my baby and wqe have no friend ship help me!!! and pass this on

Well, you didn't say how old your son was... but the best advice is remember he is worth every second of it. I am married but my husband is in the Army and there is ALOT of time I spend with the kids. If you have to do some work at home, let him "work" with you. Put a desk or table near where you work and let him color, read, play video games whatever will keep him busy. Make sure to take breaks and have your coffee break together. This works good with homework if he's a little bigger. I would find a friend of his that will trade off maybe Fridays where their child spends the night with yours and then the next week switch houses. It's amazing how much you can get done when there is a little distraction.
Allow yourself to feel overwhelmed from time to time. It is hard work, just always pick yourself up, dust yourself off and don't let anything make you think you can't do it!

Unfortunately when you have a child your lifestyle must change. Although I have a husband, we never go out. We don't have an active social life either. Occasionally we will go to a friends house but it's with the understanding that our children come with us and we leave when alcohol or late hours come.

It's a rough life but far more rewarding to us because our children know they are our top priority.

I read a book about a man that was in awe of his mother. Raised by her alone and always a tag along as she went out with friends and dating he was in awe of his mother as a social woman that included him in all of her outings. I always thought I wanted to raise my children that way as an extension of me... It hasn't worked out that way. My children's needs come first.

I guess I feel that way because I was raised by a mother who's need for a man overshadowed her own mental health and welfare. Her mistaken notions put us in mortal danger more than once.

I felt uneasy introducing my oldest to men because of it. In the end I made the same choice a man over my child and I have paid dearly for it for the last 15 years.

I caution you against looking at your single friends and wishing for that life. You'll make sacrifices you will regret one day.

You also have to make a decision about having a weekend off versus allowing your child to see his father. My Ex complained a lot about not having the freedom I had since I was not the custodial parent. However, he was the one to cut off visitation and utlimately took the burden upon himself. He never loosened the apron strings either and when Jr.'s age would have brought on sleep overs and over night trips with friend's it wasn't allowed. Those are the days we both have to look forward to.

Unlike you, my sister is unwilling to babysit, my mother can't due to her mental health status, my mil can't due to her work schedule and caring for my ailing fil, My youngest sil and 2 youngest bils have drug problems, The older ones have children of their own and aren't willing to take on an extra pair for the night. We have no one close by. Generally there isn't enough money to pay a sitter and go out for any length of time and never over night.

Take heart, the children are only all consuming for about 12 years then you get your "personal time" back.

S.,

I am a single mother of a 7 year old. Her father lives in Florida and helps out when he wants too. I do now have a court order in process so I am praying that will lighten my load a little on expenses. It can be very hard to balance everything. I now live with someone we have been together for a little over a year, but sometimes I think it would be easier by myself. I only have to please one then and that would be my daugther. I alway tell him not to make me choose because he'll lose. I can remember when we first move in with each other. He would tell me I am very protective of my daughter and I would tell him that I am the only protector she has. I do believe it is important to have a social life. but balancing come hard both ways. I will always put my child first and always be her protector. Just as you will with your little boy. On another note. If someday you would just like to meet up get to know each other a little more. Maybe we could help each other out with child care on specail nights. If you feel this is something that would interest you please email me. I would love to talk. Good luck it really does get better. Just believe.

I think that's most women's dilemma...being single or married. Only thing I can say is prioritize and be grateful you have a mom close willing to help. Good luck to you!

Okay..... I think that I am the only mother that has responded so far that is actually single and can give you some realistic advice that could work. I am a working single mother as well so I know what you are going through. The biggest thing that I had to learn was I am only one person and I can only do so much. Some things from yur single life just simply have to go. I still have friends that call me wanting me to come over on a whim or at the last minute. You just simply have to cut 99% of the extra little things (helping friends shop at the mall, middle of the week dinners, etc) and focus on the big ones (birthdays, promotions, and your Saturdays out).

I have found it to be very helpful to write down everything on a calendar so you have everything laid out in front of you. Every night I try to do one or two chores (like a load of laundry, iron, or vacuum)that way I maximize my time with my son. He is old enough to help with some things so I try to involve him as much as I can with the chores too. My night time routine is when we spend the most time together. I make sure we sit down together every night and read some books or sing some songs.

If your friends are anything like mine, they sometimes forget that you have a son and you aren't available at a moments notice. You simply have to tell them that you aren't available during the week. If you try to pack too much stuff in, not only will your time with your son be jeopardized but so will your time for yourself. If your friends are worth anything at all, they will understand that you just simply have to make some changes in your life. The time that you spend with them will be more special.

You MUST take time for yourself. Go get your hair cut. Go to a movie on your Saturday night off. Take a bath before bed at night. You will go crazy if you don't remember that YOU are still important. Many of the mother's on Mamasource have very strong negative feelings about going out and drinking when you have children. I think that when your mother has your son, it is GREAT for you to get out and have some fun without worrying about life's stresses. I really enjoy staying with a great movie and catching up on my sleep when I get a grandparent to babysit!

If you start to feel overwhelmed ask for help!!! Don't not feel embarrassed or like you are putting people out!!!

I hope this helps. If you ever needs some advice from another single mom who can REALLY relate to what you are going through, please send me a message anytime!!! GOOD LUCK!

S.,
You are not alone. I am a single full time mother of a 3 yr old boy. His father has seen him twice, and is starting to try. His father lives in FL. My mother has been the only other active role in his life. I would not trade my son for the world, but there are days I get so tired of trying to juggle. I have several friends who I can go see, and we hang out, and I get to take Kayden along. My mother will keep my son when she can. She is my grandmothers caregiver, so sometimes it is not always possible. Friends with kids help a lot. If you need just a ear to listen who knows were you are. Let me know.

I can understand where you're coming from in that you want to come home from work and give your son quality time and also have time for yourself too whether it be going out with friends or dating or whatever. I struggle with balancing my time too (although I AM married). I think the dynamics of our lives change with our children. Not that friends and socializing become any less important, but we cannot devote the same amount of time once we've got kids because kids take A LOT of time! There are only 24 hours in a day. I feel like us moms are pounded with the notion that we can do and have everything, but if that's true there's got to be a cost and what are we willing to pay to have it all? I think we've got to carefully select what means the most to us and devote the time and attention we've got to those things. For myself it is my husband, children, God. Not to say that a few years down the road when the demands of parenthood change I can't "rebirth" my social butterfly personality. When my kids are in school I will try to take advantage of that and reevaluate my time and where it goes. As other moms have said, your mom is a huge blessing to give you one night a week watching your son. My mom lives 5 minutes away and I don't even get that even though we have a great relationship! She's got 8 grandkids so the time has to be evenly divided :) Good luck figuring out the balancing act. You've got to do what works for you and your son and that's the best you can do.