Single Mom Seeking Someone Elses Advice

L.,
Just the way your note is written, you know in your heart what you should do. You don't NEED this guy, even if you feel you really want to be with him.

If you or he aren't willing to commit to marriage, then you shouldn't kid yourself about committing your daughter to an unstable home.

That's really what it boils down to. Moving in with him isn't going to be "having a place of your own" - it's going to be living in someone else's house who maybe has less rules than your parents? Doesn't try to run your life as much?

Whatever the reasons for wanting to leave your parents, for yourself and your daughter's sake, you should get a place of YOUR OWN. Not move in with someone else unless it's a roommate situation and SHE is someone who likes kids.

Not that I don't understand loneliness or any of what you may be going through - but in the end, if you stick to princples instead of rationalizing desires, you and your daughter will be much better off.

God bless,

E.

Hi L.,
I too don't get the idea that this is what you really want for yourself from the sound of your letter. You didn't say anything about loving this man or that you plan to marry him. Putting your daughter in this type of home life sets her up for heartache and confusion. At 7, she really needs you to be an example of what a good home life is all about even without a Dad figure right now. I'm sure you want her to have good relationships when she grows up and now is a CRITICAL time to start teaching and showing that. Even though I know it must be very hard to be back in your parents home, you should try to stay, save money and prepare to move into your own little place when you have your nursing degree and earning a better living. I would hope that you and your daughter receive love and support from you parents. Every example from you that your daughter sees is what she will pattern her adult life like. Right now it has to be all about her not you! That's the price we prepare to pay when we have children. Ofcourse you are important but living with a man out of wedlock is not the way to show her a stable home life or how relationships work. With a daughter you have alot more to worry about than with a son. Remember in just a few years she could be the single mom with a baby living at home with her parent - you. Take care of your daughter! Be a smart example in your own relationships for her sake! I'll be praying for you both. K.

Hello L.,

My name is T.. I too am a part-time nursing student at Kent State and a full time worker and single mom. The best advice I can give you sweetie it to step outside yourself and look at this situation with logic. My son is 7 years old and he is VERY smart. He sees everything that goes on around him even if he doesn't react to it right away. Everyone has flaws but alcoholism is a big problem that can progress into other problems. I understand that he seems responsible and these statments I am making are not to discount him being a good person but you have yourself and you beautiful daughter to worrying about. Statistics show that 3 out of 5 victims of domestic violence abusers were under the influence. Don't move too fast, get on your feet find your own place for you and your daughter. So what you live at home, if you feel that you are creating an unstable living environment for your daughter, your job as her mother is to fix that. Moving in with him gives you no stability of your own. Should the relationship go bad, (Heaven Forbid) where would you two go? What would you do? My Fiance' and I are in the process of moving into seperate apartments because we have differences we need to work on apart. I now have to cover all the bills and that puts great strain on me. I feel his absence because I have to pick up the financial slack. So,I know how things can be on both sides of the fence. You do not want to be alone yet, you want to do what's right huh? Just think things through completely. For I am on the outside looking in and do not really know your situation. I'm sure you are very smart and you will come to the decison that is best for you both.

Be Blessed!

T.

I'd have to agree with most of the other responses.
I am a single mom of 2 children and I live at home with my parents. I do feel like I would love to move out to be on my own, but not with a guy. I would strongly suggest getting out truly on your own, getting your own place for you and your child. The drinking is a problem. I know alcoholism from my family, and it is not a good place to put children. At 7 I'm sure the kid has got a pretty good sense of what is going on with the situation. Maybe more than you think... I would definitely evaluate the situation further before making any leaps. Doesn't seem like you're even completely thrilled about this guy, and from the outside, that doesn't look too good.

Hi L.,
I understand your position completely. My 8 year old is from a previous relationship and we lived with my parents until he was 2. I completely know the feeling of wanting to get out on your own. Believe me though, you should try getting out on your own. Have you had a place for just you and your daughter? How long have you been seeing this guy? The drinking thing concerns me. I guess it depends on how he acts though, is he mean when drinking or just gets drunk and passes out? How often does this happen? Ok, well obviously you can see there are a ton of questions to ask yourself. Make yourself a list of pros and cons for living with him or finding a place of your own, or even just staying where you are.

Good luck with whatever you decide!!

Hi L.:

The thing that disturbs me the most in your post is that you never said if you were actually in love with your boyfriend or not. Being in love should help you make your decision. You mentioned that he is a good guy, but is that enough for you? That you DID mention that he drank too much means much more; and please be very, very wary of this. (You really already have a sense if he's an alcoholic or not).

Children are very flexible, some more than others. They need to have a sense of stability and belonging, not necessarily a house that belongs to the parent(s). As long as she has that, no worries. Best luck in this decision!

K. in Tallmadge

sounds like you need to sit down with your daughter and see how she feels about this guy and his kids. Tell her that you would like to move in with him and how you feel about him.Try to reasure her that things may be kinda hard at first but you think that you could make this new family work and explain all the bonuses of haveing a larger family. After all that you still need to make the final decision I dont think you should do or not do something like this ssimply because of what your daughter may think. Kids adapt to things really well. I am saying all this from experience...my mom re married when I was 12 and it was hard to move in with another family at first...but now I call him dad and things worked out freat for every one. I hope this helps..good luck.