Single Mom Dating/relationship Advice Much Needed!

I hate to tell you this, but when my daughter was very young and she didn't like the guy I was dating, I gave up the guy. My first priority was to my daughter.

One of two things is probably going on. Please don't miss the word probably, not for sure, not I have a crystal ball and have seen, probably! One would be that your guy doesn't like or relate to your son but is placating you. Kids pick up on this where over the moon adults do not.

The other is that you ex is telling him things like he will never love you like I do which will effect your son's perception.

Have you asked your son in a calm way, why do you believe that is true? You have to keep in mind your son has a limited vocabulary and comprehension but if you really listen to him you will have your answer.

Can you guys do counseling as a "family" unit? Maybe your son feels that the guy is taking you away, or he has some other things he is afraid to talk about with you. That might really help and fix things before you and the guy get any more serious.

Do they have any common interests? Sports? Planes? Science? Cooking? Reading? Something? If so - try and do those things together to get the relationship on the right track.

If it comes down to it though, the guy would have to go. He is going to have to learn to relate, as the adult, because if you two end up married he will be your son's step father. And I'm sure he knew you were a mom when you two started dating, so if he didn't think he could handle it then he should have been adult enough to walk away.

Drop "Mr. Wonderful" and give your attention to your son. Children and animals are very intuitive. Is your son's father in his life?

Behavioural problems in such a little kid *usually* mean "I want attention and don't care HOW I get it!". So make sure you have plenty of QUALITY one-on-one time with your son.

As for the grown man and 5 year old "relating"....you all need to play together as a family so they can have fun together, laught together and get comfortable together. The first thing that comes to mind is getting everyone water guns and go nuts in the backyard - tell your man ahead of time to conspire with your son to "get mommy" at some point so they are on the same "team". Get it? Cook together, have a picnic together....do the mundane so that your man becomes part of the everyday stuff.

How does your guy act around him. Does he care that he is there? What he is doing? Does he interact with your child? Or does he count the minutes until you two can be alone?

Your personality in itself is different between when the guy is around and when you are alone with your child. Maybe that is part of what your child is picking up on. Not saying that there is something wrong with that. We all do it. Try to be on our best behavior when company is present. Maybe your kid doesn't like that or thinks its fake. I don't know. My kids would call me on it.

Do the three of you go on outings together? Go for pizza. To a movie. To the park. Everyday errands where the guy just tags along?

Your two guys need to be comfortable around each other. If each is just waiting for their 'alone time' with you, its gonna be a bumpy future.

I would listen to your son. If your boyfriend is having a hard time relating to a 4 year old, it will not get any easier later. Put your son first- you can't force a bond between them.

Try doing something fun together, the three of you. Maybe Great America? Or water park? Whatever you choose make it something your son would like to try or do.

You don't say anything about his Dad. Is his Dad in the picture? Could he be worried that you are replacing his dad so he is not nice to the man you are dating? Maybe he needs some reassurance? Do your son and your boyfriend spend enough time together so that they can get to know each other? Does your man spend too much time with the two if you and now your son doesn't have enough alone time with you? How long have you been dating?

If you go and have a fun day together and the two of them still seem "off" with each other than maybe it's time to let your boyfriend go. Way to many questions here IMO to say what you should do.

If this happened with M. I would take at as a clue that either my boyfriend didnt like my kid and I would probably end things or possibly that they are having trouble conencting with M. around.
I dont know about you, but I played over protective mom with my daughter and my boyfriend. At first that made it difficult for him to bond with her. they got along great but it progressed so slow at first (slower then if he met a strangers kid, because it was diferent , he didnt want to get close and then hurt her) he was way more relaxed with her when I wasnt standing there judging his feelings for her.
I had to go to the dentist once and he watched her alone and they had so much fun and he said how relaxed it was. I realized I needed to back off and let it progress on it's own.
If your boyfriend is serious he should be up for taking your son to something your son would enjoy and haveing boy time, without you to interfere or for your son to fight for your affection.

Kids are fickle, I wouldnt let his sole opinion of your boyfriend dictate anything but I would put a lot of weight on how my boyfriend is around my kid and if he could eventually be a 2nd father figure and treat my child as his own

put your son first. If he doesn't like the guy and he is getting the feeling that the guy doesn't like him, then you shouldn't be together. You come as a package deal and he isn't bonding with your other half (your son). It will not ever change. You can't make your bf and your son get along. It will only get worse. Loose the guy. Sorry!

I want to add another perspective... If your boyfriend doesn't have kids, he could just be uncomfortable. My fiance is a wonderful father but my daughter really didn't like him at first (she was 2). It was hard for him to continue being loving and compassionate when he was always met with negativity. Now, he is an experienced father so they were able to work it out in time. I think I would struggle being a step mother to a kid who was older than mine because I haven't been there before.

Listen to you kid, obviously you know he is first priority. But give your boyfriend and son some time to develop a relationship. Do things together as a family - go to the park, pool, zoo, whatever. Give them time to get to know each other and see how it plays out.

Good luck to you!

I'd talk to your son about why he doesn't like your boyfriend. Kids are VERY perceptive and something about this man seems wrong to your son. If it's just that the guy isn't his father, that's one thing. But perhaps he doesn't like the way you act around your boyfriend, or the boyfriend seems disinterested in your son. If it's the last one, I'd say that's a huge red flag. Your boyfriend needs to be just as interested in spending time with your son as you, since if you get married he's really marrying you both.

If your boyfriend has never spent time with kids before, he may need some help learning how to relate to your son. Find activities you can all do together and show your boyfriend what it's like to play with a kid.

It's a tough age.
Our son was having issues with Husband/Dad at that age.
At one point me and Dad were hugging and our son got into a rage.
He got in the middle, pushed Dad away and said "My Mommy! Get your own Mommy!".
We were a little stunned.
I mean, they played together all the time and are best buddies, and here we were having some pretty intense jealousy happening.
I made a point of having them have some one on one time together alone together - doing guy stuff! - when I was doing other things.
Dad got him a tool belt that was all his own and he was Daddy's little helper (they put together his wagon and tricycle - Dad took lot's of pictures!), and they had a great time looking over fire trucks together every time there was a fire station open house.
It's a stage and he eventually got over it.

Put your son first. Try to figure out what your son is picking up. If this guy can't "relate" to him, move on. He's not just dating you, it's a package deal, and he can't just have part of the packagefor the long haul. Try to step back and really SEE how they are together. There is nothing worse for a kid then to feel like some girl/guy is more important to a parent than they are. It's a hurt that doesn't go away.

I guess, If I were in your situation...

I would go with my son's instinct. The guy might really just not know how to like him. He's not a teenager. This is not a just not wanting mom to date, kind of thing. He's 4. He likely doesn't like they guy, and the guy likely doesn't like him. If I were in a relationship and it was not making my son happy, I would not be in that relationship. You are a twin package now. It has to work for both of you. It's not. Mr. Perfect, is only Mr. Perfect...if it's the right thing for both of you. It's not. Time to make a tough decision.

LISTEN TO THE KID!!

I can't tell you how much I wish I'd have taken this advice when I was dating.

Allot of behaviorial problems usually means there's something else going on. And any time a man says he's having a hard time relating to a child, usually means that down the road won't give him the time of day.

I vote stop seeing him. You don't want to hear that, I know but had I listened to my gut about my ex, I would have known that when him and my daughter didn't get along in the beginning, it would only get worse when we married and he informed me he never wanted to have her around in the first place.

Time to move on....

Sending good thoughts your way.