Siblings Not Getting Along

We have six kids in our house, plus many guests. For the most part, they get along pretty well. These are the problem-solving rules and expectations. Hope they are helpful for you. Good luck.

Basic assumptions for all problem-solving:
Authority figures can use the tools of authority (punishment, giving orders). Everyone else has to interact as equals, and use the tools of influence.
Everyone is required to either work together to solve problems, or choose to withdraw from the group and play alone. It is not anyone's job to make anyone else happy. It is everyone's job to work together to solve problems in a way that is fair to everyone.
Everyone is expected to use strong voices and clear words. No one is allowed to be a victim here.

Solving Problems Between Equals
1. Define the problem. Talk to each other until you agree upon the definition of the problem. Define the problem in terms that don't blame anyone.
2. Work together to think of ideas that might solve the problem.
3. Work together to pick a solution.
4. Try that solution. If it doesn't work, go back to step 1 and try again.
5. If this doesn't work, get help from an authority figure.

Solving Problems Between Equals with a mediator
1. Define the problem. The mediator helps each person take turns speaking. The mediator assists each person to define the problem in non-judgmental terms. The mediator helps summarize what each person thinks the problem is.
2. Work together to think of ideas. The mediator helps each person to be able to express their ideas. The mediator lists out ideas. The mediator may add in some new ideas as well.
3. Work together to pick a solution. The mediator does not pick a solution for the people having a problem. The mediator may help with practical information like “everyone won't get a turn if turns are an hour long.” Final decision as to acceptable solution needs to be from the people with the problem, however.
4. Try the solution. The mediator may leave at this point, or may stay involved to make sure the proposed solution is being implemented as agreed-upon.
5. If things aren't working, repeat the process. The mediator may also convert to the tools of authority and intervene with rules and instructions.

Solving Problems as a Authority Figure
1. Observe. What exactly is going on?
2. Define the problem. What exactly is the problem?
3. Ask questions about the problem. What's driving this? Is someone tired? Hungry? Bored? Misinformed? Looking for attention? There is a reason behind all choices. Identify that reason. Why does this problem exist?
4. Modify the environment or expectations to address the “why”. Perhaps everyone needs a rest time. Perhaps the item under contention needs to be removed. Perhaps it is time to serve snack. Perhaps someone needs a penalty. Fix the core issue so that the trouble level goes down to something the kids can handle on their own.
5. Communicate with other authority figures your observations and conclusions.

Here's a suggestion for a brilliant and practical book that has made a huge difference for several families I know: Siblings Without Rivalry, by Faber and Mazlish. And by the same authors, the teen version of ow to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. These folks lead parenting workshops and really know how to support what's best in kids, and bring it out. I use their approach with my 5.5yo grandson with amazing results (though we don't have sibling issues).

It's a tough age. I'm sure the 10 year old is bugging the hell out of your 13 year old, and your 13 year old probably doesn't even understand why he's so irritated all the time. Hormones are raging and it's a big period of growth and adjustment. Whatever the teen's going through effects the whole family.
I wish I had some advice. I have two teens and a tween so I sympathize. Make sure you give YOURSELF a break. Can you get away for an overnight or weekend with a friend? It does help recharge your batteries! Good luck :)

I have an almost 13 and 9 and they bickering constantly!! They used to play together so happily but in the past 2 years they usually fight. We just remind them to be pleasant and friendly and try to separate them. I also signed them up for a summer program - and they are not together. Good-luck.

I frequently remind my teenagers that being a teen is not a license to be a jerk.

When they're not getting along with others (and when it's clear that their attitude is the problem), I ask them to go to their rooms and return when they feel like getting along with everybody else. This accomplishes several things: It calms the existing situation, helps the teen to take time to themselves when they need it (but didn't necessarily realize it), and helps the teen learn to analyze their behavior in terms of appropriateness. It also lets them have time to themselves when they're feeling over the top. When they come back they're making the choice to get along with everybody else.

But you should apply this to the 10.5-year old as well. There are probably times when he's obviously annoying his brother. You can point out to him what he's doing and ask him to adjust his behavior.

The other thing I do is ask my kids to "rate" their reactions. For example, a couple of days ago something spilled on my son's X-box cords, and his sister made some kind of snide comment. He got furious and stormed off to his room for the night. The next day, I was able to ask him, on a scale of 1 to 10 (where 10 is blowing up the house) what kind of reaction did he think his sister's comments warranted. He admitted that it was probably a 1 or less than 1, but his actual reaction was somewhere around a 4 or 5. It helped him to sort out his feelings and see that he could have handled it differently.

Good luck!

My mom used to put my brother (2 years younger than me) and I in a room and tell us not to come out until we were over it. We would beat the stuffing out of each other and call each other every name we could think of (even made up new ones)... She was OVER the tattle tales and silly arguements.

I do this with my girl (but they don't fist fight like we did!) It works pretty well, making them figure it out on their own. They get exhausted from arguing and really DO end up compromising and apologizing on their own.

At 13 1/2, that's a tough age. He needs to respect and be cordial with his brother, and maybe the 10 1/2 year old needs to stand up for himself and tell his older bro to stop being a jerk!! Sit them both down and tell them that if you need to talk to them like 5 year olds who don't know how to stop calling each other names, they'll go in time out like 5 year olds.

On a side note, some siblings never get along (I posted a question about this forever ago)... but some are best friends. They may not like each other now, but they may be attached at the hip once they get older! Either way, whether they like each other or not is going to be NO reflection of the way you brought them up... it's going to be determined on who they grow into as a person (so don't take it personally! It's not you mama!)

Hope it gets better :)