Sibling Rivalry with Dog

I think I would get her a pet of her own. To take care of and love (and to learn the responsibility of having pets) I think something small, maybe a hamster or a guinea pig or a rabbit. That might help switch her focus from tormenting the dog to something else. And 5 years old is old enough to start learning to care for another animal, my five year old asks to feed my rabbit all the time. I think that could be a good learning experience for her.

I read your request several times to be as sure as I could that I was reading it correctly. If I am reading it right, you do have a serious problem that will only become bigger as time passes.
I would suggest you read your own letter again as someone from the outside looking in. It appears you have placed your child and your dogs on equal ground. You refer to your child and the dogs as siblings. You then refer to all as critters. That is unhealthy for all in your house, human and dog.
You've had the dogs longer than the child and it is understandable that you love your dogs. You stated that Belle is "yours". It seems you have made the mistake of many dog owners of "humanizing" your dogs, especially Belle. In your daughter's eyes, you give much more attention(love) to the dogs than to her. You send your daughter to time out to teach her to respect the dogs. Are the dogs ever sent away to make space for just your daughter? Is there ever time she is with you without the dogs being present? If not, then what you are teaching your child is the dogs are more important.
You began teaching your child from an early age to respect the dogs, but did you teach the dogs to respect your child?
No matter what we think, or how much we love our dogs, or how much we confuse them by projecting human attributes on them, they are still dogs. Pack animals by nature. Whether you realize it or not, or accept it or not, you have a pack and pack order which includes the humans in the house. From your letter, it seems Belle is the pack leader, you follow behind her, then the other two dogs, then your daughter and husband.
When you tell your daughter that you love "all your girls", you basically equate her as a dog. When you tell her the dogs are as special as she is, you send the same message. Your daughter's actions toward the dogs are to be expected as she has to compete for your attention and does a human version of the pack behavior of moving up in the pack.
I see one of two things happening. Your daughter's attempts to place herself at the top of the pack will continue to escalate, she will become more aggressive toward the dogs, as that's the way dogs do it and your have taught her dog behavior is preferable to human. This will also be her behavior toward other children, as that will be the way she has learned to deal with issues.
Or, your daughter will give up on trying to move up in the pack and withdraw from you. She will give you all the space she thinks you want with the dogs. Your own words state that you "make space" for her, but the dog was there first.
Your daughter needs to know that she is your daughter and the dogs are the dogs. Your dogs need to know that this child is above them in the pack.
If you already refer to your daughter and the dogs as your girls in your home, as siblings, you will most likely do it with others outside the home. This will be most humiliating to your child and if other children hear this kind of statement, they will, as children do, repeat and expand those statements. This could cause great emotional damage to your child.
There is no reason that all critters in your house cannot cohabit happily. It is a matter of changing perceptions and perspective. Ask yourself the basic question. Why do you have the dogs? Companionship, affection, come when they are called(on demand), entertainment? They are, basically, your toys. Why do have a child?
We can love our dogs as much as we love any human, however, we must show that affection to each in it's proper manner. It's very confusing to dogs to be treated as human and vice-versa. Perhaps you really do love your dogs more than the humans in your house. It's not all that uncommon. If that's the case, you simply need to acknowledge the fact to yourself and deal with it.
I read another post that suggested you don't have to prove you love you daughter more than the dogs. I disagree with that. By "making space" for your daughter among the dogs, by punishing her for competing for your affection, you are proving to her you do love the dogs more. Kids are so often on target with their summation of a situation and honest about it and their feelings on the subject.
I highly recommend you watch the Cesar Milan Dogwhisperer program on NATG channel. You might also check his website for books and DVDs. This man has great insight and advice for dog owners who have, without realizing, let the dogs become the pack leaders of the house. It happens even with the seemingly most docile and lovable dogs.
It really is up to you. You are training the entire household. You love your husband and child, you love your dogs, but truthfully, one or the other has to come first. Whether or not you say it, put it verbally, your actions will tell both who really is first.

Before we had kids, we got a book it was either "Dog-proofing your child" or "Childproofing your dog". I can't remember after so many years. It sounds like you are doing all the right things. We prepped our dogs for kids by petting them a bit rougher than what they were used to including some fur pulling. That is something that you can still integrate, so your dog isn't as scared of her. We were always firm about how to be gentle to an animal and how to treat an animal. Compared to many family dogs, my dogs really lucked out. Since you know there are issues going on, don't leave your dogs alone with her. Even an animal with alot of patience will eventually defend itself if it is really threatened. I think in time, it will all pass. I bet there are some books you could read together about the fantastic relationships between people and pets.

You could also call a local humane society and see if you could talk with a pet behaviorist for additional ideas. Pets can bring such blessings into your life with unconditional love. Let her know about that, but also your commitment to Belle when you adopted her. Just like my kids fight among each other, I tell them there will always be people in their lives that they just don't click with and yet they will need to figure out a way to work with. It is training ground for all her future interactions with all sorts of people and animals.

Good luck!
S.

A five year old child is old enought to know better. She needs to be given the chance to interact with the pets in positive ways such as feeding, brushing, and walking (walking is so good for both dogs and kids) the dogs with you. She is old enough to learn what is OK and what is not, and when she makes poor choices she needs to be punished with loss of priveleges and time outs or whatever you deem approprite, but she should not find her punishments pleasant. Don't let your child become a bully, she will start to believe that she can treat people this way as well.

If your daughter is saying she thinks you love the dog more than her, then she must really be feeling that. It sounds to me like you need to have more specific one-on-one time with your daughter where the dog is not involved. Make a big deal out of it being just her. And I would suggest once in a while having your daughter sit on your lap alone without the dog. Not giving in each time she comes running in jealous, but maybe once or twice letting her sit on your lap and moving the dog off. I don't think your dog will care once or twice because she already knows you love her. Your daughter, apparently, doesn't. It would probably go a long way in "proving" your love for your daughter if you would choose her over the dog a few times. Not that you should have to "prove" it, but she's 5. Kids that age sometimes don't think rationally and remember all the things you do for her because you love her. They just need a reminder now and then. Other than that, the other posters had great ideas for teaching your daughter to respect your animals as part of the family. Good luck.

Hi K.,
First when you have told her you love all your girls, You should tell her you will always love her more because you are my special and most precious baby girl. For a while you may need to prove that to her. Like when she comes to sit with you have Belle get down. Then maybe ask your daughter what she'd like to do with you. Like play a game, read a book to her, draw or color together. It sounds like she thinks the dogs are 1st in your life then her. So of course she is not going to be a animal lover. You will have to constantly show her she''s first then the dogs. I know this is going to be hard (I have 3 kids and 3 dogs also) but you may need to stop showing the dogs any affection around your daughter for a while, till you see improvment in how she treats the dogs. You can still give them affection after she has gone to bed or when she's not around, but when she's around you need to avoid holding them, petting and even playing with them. Not completely, you can still pet them and give them treats, just try avoid doing it with in ear and eye shot of your daughter. Just until she sees you love her most, and that the dogs are not her siblings but can be her friends too. The dogs will need to be retrained as well, they need to see your daughter is first before them, or later you could have serious problems with them.
Hope this helps
E.

Hi,

I completely agree with Deborah G. She is right on. You need to seriously rethink your priorities and the messages you have been sending your DAUGHTER!! I would strongly advise you to ponder the email from Deborah. You have created a rather emotionally unhealthy situation for your daughter, and you need to correct it, and quick.

Hi, K., I have a three year old who has said, you don't love, me, you love the dogs. This freaked me out, even though I know she likes to tease me in general lately. Since she first said it, I make sure I tell her even more than before, "I love you best of all in the whole wide world." Also, I do some acting--for example, if they are looking at her food, I make a big deal, and say, "Oh, no, that's not your food, that's Carly's." Or if someone's on her beanbag chair, and she hates when they are although I don't see what the big deal is, I insist that the dog get off. (I never use a really angry tone, not anything that will freak the dogs out, but enough to make my daughter feel like she's absolutely number one.)It seems to have helped. I also try to be sure that I don't give the dogs too much attention when she's in the room, and often I will put them in another part of the house when we are busy doing something together. This said, of course I love my daughter, but I am also absolutely crazy about my dogs. They give me so much, especially when I feel exhausted from the demands of being a mommy. My time with them is primarily when my daughter goes to bed. Also, for everyone's sake, I try my best to NEVER allow them to be alone with her. It sounds like you'll need to be really careful that she doesn't hurt them, as you've said. Good luck.

She is five and very much understands. She may truly be feeling jealousy, then it is time to maybe check out a book at the library about those feelings and work through them with her. You shouldn't refer to your pets as children however. She is feeling that and you have to address your part in why she feels like that.
However, What she is doing is considered abusive to a pet. Do not allow it. Punish her immdediately when she is mean to the dog, regardless of jealousy or whatever, it isn't allowed period. It is unacceptable for any child to be mean or cruel due to jealousy. What if you had another baby? She needs to accept the fact that dogs need attention and love too.

One day one of those dogs are going to bite her for fear of her hurting them, which isn't fair to the dog because it will get punished. Intervene now, teach her that it is NEVER okay to be mean to an animal, human being or anyone as she will have a lot of issues in school too.

I have two kids and though they sometimes want my attention at the same time, there is never toleration for mean spirited behavior due to jealousy. They neither actually get jealous. I carve out special time for each one. They both know they will get time with me, that if one is on my lap and we are talking then they are not allowed to interupt and be patient. Teach her to walk away if she isn't going to sit nicely when the dog is around.

I agree with Deborah. Put your child and huband first. Dogs are great but they will always be dogs.