Sibling Rivalry - Spicewood, TX

I am 24, mother of 2 under 5 also, and married for 6 1/2 years and housewife.
My girl is 4 and my son is 2, he is more of the bully, lol but I dont think that letting them "duke it out" for a few will damage them forever. Im ok with the as long as no ones bleeding method! I let mine just work it out on their own mostly unless it seems to carry on a little too long. If thats the case then they are told\shown how to handle the situation better, then I tell them to go play alone for a while. if they keep it up then they get into trouble.

and if anyone else dosen't agree, and thinks I or (if anyone else agrees)we are wrong I will just comment that my childeren are both well mannered and are not bad behaved. They, like some kids, just have days where they will not get along at all :)

I'm in the same boat but with 3. All my older relatives say to let them handle it - you step in when absolutely necessary. And don't step in to ref, but to handle a bad situation and give them ideas on how to handle it next time. I hate being a ref, but I also hate hearing and seeing the fighting. It's usually over some toy. When I know it's just a toy, then I just take the toy away. I wish I could offer more. Let me know if you find something that works.

I have a son that will be 13 yrs next month and a daughter that just turned 10 yrs Monday and I am a young mom, 29. I have observed parents who let their children "duke it out" and their children have ended up being quite disrespectful and through the years it never gets better only worse. My rules have always been very simple with my children. They love one another and they do not hit or show any violence toward one another. If there is a problem they are either supposed to talk it out or ask for help from us. If one of them hits, they are the one who gets in the most trouble, in other words their hitting to take care of things will only backfire on them no matter who started the argument. I have also made them sit down and do an activity together, tiddy up one of their rooms, color or dig in the dirt, even sit on the couch and hold hands until they could tell each other they were sorry and offer a hug (sitting right beside them or not far away of course). I think my plan has worked for the best. At the age they are now, they get along quite well and do a lot of things together and enjoy one another. You as a mother may get tired of them fighting and feel like there is nothing you can do, but you have to step in if you ever expect them to have a productive relationship down the road. Stay firm about them getting along and not fighting and stick to your guns every time you see it starting. I wish you the best and know that if you handle things they will be the best of friends when they are older.

My brother and I fought like cats and dogs growing up. You have to play referee. You call the shots when it has gone too far. Also remember when that great friend would come to spend the entire weekend at your house. By Sunday you were so over that friend and didnt want to be with them at all. Make breaks for them if possible. Make them play alone if thats all you can do. Looks like being homeschooled means they are together alll the time. Hope that helps...btw my brother and I are now good friends.

Would love to hear what others say, b/c I'm in the same boat!

My girls are the same way (age 1 and 2). So, I can tell you what I do and hope it helps. I do in fact just let them resolve their own issues (as long as they don't really rough each other up) but when I have to intervene then I stay patient (even if it kills me and it almost does) and separate them and in a kind voice tell them something like "love and kiss sissy, don't hurt her she is special to us just like you are." Then, she goes over and kisses her and says sorry and they play like nothing ever happened. Hope this helps some.

My oldest two are 6 and almost 4, and they fight like CRAZY. Bicker, bicker, bicker--that's all they do, at least when we're at home or in the car. (Well, not ALL they do, but what they do a lot! And when we go out somewhere, they get along great.) What really annoys me at this point is the tattling--"Mom, she hit me!" "Mom, he pinched me!" etc. etc. So now I tell them they are free to fight as long as no one gets hurt, BUT I don't want to hear about it. Plus, I have given permission to fight back, especially in the car. So when my 6yo hits my 3yo, she has permission to hit back. It has actually worked most of the time because suddenly, my 6yo doesn't want to get hit back, so he doesn't hit in the first place, and vice versa. I also remind them both OFTEN that they wouldn't hit any of their friends at school--not to mention reminding them of what the consequences would be if they were to do so--and ask them why they treat their siblings worse than they do at their school. They can't really answer, but I keep hoping that it gets them thinking about the way they are treating each other. In the meantime, I'm just fed up with the bickering that continues, even as I realize I've probably got another 10 years of it, at least!! Good luck to you. Just realize you're not alone in dealing with sibling bickering.

Hi: I've got a 6 yr.old girl and a 4 yr.old boy. My two cents: physical fighting should not be allowed. period. If they are squabbling about a toy (and it goes on too long w/o resolution) I put the toy in time out. If there is any hitting, kicking, etc. that child goes in time out and then we have a discussion about what it means to be a loving family and then there are "sorries" given. If one retaliates by hitting, kicking, etc. for something the other did (e.g. my 4 yr. old just can't get enough of standing about 2 feet away and just stares at his sister b/c it make her scream) then the hitter goes to time out and the "prevoker" gets the "talk" or a timeout depending upon what he/she did to cause the other to hit him/her. Does it take a tremendous effort and time to stay calm, focused, and create a lot of frustration on my part, yep you bet. But physical violence begets physcial violence and I think that it send the wrong message and that it will "bleed" over to the children's friends regardless of telling them it's o.k. to hit your family members but not your friends(and like someone mentioned no other parent is going to want yours playing with theirs if physical violece is occurring). If it's just bickering back and forth, I let them try to come to a resolution on their own and only referre when it gets past 5 or so minutes of serious arguing and looks like it might turn physical. Good luck : )

I think kiddos that age are too young to resolve their differences easily. I think older school aged kiddos should be able to work/reason things out, but at younger ages they are still pretty impulsive, can't reason well, and have vivid imaginations (that don't always match up with reality).

My kiddos are 2 & 4, and I intervene whenever they get physical- or I think they might get physical. I think at this age they still need coaching or consequences (like putting a contested toy in time out) in order to encourage good behavior.

I also use lots of positive reinforcement when I see them doing something right: "Good job..." sharing, taking turns, playing nicely, etc.

A book I found useful with tips on fostering sibling cooperation was "Siblings without rivalry".

Hi M.. I have raised 4 kids. My own and my husbands two. With the first two there was 10 years difference and it worked out well. With the other two they are within two years of each other and have been fighting and competing for attention since day one of their arrival. Kids fight. I say let them fight but make them fight in their own space. I tell them that while they do not get along the rest of us don't have to put up with their animosity and ill feelings towards one another. This will not work for the two little ones but what might is that You remove them to a safe place when they fight. They are old enough to sense and know that when Mom or Dad says "Oh you have to fight somewhere else cause we don't like it" they quickly notice that there is no attending audience. Nobody likes to fight without an audience. Believe me they get along pretty good when you aren't watching (be the fly on the wall) and start young noticing that when they fight they get attention.

Also as they get older make them speak to you the audiece in a public manner and together about why they are fighting. Have them stand together and make each tell you (the audience) why they are fighting. Sometimes it sounds so silly they realize that they are wasting time over nothing.

Another thing to try is the what would you do in their position tack. Make them come up creative ways of dealing with the situation.

Finally if all else fails handle their fights matter of fact with no apparent leaning toward one or the other. They are very competative creatures and sense when somebody is "on their side" or not. Good luck. Mine are still pretty much arguing but at least not where everybody else has to deal with it or put up with it.

Hi Mariah,
I had a hard time reading some of these responses.How can anyone be okay w/siblings hitting{beating on each other}.What should be taught in this situation is disipline for the sibling.Discipine will bring unity between the aggresor and teach theres other ways to resolve issues in life and between them.At the same time bring some peace to your home and not the nonsense if that will continue if you don't show them diffrent.
Its as easy as putting them in a corner for however minutes each one is to thier age.2 years old 2 min 4yr. 4 min. It will be tough at first to make them stay,but its dedication and consistency on your part to show them how serious you are about the bad behavior not being acceptable.In the long run you'll see it will benefit your children now and in the future and the KAOS will be eliminated from your household.Im not saying its an easy task to do but if you stick to it you'll see that the kids will learn and are capable of learning that hitting is not okay.How will they resolve their issues in the future w/friends,other parents aren't going to want thier children around children that haven't been taught better or to resolve issues.Its sad to know that many of the responses were that it is okay to hit.If you say you've read possibly every book in the library then you should have read something on child rearing.Be a parent and do yalls duty to teach your children better values in life.

My husband is one of 4 boys and we have 2 boys and a girl. We actually have fighting rules. If you choose to fight rule 1)is no crying, 2) no biting or scratching. Finally as they have gotten older we began two other rules 1) if someone hits you, you can only retaliate with equal force 2) if mom's deems that either hit was unfair she can hit you 10 times, 10 times as hard. (Never actually done, just a threat to create humor and make them think is fighting really worth it)

Seriously, children fight, I think most of the time children fight less if no one jumps in and stops it. The big problem comes from bullying. Make sure the stronger child is not bullying or threatening the weaker one to get their way.

Last as they get older I have explained that they don't see daddy hit mommy, or mommy hit daddy, or hit grandparents etc... but there are times that we disagree about something. I have told them that the mature way to handle it is to discuss the disagreement and come to a decision on how to handle it instead of physically fighting it out.

If they can't fight that way with other children at school, why would it be ok at home?

Plus, you may think that your younger daughter can stand up for herself, but the reality is that she is physically smaller/weaker than a child that is 2 years older, her balance and coordination are not as developed... She will be at a disadvantage in every confrontation. So, your older girl will be taught to bully and your younger girl will be taught to be conniving and retaliatory.

I'm sure you are mentally exhausted by playing referee all the time, but this is not a way to teach conflict resolution to young children. Besides, I doubt they will magically develop the social skills to form loving sisterly relationships after years of ugly sibling battles. You'll just be teaching them to avoid and tolerate each other... My brother and I are 19 months apart and had huge sibling rivalry throughout our childhood... He always won our disagreements because he could push me over and sit on me--Oh, except that Christmas when he pushed the tree on top of me instead of sharing the train set. Ultimately, I think that history had a major influence on us avoiding each other as teens and even now as adults. We just don't have very many pleasant, playful memories of each other; we were not raised as siblings, we were raised as adversaries. Is that what you really want for your girls?

wow, sounds like my girls! LOL my girls are 4 and 2 also, and up until recently they always played fairly nice together. now, i can't wait for my eldest to start pre-k next week so i can get a break from their squabbling!
so i may not be much help, but here's what i try to do: 1st, as long as they aren't hitting, screaming, pushing, etc. i try not to step in b/c i believe that working out your problems as a kid will help you do the same as adults. 2nd, i try and keep tabs on who had what and for how long b/c if a fight breaks out over that item i can say "ok you've had the doll for awhile so now it's your sister's turn!" 3rd, i try not to take the same side all the time so neither of them has resentment towards me for "always" choosing the other side. 4th, i tell them if they can't play nicely together i will just take the toy(s) in question (that usually shapes them up pretty quick LOL). 5th, i always make them apologize for being mean (whether it was hitting or just saying something mean)
i think what i'm doing works fairly well b/c they still play nicely about half the time LOL conflict is just a normal part of being human i think, so instead of trying to prevent conflict, try and teach them to manage it on their own. hope this helps you and hang in there!

I think it probably depends on the situation. Sometimes it is best to let your kids work it out themselves, but if they're not responsible, you will probably need to step in, until they are. If you don't know who's to blame, send them both to a time out. Or even if you do... the one needs to learn not to start it, the other needs to learn not to fire up and retaliate. GL :)

At 4 and 2, I would help them solve their problems. Model the skills that they need, like taking turns talking. Guide them through telling each other why they are angry.

I have a 3 and 2 year old, and in general that is what I do. Sometimes, we just have them take a break from each other. You can't get along with someone all the time, especially when you live together.