Sibling Rivalry?? - Chicago,IL

I'm wondering if your daughter has needs to learn new ways to relate with her brother and is having difficulty doing this. He's become more independent, able to walk and have strong preferences of his own. She's become frustrated and lashes out physically. Because she tends to be too rough by nature her frustration comes out in scratching and hitting.

I agree with Peg M. The book about talking and listening with our child might help you be able to learn from her what she's thinking and feeling. Acknowledging her angry thoughts/feelings will help her be able to learn how to manage them. Being able to talk about how she feels will make her have less of a need to act them out.

Your son is at the stage in which he's comfortable playing by himself or next to another toddler. Your daughter is wanting to play with other children, especially with her brother. She needs help learning how to deal with that difference in expectations.

She is developing a different relationship with her brother because of his increased independence and perhaps needs reassurance that he loves her even when he doesn't want to do what she wants. I suggest spending time, if you don't already, playing with the two of them, modeling how to play side by side with the littlest one and saying out loud what her little brother may be thinking Be sure to include his possible thoughts about her such as saying I like having you next to me but I want to play by myself.

Of course your daughter feels some jealousy that plays into some of her actions but not all of them. She's also at an age where she is learning new skills and is aware of feelings in a different way. She can now verbalize her feelings while her little brother cannot. Spending time with her alone, as you suggested, is a good idea. During that time you can use some of the ideas from How to Talk so Your Child can Listen and vice versa with her. It really does make a difference in how we word things.

Perhaps you can teach her to come to you when she's having difficulty with her brother. Remind her to use her words even tho brother does not respond by doing what she wants. If you're nearby you will pick up on her tone of voice and intervene earlier. Give her a way to vent her anger. I often tell my grandchildren to run to the corner and back or count how many times they can jump up and down. By the time they're thru they've often forgot why they were angry.

Another vote for the book Siblings Without Rivalry. I just read it and returned it to the library this week. I have been trying some of their techniques with my 4 kids and they are so simple but do work. Another one you might want to consider is The 5 Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman. My husband has read it and said it was good and I am working on the one for adults now. Some very interesting insights.

Start with two books by Faber and Mazlish: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, and also Siblings Without Rivalry. Although I haven't read Siblings, I know a few young famililes who have and recommend it highly. And I'm sure it's as practical and compassionate as the book on Listening, which I'm reading for the third time. I apply those principles with my 4.5yo grandson, and he responds wonderfully even when he's having a grouchy day.

You say your daughter was a "VERY" difficult baby, and it sounds like you are admirably accepting of that. She may be experiencing another phase of her particular difficulties, which may keep emerging in one way or another her whole life. Which means you and her dad will be challenged again and again to find out what's going on with her, and respond creatively. You appear to have done a great job so far. I wish you well!

Sound like there is definitely some sib. rivalry issues going on with your little girl; but sounds like you seem to be handling them fairly well. It is hard for her to see attention that was previously given to her, now given to little brother. Be sure when brother is napping or doing something with dad that you are giving her special time with you one on one, just play or sit and read her favorite book; dont do this only on Mondays it needs to be done each day Mom. The ugly meanness she exhibited at the park was not good though. I would have quickly explained to her that you do not like when she is like that and it is not nice or ok to hit and scratch anyone then taken her home immediately after apologizing to the man. Keep addressing her poor behavior as it occurs with consequences that mean something to her.Be sure you and Dad are consistent. Anotherr thought, have you considered putting her in preschool for a few 1/2 days per week. She is at an age where it will benefit her and she will learn how to socialize better in a more structured environment. I think it might be good for her. Also be sure when she is behaving well and nicely that she is consistently being praised by you and your husband. THis will reinforce good behavior and give her attention when she is behaving the right way. In addition, I would take her to the library or bookstore and ck out or get some good childrens books on
being a big sister or having a new baby at home (dealing with sib. rivalry) there are lots of good books out there on this subject. Good luck

Well, one your daughter is doing what she should for her age, so she is par for the course, you should be proud. However, as parents we need to help them understand their behavior and actions are not acceptable. Help her discover ways to express herself that doesn't harm anyone but lets her get "that" out. We say and I said when I was a nanny, that "that behaviour is unacceptable" I try and teach my son, like I taught my charges what I didn't like, their feelings and what else they could do. Some of my favorite books to deal with this are Myrna B. Shure, I can problem solve, it does work, but it helps you and her sort through feelings. Kids Are Worth it by Barbara Coloroso, she give great advise on punshiment for crimes and helping you get through "those" days. I have taugh my charges as I am teaching my son, that if he is that upset or that angry, to please just go up to your room and spent some time getting all "that" out. All of my charges and my son, who is 2 1/2 realize this is not a punishment, but just a way to release that engery. It is hard when you are three-five because most kids still can not express exactly how they are feeling, plus that don't want your help, but still need it. It is a very frustrating time. I try to get down to my sons level, look him in the eyes and say I understand you are frustrated, mad, sad, whatever I can see and ask if he would like to talk, of course, this is after he can calm down. It is starting to work with him, I ask questions like can you tell me what is going on? are you mad? etc. I try to make him understand that I realize what is going on, but just don't like what he did. I ask him to try and do better, because I know it will happen again, he is only two and I don't expect him to never do that again, just try harder to handle it better.

Good luck!

I don't have a lot of advice but it doesn't seem like sibling rivalry. Just like your daughter testing her boundries. 1-2-3 Magic is a great book and has info for all ages. Also we have used a "happy face" chart with my daughter (who is great 95% of the time--it's that other 5%) She has issues with tamtrums occasionally. She had to earn her fishing pole, scooter, etc. If she threw a tantrum all her smiley faces came down and she has to start over. Also make sure you are giving your son the same type of one on one time so she sees she is not queen of the house. Don't know if I was very helpful or not.

I hate to suggest this, but she's old enough for time outs. I'd rent a video called 1, 2, 3 Magic. It will totally help change her tone and make your life so much better.