Sibling Issues - Coatesville,PA

Hi J., I have three girls. The first two are two years apart and there is a three year gap between #2 and #3. We had some sib issues...and there is a simple fix. Take some time each day to be alone with your oldest (and I'm not just talking about nap time). For 5 yrs he has had your total attention and now you have a baby that demands attention 24/7. That is hard for anyone to adjust to...much less a child who doesn't understand that it's okay to have mixed feelings and that in a couple of years that baby will be lots of fun! Take him for a walk, take him to the grocery store, take him to the library, sit and watch his favorite tv show, read a book, work on an art project... When he comes home from pre-school or kindergarden greet him with open empty arms believe me when I say you will notice a difference in him in just a couple of days! Dad should try to make some "alone" time with him every day too. Give him time. It does take a while for the family to adjust and re-form with any new addition! Best wishes.

I don't have a whole lot of advice. Only to try and reassure him that you DO still love him, and try to spend some time with just him.

I am going thru this right now with my almost 8 year old daughter and my 13 month old son. She is acting out all the time, doing things that she KNOWS she should not do. Blaming other people for her getting in trouble(she told me once it was MY fault that she got in trouble, because I got after her. Not that she did something wrong.). It is frustrating, and definatly a work in progress.

The thing that I found helped the most early on, was putting my son in a sling, and wearing him. That way I could help her and do things with her and still take care of him. He won't sit in the sling very long anymore, so we don't do that too often now. Maybe you could try getting a ring sling or a wrap and wear the baby while you do things with your son.

I agree with the others that your child just needs to feel he can get some undivided attention from you, but I just want to add that some mommy time and some daddy time is good = that would make it twice a week that he has some undivided time. Also, I used to make a point of saying to the child how great it is to have a child who is old enough to do certain things, things babies can't do yet - play a game, eat ice cream together, go to a movie...It makes them realize that you appreciate their specialness and that you enjoy having them around to share experiences with.

My children are 11, 3 and 2. My best advice is to make sure your 5 yr old is getting enough mommy time. Even if you feel like your making enough time for him, his time with you and other people in his life has been cut, he now has to share. And any visitors you have, are going to be more "gaga" over the new baby... He will become more adjusted as the months pass, just make sure that you let him be part of caring for the baby, and make sure you have special time for him... If its done in routine, it will make it easier for him to understand... (say, everynight the baby naps at 6pm... so at 6pm.. you and 5 yr old have special time... every night...even if that means someone else plays with baby if baby isn't napping)... I hope that helps some..

I have a close friend that went through this, and did what many posters here have recommended: every week on Friday night, she had special mommy-son time, and the 2 of them would go to do something fun (even just to the playground) while the baby stayed home with daddy. Then on Sunday mornings, they had daddy-son time, and just the 2 of them went out to breakfast. These times were on their calendars and basically non-negotiable. Once their son knew that there was a reliable consistent time where he was going to get undivided attention from each of his parents, life got much better for all of them.

When m daughter was born my son did the same thing, he needs to have that on on one time as he did before. He is not sure what to think about the new baby, he may love him but he also sees him as the person who came along and now has occupied mommy . Take him out once a week and give him sometime alone with you, go for a walk, play a game or even if you just take him to lunch. If you can afford it because I know that times are tough right now maybe buy him something that he really wants to show him that he still important to you. I know that that is not the right thing to do but it may work. He just wants to know that he is still important, also explain to him that just because there is a new baby you still love him just as much as before. Kids need reasureance.

Hi J.,

Congratulatios on the new addition to your life.

I want to echo what the other posters have said. Your 5 year old needs mommy time and attention. Of course you can't ignore your baby, but try to give our older son special time. And try to include the older one with things you do with the baby. If I saw my son acting out I would ask him what was going on. If there was no reason for him to be acting out I would ask him -- are you trying to get Mommy's attention? If he said yes, I would remind him that he just needs to tell me when he needs Mommy's attention and I will get to him as soon as I could. It didn't take him long for him to tell me, "Mommy, I need some 'tention." I would finish with the baby, or just stop what I was doing (if not with the baby) and just listen to him tell me whatever he wanted to say, or do whatever he wanted me to do if I could.

My children are not quite 3 years apart (boy then girl). I used to bathe them together for the first year or so; then I could play with both of them. I would read to them at bed time -- both at the same time. If my daughter went to sleep first then I would read my son another book while he laid in bed.

If my husband was not working late I would have him spend time with my son -- or daughter, depending on what was going on -- while I tended to the other. Special time with Daddy is important too.

Once a week my son and I would have "special time" with just us. That could be going to the playground, movies, taking a walk, etc. His world is rocked and he wants to make sure there's still a place and time for him in your life. Words won't always assure him, so actions need to speak. You don't need to put up with wrong behavior, just understand where it's coming from, help him to articulate what he needs and is feeling, and make him feel heard.

I also suggest the book "Siblings Without Rivalry." While there really is no such thing, the book helps with reading underlying issues but also with any guilt you may have about giving one child "more" when it is actually what the one child needs at that time. The book will tell you that you need to give each child what they need at that point, and how to explain to the other child.

Trust me, all of this goes a long way with siblings -- especially into the teen years (where I am now - 17 and 15).

Best of luck to you.

S.