Sibling Arguing

Updated on February 24, 2007
S.C. asks from Mary Esther, FL
6 answers

I was just wondering if anyone else out there might be able to shed some light on why my 11 yr old son constantly argues with me and his 9 yr old sister. Now I realize it has alot to do with puberty hitting, but my Lord this can't be normal!! Like this morning, they were arguing over the vitamin bottle then they just got home from church and begin fighting over whether or not my daughter can give me a rose or not. I swear I don't think I can take much more, it's like this all day, every day and I am at my wits end. My son thinks that he is always in trouble (cuz he is the one that starts it) and then flies off the handle screamin and crying about how he didn't do anything. My family says it's only going to get worse, so my question is...
How do I make it stop, I want the fighting and whinning to stop, please help.

What can I do next?

  • Add yourAnswer own comment
  • Ask your own question Add Question
  • Join the Mamapedia community Mamapedia
  • as inappropriate
  • this with your friends

So What Happened?

I just wanted to say thank you for all the advice, but I think I left out some things. My son has been in counseling off and on since he was 5 due to his anger which is something we work on with the use of different techniques, however this is different than those outbursts of anger. I have also made arrangments with male friends and relatives to talk to him when he needs man to talk to just as I have assured him that no matter what he can come to me and if by some chance I don't have the answer (as I am not a man) then there is someone we can call to get it. Even his counselor says it's just the onset of puberty and to just keep doin what I am doing; being there for him and not taking sides (which I try not to) and giving him an outlet in his extracirricular activities. But man the constant bickering over remote controls, why he can't stay up as late as all his friends, who made what mess (not that it matters) and then there's my favorite fight of "it's mine give it back" like they are 2 yrs old.
I guess my problem is I was an only child so I don't get the whole sibling rivalry crap.

More Answers

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

R.H.

answers from Tampa on

My sister and I are 3 1/2 years apart and when we were younger we fought every day before school, after school, weekends - basically every time there was something to argue over, from who's clothes were on the wrong side of the room, to who was taking too long in the bathroom and who got to sit in the front seat. And it was usually broken up by our mother, who almost every time took my side ( my sister is the older outspoken one with a short temper, I'm the younger, soft spoken one and it takes a lot to get me upset, and usually I was the one who was crying). There were many arguments between my sister and mother because my sister assumed that our mother was playing favorites, and as much as my mother explained that isn't why my sister was getting in trouble, that it was because my sister is older, knows better, and/or started the fight, my sister still flew off the handle. Perhaps that is how you son is feeling. And don't be too sure it's always him who starts the fights. My sister and I learned to do things separately more often than not, and to tolerate each other over extended amounts of time spent together, but we really didn't get along too well, until we were living separately. But that's with two girls, and even so if someone had a problem with me, my sister was right there to back me up. As an older brother, that feeling of protectiveness will be even stronger, and their bond will strengthen faster than two girls. Keep in mind that as your son is growing up and the first to do just about everything, like start middle school, able to stay up later or whatever things you feel he is old enough to do but your daughter isn't, there is a bit of jealousy probably coming from her, as well. I wish I had some better advice for you, but personally, I think time is the only thing that will really put a stop to the fighting. And for the sake of your sanity, I hope it's a lot sooner than it was for me and my sister.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

J.M.

answers from Pensacola on

This is going to sound way more simple than it actaully is: tell them to "hush". If they don't be quiet, go to their room. 11 and 9 is old enough to know to stop and be quiet. And both are equally at fault regardless of who started it. So, hush. And if they don't... off to their room (or separate but quiet areas) until each can decide to not argue. It will work, and if it doesn't.... do what my Dad did.... use duct tape. They will get the point. A totally different way to handle the situation I got from John Rosemond is to tell them to work it out by themselves but the rule is no hitting. If it is too hard for you to watch them try to work it out by themselves, make them go into another room. Rosemond has some pretty good ideas on how to work through that kind of stuff. He's got a few books you might be interested in. You can google his name and you should find a wealth of info. Good luck to you! Jen

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

C.G.

answers from Sarasota on

Try a book called 1-2-3 Magic. My kids are younger but we have seen improvement and I know others with older kids that have also benefited. It is a simple but effective program of structure and expectations. If you stick to it, I think you will be pleased. Good luck.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

D.

answers from Tampa on

Dear S.,

I make my kids work when they fight. Clean, scrub, etc. The other thing I do is make them sit and face each other and work something out. Calcium-magnesium drink might be in order because he is growing and when they grow they get stressed out. The cal-mag calms the system and helps their bones. He also might need more protein, less sugars, soda, etc.

Another mother told me that she got through the teen years by having her kids do sports and get involved in team play. She said that they are so tired after the sports that they have no time to get into problems. That is what I am doing with mine and it is working.

Good luck,

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

T.R.

answers from Sarasota on

Have him talk to the school counselor. It sounds like he's angry about something deeper than the things he's knit picking about and is expressing his anger by arguing with his sister. We usually unload on the person closest to us (i.e you and his sister). Is your separation from your husband/significant other recent? What major changes have occurred in your son's life recently? Did the kids have to give up "their" space while you finish your degree? The counselor may be able to get him to open up about things he's not comfortable speaking to you about.
Good luck.
T.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

L.C.

answers from Tallahassee on

I totally agree with Theresa. Sounds like he needs a male rolemodel. He may not feel comfortable talking to you about some things and he may also feel like he's being "ganged" up on since he's the only "man" in the house.

Definately find someone neutral for him to talk to.

And please don't tell them to hush or use duct tape.

For Updates and Special Promotions
Follow Us

Related Questions