Hi Ladies,
My 41/2 year old daughter (only child) has always been very shy. Even as a baby she was scared of the other babies and sat on my lap at playgroups. She is now in pre school 2 days a week and doing well but when left on her own she has trouble making friendships with new kids. She does well one on one but when it comes to kids she doesnt know in a group setting she becomes introverted and appears to not be interested in other kids.
We are giving her another year to prepare for kindergarten due to her social anxieties and hoping it will all work out naturally. I want to further work on helping her and am looking for some suggestions. I have thought of asking the other preschool moms for playdates but feel that a lot of the other kids already have formed bonds with certain kids and that I would be asking a "favor". I would love to put her in a group activity but know it will cause her lots of stress and anxiety.
We have discussed and role played with her to get her to think about and try to be more friendly to the kids at school.
She is an "average" nice girl and gets along well and plays with neighbor kids and kids of friends and relatives.
It makes me sad to see to see her sad and say she was playing all alone at school.
Any suggestions for moms with similar situation? I want to help her come out of her shell and enjoy herself more in a variety of settings. I want her to feel comfident for kindergarten.
Are there unconnected moms in similar circumstances that would like to try a playdate? Any community resource that might be helpful? I have heard that the county has kindergarten readiness assessments. Should I do this??
I suppose I should just let everything be what it is, but it is stressing me out! Thanks for your help.
Most parents would be happy to have a playdate offer. You don't even need to explain why. It is common for parents to set these up.
The gymnastics/dance ideas are good too.
Hi M.,
My daughter was "shy" when she was younger, but came out of her shell in first and second grade. I too, was worried about her not making any friends. When I would pass the kindergarten playground on my way home, sometimes I'd see her sitting all by herself. That really broke my heart. I asked her preschool director, however, about my worries, as she was this way from age four. She asked me if my daughter mentioned that she was bothered about not having any friends (she was not). She said that if it's not bothering her, I shouldn't worry about it either.
Your daughter may just be selective with her friends, as my daughter is. This is a good thing, as I've seen her have pretty good judgement with which kids she likes to hang out with. She seems to stray away from the ones that cause trouble and hangs out with some very nice kids these days.
If your daughter is bothered by her situation, I don't think it would hurt at all to arrange a play date. If you approach the parent and explain a bit about your daughter, I'm certain that any parent would be happy to have their child hang out with your daughter. It would be a great learning experience for both kids.
Finally, if you are telling people that your daughter is shy, you may want to consider not saying that. Sometimes it can be a self fulfilling prophecy type thing.
When I stopped telling people she was shy and worrying so much about her, she seemed to find some nice friends on her own.
Take care,
L.
If she plays well with neighbor kids etc, I wouldn't worry too much. My youngest is/was like that. If she's 4.5 now though, will she be on the young side for K? Fortunately, mine is oldish for her grade and I'm glad about that. I think socially it would have been harder if she was the youngest. She's definitely getting more social as she's gotten older so that extra year could make a difference. A girl we've met repeated K bc she was so shy and she was on the young side vs the class. She's doing better this year but I think last year was tough. So I would look into an assessment and see how old other kids will be. Some districts have a lot of red shirting, some don't. And just bc other kids have formed bonds, don't let that deter you from inviting a child she likes over. At this age, friendships rotate a lot anyway. Not sure anyone can ever have too many friends too so pick a child yours seems to like and a mom that's friendly.
You could be describing my son (also an only) about 5-6 years ago!
Quiet, shy, observing...those all described my son to a "T"!
Now he's almost 9 and guess what? He's Mr. Social Butterfly.
My best advice? Leave her alone.
If anything, encourage her to speak up, express herself. Talk about what makes a good friend (both ways).
Don't push the social thing. She'll get it--on her terms, in her time.
It's OKAY that she's shy.
The world needs all types of people: extroverts, observers, quiet, loud, etc.
I have a niece like this. She has always been very shy, quiet and reserved. She was also one to play better and enjoy herself more in one on one versus group situations.
She is now almost 13 and in 7th grade and is still pretty much the same. She's a good student, has a small, solid group of friends and tends to avoid all the girl drama (a good thing!)
Try not to worry too much. Certainly give her opportunities to socialize but don't force it too much. That may just be her personality :)
And yes DO the kindergarten readiness testing, that's very important. Another year may not change her personality, and you don't want to hold her back if she's ready!
You may want to contact a local psychologist who specializes in pediatric anxiety disorders for some guidance. I have a now 6 year old daughter who was diagnosed with selective mutism at 3 1/2 and really understanding her anxiety, doing research, getting guidance from a professional about positive ways to facilitate her socialization and growth and (very important) getting her school engaged has made all of the difference. Like your daughter, my kiddo came out of the womb anxious and scared (also crying as an infant when adults even looked at her.).
She is doing great now. In first grade. Tons of friends. Growing confidence each day. Yes, we still deal with her anxiety on a daily basis, but it is not the crushing burden for her that it once was.
Good luck!
I would not push too much. If you want to do something outside of school see if there is a gymnastics program you can get her into. The gym my son goes to have classes for little kids and sometimes i will watch them and it gives them time to be together to learn something and socializ but do something that they can feel acomplished that they are learning something It's so cute watching them form friendships. If not gymnastics soccor or dance or something.
Good luck and God Bless!
I don't know if there are any around where you live, but there is a place called My Gym, it is a "gymnastics" type place and is lots of fun for the kids. It puts them in an environment where they have to sit next to other kids and follow direction. They get to climb and jump on trampolines. I had a shy little girl, and that helped her break out of her shell a little. You might want to try to put her into a dance class or gymnastics. Don't worry, she will grow out of it. I always told people that my daughter was "cautious" about other people....LOL (as she is hiding behind my leg)
Good luck!
