Should We Always Be Supportive?

"Those who don't love you will tell you what you want to hear; those who love you will lead you to the truth."

- Blessed Mother Teresa

Pretty much sums up my thoughts on the matter.

I don't think you always have to agree but I do see lots of responses that are not at all helpful. In fact they boarder on just plain nasty. I joined this site so that I could find outside perspective. I don't expect people to always agree with me or even always say "You are right". I do expect for people to present their opinions in a way that isn't just ugly and rude though...

I agree with those that said it depends on how you write the post. The whole point of this forum is to elicit advice, experience and opinions from each other. But I have read posts from people who are just being nasty and rude and not constructive or helpful. So I half agree with you... I think that people come for support and not to be insulted and I think that we can do that and disagree as well.

True adults can give their opinions without attacking.

Real adults can ask for help or suggestions and then decide what will work for them or not.

Some people think this is some sort of cheer session.. In reality it is an open forum where all of us are going to answer based on our own experiences our own feelings and our own needs. We do not know you.

Hopefully we can express this without attacking..

There are times, I give the warning.. "This is going to be hard for you to hear but...."

There are way more times, since I have nothing to say Or nothing nice to say, I do not post at all.. I just skip it.

People really take time out of their lives to answer these posts. Like their answer or not, you need to acknowledge they took time, thought and effort to help you. This means time away from their own lives.. Pretty amazing actually..

What Laurie and Stephanie H said (the word tact - kudos, Steph - I can't write ANYTHING on here in just one word! LOL!)

Laurie A. is a great example because she has never says anything mean on here, but is always honest about how she feels. Love you, Laurie!

Dawn

Sometimes supportive is saying something that "clicks".
Sometimes that might not be what the other person wants to hear.
I think "support" is an overused word.
I think when people flat out say they only want support, it means that they don't want to hear any other opinions, experiences, views or attitudes.
I think lots of people could use some support.
I also think lots of misguided people LOVE support because it validates their misinformation and bad decisions.

And, as said in Cool Hand Luke: "There are some men you just can't reach."

I have no clue to which comment/response you refer. Are YOU looking for support here, J.? :)

I think we should be "informative" and that doesnt always mean supportive. We all have something different to bring to this table.

nonsense. support comes in many forms.
sometimes that form is a clue by four.
sometimes i get hammered by it. sometimes i wield it.
there's never a need to be rude or nasty. but sometimes we disagree and those disagreements can be every bit (or more) useful and educational than the kumbayas.
khairete
S.

I've commented on plenty of posts where I didn't agree with the opinions of others or the poster for that matter. What's the point of looking for advice if you can't get a myriad of answers? The one thing I do not like is when someone, usually a person that is brash and borderline rude in their delivery, expresses their view and then suddenly everyone else is in agreement with this poster. It's like whoever is the loudest (read the rudest) must be correct in their advice because what would make them so self righteous in their answer? By that time the post has pretty much jumped the shark.

In real life, I am very direct and do not shy away from difficult conversations, but that directness generally doesn't translate well in writing. I try to write my answers responsibly without being offensive and tactless. Although I generally stay away from asking questions about my own personal life, there are some people that may post about a situation similar to mine. There are very few people that I would consider to be sound advisers on Mamapedia. Most others feel cramming the truth down the poster's throat is doing them a favor, not realizing the finger waggling and histrionics undermines the original piece of advice.

So yes, I think it's crappy to contribute to a post if you have nothing constructive to contribute, whether it be supportive or non-supportive. I usually comment if I have an experience to share. I usually don't grope around in the dark trying to find some advice to give if I have no experience relevant to the question.

I think that diplomatically phrased, thoughtful advice that disagrees with a poster can be misconstrued as mean by people who just never want anyone to have a differing opinion but appreciated by others. I tend to have a thick skin, and don't mind when people disagree....but when people are snarky and rude and catty-it does seem like a cowardly pot shot taken under cover of internet anonymity on the part of the rude commenter.
Once a lady posted she was upset regarding a new pregnancy in an already large family...one comment was "You do know how babies are made, right?" or something equally snotty. Not in a friendly context, but just that one line pretty much as an answer to the post. Really? You couldn't skip it if you thought the poster was SO STUPID? In that sort of instance, when people are in need and upset and they're coming here for advice, they don't need to be targeted by "mean girls". By no stretch of the imagination was that a helpful suggestion for her issue. So that kind of stuff happens at times and is annoying. But differing views? BRING IT!

I ditto One Crazy Lady. The way people can phrase things is often less than helpful. Starting replies with things such as 'are you kidding me', 'you are being ridiculous', etc., does not help anyone.

Of course your example of someone who may be abusive would warrant a different answer. However, let's say someone did post something that described an abusive situation of their doing. Saying 'you are being abusive and deserve to be arrested' would not help them, it puts them on the defensive and shuts them down. I'm sure it makes the writer feel better, but isn't the point to help the poster, and by extension her family? So why not say 'it sounds like things are tough for you, I'm concerned that you're doing things you'll later regret and could even be arrested for.....'. Don't you think this would be more effective?

I do see many posters qualify their post with 'please don't reply with nasty comments'. I think they have probably reached out before and been belittled or humiliated. What they mean is don't bash. And we shouldn't bash. I am stunned sometimes by the harsh nature of comments, for no good reason but for the responder to let off steam on someone who asked for help, or to simply bully. I feel so badly for people sometimes.

Ultimately, people here reach out to others for help and support. Support does not mean blind cheering no matter what they have done or are doing. Support means listening to what help they are asking for, and finding gentle ways to bolster another person. So agreeing with someone no matter what, no. But speaking to one another with respect and caring, yep.

I see it as two different routes to the same end point.

I tend to take the direct route. A to B. Here's the answer, ponder it, mull it over - up to you. Call it like I see it.

But there is a second...nicer (?) route. It's something I wish I had more of in some situations, but also something I see as taking more time. It's more soothing, and takes pains not to be confrontational.

While I value the second approach, my default is the first.

I think that as much as possible that we should always be polite and respectful of others, even when think someone needs a good thump in the head. I don't think we have to be a group of "yes men" (or "yes women"); it's good to have diverse opinions. However, we should strive to be kind in how we state our cases. The saying "you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar." comes to mind.

No, we don't always have to be supportive. We don't have to play nice or chose our words carefully as to not offend. Some people need a verbal slap upside the head because they are ridiculous. Others deserve more consideration.

signed,
A big meanie

Oh a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go dowwwwwn

I think it's all in the presentation/delivery!

No, we should not always be supportive - but we should try to be helpful and bear in mind no matter what that sometimes helping is not helping.

I am of the mind that well meaning advice (even if it is hard to hear, and the truth often is) IS being supportive.

Does that about cover it?

ETA: And as for being all nice and sweet when giving that "support", I think it is relevant to point out that sometimes it takes "tough love" and some blunt comments to get people to pay any attention. Sometimes. And sometimes a concrete block upside the head wouldn't get their attention.

I do think that sometimes a bit of sarcasm or a rhetorical question can be misconstrued as "ugly" and "mean" when it really is only meant to try to lighten things up. Or make the point more obvious by over-making the point.

For example, in a post yesterday (we probably all saw it, it only got about 60 some odd responses) I asked "Do you need a divorce?" Do I think the woman really wants or needs that? Of course not. But she was careful to say that she didn't need anything else... so I was using some pointed language to make her see what seems obvious to me... that she DOESN'T want that, but that is where she seems headed with her focus on what she doesn't need--- she might as well have spelled out that she doesn't need a h-u-s-b-a-n-d. She didn't recognize (I don't think) what she was saying.
Do some people think I am mean for saying that? Probably. I wasn't trying to be mean.

So I guess my first line didn't cover it.... :P

J.:

There is no way on earth you will be able to make everyone happy all of the time.

Some people will take that sentence and think it's mean. So really? being "mean" is a perception - I can tell you (this is the COLLECTIVE "YOU") what I think, my opinion, my experience and if you don't like it - or you don't like me - and to top it off - since it's written not HEARD - you will put your snottiness, crass, whatever it is because it came from ME....this happens all the time...

People don't like what someone says - or types - especially if that person was expecting other mamas to rally behind her and say "ooooh you were soooooo wronged" but we say - REALLY? Are you serious? Then she will write some SWH telling us we are all bullies...

The word "supportive" means many things and is interpreted differently by each person. I'd much rather hear the truth than have smoke blown up my rear.

No, just because we don't agree on something - it doesn't make the person mean. It just means they don't believe like I believe, etc. oh well - to each his/her own.

I think people should answer honestly but also politely. I've seen lots of posts that were flat out rude, whether I agreed with the post or not.

At the same time, I also think that if we post something, we need to accept that not everyone is nice all the time and that not everyone will agree with us all the time. We have to be thick-skinned if we're going to ask a bunch of faceless strangers to comment on our lives with only the background we provide. If you don't want to read the good, the bad, and the ugly, don't post a question.

To call people mean for disagreeing with you is tanamount to publicly admitting that you either a) need a week of unbroken sleep, b) need a solid protein based meal to recover from the "crankies" or c) you have the maturity of an 8th grader. Given that all of us have children, I'll give the mamas the benefit of the doubt and hope they get a good night's sleep and a good meal in the very near future!

I'm sorry...was that too mean? <wink>

Well, I think you can disagree with someone but still be nice and supportive. It's all in how you say it, right?

I don't know what specifically you are referring to with the "big meanies" thing, but I will say this: if someone asks my opinion, I'm going to give it to them, whatever it may be.

people DON'T LIKE IT when they feel attacked or judged. if we disagree (on here, imo, especially), we really have to bend over backwards (kiss peoples' butts in a way) to ensure they realize we are disagreeing RESPECTFULLY. that's the only way i have found, on a public forum like this, to disagree with someone. just my personal experience. i suppose a life lesson...no matter how ridiculous someone is being...it's best to disagree respectfully. people are extra ridiculous online, so the voice of reason has to be extra gentle.

There's no pleasing everybody.
And some people can never be pleased.
With my sister, unless you tell her "You are absolutely right", she says you are being mean to her.
Even if she had her kid skip school (just slept late every morning and didn't get elementary girl to school in the morning) so often the truancy officer had to speak with her.
Yes, I'm sure the truancy officer was mean, but hey - it's their job to inform her she was wrong.

I try to be tactful. But I will not support something I don't support just to be supportive, ya know? I personally think giving your honest advice when asked ( which is generally the theme around here, sharing thoughts and ideas) is being supportive.

The way you word those thoughts can really affect the way they are received. It's kinda the difference between talking at someone and talking to them.

Hmm I ask for direct answers and I've not always gotten the answer I'd like to hear. But actually that is what I like about this site. I know I'll get different points of view and not all of them will be ones I like. Tell me straight not say nicesities that will not help me. Now saying that you should not be name calling or making fun of someone either. I've not seen much of that on here though.

This is the problem already with so many people. They just want to be a baby when it is over.

On this website? If I think someone is a bit overboard or whatever, I'll leave it to someone else... In the case of my friends and family, I will kick them in the butt when they need it. But I don't believe I know anyone or their situation on here well enough to justify saying anything too extreme and far from supportive. And in case when I am honest with my friends, unless I'm breaking up with them or refusing to stay friends with them due to the situation unless they change (which has occured) I will always be supportive of them, even if I disagree with their actions.

In addition to ingoring what doesn't apply, I'd like for people not to respond with things that don't apply. Get your own post for that. Or at least acknowledge that you know that it doesn't apply so that there is no confusion about whether or not you actually hear what is being said.

I have no problem with people disagreeing with me. I get annoyed when I try to engage in dialogue about their response and they assume that I just don't like what I'm hearing. I would prefer that people who can't be bothered to engage in a discussion about something they say just not respond to my posts. Sometimes I have a question about something said, and it's cuckoo that someone would get up in arms just because I'm asking a question...looking for clarification. They assume that I'm looking for a fight. Why do people always assume the worst instead of just taking it at face value? I wish that people wouldn't always go back to previous posts and assume that they are related and answer based on that. That is not always the case. When I post, I don't treat it like continual communication. My stuff begins and ends in each post. I add details as they apply. If that means that I repeat something from another post, then I do that because I want it all to stay in context. It's often pulled out of context when people go back to earlier posts and incorporate that into their current responses. I know that that's not the same for everyone--treating this site like a continual conversation--but I tend to answer the post in front of me and not let the others bleed into it. I wish that more responses would be like that.

The truth can hurt, most people will not and can not change until they see the truth.

Being supportive is being honest with the person and telling them the truth.

Being supportive is not the same as agreeing.
Disagreeing is not the same as being nasty.

You can disagree and still be supportive. It is never necessary to be nasty to a poster.

I think you're confusing the two.

And I posted the comment you're referring to. That woman was hurting. No reason to bash her. If you want to respectfully point out something she's doing wrong, then that's still supporting her, isn't it?