Should I Tell My Son's Friend's Mom That My Son Is in the Spectrum

I would appreciate receiving the info, as it may help her interat with him and answer questions she may have. A friend of mine avoids this with her daughter and I wish she would be honest.

People know, everyone I have told already had an idea. Some seemed relieved that was all it was. When you see kids doing some odd things your imagination is far worse than autism.

I think we have told my son a million times that he is autistic. Apparently he is so unconcerned about his diagnosis he never remembers. Sometimes he asks for the most part he just doesn't find it important.

I sometimes wish people would understand autism just explains why my son acts the way he does, the word doesn't cause it. I could say he has peanut butter and wouldn't change who he is, how he acts, how people see him.

My son (17) is also high-functioning. He's known for years that he's on the spectrum. It's an important part of him learning to advocate for himself. We're not always going to be around to explain things to folks, so as he becomes an adult, he needs to learn to do it himself. That starts with him understanding himself. It's nothing to be ashamed of: he has brown hair, he loves movies and he's on the spectrum.

It's kind of like when people ask me why I'm always wearing sunglasses, even when it's cloudy. "Well, my eyes are really light blue and sensitive to light and I wear contacts on top of that, so they're SUPER sensitive to light and if there's even a slight glare it actually hurts and I can barely open my eyes outside." That's it, just a fact about myself. I have nothing to be ashamed of or to hide. THAT'S how we approach my son's autism with other people.

I wouldn't make a big announcement to your son's friend's mom, but I'd certainly find a way to work it into conversation at some point. Chances are, she already has her suspicions. And, trust me, your son already can sense that he's not like a lot of his peers.

I CANNOT tell you how many times I've gotten "Oh, my niece/nephew/cousin's kid/grandchild/best friend's son is also on the spectrum!" as a response when we mention it to people. Autism affects SO many people, I find it's more rare to meet someone who DOESN'T know anyone on the spectrum. And NOBODY has ever changed their attitude towards us because of our son. I find people are generally kind and understanding. They seem to adopt our attitude of "hey, it is what it is and we're dealing with it" and simply accept it. We've never gotten an "oh, poor you" attitude from people, because we don't send out a "please feel sorry for us" vibe.

Your friends and acquaintances will take their cues from you. If YOU simply treat your son's autism as a basic part of who he is (not as something to be hidden from people), then your friends will, too.

i don't think i'd conceal, nor make a big deal out of 'confessing.' if they've been friends for 2 years i'm surprised it hasn't come up in casual conversation already.
so instead of some Big Talk, i'd just go with the flow of the conversation. other mom 'they had a fun afternoon. and wow, branson is SO knowledgable about ships! it just kept coming up, over and over! i've never seen a kid so obsessed with ships.' you 'yeah, it's one of his odder spectrum behaviors. we're just grateful it's not skydiving.'
smile.
i think i'd tell him about it too. it's not something shameful, or that he needs to understand EVERYTHING about in order to grasp the overview. it could be discussed as simply and dispassionately as explaining an allergy.
adults tend to be a lot more freaky about spectrum behaviors. kids just know 'branson is crazy about ships' and don't really over-analyze it.
khairete
S.

I work with autism students. One mother of a child I work with has never been told himself.But he knows something is going on. So she should tell him. He doesn't understand why he has different classes. It would help him if he knew. So If your son knows this, and is okay with it. (Believe me they also know what's going on inside) then after his permission, if he is able to give it, he might not want people to know, then go ahead and tell. I am sure people have a clue and really a lot of people aren't that shocked or worried about it. We all learn to deal with it.

They probably already know and are wondering if you know.

Why would these parents need to know? They've not been concerned up to now. The boys have been getting along For 2 years. Why is it important to tell them now? His being a bit odd has not been a problem has it? Any comments about the oddness can be explained by agreeing he is a little odd. No big deal. I also suggest that once they know they will look at him differently. They will look for symptoms. They may be more concerned about the oddities.

If your son doesn't know the diagnosis it's important to tell as few people as possible. A slip of the tongue could require you to tell him now when he's doing well and doesn't need to know. The reason to tell anyone is so they can provide support for you.

I teach resource and life skills classes in high school for a lot of kids who are autistic. My 3 year old is also autistic. I don't hide it from anyone. Why is it a secret. It just explains why these particular individuals do things a little differently.

I have one student who is 14, on the spectrum, and has no idea. She is one of 4 or 5 kids, and none of them know she is autistic. The parents don't focus on it, and thus the other siblings treat her badly. I personally would tell your son if he can understand, he already knows he is different than his peers, if he can recognize it. My student tried to commit suicide about 3 weeks ago because she was sad (depression comes with autism as I am sure you know), and she was bullied by others but doesn't know why, because she doesn't know she is autistic, and because boys are well, teen boys. Anyway, she was unsuccessful and is now getting the help she needs since this was a wake up call for the parents, but they still haven't explained she is autistic or any of her siblings or her.

I think there is much more power in knowing than it not knowing, and just wondering why the child is 'off" or different. I would certainly tell the mom for sure, and your son should know soon too, so that he will have a reason and begin to understand why he feels so different.

I think people are confused.
You're wondering if you should tell your son's friend's mom, right?

I do t think you need to make a big announcement, but work it in as you discuss activities, classes, etc. Good chance she already has an inkling.
Good luck!

I wouldn't bring it up out of the blue, but if you are talking with her and she mentions something relevant, then I would.
She: Your son sure does like ships. He talks about them alot.
You: Yes, well, he's on the spectrum, and kids on the spectrum sometimes latch on to topics like that. I'm glad your son doesn't seem to mind.

Although - I think you should tell your son first. Someone may mention it to him, and if he doesn't know, he might think it is something to be ashamed of.

They have been friends for two years. I am sure she figured it out. If she has not, why do you want to say anything after two years. This label does not define who he is. Leave well enough alone.

If your son starts to notice that he's different, share his diagnosis with him. Perhaps, if you're all together one day and your son's "quirkiness" is a bit more noticable, you could bring it up as an explanation.

Here's a link to some blog posts on the subject - you might find some helpful info there. http://www.autistikids.com/disclosure--diagnosis.html

Edited to add: I agree with Marada
We are just starting to enter this world so I don't have a lot of expierence yet but my S.O. and I have discussed disclosure. Our son just turned 5.
If your son and the other boy have been friends for 2 years that would mean they met in kindergarten.
This friend is evidently a rather large part of your sons life, thus his parents are in part as well. Knowing this bond and that you have entrusted your son in this woman's care for two years I would probably tell. (I have already discussed this with the mom's of my sons two closest friends.)
You of course know this mom so you might have an idea as to how she will react. Are you hesitant to tell because you think that she is going to make a huge deal or do or say something stupid?
Otherwise I would disclose.
Good luck

I would think the first person to know is your son, unless it has a major affect on an individual or party.

If you tell his friends mother and she tell her son. The friend may be the one to tell your son. You want this to come from you.

After two years of friendship, I would think this is a family that accepts differences. I wouldn't worry about it unless you know something is going to come up and they need to know.

I have an acquaintance who has a son on the spectrum. We met when our kids were in swim class together. She asked if I would photograph their birthday party, so I did. It took me a while to figure it out because he would not look into the camera. To be honest, I didn't know why, but soon figured out that he couldn't. I looked it up and then understood. Now I see them from time to time and he doesn't speak. My daughter wished him a happy birthday, but was a little hurt that he didn't respond. I just explained that everyone is different and he has an illness that doesn't allow him to speak, but he can hear and understand that she wished him a happy birthday. She had a few questions and it was over.

Kids can be great and or monsters. It just depends on how they were raised and taught.

If he is going on playdates to his friends house or on outings with them I think it would be important for the friends mother to know. Also, if your son's friend starts to notice differences if may be helpful for him to know as well.

If you don't say anything, will she be wondering if you are even aware?

My daughter has pretty severe ADHD-Combined (meaning that she is both inattentive and hyperactive). As such, she can be a real handful. I always tell the other parents at a playdate, if I will not be present, of my daughter's condition, because this way I can let them know how we usually handle her if she gets overly excited. I also let them know that if the usual (quiet time, by herself if necessary) doesn't work and she is out of hand, to please call me and I will come get her. This has never been necessary, thankfully, as my daughter knows that she has to try really hard to focus and keep herself under control when she's with another family, but you never know. I would hate for her not to be invited back somewhere because they didn't know of her condition and just thought she was a spaz or something!

Recently, we were asked by an acquaintance if we could watch her daughter while she was out of town for the day. The daughter is a teenager, so I thought it was a little strange that she would need a babysitter (my daughter is a bit younger, and babysits!), but I've met this girl, and she seems like she would be no trouble at all, so I readily agreed. The more time I spent with this girl, I felt like it was odd that she wouldn't really answer my questions (she would say yes or no, but wouldn't elaborate whatsoever - but she didn't seem like she was being flippant or anything). As the day wore on, I realized that this girl is probably on the autism spectrum. It explained why the mother didn't want to leave her alone, it explained why she was pleasantly answering my questions, but did not elaborate at all (maybe she didn't really understand the social protocol), and why some of her questions seemed a little off-kilter for a teen. It was fine, but I wish the mom would have said something beforehand. That day, we had a few things planned that were probably kind of stressful for this girl - a get-together with some of my daughter's boisterous friends, then a trip to the mall... if I had known that this girl might have preferred a more quiet atmosphere, I would have made other arrangements for a less busy day! The poor kid was probably so stressed out, although she handled it pretty well.

Anyway, if it were me, and my child was going to be somewhere without me, I would mention it to the parents. Maybe tell them that this isn't something you broadcast to everyone, but that since he is in their care without you there, here's what's going on with him, and then let them know how you approach it if/when he has any issues. This gives your son the best chance at success, and gives the other parents the knowledge they need to help him should the need arise.