Should I Tell Everyone My Son Has Autism He Is Slightly in the Spectrum

Let me ask you this, do you feel the need to let people know little details about you? We aren't one thing, we are many things, and if you put a label out there, people tend to focus on that, rather than other things.

My son is a freshman in high school. He was diagnosed just before his 3rd birthday as being mildly autistic, he does not know this and we don't share the information with very many people. He received special education services in school, but a lot of kids do so that didn't really cause anyone to question. We never wanted the diagnosis to be a crutch.

I'm happy to say that my wonderful son will be an Eagle Scout by the end of March!

M.

Need to know basis and most don't need to know.

No. You should tell his teachers, but other than that, you don't need to announce it to everyone. Like you said -- on a need to know basis.

I love Julie G's answer. I don't introduce myself as "Hello, I am a neat freak and a night owl, nice to meet you". Fortunately I have many other characteristics that my friends seem to enjoy. Like all of us, I am sure your son has many wonderful qualities and perhaps some not so wonderful. It seems that perhaps this diagnosis is still fairly new to you and you may not have fully processed it yourself? One of our daughters has learning differences and I distinctly remember feeling depressed that my beautiful perfect child had to deal with a difficult road ahead when we were given the diagnosis. I went through all the grief steps, finally arriving at acceptance. Now I am her staunchest advocate and she has learned from my attitude that there is nothing to be ashamed of. But we also do not announce it to anyone, and if it comes up in conversation we keep it short but simple. Only with those it affects a lot (teachers and therapists) do we go into great detail. I imagine your situation will be the same. No need to broadcast it to everyone, but if it comes up be prepared with a statement (perhaps even practice it out loud) that you feel comfortable sharing. It can be as simple as : "yes he has some socialization differences and we are working on it."

i certainly wouldn't hide it, but no way would i prophylactically inform everyone. it would come across as making excuses for behaviors that are normal for non-spectrum kids too.
khairete
S.

I'll join the chorus of people saying that the information isn't relevant for most people with whom he interacts, so there is no reason to share it with most people. That's not a decision based on shame, it's about privacy and good boundaries. Also, it is HIS diagnosis to share, so you should let him decide if/when he tells someone (other than caregivers, teachers, and leaders of activities where you aren't present such as sports, theater, Scouts, whatever---you probably do need to inform them). Glad that he seems to be doing well overall!

I have friends, who have kids, that are Autistic. The ranges vary.
A couple of my friends, theirs kids are very high functioning Autistic.
But the thing is, THEY do not think anything of it, nor that it is a big deal, and to them.... even talking about it is not a big deal nor abnormal.
To them, it is just life and this is their child, and although they do not go around being the FIRST to announce it to "everyone".... they do say it as a point of fact. Not as a point of emotion or labels or to make a statement or to make themselves or anyone else uncomfortable. Because, they are not uncomfortable about it. Their kid is not even hung up on it either. And as typical of many kids on the spectrum, their kids are very intelligent etc. on and on and on.
Their kids even have Aides in class with them etc.
My friends kids range in age from Kindergarten to 10th grade.

The thing is, none of my friends, see their child or their "condition" as being anything that is a big deal. It is life. Their life. And others do know if/when/as it comes up. And there is no hidden agenda about it or hindered feelings about it or self-consciousness.

Last week, I had some friends over. Various families. And some of their kids. One of the kids is Autistic. I didn't go around ANNOUNCING that. And the Mom, as a part of NORMAL conversation amongst other parents (and parents OFTEN talk about their kids) she'd simply say how her son is "on the spectrum..." and that's it and continue on with the conversation. And at NO point, did the conversation or activities stop in a dead stop... and everyone stared at her or her kid. There was no dead silence about it or stares. Everyone just continued on, the others simply replied that her kiddo is "so adorable and well adjusted..." type thing and everyone was just normal.... about it. No big thing.

These parents I know, who have autistic kids who are high functioning, are not self-conscious about it. And they don't hide it nor are they bulls in a china shop about it. They are just normal parents who talk about it as any other parent would talk about their own kids.
And, the kids themselves, know. And they are really great kids! My own kids play with them, and at school, my kids have Autistic classmates. It really is not a big deal at their schools. The kids are all real good and completely understanding about it all. At my kids' school.

Nope. Why would you?

Be selective in who you tell.
Really, who NEEDS to know?
His school certainly, his doctor(s), and family.
It's not everyone's business to know and it's very personal.

NO! Definitely need to know basis. My neighbor does this and it has become a crutch for every time her kids act up. The kids have heard it enough that they even use it to get away with stuff.

I know he is young, but it is his diagnosis. Let him be the one to decide who to tell it to on his own terms and until then you can tell people if they are in a position where it will change how they interact with him in a positive manner.

I say don't bring it up unless there is some issue going on for which people need to understand it like an uncontrollable behavior issue. I know several moms in some of my kids' activities who told me right away their kids have Autism and they bring it up a lot to people. It's like they explain it EVEN MORE because it's barely perceptible (not perceptible at all to me). I mean, I don't MIND having the info, but it is awkward how some seem to focus on it so much. Sometimes I wonder if it doesn't affect the child to constantly hear it.

To people who can't tell and who aren't close-ish friends, they won't know why someone is telling them that. Like, do they want a break of some sort? Or do they want extra kudos because the child seems totally normal? Or what? Those are some questions that run through the heads of people who hear about Autism in kids where it's not noticeable. To be honest, now I'm always trying to watch their kids to see if I can possibly detect anything Autistic-ish about them. And I can't. With all the overdiagnosis of it going on, it's like, I start wondering, "are they SURE the child has Autism?" when it's really none of my business.

On the other hand, one kid in my kid's class was having a really hard time and feeling self-conscious and skipping classes...finally his mom told me his Turrete's was acting up and he's been getting bullied in school. As soon as I knew what was going on with him I was able to lend an ear and help her vent, and when the teacher and others knew too it helped the whole situation a lot. But when it's not affecting anyone, it's like any other private family matter imo.

Some kids don't even have Autism and are just kooky or shy or tantrummy or delayed or different and parents don't need to explain it to me..I'm not there scrutinizing everyone else's child (unless I'm told they have an issue-then I can't help it), I'm trying to keep track of my own...so I'd leave it alone personally. Now if the child was coming to my house and needed special care or something, it could be useful knowledge, or if we are closer friends.

What benefit would come from telling anyone? I wouldn't...not out of shame, just that it would do no good to tell.

My older kids were straight up ADHD and their teachers were told but they never had services so no one else really knew.

I just let my kids tell who they wanted and left it at that. It may have come up in conversation, usually followed by a no way. These diagnoses don't change how people look at the kids, the symptoms do. My third is spectrum, other than understanding his behaviors no one really cares. Even with him, it is his story to tell, not mine.

I would say only tell those on a "need to know" basis...

If he is going to be with another adult for any length of time, it might be nice to give them a heads up on his behaviors, but you don't really need to announce it to all the parents around.

As he grows, the "need to know" may change as his behaviors change.

I'm glad he is getting the help he needs, and while there is nothing to be ashamed of, any 'medical' information should always be on a 'when you NEED to know' basis.

Unless he is being disruptive, hurtful, or being bullied, there is no need for you to put his information out there.

You say that you don't want to use his diagnosis as a crutch. The more people you tell, the more he hears it, the more, he will expect it to be a crutch. A free pass to get away with whatever.

Last week, I was eating lunch with my daughter and a family member. The kid was being rude and bad mannered. I finally told him to quit it. He says 'well, my mom says I have autism, so that's why'.... 'okay. so what? that isn't an excuse for doing what your are doing. quit it.'
He just looked at me. He totally expected that statement to cover all 'wrongs'.

Sounds like the people who need to know already do

No one needs to know. What I am wondering is why the dx. You said he is shy but normal in every other way. He is six. Their social skills at best are lousy. Not sure I would want my child labeled autistic for reason you stated.
Autistic used to be the child that flapped his arms, had no eye contact, and never responded to others. Today if you are a bit quirky, you are labeled. Something has gone wrong along the way. Anyone agree. I guess because the more kids labeled the more money they get. Sad!

You don't need to bring it up unless you need to bring it up. It's nothing to be ashamed of but, unfortunately, most people don't really understand it.

My son is on the spectrum, is almost 7, and is mainstreamed. He has social and social language challenges, but is very smart - definitely quirky. He's not "just quirky" - his brain works differently.

It's a spectrum, but most people have the picture of rainman in their head when they hear autism. There's a great blog that I love to pieces, and it has been very helpful and motivating and educational - adiaryofamom.wordpress.com - check it out, especially the last few years - 2011-to the present. Also has a facebook page. She even has some posts specifically about disclosure - just type that word in the search box at the bottom.

PM me if you like :)

That's such a good question. We are going through similar questions. Is it labeling a child if they're functioning well? Maybe. Normally, if a diagnosis is made, it's because the person's functioning is significantly impacted. If that's not the case for your son, I would probably hold off on telling people. You can always change your mind and decide at a later time to let people know. For us, our son's behavior is revealing itself more at school, so i'm starting to slowly tell people. Not so much with a label, but describing the behavior and telling people that we are working on it at home. People don't need to know all of the details.

I have a child with borderline "issues" as well and I tell people on a need to know basis.

My son is on the spectrum, and he is almost 3. I tell people when they need to know. Usually it is someone talking to him and expecting him to respond. He doesn't usually respond to me or do what I say, so why would he do it for them? But, my kiddo is also the size of a 5 year old, so they expect more from him.

But, if your kiddo doesn't show any signs, then you don't need to announce or apologize for it. I only mention it to explain that he isn't there yet. I am concerned that he is not socializing enough, and I think that he may need some socialization help. This was where my nephew was with his Aspergers and the school really helped him learn to social cues. I would ask about that for his IEP in school.

I wouldn't. You don't tell us if this is a medical diagnosis or a school diagnosis to qualify for special services. The criteria is different. I don't know if that would affect your decision whether to inform people, but I mention it as an FYI. I see no need to make any kind of "announcement."