Should I Stop Going to Family Functions?

I would keep her home/away for a while. Or go w/o her sometimes. You are just setting her up to be ignored. But in the meantime, keep building her character and let her know she can be the bigger person, where she will always welcome them w/open arms, she doesn't have to put up w/being directly ignored either.

I think there might be a happy medium - can you pick and choose to go to some family functions to support your husband, but not all?

A couple questions.... you want your husband to mention something to who? The 13 year old girls? I think he may be asking a legitimate question when he says "what do you want me to do about it?" What DO you want him to do? Force the group of girls to include your daughter by changing what the majority of them like to do? That's unrealistic and would probably make things worse for your daughter.

Why don't you suggest to your daughter that she play their sport when she is there? Or have her bring a book or her DS and do her own thing. At 13 if you are not into whatever the group is into they don't want anything to do with you. So this is a GREAT chance for you to teach your daughter the skill of 'getting along' with others who are different than you - which is a skill she will need when everyone at the office loves to scrapbook and she doesn't. or everyone in her dorm watches scifi movies and she's left out. Or when everyone is playing on the office softball team and leaves work at 3 every Tuesday to bond and your daughter stays behind because she doesn't want to play.

Alternatively, you can teach her that she doesn't need to make an effort to join the group and get her comfortable in her own skin - going back to the have her bring her own activity or help grandma and grandpa or Aunt Betty in the kitchen.

I wouldn't stop going to family functions all together, especially if your husband wants to go.

One other suggestion..... could your daughter bring a friend who shares her interests and they could do their own thing?

Good luck.

I wouldn't stop going to family functions b/c that doesn't really "solve" the problem, especially if your husband doesn't see it as an issue that needs resolving.

I like the idea of having your daughter bring a board game or something else to do. I would also suggest inviting one or two of the cousins over OUTSIDE of a family activity. Invite them to come over for pizza and a movie on a random weekend so that they can get to know one another outside of the large family gatherings.

They are ignoring her b/c she doesn't enjoy the things that they enjoy- or at least they don't think so. Maybe they like pizza and movies... or would want to go get a manicure with you if YOU called and invited one of them to go.

If she's the "odd girl out", then have her initiate some socializing on "common ground" so that they can see that your daughter may not like sports, but she's fun too. Maybe I'm just naive here, but I doubt that they are deliberately making your daughter feel left-out.

It does, however, sound like you are having a bit of a pity-party and feeding into it rather than being proactive and finding ways to work through it. Have you thought of talking to one of your sisters-in-law and finding out what's going on (in a non-accusatory way). Maybe they all play on the same soccer team together, in which case why don't you and your daughter go cheer them on.

Really- be the adult here and find creative ways to bring the cousins closer together rather than cutting them out of her life.

When I was growing up I never fit in with my cousins on my Mom's side of the family. They were into partying, boys, drugs, etc. I was always a bookworm. I just didn't have anything in common with them. It made family gatherings really uncomfortable for me. But, at the same time, I liked going. Weird right? LOL!

At 13, I don't really think there's much you can do to make them talk to your daughter. I think you should still go, because family is family, but make sure that your daughter has things that she likes to do. You might find that she just likes hanging out with you and that's fine too. She's old enough to know what to expect at these types of things. Talk to her about it. Ask her opinion. If she doesn't want to go, perhaps she could go spend the day with a friend.

The bottom line is that they are your husbands family. I think that you should make them a part of your life, even if you don't "get" them.

I just saw the suggestion that she should take a friend. That's a great idea!!!!!

Have your daughter bring a friend. IF anyone says anything tell them WHY she had to bring someone...so she could have somebody to talk to!

If you cannot bring someone for her-YOU hang with her all day. Bring a board game you guys like and play it together. Or let her bring whatever will entertain her. Again-if anyone mentions it you tell them WHY.

How is not going going to make the situation better?

I think that you should continue to go and put on a good face about it. Since you know that your daughter won't be included with the other girls, talk to her about it before hand. Plan on hanging around with your kids more while you are there. After all, you'd be hanging around with them when you are at home ignoring the function.

I know that the behavior is hurtful, and I don't mean to minimize that feeling, but by not going you would be escalating an already unpleasant situation. Go and be kind about it, and that will be teaching your kids a lot about taking the high road.

Good luck.

My husbands family stresses me out. We were raised in very different families. My family was very child oriented and lots of conversation, etc. At my husbands families house you could sit in the house and if it werent' for the TV (that is ALWAYS on) you could hear a pin drop (well, with a 4.5 year old son and a 1.5 year old daughter that's kind of a stretch). My in-laws consist of my FIL, SIL, BIL. Basically no one has anything to say to one another and if it weren't for the kids we'd all just sit in silence. I've tried over the years starting conversation but I get one or two word responses and feel blown off. I've talked to my husband about it - and realized it's just me......he's told me over and over "what's weird about the dinner - that's how we always have been" So, what's the point of getting together if not to visit and catch up, etc.? It makes me uncomfortable so many times now I don't like the feeling of being ignored, etc. (I failed to mention many times if we're not eating people will just go up to other rooms and watch tv or surf the net by themselves) so I just don't go. Holidays I'll do but just to go over - I don't see the point anymore. I used to think I had an obligation but really - I'm done with that thought - I'd rather stay home and clean my house!

Nope. Don't let them win! Go and talk with the moms of these girls and tell them what you have observed. Tell them your daughter is really sad and feels left out--ask them what they will do about it. Then the ball is in their court-- if they don't say anything to change things, then you have your answer. But I would talk with the parents first and then see where that leads. Good luck!

M

Hugs to you. I understand the problem you are facing. good for you standing up for your daughter. I too don't know how to get my husband to stick up for us. He finally did and his parents and family refused to talk to us for 3 weeks, even on easter. Then this weekend I told him to go to his famiy function alone, he got mad and said he can't go alone it doesnt look right. I read some of your responses and I pretty much believe they gave you great advice, I just read your post this afternoon and just knew you needed a hug :)

There is no reason to put your child in the company of people who are cruel to her, family or not. Just because she doesn't share the same interests as these girls is NO excuse for them being just plain rude to her. If I were in your shoes, I would send my husband by himself to the next few family gatherings, as long as he seems to enjoy them. Make some other fun plans for you and your daughter. If your husband is pressed, he should be honest with his family. He should tell them your daughter did not want to come, and you are spending the time with your daughter, period. You have mentioned it to your SIL, they ought not be surprised by your choice.

Continue to go , but take board games a puzzle, something daughter can do.

That is what we always did. Our daughter is not into sports.. So we took "Projects" and games and she would sit close by and so some of the adults would join in.

She has always been more mature and was always kind of part of the grown up groups.. She is still way closer to the adults int he family than her cousins..

I think going to his family functions is necessary, on holidays or birthdays, for your husband. Obviously it's hard for him to stand up to his family and he doesn't know how to do it. But if you all of a sudden refuse to go, then you become the drama instead of them.

The other girls sound like a bunch of brats - sorry if that's harsh but I can turn into a witch if anyone is mean to my kids! I'd praise your daughter for trying so hard in the past to talk to them, but let her know it's ok to just hang out with you or do her own thing when she's over there. She's tried and tried, at this point those girls need to be nice and make the effort to talk to her. It's annoying that their mothers aren't intervening either. I mean surely they see your daughter trying to talk to them and being ignored??

I don't think it's a clique... I think it's just that they don't know your daughter. And children behave the way their parents model. I don't know what you think your husband can say or do. He would come across as being critical of his sibling's parenting and how they live. That's even more rude than some family discourse and how the cousins were behaving. It doesn't even sound like they were bullying but just didn't really know how to relate or interact, and for kids when that happens they avoid rather than make an effort sometimes.

My husband's cousin's children are around my kids' ages and many of them do the same thing to my girls. I frankly don't care. My kids don't let anyone ignore them so they always have fun wherever they go, and they tend to make friends quickly (well, two of my daughters anyway). We don't see them very often so I don't worry about it. We have so many other social functions where everyone is friendly and inclusive. I figure it's good for children to be exposed to all kinds of people so that they can learn from it as long as the other children aren't behaving in a harmful way or bullying.

I know I'm responding late but thought I'd add my two cents :)
When my son was little he had fun playing with his cousins on my husbands side. But as they started to enter their teens things changed. His cousins were into sports, hunting, things like that and my son was more into music, reading and computer games, so they just didn't have much in common. We still "made" him go with us because we felt it was important to sometimes be together with the whole family.
It's hard to make teens talk when they just literally don't have much to say to each other. Have her bring a book, magazines, ipod, whatever, or maybe she could bring a friend along?
Like your husband I have a family that is full of drama and tension but I still make an effort to be connected because hey, these are my people!

I like the idea of your daughter bringing a friend or something to do. Can she bring a book or sketch pad? What does she like to do that is portable?

Honestly, what do you expect your husband to say that's going to help the situation and not make it worse? "Hey your girls are mean make them talk to my daughter"? You know how girls are at this age...if their parents are too clueless to have noticed the pattern and done something about it before now, they sure as heck aren't going to do anything helpful at this point.

You're husband should stand up for his daughter. My oldest is agnostic, believes in "altered Anarchy," and, like her big brother, an all around punk. She had long layers of wild colored hair, wears combat boots, bondage pants, corsets, you name it. Her latest movement was getting an undercut as she calls it. She shaved just one side of her head, like a laying down mohawk.
Well my boyfriend's daughter and granddaughter (Alex is my granddaughter) are very "preppy." Hollister, cute jeans, long natural colored hair. Alex has been putting up with his granddaughter and daughters remarks for about 4 years now (She was around 14 when they were all introduced) and this last weekend was the final straw when we were at the lake and his granddaughter thought it would be funny to run up behind Alex, call her a dyke, and undo the back of her bathing suit. She just full on punched his granddaughter in the face(a year younger than her), then her boyfriend let her get dressed and they went to the docks.
I know how you feel with the unnessacary drama and BS. Thats all my boyfriend's family is also. Sadly, it may get bad enough like this. Alex isn't naturally forceful, but shes been ridiculed behind her back for years now and she knew it.
My boyfriend isn't happy, but I warned him years ago that Alex will snap and it wont be pretty. I think she ended up tearing out his granddaughter's nose piercing.
You should do what you feel is best for your daughter sinc eyour husband isnt doing much

I don't[ see any point in going. No one talks to you or your daughter, and they kind of ignore your husband. So the point in going is...what? You can't change them, your husband won't say anything (maybe he knows it won't do any good), so stay home. If he wants to go, fine. You said last time was the final straw. So that's your decision. Stick to it. FInd some friends who fill in the role you'd like family to fill - interested, supportive, accepting.

If anyone calls to ask why you didn't come, you can either answer them directly, or answer with a question: "Whatever do you mean? Why would we continue to come after what happened during the last 4 visits?

Sounds like the mama bear is impacted here - that's how we are when it involves our kids. Like another person said here, bring stuff for her to do. When you know you're going to be at your DH's family gathering buy a few nice bea type things and let your DD make jewelry (not the tacky stuff in kits -but they sell separate stones, charmes, etc.) or bring a sketch pad she can draw in or somethign that she enjoys. Another option is to get inolved in the sports yourself- croquet, volleyball. Some of our most fun family gatherings have been when we brought a volley ball net (you can buy ones that come in their own carrying case in parts that break-down and pack up) and the adults played mixed in with the "kids". What about a deck of cards and ginrummy? Or a DVD?
Unfortunatley , there's nothing you can do to make 13 yr old girls hangout with eachother - it's just not gonna happen. But if she's got something to be interested in she may find that one of the other girls may be interested and end up joining her if it's soemthing that more than one person can do.

Good luck - all of this just aint easy...

This is a tough one. I don't know if skipping these altogether is a good idea, but maybe letting your husband go solo sometimes would be fine. I don't see any reason to subject your daughter to being odd man out that often. That said, unless you really want to broach the subject openly with his family, you'll probably need to attend occasionally just to keep the peace. As for your daughter, I ache for her! It's such a hard age. Are these her cousins, i.e., has she known them her whole life? Or is this a step-family situation? The former might give them some ground to work with, at least a little bit of a bond from somewhere way back. Is there some way you could put them all in a new environment together, something that would bring them out of their sports-enthused fog, like, all go to a movie together or something? Maybe just something to give them some common ground? Let us know what happens . . .