Should I Start a New Romance?

Take a chance on love, D.. Sounds like this guy is something special, and that you are smarter and wiser than before. I wish you all the best!

Contemplate one thing before starting a relationship. What went wrong with the others? There is only one thing in common with all the men you have ever dated and -- THAT WOULD BE YOU. You are right when you have doubts about being in a new relationship, staying single and spending the last 8 months with your children was never a bad idea. If you do so feel inclined to begin a new relationship with a man then heal yourself. You may be too independent to bend and stoop to a man in a relationship that requires each half to meet half way. That type of independence takes away from a relationship and causes damage. If you beleive you are able to walk away from your own stubborn independence and give half the weight of decision making to someone else then you are ready for a commitment. If not, then I guess if you are not afraid to have male friends, female friends and platonic fun then may be dating is all you are ready for. Just because you have found happiness alone dosen't mean you are ready to share, beware of that false sense of security, you may be a very different person once back into a relationship; only you would know. I hope you are getting along with your children very well, those are relationships that can't go unattended.

Dear D.,

Ummm, well, maybe you should go slow. You are right that it is a good thing that you and your friend have similar backgrounds.

Just go slow, just enjoy being with him and let your boys get to know him. Listen to what they have to say about him, remember they are all the same gender and therefore might understand things about him that you don't catch onto .

Enjoy, Sincerely, C. N.

If you r single by choice why r you looking for a reationship, you have 4 boys why not put more into the reationship with them. Of course if your boys are full grow men, no they dont need as much from you as if they were little.

There is absolutly nothing wrong with trying. I think. And this is just me. You should see where it leads. I am a firm beliver that everything happeneds for a reason. Even if things don't work out you will never ask yourself "what if?"

No offense to the last writer, but that was very harsh. I am assuming your boys are old enough to understand what relationships are about. We have good ones and we have bad ones. Yes, your main concern should be the boys, but at the same time you need someone for yourself. Dont let the boys get attached to the guys you date. I am a firm believer in this as I have seen it hurt too many children. Date and if it does lead up to something more serious, then start doing the family outtings, etc. You need to work on yourself and your relationships and not bring them back to the house for your boys to get hurt as well. When you work on yourself and date you will be wise enough to know when the time is right to move on or continue with that relationship. Dont push your children to know the man you are dating as this all takes time. If you take your time, everything will fall into place.

Well in my opion you can only learn from your pass and should never let it hold you down. You can take your time but dont take you self 100% out the game. Talk to him and let him know where your coming from and if he is this Mr. Right he will understand and be there for you. You can still soul search with this man at your side.

First ask yourself why the relationship was left in the past, if it was for frivulous reasons, carry on..... If there were major issues, step back and take care of you and only you!!! If what ever took the two of you apart is just little stuff, contact him and make plans to get together with NO expectaions, maybe you don't exactly need a romantic relationship right now, but maybe you can have a good friend with similar past experiences. And who knows after some more healing you can take your friendship to the next level. If it was a new person I would probably say hold off, but sometimes those past relationships are the ones that always haunt us with the what if's. Good luck and please let us know what you decide!!!!!

I think the fact that you asking is very telling. You've done the relationship thing and it hasn't had a great turn out so maybe some more soul searching is what you need. Heal yourself, make yourself whole and that way when you walk in to a relationship (any relationship) you will be able to bring a healthy person...one who isn't shattered and worn.

I did the relationship hop thing. One right after another...mostly overlapping. I never took time to heal and I regret it. I think some of my early marriage problems could have been avoided if I walked in a little more whole.

D., I have read the judgmental responses from some of the women below. If u look at their profiles they r lucky enough to have it all and pass their judgment off to u. u deserve to be happy. And u deserve to be happy as a single mother. U r not the “common problem” as one perfect woman so eloquently put it. I personally have been divorced twice. I DO NOT put the blame on myself. I put it on the beating 1st husband and the cheating 2nd. I am lucky to not have taken advise by women like the ones who r trying to make u feel like a bad person by telling u to not to date. I am now married to a very good man. (btw he was not the 1st man I dated.) My children love him as much as I do. If I had listened to ppl like these women. I would be lonely right now.
I have to agree with Brenda L. I am also a believer in fate. My husband I have known for a better part of a decade. If I did not give it a chance. Then I would be asking my self "what if?" right now. don’t make that mistake. Life is too short. Live it.

In my opinion, you should stop dating until your boys are up and out of the house. They don't deserve the drama of your love life. What they deserve is a mom who is 100% devoted to them without distraction. Haven't they gone through enough already? Before you dismiss this advice, really think about what is in the best interest of your children, in your heart.

I agree that the fact you're asking can be telling. But why are you asking? Are you seeking approval? Or do you really not know what you should do? If you really don't know in your heart of hearts, it may be worth doing some soul-searching or meditation or even simply letting this opportunity go for now until you can make a choice on your own and feel truly solid about it. If you're simply seeking approval, give some thought to what's stopping you. Deal with that (I know - easier said than done, but you need to make sure you don't take whatever it is into a relationship with you) and then move forward. I agree that moving slowly is a good idea. That way you can deal with whatever comes up as it comes up for you - one hurdle at a time.

As for the advice to not start any relationship until your boys are grown and gone... Are you serious??? ...or married? ;) The romantic side of you is still part of who you are. To put it on a shelf completely would actually set a very bad example for your boys. We are all human and we deserve to have love in our lives - not just the mother/child kind. Also, love (as well as life in general) is messy! Your children deserve a realistic and humanistic view of their mother and of the world they live in. To deny a part of yourself in front of them would be truly sad - for them and for you.

Best of luck making your choice! I know it will be the right one for you - whatever it is!

~L.

Dear D., You need to pay attention to your soul and mediate to find out if you are ready for this relationship. You metion that you have many talents, but you have spread yourself too thin and not mastered any of them. Your lesson is to master one of them and put your focus on one thing only. Find out what is really important to your soul right now and focus on that. The best things in life take perservance and time as well as patience, but it will make you grow spiritually. Take care and good luck! Remember, listen to your soul.....

D.,

I am a receent empty-nested divorced mom of two. From my experience, I have to says incerely, from the heart, do your kids a favor and keep it all out of their realm until they are grown and out of the house.

If you see him, don't see him, be a friend to him, or not, your kids don't need to be drug through it. The only man they care about is already gone from their lives. No one else will fill his shoes. (even if he is not a good dad - it is the biology or blood, as they say, that binds)

I don't know how old they are but you should wait until you finish your job with them. Your job is to be there for them at least until they are legal adults.

As for your "right" to have a love life, you gave that up when you divorced their dad. It doesn't matter whose fault it is, your kids' life was turned upside down and the only way to make it right for them is to stand by them now and keep the drama of your love life from them. They went through it once with the man who is their blood, they should not ever have to go through it again.

So until you can guarantee them that they will not have to deal with the drama that your love life may bring (and odds are, I'm sorry, it will) then you should not start up a romance until they are adults and don't have to have their daily lives impacted by the drama.

If this new guy is truly the one, he will be there for you when they are grown and you are ready. In the meantime, focus on being a mom. They will be gone before you know it.

Sincerely,

D.