Yesterday my husband bought the new Spiderman movie, but I told my son he can't watch it until Friday - family movie night. I don't let them watch movies on school nights. Today was a half day, so he asked to watch the new movie. I feel bad that he knows we already have the movie, but I kind of don't because I think it's important to learn about delayed gratification.
I hid the movie in a place that he will never find. I've already told him he'll never find it, yet he's still looking. Should I tell him to give up? Or let him look and figure out on his own that Mommy really can keep things from him? He just asked me if he could watch it if he finds it. I told him he can't watch it, and he won't find it.
I'm not going to let him watch it, but do you think it's mean to let him continue looking in vein?
He gave up moments after I posted this, so it became a non-issue. I'd love to hear everyone's thoughts, though, as I have no doubt he will test me like this again in the future.
Gamma G - I apologize for being vague. I have more than one child, hence the "them." My husband and I agreed that we would watch the movie together as a family Friday night.
I was actually hoping my husband would either buy the movie of Friday (still on sale) or buy it and not say anything. But then I thought it really is ok for kids to know it's there and know the still have to wait. Adults have to have patience, and this is partly how we learn.
Tina - That is something I really need to work on. He definitely pushes boundaries and does not always respect, "Don't touch it." He sometimes acts as though breaking a rule doesn't count if you don't get caught.
Mamazita - I don't try to control my husband, but it certainly would have made it easier if he hadn't blabbed! I think he was just excited, but then he went to work and left me with the eager kid. What can you do?
Katrina - Yep, definitely something I need to crack down on. He didn't actually pester me. Just looked for the movie. But he knows better than to pester me. I don't put up with that, though I could see some people saying that just looking for the movie is a form of pestering. Hadn't considered that, as he wasn't really bothering me.
Dorris Day - Oh no, I said I DO think he would test me again. That's exactly why I asked the question. I was wondering if letting him look was setting him up to think that my hiding something was a challenge. I couldn't decide if I needed to nip it in the bud so he knows no means no or if looking in vein would teach him to believe me when I say, "Not gonna happen."
I know that if I hide things it can teach them (both my kids) to just keep looking rather than respect me when I say, "No." On the other h and, removing temptation is sometimes a kinder thing to do than to have the prize that you can't enjoy for 3 more days just sitting there staring at you. Someone mentioned Christmas, which poses an interesting question. Do you place the presents under the tree throughout the season, or do you place them all (not just the ones from Santa) under the tree after the kids go to bed on Christmas Eve? I'm not so sure there's a wrong answer, but I really do like hearing different people's opinions.
Food for thought.
Well as a grown woman, all I can say is, if someone brought a delicious chocolate cake into my house, and then told me I couldn't have a piece for several days, I wouldn't be too pleased.
Geez, why did you even tell him about it? I mean, I'm certainly not one to give kids everything they want when they want it but that DOES sound kind of mean :-(
I think the hiding and looking is reeeeally building the anticipation of it, and could be adding some fun to an otherwise boring week. Or could be building up expectation that will not be met when he finally watches the movie. But kind of like Christmas you know, the suspense building. I know I look forward to certain things on Fridays to get me through the week.
I just think it sounds kind of fun, the only issue I see is if he gets so obsessed he is looking in places that violate standard family privacy, like mom's underwear drawer or something ;)
When I was a kid, I would have accepted your statement as a challenge and torn the house apart looking for where it might be hidden. I might have resorted to fibbing to keep up the search. (i.e. I'm not looking for spiderman, I'm looking for my pink slipper.) That's just my disposition.
If this happens again, just repeat the rule, and ask the kid what would work better for them. Would they prefer that you hide the video, or would they like it in plain site? Either way, if they try to watch it before Friday movie night, they you will force them to stop and loose the privelege of watching it on Friday.
Best,
F. B.
Ba ha ha!!! NO it won't hurt him to look :) I'd only tell him to quit looking if he was in danger of unearthing birthday or Christmas presents....
It's also OK to just not let him watch it. You don't HAVE to hide it. But sure, let him look!
Nah, unless it's bugging you to have him rummaging through your things, let him look. If you don't like him rummaging (which I wouldn't if it were my closet or something), then make him stop.
I'm sorry if this sounds bitchy, but the last thing I would do in my house is allow kids to be looking for things I've hidden, even if I knew they would be looking in vain. Kids have no business going through adult's things. You say you don't think he'll test you again on this - really??!! You're setting him up to do it and allowing it.
Katrina is spot on about the movie not being watched on Friday night, and the whole family would lose out. It's like being in the Army - one private screws up and the whole platoon gets a punishment. If you do this, the sibs will not only let him have it for his behavior - they will learn what happens if they do it.
If I told him no and he was still looking, he'd be in trouble. In our house, I would have bought it and put it with the other movies, and if they had to wait, they had to wait. And if they kept asking, already knowing the answer was no, they'd be in more trouble. I'd have sent my daughter to her room until she was done asking.
Geez. I'm sorry. Movie on school nights? ...I don't see the big deal. Plan it do bedtime stays the same. Not a big deal to **me**.
if I had your rule "no movie on school nights" then I would have done the same as you, except not hidden the movie. I would have put it in the DVD rack until Friday.
I do not hide Christmas gifts either, I put them in my room and tell my girls "DO NOT GO IN MY ROOM" they know why, I'm sure they have snuck a peek here and there but I've never caught them in there.
I would have told him to stop looking and as already stated "We are watching it as a family on FRIDAY" keep looking for it after I told you to stop you can sit in your room while the rest of us watch it.
If he KNOWS the rule, then what's the big deal? Let him learn based on your actions, not your words. Say what you mean and mean what you say =) A good reminder for all parents.
If I had to go through hiding it so my kids left it alone because they kept pestering and they kept looking for it in spite of me telling them to knock it off, that movie would not even get to be watched at the originally agreed upon date. It would have to wait another week, assuming they did not keep it up the next week.
Rule of the house. If you endlessly pester and make a pill of yourself you loose it. End of discussion. Yes, the whole family gets punished by not getting to watch it on Friday night. In our house the other siblings really let the offender know that they screwed up. "Public shaming" can do wonders LOL
It's along the line of "If you don't quit asking, the answer will be no instead of not now." That's what I tell DD when she bugs me. She's pushed it, and lost, so she doesn't do that so much.
I would probably tell him to stop looking because even if he finds it he won't be watching it until Friday. If he continued to look for it I would probably find him something better to do, like pulling weeds out of the garden.
We have similar rules about movies, and I don't think you're being mean at all. However, I would discourage him from searching. Direct his energy into other activities. Have him figure out how many days there are between today and Friday. Have him draw Spiderman, dress up as Spiderman, whatever floats his little boat.
One of the great joys of childhood is anticipating something: a birthday, Christmas/Hanukkah, whatever. Sometimes the anticipation is even more pleasurable than the event. You're not being mean by helping him develop this skill.
Let him look. He has already been told that he can't watch it even if he finds it. Looking for it is keeping him occupied and out of mischief.
You don't let your husband watch movies during the week? Seriously?
" I don't let them watch movies on school nights."
We watch what ever we want during the week. I'd have let him watch it. BUT had I bought a new movie for movie night I'd have bought it when kiddo was in school and put it up in my room until Friday night.
you really set him up for hide-and-seek and obsessive searching by tantalizing him. if you didn't want him to look for it, why hide it and then tease him about it? i don't get at all how you equate that with teaching him about delayed gratification.
put the dang movie on the shelf next to the tv and tell him you'll watch it on friday and not to touch it the meantime.
case closed.
khairete
S.
By telling him he'll never find it, you absolutely challenge him to do just that! So I'd stop that - it's going to backfire on you down the road.
FYI I grew up in a family with a "no TV on school nights" rule. It was awful. Occasionally there was a science program on TV and it was a school assignment, but no, I went to school the next day with a note from my mother that I was not allowed to complete the homework because no TV is allowed. I watched insane amounts of TV on the weekends for many years just because the rule was so hard and fast. And if my parents were ever out of the house, my brother and I blew off our homework and headed right to the TV. We never learned to choose decent shows - we just watched whatever was available. So you might want to re-think that rule.
You won't always be able to remove hazardous or forbidden items and hide them - the stove is in the kitchen, the traffic is in the streets, the scissors are in the drawer just feet from the electrical cord. No has to mean no, and it has to be reasonable. You have to lay down reasonable laws, be flexible on other things, and find a balance between rules and negotiation. But a battle of wills (I hid it so well that you will never find it) is going to set you up for a hellish life with kids always pushing boundaries and teenagers who can't wait to engage in risky behaviors. Find a style of discipline with your husband that can be consistent and fair.
