Should I Leave My Husband?

If you were EVER happy, watch the movie Fireproof...actually every married couple should watch Fireproof, it's an amazing marriage strengthener!

Can I assume you loved him when you married him? If so are you willing to print out what you have said and give it to him when both of you are in a good or docile mood?

I tell gives that the first year of marriage is the worst, then the next five. If you make six years, and are willing to look into the mirror and tell your self that you are going to take the other for granted.

When you start to take the other for granted you start to drift apart.

After he reads what you stated, and he can communicate with you in a good mood see if he will go to conseuling with you. If not there is still a possibility of saving the marriage by living separately apart. Then after three months both of you may agree to go to conseuling.

Sad thing here is that you have two children and they need both a mother and a father. The last thing they need is step mother or step father. The more parents involve the harder for the children to accept them. If they resent any parent you are, and they are, in for problems.

God Bless

Dearest C.,

No one can tell you what you should or shouldn't do. This is your life, thus your decision. However, we can give opinions.

It is not my place to judge you or your situation. I, for one, just left an eight year marriage for many of the same issues you've listed. Hence, I can only speak from my perspective and my experiences.

You cannot change someone who does not want to change! You cannot heal someone who does not want healing! You cannot right the wrongs if the other person is incapable of admitting there are wrong-doings in the marriage!

Saving yourself is all that you can do! Save your dignity. Save your self-esteem! Save your self-image! And more importantly since you have young children, THINK. THINK about what you are teaching them by living in misery, feeling like a no-body, and allowing another human being to make decisions for you and dictate to you what must be done! What does this say to your children about their own self-worth?

I have no small children but still thought about the message my lack of action said to my young adult children. What image of myself was I portraying to them? What was my lack of attention to my own needs saying to my children. I had to practice what I had preached to my kids! I had to SAVE MYSELF, to recognize my own self-worth, and get out!

The choices are all yours. Follow your heart. It's ok to care about someone, in fact it's good to care. It's Ok to love someone From a DISTANCE too. You cannot save the world, my dear. BUT you can save yourself!

God Bless you and your family. All things must come from LOVE or else they do not come from GOD. Be brave. pray. Ask for strength to do what you already know you must do!

If I can be of further assistance, even just to be a sounding board, feel free to write to me directly. take care of yourself, my dear.

sincerely,

dmariaB.

Good morning, C.,

You said questions were okay, so I have two. Are you a Christian? Do you believe the Word of God is true?

The Bible says very clearly - no need for interpretation here - "Wives, do not leave your husbands". Sometimes we make poor choices, but then we don't want to deal with any consequences. According to the Word, the husband is the 'head' of the wife.

Also, one scripture tells you, "Likewise, you wives, be subject to your own husbands". I always enjoy how some specific words start a verse that readers tend to read past. If you look at what was just BEFORE this verse to see what that "likewise" refers to, it is talking about the relationship of a slave to a master. I know, I know - no one wants to hear that, but it is the Word.

Thing is, C., you are not responsible to God for how your husband acts. You'll never stand before His Throne and answer for anything other than your own actions. So how you RE-act to him, you WILL answer for. I can tell you from personal experience that even though it may "seem" unfair, God is trying to make you more into the image of Christ Jesus - IF you have received Him into your heart as Lord. If not, please email me privately or call ###-###-#### and we can talk about that. So even though 100 of 100 outsiders may say "he" is wrong, God may want to be cleaning up something in your own life.

It is never ALL one person's 'fault' - not that any "blame" needs to be accessed. But I'm going to predict that if you make the decision that you do love God and want to show Him how much through obedience, you will make the commitment to do everything ON YOUR PART you can do to save this marriage for the sake of your two children.

BELIEVE that God can turn your husband around. PRAY and ask Him to help you be a better wife and to help your husband be a better husband in the same manner - to the same degree YOU try. It shouldn't be hard to BELIEVE God can change him because it is the TRUTH! Nothing is too difficult for Him. YOU CANNOT change him, only God can. You are only responsible for YOU and it appears to me that God is wanting to deal with you at this very moment.

Scripture says - hold onto your seats, ladies - that we wives are supposed to Submit ourselves to our husbands AS UNTO THE LORD. Would you pick up Jesus' dirty clothes or leave them in the floor and gripe and complain that you're not his mother? Would you do other little things - or big - that He ask you to do around the house? I am willing to do ANYTHING the Lord tells me to do. "LIKEWISE" I am willing to do ANYTHING my husband tells me to do.

Now - - yes, THEY have responsibilities toward the wife, but OUR instructions don't include "IF THEY ARE DOING EVERYTHING RIGHT" then we are to - - - SO no arguments on how HE acts justifying your bad response, your bad acting. Here's what "I" found - when I was obedient to the Word, GOD ALMIGHTY started dealing with my husband. I could almost SEE a daily change in him. It was amazing and I praised God.

We have since that particular time been "to hell and back" more than once - things weren't always perfect, BUT having committed to make it through, every time we went THROUGH a difficult period, we came out on the other side with a deeper, more profound love. We have been married 41 years in June and will be together until only death parts us. I have a husband now who loves me more than himself - he is the most treasured friend I have. I am so safe in him and with him and although I still rear up and let my opinion be known, I respect any decision he makes and the FINAL decision DOES lay in his court because HE will be the one answering for it. "I" am NOT the boss (master, head) in our relationship, I am submissive to his leading - which is now enveloped in love and mutual respect and care for my well-being - it wasn't always.

It isn't unusual to be thinking of your 'horrible' plight. Without ANY doubt, Satan wants to keep that front and foremost on your mind - in your thoughts. But quit thinking of YOURSELF and start thinking of how you can be amore perfect wife. HE WILL respond to this, I promise - it might take a while, but he WILL start treating you better and better. It's almost like my husband and I have a little contest going on who can be the most "better to the other". Wow, what a way to live. "Serving" each other. Jesus was a servant to all.

You chose to marry this man. You must have seen something wonderful in him then. Go back there and commit to ONLY THINK on what is good and pure and worthy of a good report. When an ugly thought comes to your mind about him or something he's done, say aloud - "I choose NOT to think about that!" Quit "saying" bad things about him and start repeating only the good things he does to family and friends - how much you love this about him or that about him - and tell HIM, too. Quit always telling him how bad and wrong he is. Theen stand back and behold the change you instigated!

These are the final words - TRUST in the Lord! Lean NOT to your own understanding! In ALL your ways, acknowledge Him and He WILL direct your path. Show God that you love Him though obedience. Wife C., do NOT leave your husband!

I do write books for a living : )
Blessings to you C.. May I pray for you?

Father in the name of Your beloved Son Yeshua (Jesus' HEBREW name Joseph and Mary and all the disciples called Him), I bring C. to your throne. Father, You know every detail of her marriage and I know how very much You love C. and that You have wonderful plans for her life. Lord, by Your Holy Spirit, draw her heart to Yourself so that she will want nothing more than pleasing You. I bind her mind to the mind of Christ and ask you to help her stand against the enemy who is out to destroy her marriage. We thank You for her reaching out and for You allowing me to see it and respond to her cry for help and advice. Reveal the truth to her, Lord and keep her always in Your loving embrace. Help her to be the best wife she can be and the best mother she can be and not to thikn of herself above her husband and children. Show C. what You can do, Father! Let her see so clearly Your hand in her husband's changes that she will be singing Your praise to anyone who will listen. You are our only savior, Lord, our hope is in You. Show Yourself strong on C.'s behalf as she seeks to honor You through obedience. Amen.

C., may you be filled with peace and joy!
Grami

Blessings
Grami

I honestly think you should go. What kind of enviroment is this for your children. You know they see you sad. I know what your going through and if you don't get out now you may not ever. It is going to get worse your going to get to the point where you are going to explode. No to Counseling it is not going to help he is to stubborn. When and if you go don't let him con you back because it's not you he is going to miss, it is all the things you do for him. Take my advice if you HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO LEAVE THEN LEAVE. I noticed some of the advice from others and thay disagree with me but I'm sure none of them has ever been through this before. I have and you should GO!

Controlling men are unlikely to change but I still think you should try counseling for many reasons. It can't hurt! Then at least you can say you tried. Even if you go by yourself. A counselor can help you to make an informed decision about leaving or not- they aren't just there to help you reconcile. Also, there is no harm in trying counseling for the sake of your children. You can learn techniques to be a better mom to them regardless of your husbands bad behavior. Also, you might need it if going through a divorce and a good counselor can help you deal with such an emotional time. One more reason, a couple of months in counseling is no time at all compared to a life changing decision that will change you for the rest of your life- the next 50 or so years. I hate this for you and hope you find what is right for you and your family! Good luck.

My suggestion if you love him is to get involved in church and get closer to GOD. He loves you and can help you to make the best decision. Thanks, K.

It sounds bad. If I were you I would go to counseling by myself. Counseling can "work" in other ways besides helping you and your husband stay married. It can give you the clarity you need to make a big decision like this.
Since you say you do nothing but home making (not that this is doing nothing!) and that your husband has mental problems and is controlling with money, you should also seek legal counsel early to be prepared economically for the changes a divorce would bring.

Is he violent? If so, then take the kids and leave - now.
If he's not violent, have you told him in plain terms how his behavior makes you feel? Is this the kind of marriage his parents had and he thinks it's normal?
Let him know exactly how you feel, that his behavior is unacceptable, and tell him that if this marriage is going to continue that things have got to change. Tell him you want to see a counselor, and if he won't go with you, go by yourself. A counselor can not only help you figure out if this marriage is worth saving, but also connect you with resources to help you if you do decide to leave - lawyers, housing, child care, job search, etc.
No one should have to live the way you're living. You said for better or for worse, but IMO, "for worse" applies to things like lay-offs and illness; it doesn't apply to refusing to help you take care of the kids, or treating you like an unpaid servant.

I went through EXACLTY what u are, only my son was 8 months old. I filed for divorce from a man that controlled,manipulated,deceived, and was the devil in the flesh. But... guess what?? I got ME BACK!!!! I loved being myself again laughing w/girlfriends,enjoying life,MAKING MY OWN DECISIONS. It took a while to get use to having NO ONE TO ANSWER TO! I loved it. I eventually meet the man of my dreams, and now I know what marriage is suppose to be like, it's wonderful. You have a long road ahead of u, and I promise his true colors will shine if he finds out ur leaving. My ex never wanted me to be successful,w/success comes power. I now own my own business!!! Good Luck!!!!

Dear C.,

I know it seems like it's better to run from the problems and leave your marriage, but I feel that you should try EVERYTHING..couseling first and foremost, before you decide to call it quits. I don't know what your religious views are, but is God a part of your relationship? I've been widowed for quite some time and had a horrible marriage. Looking back, I married for the wrong reasons. I'm not sure if this is the case with you, but if it isn't then a counselor could help ya'll sort through the issues. It seems you have a lot of resentment that has been building up. Please get the help you need....even if he won't agree to go. It will help you make a better decision.

God bless,
K. C.

http://www.bestlife4myfamily.com

I also live in Huntsville, and your life sounds like my life,except i have a 2 year old girl(Emma), and 1 year old boy(Isaac). I'm not kidding, I never have my own money, god forbid I have any friends! It almost sounds as your living my life! Gosh, I'm so sorry,and I think you should leave him. Do you have the means to take care of yourself and the kids? If I had any family that could help me, I'd be gone too, but I atleast have to wait until I can take care of my kids on my own! The reason I think you should leave is your so young and you STILL have your whole life ahead of you and do you really want to be unhappy forever, when you could ultimately find he love of your life who respects you, and cares about your feelings, and wants to make you happy. Believe me there is someone out there like that for all of us! I'm 27, and I so feel your pain, and when I get the courage and chance I'm leaving too. Someone else can putup with his insecurities! and bitchiness! I'll pray for you. Do what your heart tells you too.....Oh yeah, does your fighting affect your kids? If so then think about that ....Thanks for listening, E

I agree that this is a decicion that only you can make as to how much you want to try to make it work first. It seems like you have and he doesnt want to and it takes 2 to make it work and if he doesnt want to then dont stay just because its been 8 years. Why loose more time you, and he for that matter, have to find someone who will make you truly happy. I am not one quick to tell people to get divorced at ALL, but as a kid of a mother in the exact situation you are describing it effects your kids more than you can think of. It was hard seeing my mom struggle as a single mom but it was even harder to see her so miserable when married. She became a better mom to us when she finally found someone that made her happy too, not just him. She and he were together for over 10 years. They kept staying together cause "weve already put so much time into it" and "for the kids". Finally they asked me, the oldest, what I thought. I told her to stop using those reasons cause staying together for us was doing nothing but making our lives miserable and our home a place of fear rather than a loving safe refuge from the already horrible and scary world. The only reason I wanted them together was if THEY BOTH wanted to and BOTH would work on making it work. Basically you cant make anyone else happy if you arent happy and if he is not willing to go to counseling or seek help to help your marriage then dont waste another 8 years hoping. Others may not agree but thats my 2 cents. Just cause we are commanded to love eachother does not mean we have to like everyone or their ways and exp does not mean that we have to put up with being abused ourselves. Best wishes to you and if you ever need a friend please dont hesitate to contact me.
A.

You really should talk to him about getting help. Bipolar is a serious disorder and this probably all relates to his attitude. My husband has psychosis, depression, and severe anxiety. Before he got help he did things that were not him and I begged him to go talk to someone. He's been going for a little over 3 years and I'm so glad that does! There are still some things he won't do alone but that's ok because he comes so far!

My suggestion to you is that you should just tell him to seek help or you will take your children and leave. If he's not going to get help for you at least make him do it for your kids. He's not being fair to you at all & that makes you unhappy. No one deserves to live the way you are right now. You deserve so much better! I hope everything works out for you.

Hi C.,
It sounds like you're pretty unhappy but it's hard to give advice like whether you should leave him or not with out really knowing more. A lot of what you said sounds pretty common for a SAHM. I too am the primary caregiver and my husband thinks when he gets home from work he doesn't have to do anything. However, he is always kind, never raises his voice or tries to tell me what to do. A few years ago I felt a lot like you do. My husband took a job out of state and I stayed behind thinking I wanted a divorce. I was so miserable working and not being home with my baby and missing him (even though we had our problems) that I moved with him after 5 months and it was the best thing I ever could have done. You married young and started your family young and there is nothing wrong with wanting more out of life. Sounds like the first step should be getting out of the house. Possibly getting a job so you can have time away from home with other adults and make some money for yourself (after all if you leave him you will certainly need a job to support yourself and your boys) Maybe your husband doesn't want you to get a job but what's he going to do? I'm assuming he is not physically abusive, if he is you should pack up and leave immediately and go somewhere safe where he can't reach you.
I also wouldn't be so quick to dismiss counseling, what could it hurt to give it a try, both of you should commit to 5 or 6 sessions and then see if it helping or not. I guarantee nothing will be different after just 1 or 2
sessions.
I guess to sum up my opinion I would not leave now. Not until I exhausted all options. It is always best to try and make it work but that means coming to an agreement for both of you not just caving in and doing what he wants to keep the peace. If both of you are willing to change and compromise you can both be happy together.

Since he is diagnosed with Bi-Polar Disorder who prescribes his med's? Does he see a Psychiatrist? a Family Physician? If he isn't on med's he may need to be. I had a friend who was diagnosed and put on Lithium. As soon as she divorced her ex she was fine and has never been on meds again. Turns out she had PMDD. Anyway.... If he is seeing a professional for his illness then they need to know what he is doing. He may need his med's adjusted or changed. If he is not seeing someone, well, Bi-Polar people are hard to deal with even with med's. Not intolerable just difficult.

I recommend you go to counseling even if he doesn't go with you. You have a lot of hurt and anger inside that you will have to deal with whether he is around or not. If you have insurance then check with them about your benefits and who is on your list of approved therapists. If not then call your local Health Department, Hillcrest Mental Health Center, or look in the phone book. Below is a link to community mental health places. They should be based on income. Even if you have insurance they may have support groups that you could attend for free.

I have been to counseling many times and currently have a case worker who comes to my house every couple of weeks. We set goals and work together to accomplish them. It's not like counseling but more of a friend who helps me remember that I have a goal and steps to achieve it. I no longer take any meds for depression because I realized my environment was what was depressing me. It wasn't a biological issue. My husband receives disability based on mental illness so I know how hard it is to be with someone who is ill. I am not always easy to deal with either. I have learned many techniques that help me deal with his behaviors. You can learn many things in therapy. GO!!!!

http://www.odmhsas.org/menthealth.htm

Good luck and good mental health.

Grami is right. The Lord is the only answer. Seek Biblical counseling... God is the one who instituted marriage. And yes, Fireproof is excellent and should be watched by every married couple.

Sounds like an abusive relationship to me. Your son's are watching their dad treat you this way and will think it is the right way for a man to treat his wife. My suggestion is to leave. You can do it on your own. You will be happier if you can be amoung normal people. Good luck

Have you tried talking to your pastor/priest? You cannot change your husband's behavior, but you can change your outlook about it. You have to decide to "live" your life with him or without him, but don't make an impulsive decision just based on feelings. Committment takes a lot of effort.

My suggestion is to leave the house and then go to counselling. He will never appreciate the things you do until you are gone. So find a place you and the kids can stay so that the kids won't have to hear all of the arguing. Then tell him you will try counselling if he agrees to. That way you can try to get everything out in the open in your sessions and you won't have to worry about things thrown in your face once you get home. In my situation it helped and I was gone for 2 months. But if you come back set some ground rules about how you are to be treated. He will probably feel desperate after a while so beware of false promises. Its your life and value as a person that is at risk here. Don't settle!! You need to to do some things for yourself while you are away from him and start to feel like a normal woman again! You are still so young you can do or be anything! Believe in yourself!
Don't prolong the inevitable, you know that you can't live this way for much longer and if he has no plans to change then you need to go into action!

No one can tell you what to do that is a decision you have to make on your own. That said, if you are not happy and your husband is not willing to listen or change, you might want to think about leaving. My husband and I have been married for 16 years and we had some of the same issues you have and we have worked through them and are for the most part happy. Everyone disagrees some of the time. I thought many times about leaving but I made the commitment for life. My husband is a great father and has been somewhat flexible in listening to me when we have issues. We are still working on them and I am sure will continue. But your husband has to be receptive to treatment for his disease and to listening to you. Maybe you need a trial separation. Something to get his attention that you are serious. One other thing, our marriage started healing when we both dedicated our life to Christ and to his work and not our own. I don't know your religious preferences but GOD is a major solution in ours. Much luck to you and your family. Your boys are learning how to be a husband and father from watching there own.

Has he been diagnosed as bi-polar? O.K. this is a complicated problem. I have been through divorce, and do not recommend it to anyone, unless the man is cheating, and continues to cheat, or he is physically abusive to either you or the children. My ex was both of the first two. He never even disiplined the kids. I felt like a single mother most of the time. The toll on the children was very difficult,after the divorce. My ex would also beat me up in his sleep!I don't know if you're religious, but do you go to church? Is it a possibility he would go with you? If he is not treating you w/respect, I would tell him I'm no longer waiting on him, you are his partner, not his mother. Make sure you have a phone nearby, before you tell him you won't do anything, and have 911 on speed dial!He needs to realize if he doesn't make you feel good about yourself he will lose you all together. The financial thing was taking a toll on me until I turned it over to God. Not knowing the true dianamics in you household, I can't give you much advice, but I can tell you ,you catch more flies with sugar than with vinegar. That sounds crazy when they're being ugly, but I get about anything I want when I'm sweet. And my present husband told me a man will only treat you as bad as you allow him to. O.K. now, that's coming from a man! So believe it. If he gets physically abusive leave, and don't try to reconcile until you know he's gotten help. God Bless, and take care, if you have any more questions, or want to tell me more,send me a message.

You sound just like my sister, she is dealing with the same problems, she is 26, and she will be married 8 years in May but, she has three kids works two jobs, and goes to college. Her husband is the same as yours exept he can get abbusive. I will give you the same advice I gave her, but she wont take it, maybe you will. You need to wait until he is gone and get out. Go somewhere that he will not harrasse you to come home, somewhere that he has to be nice to you at. Then just go on about your life and if he really loves you enough he will drop his pride if he has to and begg for you to come home and of course make you some promises. If he don't beg then don't go back, because if he is willing to beg in front of people to get you back then he is willing to change, and in the future if he started to get back in the rut he was in before , you know being a jerk, then you can threaten to leave and maybe that will help him stay on track. But if you are not worth him begging for after 8 years of marriage, then give it up and learn from your mistakes. It's hard I know I've been there for myself, but my husband is a baby without me , he don't care he will beg in front of whoever he has to, but after i left for a couple of weeks and he seen how things were without me, he straightened up. Good luck, I hope I was some help to you.

it's a tough situation and I think only you can figure out what's right for you. Did he EVER treat you the way you want to be treated, or has he always treated you this way? If he was good to you in the past, maybe he's just lost his way. If he's always been this way, I am less optimistic that things will change.

My opinion is that even if he doesn't want to do counseling, maybe you should go to counseling by yourself. Maybe you could talk about your dissatisfaction with your current situation and tell him that you'd like to talk to a counselor to see if there is some way for them to help you. (I know my hubby wouldn't want to go, but if I made it sound as if I were "the one" needing help, he'd be okay with it) Talking it out with someone may help in ways you never imagined.

Other than that... all I can say is that you are NOT the only one who feels trapped in circumstances that are not what you always imagined for yourself and that I'll keep my fingers crossed that you work out a way to be happy.

Good luck!

Honey I feel like I just read a page of my life. I know exactly how you feel. I'm 27 years old and I've been in my relationship with my fiancee for almost 7 years. We have 5 children, only 3 of them we had together. We both had a daughter from previous relationships. I go through the same things that you wrote about and the shitty thing is that he is the one always threatning to leave. Which totally utterly pisses me off. I'm the one that has to put up with all the bs. I too have considered the counseling but also turned away from the idea because he will never admit his wrongs either.I'm always the one in the wrong! According to him only. I have alot of anger issues building up in me too. I really can't tell you to leave or to stay, obviously I'm in your shoes. I can just tell you that if you still love him at all, dig under all the anger, pray about it. I know that probably sounds crazy, and maybe it won't work. But that's what I do. And hopefully some day my prayers will be answered. It makes it alot harder to leave when there are children involved. I fear how they would react or turn out if I were to leave. Not to mention that in the long run I just want the man I fell in love with back. I know the man he can be and that he was. Try talking to your husband about the way he makes you feel. It doesn't help much for me but hopefully it will for you. I'm sure this probably won't help you much but I just want you to know you are not alone out there. I wish you the best of luck and I will pray for your miracle. V.

In my opinion marriage is an equal share. There are times you both have to give and receive. Your husband sounds like he doesnt respect you since he is the "money maker" what he needs to realize is taking care of the family is just as important as his work.He needs to value this in his marriage. Leaving your husband is a major decision , especially since you have to little boys that it will affect.You really need to think about all the issues at hand before making this decision. Look at all of your choices. Life is short and you should have all you need and want in your life. Goodluck . S. (Nurse) one daughter 21 and one on the way! married three times .(divorced at present)

I just read that you are getting the help and working on it. Keep it up. Lean on the Lord for understanding and help. He will help you both.

I pray that you both will find a way back to each other.

T.

Sounds like its time to cut bait. If he's unwilling to discuss the problem and even refuses to see that there is a problem, and unwilling to attend counseling with you, then you (and the kids) will be happier and healthier without him. Be warned, if he's a control freak, you're gonna get the biggest guilt trip of your life thru this divorce. And you'll never be rid of him entirely because of the kids. Good luck. :]

That is a question only you can answer, but if you decide to do so you must be prepared first.

First, get a full time - good paying job. DO NOT GIVE YOUR HUSBAND THIS MONEY.

If he requests that you contribute to bills, etc... Do so..

Deposit a portion of your money into your shared account and deposit most of your money into an account just for you at a separate bank. Request paperless communication with the bank and set up an email with hotmail or yahoo that he doesn't know about where you can receive your statements.

Throw all your check stubs away before going home.

When you go to the grocery store - try to spend less than usual and then write a check for over the amount. This money should go directly into your account as well. He will never know !!

Once you have between 5 and 10k in savings - RUN !!!!

It doesn't sound like he would be nice about it at all.

It will be hard. But, Good Luck :)

I believe in this case you want to leave and have many reasons to do so. There are often times that leaving is the best thing for everyone involved. An unhappy mother is not a good role model for your boys. You deserve to be happy and in love with a man who cares about you and shows you affection. In my opinion, many marriages can be saved but only when love and respect is still present. Sounds like it's time to move on in this relationship and this is something I don't take lightly or easily recommend.

Hi there C. :

Frankly it takes 2 to make a marriage. If he agrees to counseling, then grab it , not because he is terrible but to focus on the kids. Go to God. Take a walk and find a priest or preacher.

Startting off i know this sounds bad but, you should try and make it work. You have 2 children and despite the day we live in Divorce is not all it is crakced up to be. I am a stepmother of a little 7 year old boy, the divorce didnt make much difference to him because he was a baby when it happedned. it was when he was older and his mom was completely controlling and outrageous to his father. since then he has been abused by his mothers boyfriend and casted out by his mother because the two parents couldnt get along. Divorce doesnt help unless you are in a Physically abusive situation where you are scared for your life or your CHILDREN. I dont think it is right what he is doing either. Talking to a man that is like what you describe doesnt usually help trust me i know. I have found it is easier to do things for my son and me and include his father when nesecery. i do the cleaning and cooking and the childcare and i am on go 24/7. No its not fair but that is a mother role. I dont get my hair done however i do get what i want from my husband such as intimacy and gifts for my car. I see where you are comming but is it all worth the hardship you will go through with you and your kids to get a few worldy things. I would try and work it out with him. If its not working counseling is a good tool. even though he doesnt admit his wrongs he will hear the message you are sending. they may act like they dont hear you but i know they do. have you tried to spice up the intimate level in your releationship like doing somthing totally out of the norm. im not sure if your past that level or not. sorry if i want much help i have seen what controlling divorced parents do to kids and its not fun for anyone and leaves damaging effects for life.

I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you that you have to to what is best for you and your children, even if it means leaving your husband. There are plenty of resources through the state and county that can help you. Talk to your family and see if they can or will help you to do what is best for you and your sons. Best of luck to you.
G.

He sounds a lot like my Ex husband. We were married for 13 yrs. The last 2 were awful. He was manipulative, controlling, dominating and emotionally abusive. Once we got through the divorce and had our grieving time, we can now be civil with each other for our son. It was really hard on our son but he has survived it and I am in a relationship that I am very happy in. His dad is too. We both have started new lives and we both have remarried and have children in that new marriage. He now realized his mistakes with me and has told me as much. He also is apparently trying to not do those same things with the new wife. We went to counseling too and it did good for a while but then we were back to the same old life. He still tries to manipulate me but I don't let him anymore.

C. go to counseling!!! do it for yourself, if you guys don't go together go by yourself. this will help you make the right choices for you and your kids. are your kids in school? if so then go get yourself a part time job that will allow you to work around the kids school and any other activity. you can maybe even look in to taking online classes to keep yourself going. i can't till you that you need to leave your husband but you do need to remind him you are his wife not his mother. if he wants something he can do it himself. start thinking about yourself and what C. wants out of life and that will help you make the chioce you need to make. go get you some independents, you are to young to have that taken away from you.

Wow, if I didn't know better, I'd think I worte this!
We have very similar complaints and situations. I am sorry to say this, but it makes me feel better that there is someone else out there that feels the way I do. The things I am trying...
1. Let him know you are serious about the situation. (Do something dramatic that you haven't done before) that will jolt him into action.
2. Once he is willing to try to change, allow him to change.
3. Make a list of 5 things that he NEEDS to do for you DAILY to make your life easier and make you feel loved.
4. Try to find a mom's club in you area on yahoo groups. (I just joined one 2 months ago)it's a group that you can meet other moms and your kids are welcome at every event!! I am incredibly shy and have a hard time meeting people unless I can take my kids because I am a SAHM and have no babysitter or family around to watch them.
I have carefully considered leaving too, but I have heard in SEVERAL places that married couples are by far happier after sticking it out through hard times than the ones that got divorced and re-married.
He needs to change, but you can do some changes too that will cause some changes in him. A lot of this is how you THINK about the situation. Try to think of some positives and DWELL on those. This will be hard, but force yourself to do it. I hope this helps... BOTH OF US!

First think how much do you love your husband and kids? Do you really want to work on your marriage?
Think about a trial separation. Move in with family or friends, ones that will help protect you and the kids, in case he gets violent.
Then if both of you want to get back together, suggest counseling. If he refuses, then ask yourself just how much he really loves you.
But remember, you have to do what makes you happy and is right for you and your kids.
Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

L.

I'm sorry to hear you are having so many problems. I can identify and would definitely suggest counseling. While you can't make him attend counseling or admit to his part in the marital problems, you can go to counseling for your issues and take it from there. Sometimes dealing with your feelings and emotions gives you a new insight to dealing with someone else. It may be that he will follow your lead. Maybe not. My advice -don't give up until you attend counseling for yourself and can make the decision from a less angry and more constructive perspective.

Good luck to you. I pray for wisdom and peace to you during this difficult time in your life. God bless!

Has Dear Abby would say would you be better with or without him and only you can answer that. Remember that you are stronger and smarter than you think and you know what is best for your children, do you want them thinking that women have no say in a relationship. If you do decide to leave one go to or call the YWCA for help they are great at helping women get back on thier feet and they can help you find marriage counseling if you want to stay married. Also finding a church and being involved will help with friends and counseling

Have you ever read the book "5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman?? His love language may be acts of service (which you are doing) so he is completely happy in the relationship. Your love language may not be being met - easier to read the book (not a hard read) than me try to explain!! Good luck - if at all possible, try to rekindle the *magic* for the sake of the kids!! Huge HUGS to you!!

I think any married should be save if possible if the two big ones have not enter the picture. The two big ones are hitting and cheating. I have be married for 34 years but Lannie knows if one of them happens I am gone. No questions ask. I would have a long talk with him after I and several of me friends hand lifted the saturation up in prayer. I also make a appointment with someone and if he would not go I would go myself to show him how serious I am about this.

It sounds like you have made a comprehensive list of all the "cons" in the relationship and with your husband; and there are quite a few to say the least. I suggest that you make a list of the "pros" about the relationship/your husband. If the cons heavily outweigh the pros, you should probably consider leaving him to make a better life for yourself and, ultimately, for your children. I say your children because your boys are learning how to treat their future significant others based on what they see modelled in the home they were raised in.

C.,

I do sense a lot of anger. Get some help for yourself even if it is without him. If you cannot afford therapy try your minister, pastor, priest.