Should I Even Consider Divorce?

I feel for you, but if things don't change after more but serious counseling you really need to consider leaving.

I am very sorry to hear about your situation. I'm sure your husband is a good man (otherwise why would you have married him), but given the way he treats you and your son it just doesn't sound like the environment you want to raise a child in. Your husband is very self-centered and he obviously doesn't care enough about you or your son to inconvenience himself. A marriage is a partnership of two people working together, making compromises and striving to make each other happy, to create a life of harmony. You deserve better!

I'm a single mom of an 8 year old. I moved away from everything I knew to raise my son and it was the BEST thing I could have done. As difficult as it may seem, you have options. Talk to your church (if you have one), government programs for single parents, local shelters or food banks for other resources. Look for any service organizations that could help you while you get yourself on your feet. Do you have any family anywhere? Can you move nearby them????

Children are so much smarter than we give them credit. They see, feel and absorb everything around them. Don't let your marital situation affect your son.

I wish you the best and will pray for you!

I am not saying you SHOULD get a divorce, but those who have written that you MUST not get a divorce for the sake of your child and the 45 other reasons, many of which are completely hypothetical,are being ridiculous. Yes, your happpiness DOES matter because it translates directly into your child's happiness. You should not have to be "sweet no matter what." Your husband's behavior borders on abusive or at least neglectful. That is not a positive environment for your son. Don't be a martyr. No, divorce is not ideal, but sometimes we have to make those tough choices. Again I'm not saying you should get a divorce, I'm just saying it should not be ruled out as an option if you feel you have really tried to do what is reasonably your part without expecting you to completely sacrifice your mental and physical well-being.

I don't even know where to start. I guess I can begin with: I am sorry that you are in this situation and more sorry for your little boy. No one has a perfect marriage and believe me I have had my up's and down's, but this seems far different. If it were me? I'd leave,but I am not in your situation and I am sure there is a lot more to think about than just leaving. Do you have job security? I am sure finances come to mind, but that isn't a reason to stay in a relationship. If you were to leave I am sure it would be the scariest and hardest time for you, but better in the end. My mom always told me that I can do anything for a short time. You would probably struggle with the change at first, but you can do anything short term. I could go on, but I don't know your situation well enough. If this was from my close friends or sisters I'd help them pack. Ask yourself if this is what you dreamt of as a little girl, would you let your friends or family be treated this way or would you help them take a stand, ask yourself how much you love yourself, and is this fair to your child? Those are the hard questions, but if you can answer them honestly I think you'll find what is best for you. Good luck and I will keep you in my thoughts!

I am sorry to hear the situation that you are in. I am an advocate for trying to work things out; however, if you are doing everything that you can in your marriage and not getting anything in return, that is a question you have to ask yourself. A marriage should be a 50/50 partnership and not a one sided return. With children especially you should be a team. You said that the counselor asked him if he loved you in your sessions; however, was he asked if he loves you because of your son. I think your sessions need to focus on your relationship with you, your husband and your son. If you are not happy, your son won't benefit from you being in an unhappy relationship. Do you think maybe you should see the counselor on your own to talk about how you are feeling and then have your husband talk to the counselor as well alone. Maybe that will help in finding out how you two are feeling as you will be separated. Sometimes we try not to say something that may hurt the others feeling no matter what cost. Good Luck to you, keep up the counseling to try and get to the bottom of how he is feeling and hopefully you will find the answer you are looking for.

For some reason your question stuck with me and has been on my mind. My opinion would be to divorce the self-centered jerk and find someone who will love you and your son. Your husband doesn't care for you or your son and he doesn't need to see that his father doesn't care. I don't care if your husband is 50 or 20, he's a father and a husband and he needs to act like one. He never should've married you if he didn't want the relationship. You are wasting your time with him. Divorce him, and go on with your life. You have your beautiful boy, that's all you need for now. I'm sure you got the same answer from others as well. Your husband just isn't into you, your son, or the relationship. Your son should see a healthy relationship not one that is disrespectful and uncaring. You don't want him learning from your husband's ways. I'm sorry to say all that, I know you are probably looking for stronger answers on how to stay, but you can't. I was in a bad relationship and learned the hard and long way that its not worth it. For yours and your sons health and happiness and future, GET OUT. Get a job, put your son in daycare, get child support, and go live your life.

Hi R.L.: Divorce is a very difficult decision and one you should think long and carefully about. My first marriage was very one sided. I did all the work and he did what he wanted. After 7 long miserable years of marriage we split. By then he wasn't coming home on the weekends and spending our household money on his girlfriend. I spent 5 years as a single mom and never once regretted my decision. I am a great believer in looking at positive vs. negative. Attached a website that gives you a Marriage Assessment Checklist. Take the assessment and decide if your marriage has more positives than negatives. If you decide to divorce, make sure you have a good support group. You can make arrangements to live near your family. If you and your husband are not happy then your son will not be happy!! Good luck! M.

If you have any way of taking care of your son while you work full time then I'd advise you to start laying a foundation to leave. This man seems to have no interest in you or your son. You deserve more than that out of life and your son sure deserves a better example of marriage to grow up with. Better to get out now while he's small and can easily adapt than when he's older. The trap you fall into if you stay is that your son could grow up thinking the your husband is a jerk and your just too stupid to do anything about your life. He is also learning role models..how a "man" should act and how a "wife" should act. Is that what you want to pass onto him and into his own marriage?

I've been there, done that. I, too, was emotionally abandoned with a small child. I pulled myself out one day and never went back. Less than a year later I found a man who LOVED me and LOVED my daughter and raised her as his own...23 years later we are still married with another child.

However I had something you may not have...family support. I had someone to turn to for help. Someone who would help watch my daughter so I could work and go to school. If you, too, have this support then get out while you can.

If not then start planning for when your son is in school full time. If you can, set money back, and start to learn more skills either online or through books, that will help you when you do hit the workplace.

I wish you all the luck. It's a scary move to just uproot your life and move on but in the end it's better than staying in that situation.

C.

From your description of wedding planning, it sounds like you were disappointed in how your then future husband handles things, but you chose to marry him anyway. His pattern of apathy and lack of interest was there before and continues, but you still brought a child into the picture. The arguing will damage his sense of well-being and trust. You are in marriage counseling which takes a lot of courage. People only change when they choose to do so, and it sounds as though continuing the marriage counseling, (and perhaps individual for you if you can arrange it), might help you get to a place where you can either practice accepting how he is, (right or wrong), so you can keep the peace for your child, or come up with a plan to leave. The hard part here is that you saw his lack of interest before you married, and volunteered for this anyway. That might be something you could focus on in individual therapy. Sorry if that's harsh, but, it's important for you to see how this started so that you don't just blame him, and therefore take on the victim role. Once you get more in touch with what originally attracted you to this type of man, you will be empowered to make healthier choices to change your life. There is a way through this!

Never stay in a what seems like a loveless marriage because of the kids. I got divorced from my first husband when my boys were 4 and 7 years old and everyone was happier. Even when you first leave you think you won't be, but I will tell you what a person told me before we split. It will feel like a weight is being lifted off of you and you know what? It was that very same evening when we parted ways. It was a great feeling.

In your situation it seems like you are already doing everything yourself as if you were single, so what difference will it make if you live there or in your own place or even find a roommate. You have all the responsibility of your son except the financial responsibility. You will need to get a job, but in the long run you and your son will be happier. And he will have to pay child support for the next 18 years so.......my answer to your original question is YES!

R.

I am so glad you got all that out. Venting is great! I have to say, that since counseling doesn't seem to be going anywhere, AND if you try another MFT and that doesn't help either, then it seems as though you are there for the comfort of your husband to have a wife. I figure, he doesn't have his ex any more, and he probably still loves her, can't have her, so he replaced her. I apologize if I am too bold, but it's the only way I know how to communicate to someone without leading them on to any wrong conclusions of what I want to say. Going further, there are MANY single moms out there who do just fine without a husband, and many children out there who are resilient enough to deal with living only with one parent, and visiting the other. It's tough, but it's a whole lot better then witnessing the two people you love the most in conflict with each other constantly. I am a single mom of two, and if I was married with the father, it would be bloody (figure of speech). My son is doing well, and yes, we do have issues, but most of them are from traumatic events that had nothing to do with me being married to his father or not. My daughter is doing well too, and she just turned two. If you feel like you can't provide for your child, I am here to say "All you need is love" and everything else will come to you when you need it the most. As long as you are good person, and you give when you can, then you will get what you need when you need it. I can give you so many examples from my personal life that it would take like 10 pages! But I will just leave it at this: If counseling doesn't work out, if he has no desire to take care of you when you are sick, no desire to love and adore his child, and he is using you as another body in his home, then you can do better without him. You have been in misery for two years. You have your doubts if he even loves you or did ever love you, and I think that is enough. You must love yourself enough to let go and allow things to take place. Trust you.

What did You do before You met Your Husband? Better NOW than Later, it sounds like it's inevitable, so Now is early enough for Your Son to FORGET his Father, which it Sounds like would be best! Are You sure there is NOTHING Physically WRONG with Your Husband?? I'm assumming You are, Believe Me, at His AGE, He WILL NOT Change if it's just Laziness AND, I can Promise You, From Experience, That Your SON will Learn that is the way for Men to ACT, and will most likely, No Matter How Hard You TRY, Turn out JUST LIKE Your Husband!
Bonnie

Hello,

I beleive it sounds like we are in the same area. It sounds like you don't know many people in the area to get together with. If you want to connect that would be great! If not let me know--and I would be more then happy to give some advice on this topic ( through Mamasource), and your situation. I'm so sorry to hear about it, as it's not an easy one--no matter which way you look at it! I'm in Folsom Ca, ###-###-####. Love, and best Wishes--A. Toft

Hi RL,

It sounds to me like your husband is very selfish and self-serving, in marrage this type of behavior is just not worth it. I have been married only once to my now husband of 18 years and I can say that to stay for the children is not in the best intrest of the child. My kids are ages 5 to 17 and all 6 tell me I should not have stayed when Dad was like that. I raised all of mine alone untill they could "go potty" ect. my husband was never in the delivery room so you have me beat on that one. I know how it is to be sick and have to take yourself to the doctor with kids in tow while Dad "gets his rest"
I would start with working part time and if you have friends you can stay with do it untill you can stand on your own in that way as well as all the others.
Good Luck to you and I hope everything works out.

C.

Here is the best advice anyone can offer you. You already know the answer to your question. If you think you don't than sit quietly and ask yourself if you want to be in your marriage - the answer your inner voice tells you is the correct answer.
ON the flip of this there are a billion women living in your situation in a variance of degrees. My advice to you is if you are going to stay and the money is there; hire outside assistance. Take the money you are spending on 'counseling' and bring in care for 1 day a week and hire a housekeeper and use online grocery shopping so you are freed up and can run errands, catch up with yourself, etc. and leave you enough energy to enjoy life, your children and your husband. IF he doesn't like it tell him than he can do it. Otherwise you have just as much right as he does to 'take a break' whether it be with the tv or a book the park and a walk. Don't become whiny, this is the worst thing you can do for your children; what you are displaying to them is that it is OK as it exists today and that is never a good example. Either find positive solutions, work around the man, (most of them are like this) and above all, be happy with your decision. I highly recommend 2 books, You Can Heal Your Life, Louise L. Hay and The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz. Please don't make your life about your husband, he is simply just a man and can not take you on or anything else apparently and until he is ready to 'participate' in life, don't use him as the excuse. You sound like a very loving Mom, don't let this consume you. You are not alone. Get busy and rely on you and not him.....he may even start to feel like he is on the outside looking into a fun life and want to join you. Peace and Blessings!! With Love, Another Mom

Wow. It sounds like you need a plan to move on with your life. You definitely should find a mom's group or other social outlet for yourself - church, playgroup, something. That way, you can establish relationships to have a way to vent your frustrations, and hopefully develop some friendships. As for family, is it possible to just move to be near someone who could help you get on your feet? It sounds like you need to get your own source of income so that you're not beholden to your husband for money. That requires a plan too - I don't know anything about your education level, but it may involve going back to school. Could you talk to your counselor alone at some point to discuss some of this? Also, has anyone considered whether your husband is possibly depressed? I'm not a counselor, but all the signs seem to be there.
These are all just some ideas, but it dodes sound like you're smart to recognize that you need to chance something about your circumstances - it's not healthy for you or your son. Good luck! Write again if you want!

That is such an unbelievably hard situation. My heart aches for you. I hope you have God in your life and are able to pray, because you need it. As difficult as this is, I think you can get through it. If you commit yourself not only to staying, but to forgiving him, and doing everything you can to sweeten the relationship, regardless of how he's acting, you will see miracles happen. I've been where you are. I did get a divorce and it only made life harder for both me and my children. Things will change if you hold on. You will change. Amazing growth will happen. I've created this list to save other Moms from some of the pain I've been through. Take good care of yourself and God bless you.
45 Reasons NOT to Get a Divorce if You Have Children
1. Family traditions may become watered down and infrequent if they don’t disappear completely.
2. You will always divorce yourself partially from your child.
3. New stepparents, even those with the best intentions, will bring strangeness and insecurity into the lives of your children.
4. Loneliness
5. The new stepparent can’t help but feel threatened by you and your ex’s history together and the connection you still have, of necessity, through your children.
6. When you get a divorce you relinquish your authority over a huge part of your child’s life- “Guess what I did at Dad’s house?”
7. You may bring new grandparents into your children’s lives who fail to treat them equally to their natural grandchildren.
8. The likelihood exists that your former spouse will find a new partner who mistreats your children, and it will be out of your hands.
9. Once you remarry and have more children, you can never go back.
10. You will be forced to continue communication with your former spouse throughout your child’s life, but everything that made the relationship sweet will be stripped away, leaving only the bitter.
11. Your new spouse is likely to become irritated, resentful, and even jealous of your child at times.
12. You risk becoming a stepparent yourself, a role fraught with difficulty.
13. Old home videos and photographs will become a source of pain instead of joy.
14. Your child will always feel to keep part of himself closed off from you, if he has any sort of relationship with his other parent.
15. Consistency of rules and discipline, so very important for children, becomes nearly impossible.
16. Your powerlessness may cause you to feel less responsibility for your child’s well-being.
17. If your child is difficult to manage, you may find yourself waiting for the other parent to relieve you, instead of working towards true solutions.
18. Your child may end up spending large amounts of time with people you’ve never met.
19. As a single parent, you may find that managing a household yourself leaves you very little time for attending to your children.
20. How painful to know that your child is welcoming a sibling into the world, but it’s impossible for you to share in her joy.
21. The differences between you and your spouse that were held in balance by your marriage will become polarized by your separation, so that your child will feel she is shifting worlds with every transfer.
22. Your children may find themselves with no place they truly feel is home.
23. If you remarry, as most do, arguments about family traditions are intensified. First marriages defend the practices of their parents as they grew up, but second marriages must defend what the children are already used to.
24. You may find it difficult to love your new spouse as he deserves to be loved, when your children want you to be with their Dad.
25. Your new spouse may not be able to help feeling like you’ve given the best of yourself to your former love, a person who is still calling the house all the time to talk about the children!
26. Your child may feel very sad when he visits a friend’s house with a strong intact family.
27. All of your boy’s socks may end up in a pile at the other parent’s house, and his baseball cleats and glove may be at your house while his jersey and pants are at his Dad’s.
28. You’ll find yourself competing with your former spouse over whose home can be most fun and appealing. Your children may learn to use this to their immediate advantage and ultimate disadvantage.
29. Keeping track of school projects and materials can be a nightmare.
30. Strained relations with your ex are difficult, but friendly, warm conditions can threaten your new relationship. You can’t win.
31. If your first husband was annoyed by kids coming in the bedroom when he wanted “alone time”, your new husband will be that much more annoyed because the children aren’t technically his.
32. You could very well find yourself in the unenviable position of having your former spouse cataloguing all of your faults and digging up every bit of dirt he can in order to take you to court and get more custody.
33. Some children get “grossed out” when their parents kiss, but if they see you kiss a new man, their feelings may be angry and confused.
34. Parenting without the support of another adult can be nothing short of overwhelming.
35. Your children may get the feeling that they have no one they need to “answer to” in terms of their behavior.
36. Will your ex really see to it that your daughter practices violin?
37. With no adult there with whom to share your concerns, you may overburden your children with your emotional difficulties.
38. Separate birthday parties may be painful and dry for your child-joint parties tense and awkward for you- take your pick.
39. You may become excited by the prospect of meeting someone new, but once the first blush has passed, you’ll probably find yourself with many problems similar to those you had before, because you left some problems behind without discovering the root causes in yourself. And children will further complicate matters.
40. Your new wife may not enjoy seeing your ex-wife at every little league game.
41. Your new husband may become incensed when you talk on the phone to your ex and he makes you laugh.
42. You’ll always need to focus on your spouse’s negative qualities in order to feel justified in your decision-not a pleasant state of mind to be in.
43. You won’t know what your child is doing when she’s not staying at your house. Your ex may allow your child to be with friends you don’t approve of
44. Your children’s sense of alienation may incline them towards friends for acceptance who may or may not be good for them.
45. The effort of healing a relationship brings tremendous personal growth. People in “hopeless” relationships can discover each other anew, and things always change.

R.L.
It sounds like you have a tough decision. It is easy for any of us to be on the outside and say "leave him" but that is not always the best thing. As I was reading your letter my immediate reaction was, "leave the bastard". You deserve to have every happiness in the world and if he isn't part of that, then HE will miss out, not you. I would be careful if you do decide to leave him because it sounds like he is not a rational person and might fight you, just to spite you. My recommendation is to document everything and start putting things in place for you to leave, of that is what you decide. What about part time work? That will give you some independence and time for you. I know you adore you son, we all feel that way towards our children. I work more than full time and have a 13 month old a 17yr old and a 20yr old. The older two I raised on my own without ANY help or support from dad. Looking back it was the best thing for them since he was/is such a messed up person. Would have been a bad influence on them and they didn't see us fight. I know deep down, all kids want their parents to stay together even if that means they fight. But the effect that seeing you two fighting will have on him will be worse than not having both parents in the home. Keep working on the counseling and ask him directly if he even wants to be in the marriage or part of his son's life anymore. Doesn't sound like he is an active parent anyway. But if you could get a part-time job that will take away some of the control he thinks he has over you. Even if it means you work a few days a week and have a girlfriend watch your son. You can contact the United Way for affordable, good childcare near you so he can't complain about that. Or you can contact Child Action for referrals. Good luck to you, I hope everything works out for your and your son. Keep us posted!
K. in Carmichael

I mean no disrespect but it sounds like you knew he was a jerk and yet you married and had a son with him. You owe it to your son to provide a two parent home and must do whatever is necessary to make it happen. The way I see it is you have 16 more years (when your son turns 18) to file for divorce. It's not fair to your son to end up living in two different households and possibly having to deal with future "steparents" because you are not happy. Think about what is best for your child, not what is best for you.

I would consider divorce. What good is he to you anyway? If he were older, I would think you had ended up with my ex-husband! I would make a plan... maybe to go where your family and friends are and get a job. I would definitely not stay in that situation. He acts like he just doesn't care or want to be a part of your lives.

I am sad to read your note. It does not sound like you have lots of options if your husband is the sole provider. Perhaps you might consider getting a job and putting your son in daycare. This would empower you and you might find a support system out there.
A little about me: I am 55 and have no children. I have 2 dogs and cat, all of whom I adore very much.
P

I think you answered your own question by stating that you feel stuck. That's not the way you should look at your marriage and while your son is young now you don't want to expose him too much or too long to growing up with parents who don't love or respect one another. It's no ones fault, it just sounds like you married a very selfish man who just wants to be taken care of and feels all he has to do is earn the money... trust me men like this don't change. It sounded like you are away from your family...is it possible to go visit them for a few weeks with your son. This will give you time to evaluate your life, your situation and let you decide if you're ready to move forward with your life. It sounds to me like you have already made up your mind and the only thing stopping you is money... that's easy ... it's called a good lawyer.

If you are not happy with your current setting for your life then you are the only one who can make the decision to move on and make a change. No one else is living in your shoes nor can anyone tell you what to do.
See if you can go stay with family where ever they are. Then see with the distance and time away if things change, if not, then start making some changes.

you definitely need to find friends and support group. share your feelings with others and u ll find the right thing to do. what your husband does to you makes me feel like crying. no woman deserves this! my husband did all the opposites, helped me 100 percent during my labor, tried to help when i got the viral infection, helped with breastfeeding, and u name it. i want you to experience this so please continue trying to find what u can do about this and be happier.

HUG

Divorce is always the final answer. First you should tell your husband everything you told the public. Don't stay because of your son, stay because of yourself and your relationship with your husband. Only you can realize if it's worth staying or not.

You might think of going back into working for a paid job. Your current job of a mother is rewarding, but does not allow for your own security. You might think of a home business that will allow for taking care of your child at the same time, or find another mom that would trade babysitting with you.

Good luck on whatever you decide.

I think it is something to consider since you are not happy with your current situation and it sounds like things will not be getting better. Even though he says he loves you and you want to stay together because of your kid, you are putting your life on hold and you should be enjoying time with your kid and you deserve so much more.

Hi there RL,
Gosh this is a really tough situation. I personally would not recommend divorce at this time. Although it sounds as if he is a lazy lout that isn't a reason to divorce him. If I were you I would continue with the counseling and keep plugging along. No one said marriage was easy there are definitely a lot of hardships. Is it possible that your husband has felt neglected since you became pregnant? Are you making him the focus of your life instead of your son? I hope this doesn't come across as critical because that is far from my intention. My husband went through the same thing and once we got to the root of the problem we realized he was resentful because I was spending so much time with the baby and was not giving him the same attention I had been prior. I also know that it isn't possible to make everything the same because babies require huge changes. I hope things work out for you but I just say keep doing the best you can. I will keep you in my thoughts. Good Luck!