Should I Allow My Step-son to Call Me Mama like My Bio-kids Do?

What a lousy situation. I like the idea of sitting him down and explaining his mother gets upset when he calls you Mama so let's come up with a special name that's just for him to call you. You never know what you'll get out of it as they can be really creative. One of my kids has taken to calling me something totally ridiculous (En-Woo, which is a sound that the little critters say at the end of Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs). He uses it verbally, in texts, and has programmed me in his phone that way. It makes us both laugh and with his age and personality, we need all the laughter we can get. Have fun with it and throw lots of ideas out until one sticks.

FWIW we had name issues with my step-daughter when she was small and lived with her bio mom. Her mom got remarried and had more children when SD was still a baby and starting at around age 3 she began to call her step-father "Daddy" and started calling her dad by his first name. Over several years we used constant, gentle reminders that her dad's name was "Daddy" and the other guy was "first name" or "daddy first name." By the time she was 6 or 7, her dad reached the end his his rope and stopped responding when she called him by his first name and she changed over to "Dad" from that point on. So the name inflexibility might just be a function of his young age, but with some consistent coaching you should be able to get him to break the habit and use something else.

It's a shame that this is even an issue but his mother sounds petty and irrational. At this point, it's not in his best interest to continue to have him use a title that sets her off and puts him on the receiving end of her bad reaction. Have fun working with him to find something cute and special that's just for you and him!

Welcome to mamapedia...

Your family needs counseling. Co_parenting classes and help.

sorry - I have no advice other than that. This sounds insane that a mother would drag her son away like that. Sounds crazy

Remember, your step son heard what you were using that whole first year before you had your child. So if you were using you name and he still chose Mama when he was 2-3 years old, then .. that's what he wants to call you.

This is a much bigger issue than a name and it's between your husband and his ex. I'd be more concerned that the mother is swearing in front of her child.

As caring as you might be, it's not on you to worry about the repercussions. If you're worrying this much, your husband isn't worrying enough. No offense. He needs to take action.

Best to you.

I think it's out of your hands. You say you did what you could, and I agree that constantly correcting a young child who hears others calling you by the name “Mama” is negative.

From what you say, the problem is that she is so insecure that she is making a public scene about it, dragging the child away physically, swearing in public. While I understand that the name “Mama” or “Mommy” is sacred to some, I don’t think it’s sacred to the child – the child just thinks that’s someone’s name and has no idea that it bothers the adults. So asking a child to take care of an adult is just wrong – and that’s what this mother is doing.

My stepkids went through a period of calling me “S’mom” (short for “stepmom”) and they put it on cards and even a sweatshirt for me. Their mother went ballistic and made their lives miserable, so they stopped. But they were older than your stepson, and I didn’t have my child until later, so it wasn’t the same timing as you are facing.

I'm curious about the court order - is that common to put in a "no confrontation" clause, or was this in response to a prior problem? Were there instances in which you said things you shouldn't have as well? Or was there something between your husband and his ex prior to you coming into the picture?

Why is it that you were all in an emergency room together? Did your stepson have an emergency? If so, you might have stepped away from that situation and given the mother and the father that space. When my stepdaughter was in the hospital for a week, I tried not to be there when her mother was there. Even if her mother went to work and I went when no one was there, her mother went nuts about it, even when someone needed to do some therapy with the child. The mom didn’t care and just berated the elderly grandmother for not managing this on her own without me. So sometimes you just can’t win.

Otherwise, I think it’s up to your husband to work with her, and not have you correct her – even if you are right, it’s not going to go well. I think getting a professional involved is the best thing. Maybe she’ll go to counseling, maybe she won’t, but you and your husband have to find a much better way to manage these situations with you keeping your distance and minimizing contact. Remember that your stepson probably refers to you as Mama at his mother’s house, so it’s not just when you’re together that she’s getting angry.

I think it is sad that she is putting a child in this situation. While it would definitely hurt to hear my kids call another woman Mama or Mommy, it would hurt much worse to see someone NOT want to love and treat them as their own.
While I understand this may be hard for her, she needs to get over herself. You have been in his life a long time, and obviously he wants to call you mama, and feels that bond. It would be a totally different story if you were the one coaching him to call you that, but you are not.
Have you tried talking to her one on one? I would say, "I am sorry if it hurts you that he calls me mama. I have never asked him to and I am not trying to take your place. But he is young and hears the other kids call me this and I don't want to make him feel as if he is not as important to me as they are. I also don't want to make him feel like he is doing something wrong. You are Mommy and always be."........Or something to that affect :)
In split parent situations, It's up to the adults to be just that, adults. It sounds as if she is very immature and maybe bitter. It's sad to hear that you are afraid he may suffer repercussions with her for calling you this. He's just a little boy!
Best of luck to you and the little guy.

i'm glad you stopped 'correcting' him hundreds of times per day. poor little fellow, of course he calls you mama.

he already differentiates between you and his bio mom.

it's very, very unfortunate that his bio mom is behaving so badly. rather than make the little boy adjust i think i'd focus on her. obviously it's best when everyone gets along, but if she's laying rough hands on him and swearing she's abusing him, and i'd video it and take it to the judge.

probably the whole family needs some sort of co-counseling.

at four he's just too young to have an elaborate set of rules about names.
khairete
S.

You husband's ex sounds like a "prize" (NOT).

Your step-son is now 5 years old. You can have a conversation with him. Tell him that his biological mom's feelings get hurt when she hears him call you "mama". Tell him we need to come up with a name for that JUST HE uses for you. Make it special. Not like "Ms. Anne" that's generic. But something that works for both of you.

I agree with the counseling recommendation. Bio mom’s feelings might be legitimate, but it is unfortunate how she is choosing to convey them. Can you and stepson come up with a special name that isn’t Mom or Mama? If this upsets his bio mom to this degree, which isn’t good for this poor kid, I would come up with another term of endearment he can call you. I would be sure to let his mom know that you can appreciate that it upsets her and that you are going to do everything you can to rectify the situation. I’m in a blended family myself and I try and keep the situation as conflict free as possible for my daughter.

I just cringe at the thought of my child calling anyone but me Mom, Mama, Mommy or any derivative. It is such a sacred word, in my opinion, and I can only imagine the emotions it must raise in his bio-mother every time she hears him say it to a woman who is not his mother.

I'm struggling to understand how exactly it came to be that this wasn't corrected early on. Your statement that you corrected him hundreds of times daily really does not ring true with me. You mention that he is speech delayed . . . not developmentally delayed so I guess I don't understand how you quite got to where you are today even after what must have been thousands (hundreds of corrections over a period of time before you gave up) of times correcting him.

I really think there is more to the story here - you mention the "court order" and "no confrontation" stipulation. It takes two to tango so I'm not going to automatically throw bio-mom under the bus on this. My guess is that all parties have some skin in the game here.

I believe that your step-son is old enough to sit down and figure out a name that works for everyone and doesn't sting like a papercut every time his mother hears it. Unless you have had your child call another woman Mama, you don't get to decide what you would or wouldn't do. Sounds very altruistic to say "well I would always put them first and let them do whatever they are comfortable with." Until it happens to you.

Good luck.

His mother is being petty and immature, unfortunately there is little you can do about that. If the child is in therapy his therapist might be able to explain to the mother why it is important to let him use the titles HE is comfortable with, but if not I am not sure how you should handle this.

He's older now. He's not learning to talk anymore.
He's 5.
You can sit down with him and tell him how much you love him, how important he is, how wonderful...blah blah blah. Then end it with, "I would love it if we could come up with something special for you to call me. Auntie? A special variation of your name? Something special for you and me. You have a mommy and sometimes it hurts her feelings a little. So, lets think of something for just us!"
There is a court order?? Makes me think that you letting her son call you mama is not the only issue. ESPECIALLY if the order states that you should have no confrontation in front of the kids.
My heart would BREAK if my daughter was calling someone else mom.

I feel so sorry for this poor guy; it sounds like his mom is a real "winner". I know this is not the same situation. But, my son once called his babysitter mama in front of me. Honestly, I was so happy that he felt he could call her that; it made me feel like he was a true part of her family. The more people who love him, the better! With that said, it doesn't sound like his mom is quite so forgiving or open minded. I would sit down with him, and see if he could come up with a special name for you that only he can use. Make it something special that not even your bio son can use. But, I would avoid any negative talk about his mother, and maybe just avoid her negative feelings about it at all. If you present it in a positive way to him, he may be more apt to have positive feelings about using your new name.

That is so sad. The problem is your husband's ex and the fact that she comes unhinged. She sounds like a real piece of work. What a pain to deal with her. My mom was like this...she was the one that wanted the divorce but she was very jealous and bitter and unaccepting of my dad and stepmom and believed they were trying to take credit for us kids or trying to influence us or whatever. She was very insecure especially if it was a time in her life when she did not have a boyfriend. Can you all do family therapy together to try to resolve this issue? Or if she cannot be in the same room as you what if he does "family therapy" with her and their son...explaining to the therapist the issue. It's a therapist who will work with all parties involved the child and the adults (separately and together). Let them work it out. If they decide he should call you by your first name then so be it. It does not diminish his love for you or yours for him. It's probably hard for him though. How old is your stepson now? I grew up calling my stepmom by her first name, but she and my dad got married when I was 8. It's confusing for very young kids, as you know!