She Is Not Suppose to Get a Gift Everytime Someone Else Does

How about you explain to her the others are being done as late Xmas and birthday and if she wants her room done for HER birthday she has a long time to plan it (and since the room will be her gift - if that's what she really wants) then she'll have no party with friends. Explain it to Dad at the same time. She has the luxury of choice and time to plan. (On top of that, since she has the time, if she wants something for the room that is over budget, she can do odd jobs to earn the money for it.) She doesn't get both.
And her Dad should make a point of spending some quality time with her (father/daughter dinner out, walk on the beach, ride bikes / go skating together, etc) and not just give her stuff to make up for not being there.

Keep stressing that you did re do her room. Your husband feels guilty because his daughter has had an unstable life with a difficult mother and he has created a relationship with her built on giving her stuff. Very sad for her. She would be better served to have a genuine relationship with her father . He should speak to a counselor about his relationship with her because it will not stop when she turns 18 or 21, she will continue trying to get him to support her and, out of guilt, he will. Forever.

I was just discussing something like this with my husband. Children need to learn that when it is their turn to be celebrated, they will be celebrated. But, when it is someone else's turn (birthdays, graduation, etc), you need to be happy for that person, but it is not your special day. Getting kids gifts when others get them is just like giving out the participant trophy (how now every kid gets a trophy just for playing, not really earning it). It is a life lesson for your stepdaughter to not get a gift when the twins do.

Seems logical to me.

Talk with your husband and let him know what you just told us. I do not think you are missing something but I think he is. I'm also assuming for your step-daughter's b-day, your kids didn't get anything, remind your husband that. Maybe his daughter is a little spoiled and if she starts at a young age thinking she's entitled she'll always be like that. Sounds like she's always been daddy's little girl, not to make excuses, just let daddy know that he doesn't want to raise a girl like that.
I think you are a great mom to all!!!

I COMPLETELY agree that you don't get a gift if it's not your day! This drives me crazy! I was just at a b-day 2 days ago and 2 kids also got gifts (the bday girl's brother and cousin) for no reason! They BOTH, needless to say, acted like spoiled brats the whole time. The other girl tried to take the b-day girls presents the whole time too! Kids need to learn not to be sooooo selfish and that it's ok for someone else to be in the spotlight and get gifts! I would stand your ground on this one! Good luck!

Ever notice a lot of men have issues with calendars?

Remind him that these are a bday present and an xmas present. You'd be THRILLED to do her room as a bday or xmas present IF that's what she asks for. She asked for x and got x (which was more expensive). The other two both asked for y and are getting y. You don't even need to bring up needed v not needed... they're presents. If SD wants her room redone for her birthday or xmas, of course you would... unless he wants to start getting all 3 kids presents on other people's bdays that are the same $ as the birthday child?

Just because they didn't get their presents on the Day Of doesn't mean that they are more important or less important.

I feel that you shouldn't have to redo her room. I discourage people from doing things for my daughter on other people's birthdays or other special occasions. she may be two, but she needs to understand that she doesn't always get presents when someone else does.

As for your husband's reaction, it does sound like overcompensation. That happens in my family a lot too. My fiance does that with his sons, to the point of almost ignoring my daughter sometimes. I think its because he feels guilty because of how he was in the past. i don't know.

I would have a serious discussion with him and explain your feelings. at some point you will have to work this out. Good luck.

I'm going to play Devils advocate. You say she's only there 2/3 days a month. Do you make her feel like it's her home as well or a Guest? I understand you planed on doing this as a christmas and birthday gifts for your children. But maybe your husband feels as if your excluding his child alittle. No I'm not saying redo her whole room, but maybe a new throwpillow, picture or something special. Also remind her you just redid her room 6 months ago. And then say let's plan on redoing your room in a year or two. As far as getting a gift everytime it's someone elses special day NO. She has to learn it's not all about her ( unless she's two or under) but as far as being made part of the family try and include her in any plans that your children are also a part of.

She doesn't need to have her room re-done. I would have a family picture, including her, framed to match her room. Hopefully she will see that she is a part of your family.

I bet your husband is simply looking at this through his "Daddy glasses:. Bottom line is he sees that you are re-doing YOUR kids rooms and not HIS daughter's room.

I think maybe try to explain what you did to us here, but in a much more concise version. Many men seem to get lost it too many words.

You said you already explained it, however if it comes up again say, "I understand how you might think that I'm forgetting "Jen" because I'm not painting/re-doing her room. However it has nothing to do with Jen. This is our "present" to "John" from Christmas and our "present" to "Susie" for her birthday. If "Jen" would like to have her room repainted or get a TV...in her room, I'm happy to give that to her for NEXT year's birthday present when the time comes."

And since you pointed out how much was spent on your step daughter's birthday party, hairdo, outfit, etc. perhaps you should bring that up to your husband too. Kids will naturally expect to get somthing bigger and better next year unless you reign them in.

Remind him that you spent a TON on your stepdaughter this year and that can't be the norm. Agree on how much you're willing to spend on the kids party and gifts and stick to it. Then you can get out of this fight in the future.