Sharing vs Stealing

This is exactly why I am against kids bringing personal items to school.

Why is there no punishment for her not listening? She's 7, old enough to know better. After all, she IS sneaking items into the school & disobeying you. Were you doing anything to enforce the rules? Were there any consequences for blatantly breaking them?

Personally, I think I'd let it be, so she could learn her lesson. Maybe this is what it had to come to for her to see why shouldn't be bringing personal things to school. If you bend over backwards to get the item back, you're still telling her it's okay to bring her things to school against your wishes. She made a mistake, now she has to learn from it.

If you choose to try to get the item back, you need to have an actual conversation with the mom. I mean, really, you are taking two 7 year old's at their word? C'mon now. Kids misunderstand & make things up all the time. Maybe your daughter did give it away, maybe the other mom doesn't even know her daughter has the toy. You don't know the truth until you talk to the other mom, period. To believe hearsay from 2 kids is ridiculous.

I am not saying the other mom is right at all. She may be strict according to what you've "heard", but it sounds like her kid also listens to her & respects her wishes.

I think I'm confused. In your "so what happened" the first statement you made was "of course it's a public school thing" etc., then further down you said that you were just identifying it as the place where it occurred, and that wasn't the issue. Which is it?
Your daughter is learning an important lesson about not following your instructions. I think it's goodbye, bug house. And I don't think she'll be emotionally scarred by it. Don't you want this to be a teaching point to remember? YOU said "don't take it to school." She didn't listen. THEN you said "IF you take it to school, don't let anyone take it." She didn't listen. If you rush to get this item back, I think what she will take away from is "Even if I don't listen, I will still get my toys back." Save the more important "My Mommy is behind me 100%" lesson for a different circumstance.

I think you only know what your child is telling you, and she only knows what the other child is telling her, which your daughter may not be relaying completely accurately.

You have no idea if the other mother even knows of this object's existence. The other girl could easily be hiding it, just as your daughter hid it from you. Even if the other mother knows about it, her daughter could have said she found it or that it was a gift or a trade with your daughter for something else. You do not know if the girl gave her mother the phone number.

You don't know anything - sorry. This is the first of many lessons of school, when kids come home with their own versions of things. Sometimes the child is deceptive, and sometimes the child just has a skewed story which can be intentional or unintentional (remember that old game of "Playing Telephone"??).

Teachers and administrators have a lot more to keep track of and handle than children's possessions. It's up to the parents to supervise the backpacks.

Your daughter has no right to expect you to handle this. She created it by disobeying you, and now she has to live with it. Watching you appeal to the school system, figure out phone numbers, and discuss stealing isn't helping her to deal with her own mistakes.

Your child should work on restoring her faith in her mother's original rules, and not on her perhaps misplaced faith in her friend.

Unless it's for structured scheduled show and tell, 7 yr old children should not be bringing their things to school. School is not the place for this. School allows every child a chance to show their likes and interests without having to show off their 'stuff'. Public or private is not relevant.

To me this is not a question of sharing or stealing, it's a question of weak parental guidance on the part of both children

:)

I know that this may not be the answer you were hoping for, but I understand from your post that you told her NOT to take the item to school and your daughter went behind your back and disobeyed you. This would be a great example of the consequence of disobedience. She should never have taken the item to school without your permission and should have obeyed your directive to keep her things to herself.

You can absolutely get the item back if you wish, but more than focusing on the other child "stealing" I would address the disobedience issue in your daughter first.
Just my opinion.

Edit* After reading your "so what happened", I disagree that it's a public school thing. I homeschool my 7 year old, but I know several of my son's peers that attend public school and are able to still maintain obedience to their parents or expect a consequence. Shifting blame on the school or the other child isn't going to help your situation. And, labeling another child as a thief is unjust, especially since the situation was a direct result of your daughter disobeying you.

1. You are the parent and you set a "rule" of not bringing things to school (which is probably a school rule too).
2. Your daughter broke the "rule" and is now dealing with the consequences of that decision. Do not replace the bug house until her next "gift giving occassion" or you will be sending your daughter a very mixed message.
3. This isn't about "public school", so please don't imply that it is.
4. Be an adult and call the mother. Let her know what your daughter relayed to you (in a non-accusatory manner) b/c there's a really good chance that the little girl is NOT telling the truth to either you or her mother. Offer to meet the mother somewhere or ask her to send the bug house into school in a bag and leave it in the office.
5. Your daughter caused this situation, so the other mother really doesn't need to go out of her way to fix it. Should she return it? Of course, but does she need to drive across town to do so? Nope. She needs to leave it in the school office and then it's up to you to pick it up.

Don't teach your child not to share. That's ridiculous- teach her to be responsible and to understand that when you ask her not to do something (like deliberating bringing something in you told her to leave in the car) there is a reason and there are consequences.

My daughter will be 7 in July, she is in 1st grade. IMO if this happened to her, after I had repeatedly told and explained to her what could happen, my attitude would be - sorry about your loss, that's why I warned you not to take toys to school. You said " fine it is your item but if something happens you made the choice of taking it so the end result is on you." so stick with it! I'm not saying that this other mom is making the right choice, she is not and should make sure that her girl takes it back to school and gives it back to your daughter - I have had to do this when my kids come home with stuff, mostly borrowed books, from classmates. But the lesson here is that you can't control anyone but yourself and if you want to keep something that is important to you, then don't take it to school and don't let friends take it. I'm surprised the school hasn't done anything before this. Our kids are not allowed to bring any toy like items to school unless for a specified "show and tell" time. Otherwise they are confiscated until the end of the school year.,

What really stuck out to me is how unwilling you are to exert your chance to actually parent your child. You're the parent for a reason. She's only 7 years old and not old enough to make certain decisions and you have the right and obligation to step in and make executive decisions on her behalf EVEN IF she'll be angry with you.

What also stuck out to me is your immediate and very likely incorrect judgment of the other mother whose child is borrowing something from your daughter. Have you ever thought that maybe she's waiting for you to contact her so that you can make the exchange of hands outside of school? My immediate thought was "Good for the other mom, she's making sure that the item doesn't get lost and/or another child doesn't steal or borrow the item or your child doesn't do something else with it before it reaches home."

So what you need to do is ask the teacher to forward a message along to the other mother that you'd like to get together outside of school and to please pass along your phone number for her to call you. In the message include your name and who your daughter is, and that her daughter borrowed your daughter's toy/object/whatever.

I don't see how any of that that would "destroy" your child's faith in others or hurt her feelings. But even if her feelings are a little bit hurt, she'll cope and then get over it.

.

Why do you think the other M. won't allow her daughter to take this item back to school to return to your daughter? Did you ever think this other girl is just lying so she can keep it? How about you call the M. and make plans to go get it? If they both attend the same school it can't be so terribly far you can't make the trip on a weekend. The other M. probably has no clue her daughter has it or her kid lied to her saying it was given to her, and you can expose her lie to her M.. Your daughter may have given it to the girl trying to buy friendship too and is lying to you about her not returning it.
Just call and go get it. Then put your foot down and stop letting is sneak to school.

Just to comment, this is not just a public school thing. One of my girls is animal nuts. They would go to aftercare when they went to a Catholic school and it was okay to take a toy to play with at aftercare. I though my daughter had only taken one of her little robotic puppies but she took 2 of them. Well, a little girl stole one of them from my daughter's box. She also took my daughter's balloon from a birthday party in the classroom. I got there just as the mom was picking up the girl and her brother who happened to be in my kids' class. The mom even said she did not know where she got the dog but it must have been hers. Seriously, there is no way this child could have stolen it. A year or so later a boy took one of the same girls toys-cannot remember what it was-home and the mom refused to let him take it to school to return. We never did get it back. I try to make sure my kids understand that your property is your responsibility and you are the only one that will truly take care of it. They have not lost faith in others but do understand that sometimes, what you think is important...others do not.

"The mother....is proving she is better than me by forcing her will onto her daughter".
??????
I mean no offense, but how do you know the little girl didn't tell her mom your daughter gave her the bug house? How do you know the little girl even gave her mom your phone number?
If my kids came home with something someone "gave" them, I took the initiative to clear it with the mother or I went to school and made sure it was given back. No ifs, ands or buts. Now, maybe not all moms do that, but little kids give each other things they shouldn't sometimes.
My point is, you and the mother need to have a conversation. You can't leave it up to 7 year old girls to figure out. Or not.
You either need to write the bug house off as a loss because your daughter had no business taking it in the first place, or YOU have to contact the mother somehow and discuss it without jumping to any conclusions that the mother herself is refusing to return it.
As far as sharing vs. stealing....sharing is fine and should be encouraged if it's not done behind your back or without your permission. Sharing things while kids are at each other's houses playing is one thing, but I had a strict rule that nothing was to be lent out or given away without my permission. By the same token, nothing was to be "borrowed" or brought home without my permission. It saved a lot of confusion and hassles.
It sounds to me like there is no time like the present to institute such a rule with your daughter. Also, I would talk to the teacher about the show and tell guidelines. How often do they even have show and tell? My kids didn't even have it once a week, it was a scheduled thing, and the teachers preferred knowing what the kid would bring ahead of time. Again, to keep something like this from happening or something getting lost or damaged.
Your daughter can't sneak things to school if you check her pockets and her backpack before she gets in the car.
This is a lesson learned for both of you. This happening again can easily be avoided. That said, unless the mother has told you to your face that she herself refuses to give the thing back.....I wouldn't buy that for a second.
Your own daughter is capable of sneaking things (all kids are capable of it) and the other little girl is capable of not telling her mom she's supposed to take the dang bug house back.
I have kids of my own. I've been around the block a few times with kids.
I don't see the jump to the other mom doing this to prove she's better than you.

Just my opinion.

It sounds like your daughter learned a lesson the hard way. Don't bring toys or valuables to school. You can't trust they will be kept safe or safely returned to you. There will ALWAYS be people who will steal and lie in EVERY school, given the opportunity. The school is NOT responsible for safe keeping children's toys.

Now let me tell you I told this over and over again to my own kids. But still a few small toys and things escaped with them off to school. My daughter in fourth grade had a really cool key chain/fan/water sprayer her Dad got her at REI, which she decided to take to school. Set it on her locker shelf, turned around and it was gone. Brand new, small, tempting, and gone. Now after SEVERAL food items were stolen out of her locker earlier in the year, my emotional side wanted to call all the parents, especially the parents of her lockermates and play mama bear police woman. But I didn't. I listened to my daughter cry after school, and yes it was hard to see her feelings hurt and her faith in her classmates destroyed, but this is what happens in real life when we are not careful, when we do not follow rules. So it is a good lesson to learn. You can't be too trusting, not everyone is an honest person. This is the truth.

Another more recent time. This same daughter is 11 now. Friend from school came over, got her clothes dirty and borrowed a top and sweatshirt (one of DD's favorites) to wear home. This was not a close friend, they were just working on a school project together. This was many months ago. Though I've asked my daughter to ask the girl for her clothes back, she hasn't returned them and I don't ever expect to see them again. Lesson learned, don't loan things out to people you don't know very, very well. I could call her Mom and demand the clothes back, but that isn't going to teach my daughter to be more careful the next time if Mom swoops in to save her. Let me tell you though, she's not about to keep inviting this girl over and pursuing more of a friendship. So maybe just let it go and know that little girl who won't return your daughter's toy isn't going to be one you'll invite over to play and encourage her to befriend.

I think using the term "stealing" is a bit strong here... Instead of focusing on sharing vs. keeping things to oneself, maybe focus on where and when it's appropriate to share, and where its less appropriate or not as safe to do so (because the item will get lost, stolen, cause fights, etc.).

Unless you know that the other child is just trying to keep the item and is making excuses, I would not use the term stealing. However, if your daughter is trying to solve the problem, then you should find the phone number for mother of the other little girl, and get it for your daughter, and have her call and ask when she can pick it up. This may actually bring to the fore whether this "friend" is a victim of circumstance, or whether the friend has lied and told her mother that your daughter "gave" her the item, etc.

When you "share", you are usually sitting right next to each other playing. That's kind of how I view it. She let her friend "borrow" the bug house and now the friend has "stolen" the bug house by not returning it. Its really is simple as that. And my kids learned this same lesson. I told them not to take items to school, they have snuck them, the items have been stolen or broken so now they are older and they don't take things to school anymore. So I think you did the same thing and really isn't much more you could do. Karma will get them...