When my husband and I separated in July, I moved in with my parents. I am fortunate to have such a comfortable place to live, but my son and I are sharing a room and it's a little cramped. It's mostly his room, with a bed and some closet space for me. That's fine, because I don't spend much time there anyway. The problem I'm having is at sleep time. My son learned to self-soothe at about 10 months. He's 17 months now. But it's very confusing for both of us when he wakes in the middle of the night and I'm right there. Normally he would whine a little then go back to sleep. Now he sits up and stares at me. If that doesn't wake me up (which it usually does) he stands up and whines louder and louder until he's yelling for me. At this point I walk to his crib, lay him back down, say "night-night" and go back to sleep. He doesn't fall asleep right away and when he realizes that I am sleeping he hollers for me again. Sometimes it only happens once, but there are other nights (like last night) where he persists for HOURS. I'm pretty consistent and he's ridiculously stubborn. I don't think he's trying to be naughty, but I'm concerned about the fact that he can't just fall asleep. Is there something more I can do for him? For me? For sanity?
Please help! Thanks :)
-T.
Thanks for all the great advice. When this problem first occurred I considered a divider, but there's a ceiling fan in the middle of the room and the ceiling is very low. It wasn't really an option. But after reading all these responses, and one particular online conversation, I've decided to just deal with the situation as it happens and try to be there for my son. The first night since receiving this advice he woke around 3am. I held him and sang to him and loved on him and when I laid him back down in his crib (about an hour later) he fell asleep, quite content. I was pretty drained in the morning, but glad to have spent such sweet time with my baby. It was the first time I ever considered how he was feeling and played to his emotions. We both miss his Daddy in the middle of the night. He has only been up in the night a few times since then. Each time I have allowed him to sleep with me and he has been more pleasant in the morning. Especially since he is getting better at hugs and kisses. It's a nice way to wake up in the morning!
Thanks again!
-T.
He’s probably a little confused right now. Maybe try to have him lay in bed with you until he falls asleep and then put him back into his crib. Give it time... it’s probably just a phase. Good luck and take care~!
T.
for now, is there a couch in the living room at your parents' place for you to sleep in? Might not be comfortable for you but in the long run it will help your son be able to soothe himself and sleep on his own, otherwise might get difficult to break this habit of his
good luck
V.
T.,
I had a similar situation with my daughter. She had gotten used to going to sleep after a story by herself. After we moved in with my mom, she got to the point she wouldn't go to bed unles someone sat with her until she fell asleep. I am still fighting with this today. Maybe try the couch or if there is room, get a toddlers bed or a small futon (for you) so you can get back in the habit of seperate beds. HTH
hello, why not make a divider? you can make it look nice by hanging a shower curtain or even a table cloth that is big enough. use those plant hooks that are pretty, and there are clips or even shower hooks that are pretty. a shower bar would work to slid the curtain so at bed time, he cant see you. just make sure that you put it far enough away that he can't move it while you sleep. put him down first, close the curtain, then when he is asleep you go to bed. meletonian is a wonderful thing also for him at bed time. it will get him back on schedule. and you can even use ear plugs. it will take time but once he knows that you will not come help him, he should get back on track. remember, this is tough on you but worse on him. good luck.B. 32 sahm 10,3,2,2
Hey T., hang in there girl! Have you tried separating your room with a folding screen or maybe just a bed sheet on a line across the room? How about a big curtain? Will your parents let you hang some hooks from the ceiling and drape a rod? Just a thought :). Hope all goes well for you soon, keep your spirits up, sometimes separations are what two people need to work things out. Good luck, girl.
I am sorry to hear what you are going through. My son was three when i got divorced and through my short marriage he used to get in bed at night with my ex and I in the middle of the night. After the divorce my son asd i slept together most of the nights even though he had his own room. What I am trying to say is that sometimes little boys are very attached to their mother, add a big change such as spausal separation and moving to grandmas and grandpas place sharing a romm with mom, your little boy wants to be conforted, it is no sin to have him sleep with you if that is what he needs right now. Just be patient, it all passes. My son is now 18 and he is very close to me, more so than my seven year old who is from my second marriage and have always slept in is own room. Do what comes natural sweetie, do what your motherly insticts dictate you to do, forget about what society dictates, after all your little boy will be little just for a little while.
I have considered getting a 1 bedroom place too becuase it is more affordable, just me and my daugther. How about putting a room divider or screen up? They have ones that fold up like an accordian.
T.,
Hi, my name is M. and I also went through the same thing as you are going through now about 20 years ago. I then had a 2 year old girl and a 6 month old son, was at my mom's and had to sleep with both in the same room. The boy in the crib, and my little girl with me in the same bed. You do what you have to do. They are both wonderful kids now. My daughter is 22 now and my son is 19. We are very close and I would have never done it any differently. As for the marriage? It never worked out. I remarried 13 years ago and am extremely happy with two more girls.
If your son cries, my advice is to comfort him because remember they sense everything and they know when something is wrong. Carry him, cuddle with him and show him how much you love him. My instincts never told me to ignore them and go back to sleep as if nothing was wrong. Would'nt you feel sad about that?
Hope everything works out. Remember, love is the most important thing of all. Follow your motherly instincts and you will be fine.
Take care,
M. of Miami
I'm sorry to say I don't really have any advice but your optism is wonderful - I am sure things will work out for you - attitude is everything!
Good luck to you and your family - my thoughts are with you!
If you think your world has been turned upside down, imagine how a little man feels who has no ability to understand why he is in a new place or where his Daddy is. Of course he wakes and sees you there and sees his safety and comfort place. For him, "you" are all things stable and constant. He needs that more than ever now.
Looking at my own life, I always try to understand why so many parents struggle with being there for their children in the middle of the night. I just do not see the importance of self soothing for a small child. Heck, I am adult and if the love of my life tells me to 'self soothe' or doesn't try to comfort me or be there when I need him, well, I will be packing his clothes and tossing them to the porch. Haha. We are all human beings, even our children, and we need human touch and care and we do not do best when left alone to care for ourselves. This is obvious in the world around us. We cannot maintain healthy relationships with others because we are not used to meeting the needs of others or being there for others. To me, self soothing is not the life skill a child needs. Being open to being cared for and loved and being able to love and care for others is a more important life skill. I think the experts blew it on this one. Self sufficiency comes with interdependence and you do not need to force independence, it comes on its own with development and trust. Other cultures do not share our obsession with separating ourselves from our children during the night.
Everytime you answer your child's cry for your attention, you are teaching him that you are there. That he can trust that you will always be there for him. This is what he needs most right now. He is at an age when he is becoming more and more aware of his separateness from you. With his change in environment and loss of the father's presence, he may need more reassurance that he can trust that even though the two of you are separate, you are there.
I have a 17 month old too. She is still in our bed and we have no desire to have her elsewhere. (Well...of course there are those times she 'is' somewhere else for a little bit. Haha) One day she will choose to leave because she has always been welcome there. Like her six siblings before her, she has my attention and care regardless of time of day or night (well, unless I am not home and then she has her Daddy or her siblings care and attention). The point is, no one expects her to meet her own needs. You are absolutely right. Your son is not being naughty. He is expressing a need for his mother. He is feeling out of sorts with the stress of his world, and he has no voice to explain it, he just feels it. You are all things good and wonderful and it is his love and trust in you that makes him seek your attention. He needs to know from you that things are okay.
In case anyone is wondering...my older children did all leave our bed and did so with zero struggle, fight, arguments, etc. They just started sleeping in their own space when they were ready. Some still came to us in the middle of the night when they woke up, but most never disturbed us...just climbed up to the foot of the bed and slept or brought their sleeping bag for the floor. I really do know that while you are living it this time seems so endless, but I swear you never ever look back and wish you spent less time caring for your child, or wished they slept alone longer and sooner. You look back at the rocking, the holding, the cuddling, the things that you do to make your child feel right with the world and miss them. You wish with all your heart you could scoop up that grown man or woman you raised and fix the world with your rocking chair. It is the small things we do that make the biggest difference. When you can't change the situation, change your perspective. Live in the moment with joy and know that this passes. That it never comes back and the time you are the center of the universe for your children is shorter than you think. Relish the moments of being able to solve their every fear with your hugs.
T., a marriage struggling to hang on is stressful for everyone. You, your husband, and your son. I hope these challenging times strengthen you as a woman and a mother and bring you and your husband into a stronger place together. No marriage is perfect and those that last a lifetime often have their good years and bad years. Best wishes to you all.
