Shared Parenting

I personally hate the Wednesday 6-9 visitation. My kids never get to bed until after 10 on Wednesdays. If I had it to do over, I would make it 5-8 or earlier if possible.

I can tell you my kids hate our plan but we can't seem to get dad to allow changes. :( Mon and Tues I always have the kids, Wed Thurs he always has the kids and Friday goes with the weekend.

Always seems to be they want to do something with their friends and it is when their dad has them. He lives 10 miles away, okay and on top of a funeral home, so they just see that as time lost playing with their friends.

I think the plan would work better if we lived closer, as it is the kids hate it.

My ex and I split custody of our son 50/50, and almost always have (since he was old enough to be away from me that much and not really effect nursing). Our schedule is currently that he is with his dad Mon and Tues nights, me Wed and Thurs nights, and Fri-Sun alternates. It works for us. Neither one of us has to be the parent who does all the work or gets to be the one who only does fun stuff. We both deal with homework, extracuriculars, and get to have weekend family time. We live very close to each other -- about a 5 min walk apart, so school is not a problem. The benefits of this schedule are enormous -- our son has a great relationship with both of us, both his stepparents, and all 4 of his siblings (2 in each household) and has said he feels lucky that he has so many adults who love him. His dad and I have worked hard to be able to work together and get along, and he will never have to choose between us if there's something important happening that he wants his family at.

The cons -- this was definitely harder at the beginning, but it means a lot of communication with your ex. He and I are in constant contact, at least checking in with each other on the phone most days. That was very difficult at first when we were still angry and hurt from the divorce. Now that we're both happy again and have worked through a lot of stuff, it's pretty easy most of the time.

Organization -- as your child gets older especially, it means that you (and your daughter) need to be very organized, making sure that the necessary things end up at the right place at the right time. Homework needs to be done on time, and long term projects need to be planned well to know who needs to make sure things get done when. You and your ex really need to be able to cooperate on this. Organization is always a bit of a struggle for me -- I can see how this wouldn't even be an issue with some people.

That being said, we have minimized this by the fact that he never lives out of a suitcase -- he has a full set of everything he needs to live at each house indefinitely.... at least a week's worth of clothes, toys, books, etc. The things that need to be kept track of are things like homework, school books, scout uniform, clarinet -- things that for some reason we don't want to/can't have 2 of.

Most importantly, for this to work, you and your ex have to be grownups about everything, keep your daughter's interests at the forefront at all times, and never ever ever do anything to put her in the middle. You have to be united in parenting her, even if you aren't in everything else. It's hard. It can be frustrating. And it's very hard to voluntarily give up half of your child's life, but I know that seeing my son happy and well adjusted, and to know that he knows beyond any doubt that both of his parents love him and are doing the best they can for him, makes all the work and difficulty worth it.

I just want to add, in response to another post, that our son does exceptionally well in school, and had the option of skipping third grade entirely, in spite of being one of the youngest in his class. We decided not to mostly because starting middle school having just turned 9 made us uncomfortable -- he didn't need to enter the world of adolescence so young.

There are all kinds of plans out there that work for different families. I think two important questions you need to ask yourself before drafting anything is: how well can we effectively communicate still? and how far do we live away from one another? If you can't talk to one another or are constantly aggravating one another then something that is simple, firm and allows for plans to be made easily will work. Anything else will create constant tension that your child will have to deal with too (and can end up feeling guilty about because the arguments revolve around him/her). Also, a therapist that I know of always tells divorcing couples this when they start to put together a visitation plan: when you ask you child where their home is and they are traveling between two parents, the last place you want them to say is 'in the car.' It's hard enough for them to adjust to having 2 homes with 2 sets of rules, etc. They don't need to spend 6 hours a week commuting (and neither do you for that matter).

All that being said, what's worked for my husband and his kids for the last 10 years has been: he's had his 2 girls every other weekend from sometime in the evening on Fri. to Sun. evening, and every Wed. from 5-8pm. As they've gotten older we phased out Wed. evenings because they had plans. During the summer when they were little we kept the weekend visits but added 2 one week periods for vacations. Now we just rotate weeks in the summer (1 with us, 1 with the mom). And all of the holidays are addressed and decided that for most we rotate years (instead of trying to share the day because that's too intrusive on other family members plans), and others like Easter are always with Mom and 4th of July is always with us.

One last thought - I know a lot of parents try to live very close and split their time 50/50 each week but I think that especially for kids that are in school it's best to have them on one house during the week. That way there's less chance of leaving homework at the other house, or having to lug projects around or forgetting their favorite sweater or lunchbox. No one wants to feel like they live out of a suitcase constantly.

Whatever you end up doing I hope it works out! Good luck!!

When I was growing up, my divorced parents had this schedule...

Dad had full custody.

Every other weekend was spent at my mom's house.

Major holidays were alternated every year, but my parents were good about 'sharing' us so both families could celebrate.

The first 6 weeks of summer vacation were spent at Mom's. My dad didn't get any 'technical' visitation, but he made a point of making sure to see us on our birthdays. (4 kids, all with summer birthdays.) After the 6 weeks, we switched back to every other weekend.

This agreement really favored my dad (My mom doesn't win any mother of the year awards, she ran out on us when I was young and it was several years before she even wanted any visitation...)BUT we had the benefit of not having to run back and forth between households during the school year.

first off i have to say unless you are on really good speaking terms, please don't go for "shared" parenting. i did at first because i thought we'd be on good terms but it didn't work out that way over the years. make sure you know everything that shared parenting entails before you sign those papers. it costs alot of money for a lawyer a few years down the road!

as to visitation the court schedule for ohio is as follows: dad's vivitation is every wed 5-8 and every other weekend from 7pm fri to 7pm sunday. if you want to deviate from that you have to both agree on it. and dad's get every other holiday in the even years, mom's get the odd years. i'm sure you can google this to get a clearer view.

we are on this schedule now, though no overnights for us (long story) and it seems to work ok, although as my daughters have gotten older (7 and 12) and have more friends and stuff to do, it can be a challenge at times still. my original agreement was tues and thursays and evey other weekend, which really didn't work with school and homework, one day is enough during the week so at least there is some sort of routine.

good luck and if you have any questions, i have just litterally been through this so don't hesitate to ask!

In my honest opinion sharing a child means doing what is best for that child. I have a friend who has her child one day, him the next, her the next, etc...it is miserable for that child. She has no sense of stability, she doesn't know where to call home, she misses her stuff while at one or the others homes, she hates it and often cries for an hour before she has to go with one or the other from school.

I think kids need to have one home...it is that simple, one home that is their permanent place they write down as home address.

Sharing the care for your child would also mean each and every time something comes up you'll have to contact him and get permission, same with him. So, when the child wants to go to a friends house to spend the night the one must call the other and ask if it's okay. No one has the authority to make any decisions without the others consent. In this case I might even say written consent.

So, even if you both have joint custody you both need to decide what is in her best interest and come up with a plan. I personally think having to call an ex and ask permission about anything is hard to do and if something gets forgotten then hurt feeling happen.

Letting the other parent know if there is a big issue is important but I think one parent needs to have custody and the other be as involved as possible, at every game, every recital, at every program at school, there to transport if needed, every little thing. That's what makes a divorce work as far as the kids.

My schedule is just like Bess L's with one exception...her ex always has mon/tues and she always has wed/thurs...my ex and I rotate those days just like the weekend. So our schedule is, for example, me: mon/tues, ex: wed/thurs, me: fri/sat/sun...then we just continue the rotation so the next week is ex: mon/tues, me: wed/thurs, ex: fri/sat/sun and so on. So basically we each have the kids two days a week and everyother weekend.

Our kids have two complete households set up so there are no suitcases involved. I can pretty much echo everything Bess says to a "T"!!

One comment to Gamma G regarding the point that shared parenting means you'd have to get permission for anything and everything from the other parent...In Indiana one parent is considered the "custodial or Primary" parent. In our case it's me so I have the final say if it would come down to such a thing. BUT my ex and I have agreed that we will always do what is best for out kids and never put them in the middle. When I have the kids I make the decisions and when he has the kids he makes the decisions. I don't have to get permisison from him for a sleepover...really why would he care when the kids aren't with him at that point anyway.

Also, states have "guidelines" it's not a requirement that you follow them exactly. Our divorce decree says we'll decide and agree on a schedule and if an agreement can't be made then we'll follow the the Indiana Parenting Time Guidelines. So basically we make all the decisions together and if that doesn't work then we turn to the black and white of the state guidelines.

For the record my kids are 6 years and 20 months and both seem to be doing great with this schedule.

For the record...it's really hard, but it gets better. I promise!!! Good Luck!!!

I grew up every other day, every other weekend - hated it and none of my friends knew where I was. My parents lived three blocks away.

My daughter is with her dad Wed evenings and all day Sunday. This schedule works for all of us at this point and if it didn't work, we talk about it. Our primary concern is our daughter. He loses out by not having her a lot, but he calls quite a bit and chats with her which I encourage. He also works quite a lot so though he misses her, its necessary. We live 1/4 mile away.

I have 3 kids. My 3 and 8 yr old are on this schedule. Tues and Thurs 4:30 to 7:30 every other weekend spending the night with dad. After my weekend Mon and wed 4:30 to 7:30.
Cons: SOmetimes my kids cry for me when they have overnights. We do nightly phone calls. Sometimes 3 yr old ends up back at my house.
Pros: I get a break. My kids like to get to see both of us of course.
I have physical custody. Joint decision making.
Holidays are alternated. We share birthdays. Just us. I also dont work so that has a lot to do with our schedule.

i can tell you what we do.
We do
Sundays-dad
mondays- he drops her off at school and i have her the rest of the day
tues- mom
wed-mom
thursdays- i have her until 7 then he has her
fr- he drops her off to school i have her the rest
sat- i have her until when either of us need to switch i try and keep her until dinner
this way she doesn';t have to go a while without seeing us and we both get a weekend day with her
so I get time with her mon, tues, wed, part of thus, fri , part of sat
he gets time with her thurs, and part of sat, and sun

i'd like to eventually do every other 3 then 4 days so shes at the same place a while

Here's one I wish I could use and can't (abusive husband). It's NOT a typical schedule, that was used by my best friend and her family.

School Year
M-F at mom's
Sat-Sun at dad's

Summer
M-f at dad's
Sat-Sun at mom's

They both got 2 weeks (14 days) of "vacation" each year with her
They traded years for major holidays & birthdays. School breaks went onto the summer schedule. So spring break she spent M-F w dad and SatSun with mom, xmas break ditto, etc.

It was almost, but not quite 50% (of course, back then we had 104 days of summer). How it worked was that dad picked her up from school on Friday, and dropped her off at school Monday. Mom had her the rest of the week. That way she never left homework at the wrong house (what was assigned the night before, THAT parent was bringing her to school the next day... ALSO it kept both parents involved in her school life), there was no flip flopping of weeks, no random dinners, no coming home late when there's school the next day, no living out of suitcases...it was just all the same. Both parents came to her games/recitals no matter which day of the week it was.

with the way visitation is currently set up in Ohio there is little need for shared parenting. Even standard visitation is basically 50/50 or at least 60/40.

Anyways, this is what we have always done, since my kids were 3 and 1 till now at 8 and 10. The days change at times, but the concept is the same.

week 1, wednesday, he picks DD up and then picks DS up from me. He does all the school driving from Wednesday after school till friday after school, so half the trips. Kids are with him, other than school wednesday afternoon till friday after school.

week 2 he picks DD up after school and brings her home, picks her up thursday morning and takes her to school, thursday afternoon he picks up both kids and keeps them till sunday afternoon.

this gives him every other weekend but still splits the time pretty evenly. DS is with me more because I homeschool him still.

Holidays we split the days in half depending on what we have going on.

I want to note though that once the kids reached school age I moved and we live in the same town. This is really helpful.

I have never had to work out a parenting plan, but I have talked to many children who are the subject of one and the one thing they have all said is that they hate switching houses every week. They feel like they live out of a suitcase and just as they are getting comfortable in one home, it's time to go to the other. And these kids' parents live in the same town, close enough that they can walk to school for each respective parents' home and yet they HATE it. So, I think you have to consider your child first, not just that you want to spend x amount of time with him/her. If it works better for your child to be at one house more or longer than the other, then do what's good for your child and you, as the adult suck it up!

I personally do not believe that 50/50 is good for a child once they are in school. For the kids I know who do it, like it, and it works for the parents, their schooling seems to suffer, teachers can usually even tell you which parent the child is with without hesitating. Even in the best situations, it is very hard to have consistency that children need. As children get older and as the parents' lives change, households are just ran differently, which leads to inconsistencies in how the kids end up being raised. That does not mean that both parents can't be active in their kids' lives though. My other half lived with his dad after his parents divorced and he saw his mom almost every day because she chose to be 100% active in his life. My kids see their dad every other weekend and half of the breaks. My daughter is the younger one and asked about spliting time 50/50 with their dad after he moves closer and my son shot it down before I could even comment and told her it was a horrible idea, that our households are two different worlds, and I work hard for them to have what they have and do what they do. He knows their dad is an "awesome weekend parent" and nothing more.

Good luck and I hope you are able to figure out what is best for your family!