Severe Anxiety

This is sooooo normal. It even happened last year with my daughter who was going into first grade.
It is normal for him to feel scared seeing other kids picked up, have the teacher show him a clock and watch as to what would be the latest point to even worry about.
I also did with my son was put a sticker on his shirt so if he felt scared or nervous I had kissed it and he had my kiss with him.
I would say try your hardest not to be late, easier said then done but plan your day so you are there on time. Being the last one left can really be scary and unsettling and he needs to feel like he can trust you and your mom. I do part time child care and I know that last one or even almost last one here at the house has a harder time. Plan your day however it has to happen to leave 10 minutes earlier,not much time if you think about it and be there for him when the other parents are.
You will build up his trust, lessen his anxiety and give him the reassurance he needs. If you do happen to be late, there needs to be that constant reassurance that you will be there and even having the teacher help comfort him that she has your number and will call.
Do you have a cellphone? Does the teacher have one with her? I know at my son's Pre K they carry one and if I was to be late I would call and talk to my son and tell him I was on my way.
He is internalizing his feelings and being worried so get him to open up about it. That is what is causing the stomach aches, have him tell you how he feels, reassure him and let him know it is okay to feel the way he does...
Good luck, it will pass after he does realize late or not he will not be forgotten.

T.,
I went through this with my son and the way I fixed it was to be early. He was able to see me when the kids started to pack up for the day. It was hard and stressful to make sure that I was always there early, but by the time he was in first grade he didn't seem to care if I was late--He knew that I would be there. Also, it helps to give him emergency phone #'s to keep in his backpack. It gives them a little more security. Good luck.
J.

Hi T.,
For possible bullying, be sure to touch base in with your son's teachers just to see what is up.

About your son's nervousness...If he changed schools before he may not have handled it quite as well emotionally as you thought he did. Maybe he handled it, but got nervous later.

When you or your mom realize you are going to be late, is there a way to get a quick message to him? He would probably even enjoy the extra attention he'll receive when the teachers tell him the news. It would be a huge acknowledgement that he is your top priority and he is safe.

Maybe you can plan a little compensation reward that your mom and you can give him when you are late. "If we are a little late and you stay calm at school, you can have an extra special favorite snack or can play extra time with a special toy."

Are there any other places that he is picked up? Do you leave him at other people's houses for playdates? Maybe you do a few "practice" late pickups with the reward. Even tell him that you're going to play at being a few minutes late. (With the other parent's blessing, of course! They'll need to get into the act to let him know you are late but all is ok and he is safe.) Maybe a couple of "practice runs" could help him model a calmer attitude.

Maybe these are a little unorthodox ideas, but in the real world people can be a little late occassionally and everyone needs to learn to handle it smoothly. Good Luck!

There is a great kids book about going to school and being away from mommy, it is called The Kissing Hand, I can't remember the author's name but I'm sure you could easily find it on Amazon. Or borrow it from your library. In the story the mommy gives her son a kiss on his palm so that when he misses her he can just put his hand to his cheek and feel like his mom is there to give him a kiss. Goo luck!

give him something to keep in his pocket/backpack, like an emergency phone number, a really small toy (lego person), that he can hold onto in case you guys are late. it seems he only stresses about the late stuff...you and grandma could also call if you're going to be the tiniest bit late. hope that helps.

T., as long as he will start feeling comfy in school:
this is a very simple but very powerful way to help him:
if you are supposed to come pick him up @ 3, come at 2:45. and have a book with you, and sit on the parking lot in the car and read for 15 minutes. And he will always feel safe, that you are always there for him (or grandma). It is a hard thing to get adjusted to a new place, some kids take it fine and some get very excited... so, as you have this case, this is the way: do not try to change him quickly, he needs some time to adjust, but =change your schedule so that you're there BEFORE he is awaiting for you, believe me it won't be a wasted extra time for waiting for him to get off the class, it will contribute to his health AND to his inner trust and your relationships in the long run!!! Good days to you !!!

Hi T.,

A little anxiety about starting at a new school with a new routine is normal but I wouldn't call being hysterical and having stomach cramps and diarrhea normal.

I agree with what the others have said already: reassure him that he will always be taken care of and make sure that you are always on-time or early. He also needs tools for dealing with his anxiety. Part of that is just explaining to him exactly what will happen if you are late and part of it is letting him talk about his feelings and validating him ("I see you're upset about this, I love you no matter what and I will help you," etc).

If you're willing to put in a little effort to learn it, EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) is a great tool for dealing with anxiety. I use it with my four children and on myself (and in my private practice). It's quick and simple and children respond wonderfully well to it. It can clear negative emotions very quickly. You can find free info on how to do it at emofree.com. In a nutshell, it involves tapping on a set of acupressure points while verbalizing the problem. It is a great tool for children to use to deal with all kinds of school issues--I hope someday it will be taught regularly in the schools. Another option would be to find someone locally who does EFT to work with you and your son.

You're on the right track already just by identifying that he'll need your help to deal with his anxiety. Feel free to contact me if you want more info on the EFT. Good luck!

B.

It does sound like anxiety problems. Have you talked to his doctor about it?

Hi T.,
My son used to have anxiety about being picked up. The most comfort he had was putting all of our numbers, our home # and address, my cell phone, his dads cell phone, grandmas #'s and a couple of his friends phone #'s typed on a piece of paper, folded and then used packing tape to seal it. He keeps it in his pocket and another one in his backpack. I showed him the phone at school he can use if we were ever too late. Also let him know that the school has all the phone #'s also and that they will never leave him alone at school. All of this made a huge difference for my son.

We talked about bullies, they are told at this age to report it, it is not called tattyling yet, so the school counselor can deal with a bully early on. We talked about why someone might be a bully, how to avoid confrontation, and how to maybe extend a hand of friendship to a bully as it may be they don't know how to make friends but also to know he can defend himself if necessary, this gives him the sense of his own inner power. If this doesn't work, report to your teacher the problem, you can also talk to the counselor if you know who the bully is, they can help a kid if they know early enough so they can find out why they are bullying and to give them other skills to deal with their issues.

Good luck,
SarahMM

You have gotten some great advice and I just want to jump on too. Don't be late, and always reassure him when you drop him off that you or grandma will always be there to pick him up. Talk to the teachers about the bullying and ask them about the anxiety with the end of the day. They are a great resource too.

Dear T.,

Your son is experiencing separation anxiety. I would not allow him to stay home because that reinforces his anxiety. I am clinical therapist and work with young children. You can try two things. Be more consistent by picking him up on time or even early. Maybe you could be outside the classroom when he gets out. The other thing would be to give him something of value (not necessarily much) to keep when he is at school. Tell him that you trust him to take care of it while he is at school and that you will need it when you pick him up. We gave our daughter her dad's watch and she knew that we would be there no matter what because Daddy needed his watch. If all fails pull him from pre-K ....he may not be ready. Plus, I believe that parents can do probably more for their children at home than sending them to school. There are lots of things to do with him and he will learn so much from you. Unless you have to work and cannot be home. Try being on time and try the watch thing.

S.

if it were me I'd keep him home but that's not what everybody else is saying. Maybe you have the wrong preschool? If you are religious at all, I say pray about where to take him, and maybe about doing preschool at home or with other moms. Listen to your gut instinct, and meanwhile, comfort him and tell him you're sorry that happened to him. Poor little guy.

I'm a teacher and a mom and I typically run late. With that said... and I don't mean to oversimplify it --- but don't be late. I think you've nailed it on the nose that he has anxiety. The only way you can fix that is by earning his trust. You and your mother should consciously make an effort not only to be on time, but maybe even to be early. If you're late, call the teacher on the phone and ask to talk to your son to explain that you're on your way. It will take time for him to get comfortable, be confident, and relieve his anxiety. As far as the bullying goes, talk to the teacher about that. And I'm sure there are some children's books out there that deal with both issues. Search for them and read them to your son. My son starts kindergarten this year and we just moved to a new house, new town, etc. So, we'll probably be dealing with some anxiety of our own.